Forgiveness

It’s Got To Me To Set It Free

I was with a group of ladies yesterday who I regularly see and the topic of resentments came up. Always a crowd pleaser. We had talked about things that may have happened to us as children. As an adult I’ve learned to always look for my part when I am disturbed, angry or have a resentment, and as tough as it may be to swallow at times, my part is always in there. But as a child, you typically don’t have a part, things just happen to you. And what we talked about is that, even though there may be things that happened to us as children, where we had no part, many of us, myself included, then carried out behaviors into our adult life as a result of what happened to us, to either punish that person, punish others in our lives, or even ourselves. That is where we have a part.

I remember when that was pointed out to me as I was early in my journey of recovery, it was like a cold slap in the face. That, the initial act itself was not my self, but what I did following that certainly was. It was in that moment that all of those many years I thought of myself as a victim of certain events I had then used that pain to hurt, manipulate and control others. So, now, not only was a holding a resentment against the person from the original act, I was acting out that same behavior and now had a resentment for myself.

I was told that the center of all my resentments was myself. I had to see me in them to set them free, or, to set myself free. I’ve talked about resentments before, and about taking responsibility for our parts, and that that was the key for releasing that resentment, but this goes further back, and to set of resentments I remember thinking I could legitimately feel and had played no part in. At the end of the day, we’re always responsible for our part, even if we truly were a victim of someone else’s act or behavior, but it’s what we do after that act where our part kicks in, and it’s within that part where we can continually relive, rehash and renew that hurt and anger by perpetuating it ourselves. That is our part. And, the only way to set it free is to recognize what we’re doing, or have done, and find forgiveness for it, for ourselves and for the person who initially was the one who mistreated you.

We all have our own sickness, or struggles, and once I was able to identify and find forgiveness in myself for mine, it was easier to find some compassion for those who have wronged me in the past. I was able to see myself, my own struggles, in theirs, and though it might not make what they had done right, neither was my behavior following that initial event. How could I judge someone else when my side of the street was littered with similar garbage?

As they say, “the truth will set you free.” Find the courage to be open and honest with yourself about how you may have contributed to your own pain and suffering, pinpoint what you have done, and trace it back to see where it all began, and why, it’s within that investigation, that fact-finding and hopefully forgiveness, that you may find yourself free from the resentments of your past, and, may just find yourself on a path of compassion and understanding. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to hold grudges and keep resentments? Of those resentments, do any of them stem from your childhood? What are they? How have you over the years used, or taken, what was done to you and used to manipulate, hurt or harm others, either intentionally or not? How have you done this? Can you see your part in this, and how your part has kept your resentment alive, possibly, years after the initial event? What can you do today to let it go? What can you do today to admit what and where your part is and was? What can you do today to find forgiveness for yourself and your actions? It’s starts with you, set yourself free by owning your part, and taking back your power today.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Honesty Takes Practice

If I’m being honest, I wasn’t always honest in the past. In fact, I wasn’t even honest about how dishonest I was! I had become so accustomed to bending the truth, and justifying it, that my perception of the truth had become so warped I didn’t even know I was doing it a lot of the time. But, there were those time that I did know, and I would lie to manipulate and get what I wanted, or to make myself look better or even embellish a story to make it sound more dynamic than it really was. My dishonesty became a tool I would use to get the result I was looking for. And the more dishonest I was, the more it pulled me down into the darkness where I felt alone and afraid of being found out. My illness wanted me there, and it too lied to me to keep me sick.

It wasn’t until I made the commitment to get better that I made a commitment to be honest. That honesty started the first day by me coming clean with my family and close friends about what had been going on in my life and how sick I was. I knew, if I was going to get better, and make positive changes in my life, I had to be accountable for my actions and I needed to start getting honest with myself and those around me. It was scary, but it was also liberating. In fact, it felt so good that once I started I just kept going, but the tougher work was still ahead of me. I had to change that old behavior of not only lying to others, but to myself, and as I had mentioned, I had become so good at it that I wasn’t even aware at times I was doing it. I had to be vigilant, and I was. There were times I would catch myself lying and didn’t even know why I was lying, just out of habit, those lies felt the worst as I wasn’t even conscious of it, but those bad feelings were enough to encourage me to stop and to catch myself before I started to tell the lie. The more I practiced it the better I got. The hardest part was coming clean with myself and all of the lies and things I had done and lied to myself about. My head wanted to keep blaming myself, shaming myself and keeping myself from getting well, but I knew my honesty was a key part to me getting better, and staying better. There wasn’t anything I had done that couldn’t be forgiven, but that meant I had to also forgive myself, that was the toughest part, but I was taught that part of my forgiveness could take form as a living amends, to myself and those in my life, to make better choices and live honestly as a way of healing that part of me and my life. Looking at it from that perspective allowed me to get to work and through that work I was able to open the door on finding that forgiveness in myself. As the blog titles says, it takes practice.

We all have told little white lies, maybe to protect someone else, maybe to protect ourselves, but even those little ones can easily turn into bigger ones and perhaps into a pattern of lies that we might not even see. It is up to us to keep ourselves in check and keep ourselves in a place of honesty. It is in honesty where we can share our heart and our true selves with those around us, where we can shine bright and be who we are meant to be, and we all deserve to be just that, our best selves. Make sure to catch yourself the next time you bend the truth, or tell a lie, ask yourself why you feel you need to do that, the answer is the key to where to start your healing and your path back to the light. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you always tell the truth? If not, what do you lie about? Do you consider that a big lie? Do you tell, what you would consider, little white lies? Do you count those as lies? If not, why not? How do you think those little white lies hurt you? How do you think they hurt those around you? Why do you think you tell them? Do you sometimes catch yourself lying about something you don’t need to lie about? Why do you think you do that? How can you stop yourself from doing that? It’s always better to be honest, even when honesty isn’t the easier softer way, it’s still better than not telling the truth and it coming out later, or feeling bad about it. Work to be more honest in your life, not only with others, but most of all, with yourself.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Are You On Your Resentment List?

When I was on the path of recovery I was told to make a list of all the people who I thought had harmed me. I vigorously started writing. When I was asked to read it aloud, I was asked why I wasn’t on that list. I stopped and thought about that. I wanted to point the finger at everyone else for the pain and anger I felt, but when I thought about it honestly, no one had caused me more pain than myself, and I had a lot of anger toward myself for not being good enough, in my eyes, so why was I so quick to point the finger elsewhere? It was part of my sickness, that part that uses other things to distract me from what’s really going on. My disease wants to me think everyone else is to blame, because as long as I am pointing the finger outward I’m not going to look inward for a solution. On the flip-side, I also couldn’t focus on myself on that resentment list as a way to bash myself further. I had to find a way to use it to heal and to be accountable for my own actions.

I had always resented myself. In my eyes, I had always failed at being who I wanted to be or thought I should be. I never measured up in my eyes. I spent my life with almost unattainable expectations of myself and when I didn’t meet them I would mentally and verbally beat myself up. I not only resented myself, I hated myself for most of my life. But you would never know it. Outside of some self-deprecating comments, I put on a brave face and an air of “I’m fine,” while I was slowing rotting from the inside from my self-hatred. I talk about “my disease,” it wasn’t until I sought out help that I realized I had one, mental illness is cunning and it hid itself in my life from as far back as I can remember. Learning that I had an illness helped me to find some understanding, and eventually some acceptance and forgiveness for myself. It also helped me to find some new tools to live a life that I can be proud of, and one where I would take responsibility for my actions, instead of pointing my finger elsewhere. I don’t resent myself today, nor do I resent those other people who were on my list back then, because I know that for the most part, I played a part in those relationships, circumstances or altercations I was so upset about, and for those I had no part in, I could see that those people were, and are, fighting their own sicknesses and illnesses, and I can, today, find some compassion there, and in some cases, even relate to their struggle.

Beating ourselves up for past mistakes, or for being less than what we think we should be doesn’t make things any better, it never will, all it will do is keep us down, keep us sick, and keep us from reaching our full potential. Learning to love ourselves is the greatest gift we can offer to our heart and our spirit, finding those things we love about ourselves and celebrating that, not what we don’t like. Find more of what you do like, find the good in you and what makes you you, what makes you special, and you are special SLAYER, we all are in our own way, reach deep inside and find the light that is your special light and let it shine, not only out in the world to share with others, but shine it back at you and heal your hurt. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you resent yourself? If so, why? Do you have resentments towards others? Why? What, within those resentments, did you play a part in? If you had no part, can you identify the sickness in those people that may have caused them to act a certain way? Has an illness affected the way you’ve acted, is there something you’re struggling with and working to overcome? We all have our own battles SLAYER, it is important to love ourselves through our difficulties and also those around us, to find some understanding of what others may also be struggling with, and to not engage and put ourselves in situations that may harm us, or others, because it’s something we want or are trying to force into happening. Honor yourself, and those around you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

The Shame And Guilt Quilt

When I was deep in my illness, I walked around constantly wrapped in the shame and guilt quilt. I had draped it over myself so long it became familiar—almost “safe.” But it wasn’t protecting me. It was hiding me.

I carried guilt, shame, regret—and I let them keep me distant from the people I loved, from solutions that could have helped, and ultimately, from myself. I believed I didn’t deserve better. I believed the quilt was my identity.

When Shame Becomes an Identity

We’ve all done things we regret. We’ve made choices we’re not proud of, acted out of fear or desperation, or compromised who we were for what we thought we needed. That part is human.

What turns normal regret into something destructive is when we let shame and guilt become our identity.
We wear them like badges. We drag them into new relationships, new jobs, new eras. We whisper:

“I’m a shame-person.”
“I’m a guilty person.”

When you think that way, nothing positive can penetrate your armor. The quilt blocks the light. It keeps out healing, connection, authenticity.

—

Why We Keep the Quilt On

There are many reasons we cling to the shame and guilt quilt:

  • Comfort in the familiar. Even if the quilt stifles you, at least you know it.

  • Belief in punishment. “I deserve this.”

  • Fear of change. Letting go means vulnerability.

  • Protection from hope. If you believe you’re unworthy, hope can feel dangerous.

For me, the quilt felt safer than the unknown. Better the pain I knew than having to trust someone else—or myself—to be different.

The Price of Carrying the Quilt

Pulling the quilt around your shoulders is exhausting. It weighs you down in unseen ways.

  • You avoid connection because you think you’re “too much” or “not enough.”

  • You hide portions of your life and truth, self-isolating in the name of “keeping up appearances.”

  • You stop believing you deserve healing, comfort, or unconditional love.

And still—you keep it on. Because the cost of letting it go seems higher than the cost of carrying it.

But here’s what I discovered: the cost of carrying it was far greater than the cost of releasing it.

Choosing to Shed the Quilt

The turning point for me was nearly my last. When I realized I had to step out from under that quilt—or I would lose everything that mattered.

It took:

  • Courage to acknowledge: “I’ve been hiding.”

  • Humility to ask for help.

  • Willingness to unwrap the quilt piece by piece, admitting mistakes, offering amends, offering self‐forgiveness.

One of the biggest revelations was this:

Forgiveness isn’t about excusing what happened—it’s about releasing what happened.

Once I forgave myself, the quilt began to fall. And with each piece I left behind, more light found me. More connection. More freedom.

What Happens When the Quilt Comes Off

When you let go of that old wrapping, a few things start to shift:

  • Your identity changes. You stop seeing yourself as the sum of your mistakes.

  • Your relationships open up. Others don’t have to tiptoe around your walls. You don’t have to hide.

  • Your decisions become driven by growth, not by fear of being found out.

  • Your mental & emotional energy frees up. You’re no longer spending 80 % of your day hiding what you’re trying to heal.

The quilt may have kept you “safe” from being seen—but spending life unseen is a cost you never wanted to pay.

How to Begin Removing Your Quilt

  1. Acknowledge what you’ve carried. Sit with one piece of the quilt—guilt, shame, regret—and name it.

  2. Write it out. Get the shame on paper. Speak out loud what you’ve been hiding.

  3. Ask for help. You don’t have to do this alone. Connection replaces isolation.

  4. Offer yourself forgiveness. “I saw, I felt, I made choices—and now I choose something different.”

  5. Choose differently today. One small boundary, one honest conversation, one act of self-respect. The quilt loosens.

  6. Celebrate unwrapping moments. Each time you live without the weight of a secret, light finds you.

SLAY Reflection

  1. Do you feel like you’re still wrapped in a shame and guilt quilt?

  2. How does carrying it help you—and how does it hurt you?

  3. What would letting it go allow you to feel or do?

  4. How would your day change if you didn’t have to hide parts of yourself?

  5. What is one small step you can take today to un-wrap something you’ve been carrying?

S – See the quilt you’ve been wearing
L – Let the light of truth and forgiveness in
A – Align with your worth beyond your mistakes
Y – Yield to freedom—un-wrap, un-hide, unleash the real you

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What part of your shame and guilt quilt are you ready to set down—and what might you gain when you do?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s walk out of the shadows—together.

And if you know someone who’s still carrying that quilt, send this to them. Sometimes, someone else saying: “You don’t have to keep carrying it,” is enough to help the process begin.

#SlayOn

Are You Happy With The Consequences You’re Getting?

As we start the new year it’s a great time to do a check on where we’re at in our lives. To look at what we like, what we don’t, and to ask ourselves if we are happy with the consequences we are getting? As I have said many times at State Of Slay, our lives are what we make of them, they are the result of choices we are making and if we don’t like the results we have the power to change a lot of that if we make different choices. Now, there are always things that are out of our control, but even within those circumstances we do have a choices on how we react to those things. So, if we’re not liking the consequences you’re getting in your life, then you have the power to take different action, or, choosing a different reaction.

As I’ve said in previous blogs, before stepping on this path I believed that life was just something that happened to me. I didn’t think I had much say in how things went, and when things went badly, I always blamed someone else for the result. I also was making choices that could only result in bad consequences which allowed me to continue telling the narrative that I was a bad person who didn’t deserve good things. It wasn’t until I committed to working on self-love and living in the light that it was pointed out to me that I had more power than I thought in all of those things, in fact, I, in many situations, caused the negative outcome myself. It was tough to accept that at first, as it was much easier to point fingers and blame others for my misfortune, but once I was able to wrap my head around that, and, find forgiveness in myself for all those consequences, I realized that I had much more power than I ever thought. That, was something positive I could focus on. If I was able to cause so much chaos in my life, could I not use that same energy and power to now bring good into life? I found that I could, and I still do everyday.

We have the power to change much of what we don’t like in our lives, even if it’s just our attitude or perspective of what we don’t like, but many times it is our choices and actions that may be bringing us unfavorable results, and instead of wallowing in our unhappiness or feeling sorry for ourselves, we can choose to make better choices moving forward to produce different results. That’s pretty powerful. Life is not something that just happens to us, we carry much more power than we realize, and when we live our lives in the light, take positive action, give back when we can, and focus on the good, those are the things that come back to us. If we find ourselves in a negative place, we can look for one thing that is good, one positive thing, or one thing we can find gratitude for, that is a start, that is enough to set us in the right direction, and once we find that one thing, we can keep building from there, keep training ourselves to look for the good, the light, and we will find hope, and if you find yourself not able to find the hope in your life, use mine, use me as a light, and use my hope to show you that you too can come out of the darkness and take your power back, I did, and I know you can too. Shine on. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like you don’t have any power in your life? If not, why not? Why do you feel so powerless? Think about a situation you feel powerless against, what can you do, even small, to take positive action within that situation? Even if it’s just changing how you look at it, or realizing you do have some power, that is a positive step in the right direction, a step that could lead to bigger steps and eventually a better way of life. Write down an example when you have taken positive, or different, actions than you have and saw a more favorable result. Use that example to fuel your actions moving forward, and make a commitment to make positive choices and to use your power to create positivity in your life and create the life you see and want for yourself.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Self-Forgiveness

That title made a few of you bristle I know. I remember when I was asked to make a list of people who I felt had harmed me, I feverishly started writing down my naughty list, finding satisfaction in naming all the people I felt had wronged me and made my life difficult. It was pointed out to me that my own name should have been on the top of that list. That made me pause. And, at first, a little angry, because I thought, no, this is my chance to point fingers and name all of the people who hurt me, but it was right to suggest I put myself on top of that list, because I had hurt myself the most.

When I looked back to all of those situations and people I had put on that list, the common denominator in of them is that I was also there, I had participated, allowed myself to be in those relationships, or situations that harmed me. Now as much as that was a hard pill to swallow, once I was able to take responsibility for my part, and in most instances I did have one, I was able to take my power back by choosing to make better choices today.

We can’t fault ourselves for not knowing things we never learned, well, I guess we can, I used to, but we shouldn’t. Punishing ourselves for our past mistakes is pointless, we can’t change the past, nor we are the same people who may have made those mistakes, in fact, if we’re on a path of self-love and self-discovery we are very likely not those people that we once were, so why are we beating ourselves up for being someone we aren’t anymore? Life is a journey, and we may travel the same road, but we each travel at our own pace depending on what we are able to handle, depending on what our personal experiences are, and depending on what life throws at us, we are doing the best we can with what we have. Recognizing that we did the best we can in our past, or that maybe we just weren’t able to do our best at that time, is the beginning of self-forgiveness.

I found that finding forgiveness for myself happened in different stages. But as I began to forgive others and they found forgiveness in me it became easier to find some of my own. As I grew on my journey and was able to put more and more tools in my toolbox, I realized how few tools I had had up until that point, that also helped me with finding forgiveness, I couldn’t fault myself for not using what I didn’t have. And, truthfully, beating myself up over and over for my past only holds me back there, it doesn’t let me cut the strings and move forward, so for those of you struggling cut those strings and allow yourself to move forward and prove to yourself that today you are capable of making better choices, choices that are loving towards yourself, choices that honor who you are and the life you’ve built, or are building, and choices that, even if they prove to not be the right choices, are choices you can own and learn from so that you can make a better choice next time, without carrying a resentment for yourself and how you handled the situation. Set yourself free, look back only to learn as you continue on your road to who you are destined to be. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you hold a grudge against yourself for decisions you’ve made in your past? Why are you not able to move past those decisions and choices? Did you have all the knowledge, information and tools you do today back then? So why do you expect yourself to have known better? Did you know better but made a decision that wasn’t in your best interest anyway? Why did you do that? Where looking to harm yourself? Why were you looking to do that? Are you still looking for ways to harm yourself today? If yes, why? If not, and you did make decisions to harm yourself in the past and have stopped doing that today, then that is already a victory, you’ve already let go of the way you used to live, so why not let go of any guilt or resentments you may have been harboring and focus on loving yourself as you move forward from here.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Upside-Down Personality Right-Side Up

I always felt different from everyone else. As far back as I can remember, sitting in school, or standing in the playground, everyone else seemed to have an easier time than I did, or so it seemed, to me. I always had friends, but I had to work at it, it wasn’t something that came easily to me. I would overthink things, try to plan out what I was going to say, worry about what others were thinking about me, and trying to anticipate who everyone else wanted me to be. I always felt like my thinking, my humor, who I was was upside-down.

I managed to get by for a long time pretending I was like you. But eventually all that pretending caught up to me, and I tried to use things to stuff down the anxiety and uncomfortably I felt in my day-to-day life. I thought maybe it was something I would grow out of, but I never did. And as I finished school and started my career that anxiety got worse, so I did whatever I could to suffocate it with whatever I could, to appear normal. Eventually what I was doing to get by stopped working and the anxiety ramped up even more to the point where it became unbearable. I found myself in my mid-30’s not really knowing who I was but not liking who I thought myself to be. If I thought I was upside-down in the past, I was now really upside-down then.

I was fortunate that someone came into my life at that time who had felt the way I had. But, he no longer felt that way. I was intrigued. Was there a way to turn my upside-side personality right-side up? He told me there was, because he had done it. It had never occurred to me that I could, I thought I would just have to find a way to live the way I had been, even though I knew I couldn’t go on living that way. I was desperate enough to try something new and so I set out on this path I now walk on.

The key to finding my right-side-up personality was with self-love, but I also a heavy dose of forgiveness. Some things were easier to forgive than others, but the more I was able to see that the way I felt wasn’t always because of my own actions, that I had a mental illness that got in the way of me living and learning like most people, and because of that I did not have the tools I needed to live a healthy and happy life. Even that took some acceptance, even though it made sense to me and I was identifying with the symptoms and actions of my illness, I had to get over the stigma of being labeled with one, but once I was able to accept that, I wanted to gather as many tools as I could, because I knew I had to get to work, and I knew if I did, I could get better. I realized that how I had felt as a child was not my fault, there was something else going on that I couldn’t have understood, and that I did the best I could with the information I had. Did I go on a spree of self-destruction later in adulthood, yes, but again, I had a disease I didn’t know I had and without the proper information I just reached for what I could to quiet it down.

Today I know the difference. I know who I am, and I love who I am, flaws and all…remember those aren’t really flaws they are what make us flawsome. But I’ve done enough work to know what I’m dealing with today, that doesn’t make every day easy, but it makes it manageable, and if it doesn’t feel manageable, I have places to go to hit the reset button, and people I can talk to walk me through it. I’ve also learned that some of my personality is a little upside-down, but today I embrace those upside-down parts, it’s what makes me me, as long as I make sure that most of me is right-side up, I know I’ll be OK. And you know what, you will be too. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel different from those around you? How so? Do you think that what makes you different makes is wrong? Why? Who says they’re wrong? Do they hurt you? Do they hurt others? What parts of you would you like to change? How can you? Why would you like to change those things? Is there someone or a group of people who can help you do that? Have you reached out to them in the past? If not, why haven’t you? If you have, why didn’t you continue to do the work? Is there something you’re afraid of? Does feeling better scare you? Why? SLAYER, you have the power to change, and that’s pretty powerful, I know because I’ve done it. Seek out those who can help you make the changes you want to see in yourself. Love yourself through those changes and find forgiveness in the past when you didn’t know the difference, and love yourself for knowing what you do today.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYERS! Forgiveness does not change the past, but it brightens your future.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Forgiveness

Forgive Your Monsters, Don’t Let Them Take Anymore, They’ve Taken Enough

There are monsters that live in our past. Some still haunt our present. They take from us. Our joy. Our confidence. Our peace. But here’s the truth:

They only keep taking if we keep letting them.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean making excuses. It doesn’t mean forgetting. It means cutting the cord. Reclaiming your power. Choosing not to carry someone else’s damage on your back any longer.

You Can Forgive Without Forgetting

When I started to heal, I was told I needed to get honest—rigorously honest. That included facing the monsters I had let into my life. And yes, some were people who had deeply wronged me. Others were habits, patterns, or situations I kept returning to even when they hurt.

What I realized? I had played a part in letting some of those monsters in.

Whether it was staying in toxic relationships, seeking validation in the wrong places, or betraying myself to avoid being alone—I had to own my side of the story.

That doesn’t excuse the harm. But it gave me the clarity I needed to say: enough. And the strength to walk away.

You Are Not Powerless Unless You Say You Are

Monsters thrive in silence. In secrecy. In shame.

They feed off the energy we give them—even if it’s hate, resentment, or pain.

But we have a choice.

You can take that pain and turn it into wisdom. You can use your past to protect your future. You can decide that today, right now, you will no longer allow what broke you to define you.

Forgiveness is not a gift to them. It’s a gift to you. It’s how you say:

“You no longer get to live rent-free in my mind.”

The Monsters Don’t Disappear, But Their Power Can

For many of us, the past still whispers. The memories still echo. That’s okay.

The goal isn’t to erase it. The goal is to disarm it.

To say:

  • I see what happened.
  • I know how it shaped me.
  • And I am choosing to rise anyway.

That is real power.

You can carry the lesson without reliving the nightmare. You can remember without re-opening the wound. You can forgive the monster and protect the warrior you’re becoming.

Take Your Power Back

If your monsters still show up in your thoughts, your choices, your relationships—ask yourself why. What are they still taking? And more importantly, what are you ready to take back?

You don’t need to justify their behavior to forgive them.

You just need to stop letting them lead your life.

Forgive what you can. Accept what you must. And then: leave the rest.

There is no space in this new chapter for what tried to destroy you.

You are the author now. And your story gets to look different.

Let your purpose lead. It knows the way.

SLAY Reflection

  1. Who or what still holds power over your peace?
  2. In what ways have you given your energy to the past?
  3. How might forgiveness free you, not them?
  4. What lessons can you carry without carrying the pain?
  5. What boundary or action will help you reclaim your power today?

S – Stop giving power to the past
L – Look at your part with honesty, not blame
A – Accept what you can’t change, change what you can
Y – Yield to growth and move forward free

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What have you learned by forgiving someone who hurt you?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s stuck in their pain, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

If You’re Strong Enough To Destroy Something, You’re Strong Enough To Repair It

There was a time when I believed strength meant walking away.
Ending things.
Burning it all down before anyone could get too close.

And I had a lot of strength.

But I didn’t always use it for good.

Especially toward the end of certain chapters in my life, I used my strength to destroy:
Relationships. Opportunities. Myself.

Sometimes intentionally.
Other times, impulsively.
But almost always out of fear.

Fear of being exposed.
Fear of being seen as damaged.
Fear of being me.

So I built walls. I pushed people out. I burned bridges and convinced myself I didn’t have the strength to fix any of it.

But that wasn’t true.

What I didn’t have was the humility to try.

I had the strength all along. I just didn’t yet understand what real strength looked like.

Because real strength doesn’t lie in the destruction.
It lives in the repair.

It’s easy to tear something down.
It’s much harder to own your part and build something better in its place.

But that’s where we grow.
That’s where healing happens.

When I began to get better, I slowly learned how to channel that strength in a new direction.
One that looked more like forgiveness.
Like compassion.
Like showing up for myself and the people I loved.

I stopped using my strength to protect the wound and started using it to heal.

Here’s what else I learned:

That voice in your head—the one that says you’re “stronger alone” or that you’re “cutting off what doesn’t serve you”—sometimes it’s not wisdom.

Sometimes it’s fear talking.
Sometimes it’s pain pretending to be power.

There’s a difference between walking away to honor yourself and walking away to avoid yourself.

I’ve done both.

I’ve ended relationships and convinced myself I was doing the strong thing… when really, I was just afraid to look at the part I played in their breakdown.

It’s easier to point the finger.
It’s harder to say, “I chose this dynamic.”
“I allowed this behavior.”
“I contributed to the pain.”

But that’s the work.

That’s the kind of strength that transforms everything.

And here’s the beautiful part:

The more we practice using our strength to build, the more of it we gain.
Just like self-esteem comes from estimable acts, our inner strength multiplies when we use it for repair, growth, and truth.

We become stronger when we’re brave enough to face ourselves.

To say the hard thing.
To make the amends.
To walk toward the mess instead of away from it.

Because if you’re strong enough to destroy something…

You’re strong enough to repair it.

SLAY Reflection

S – SHOW UP: Are you using your strength to avoid, escape, or destroy? Or to face, heal, and rebuild?

L – LEARN: What’s one moment where your strength showed up in a way that surprised you?

A – ACCEPT: Can you accept that real strength might look like softness, honesty, or vulnerability?

Y – YOU MATTER: What’s something broken that you still have the power to repair?

BONUS: What could change if you used your strength for good—starting today?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Have you ever used your strength to heal something you once damaged?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s struggling with what it means to be strong, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.