uncomfortable

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! What is meant to be will always find a way.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Patience Impatience

Celebrate Instead Of Isolate

The holiday season is here and it’s a time that may not be all that jolly for everyone. I know for myself, before I started my journey on my current path, I dreaded all holidays. It was a time that made me feel like hiding or escaping and I felt pressured to have a good time and live up to not only my expectations but those around me. I just wanted to isolate, stick my head in the sand and wait for them to be over. Even in writing how I used to feel, I can feel my anxiety rising. Thankfully, I don’t feel that way today.

Before walking this path I was constantly hiding, even in plain sight. I could isolate anywhere, in a room of ten people or a stadium of people, it didn’t matter, if I felt uncomfortable, which was most of the time, I would find a way to distance myself from those around me. I thought it kept me safe, but all it did was keep me feeling lonely. What I didn’t know back then is that my disease, that negative self-talk that ran constantly in my head, wanted me to isolate so it could have it’s way with me, because if the voices in my head were the only voices I was hearing, I was going to believe what they were saying, and I did. Going into the holiday season felt like I was running a gauntlet of high pressured uncomfortable gatherings. The only way I could get through them back then was to numb myself, with whatever I could, even if it was dessert table and a tray of cupcakes, whatever it took to get outside of myself to get by. But that only worked while I was there, in the moment, then the sadness would kick in, that bullshit committee in my head would start up and I would beat myself up for not being “normal” and able to join in and have a good time. But, is everyone really having a good time? Probably not. And that brings me to the next hurdle I had to overcome, perception. Again, my head wants to tell me that everyone loves the holidays and all of the events of the season and everyone has a great time and finds it easy to socialize and engage with those around them. Now, I know today that isn’t true, and I’m sure you’re out there shaking your head too, but back when I was specializing in isolation my head told me the latter, and I believed it. There goes that anxiety spike again. The truth is that most people get anxious at gatherings and events and everyone is doing their best to look and sound like their not, and once I allowed myself to see that and believe that, my anxiousness became acceptable to me and I began to look for those people like myself, who seemed a bit awkward, and made a commitment to talk to them. Just like outside those gatherings, it’s all about finding your tribe and support group, and when you take off the “weirdo” glasses you think you’re wearing and look through your own eyes and the truth, you see that there are others, like yourself, who may be struggling out there. That’s when things started to change. I also used a back up system. I had my support team, those group of people who understood me and my challenges, and I would let them know I was venturing out for some holiday cheer, I would be accountable, and when I felt overwhelmed I would excuse myself and call and text someone on my team, then I didn’t feel like I was walking in alone, unarmed. When I let my team know I was nervous I would get messages back checking in or encouraging me to jump in there and participate, that made a huge difference to start, to know I had support. That support and my willingness to break out of my isolation was the key to learning to connect with people and actually starting to enjoy the holiday season by being in the moment rather than trying to live up to what I thought, or someone else thought, it should be. And for those gatherings that may not be healthiest place, having that support team in your pocket not only makes attending those functions easier, but also gives you some great conversation and connecting with that support on the ride home.

The holidays come ever year, whether we like it or not, so why not like it, maybe not all of it, but find the parts you like, or a willing to be open to liking, gather your support team and don’t head out there alone. Also, find a way to give back on those days that are most challenging. I have always found when I give back I find relief in my own anxiety or depression as the act of giving gets me out of my own head and allows me to see the good through others. So, if you find that you are finding this season particularly challenging, think about what you can do to make someone else’s day brighter, even if it’s just by picking up the phone. We all have the power to change our perception of the month ahead, why not find a magic in it that makes us want to celebrate instead of isolate. Change always starts with willingness. Be willing to find something to celebrate this holiday season. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find the holiday season difficult? Why is that? Do you tend to isolate over the holidays? How does that make you feel? Does that help with your feelings about the holidays? Does it make it worse? What can you do to isolate less? How can you find some joy and magic in the holidays? Is there any part of the holidays you do enjoy? Can you add something of yourself or something you love to the holidays? What is that? Many people have trouble getting through the holidays, you are not alone, find and hook in with your support team, stay connected with them as you navigate through the holidays season, and, look for those little things you might enjoy, even just for yourself, those little things may just blossom into a personal appreciation and holiday spirit.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Don’t Let Your Mind Bully Your Body

It was in my teens that I remember starting to hate my body. I felt betrayed by it. I had been a thin athletic kid and then things started to change. I felt like things were happening in my body that I didn’t like, and what was happening was bringing unwanted attention. It was during that time that I started hating my body. I had already had built up an uncomfortability with who I was, that I hid, and to then have my body change only added to my discomfort and eventual hate for myself and how I looked. It was during that time of change that I also became hyper-aware of others around me, comparing myself to them and never feeling like I could measure up. Nothing, in my eyes, when it came to my mind or body, was ever good enough, and the downward spiral began of my mind bullying my body.

Looking back at myself back then there wasn’t anything to be ashamed about, or beat myself up about, and having been on this road of recovery for quite some time I can see that what I was mainly upset about was feeling that I wasn’t in control. There were many things back then I felt I had no control over, and my body changing felt like the final betrayal, and I set out to stop it and take back the control I felt I had lost. That path led to an eating disorder I was lucky to recover from, and it took me many years to totally overcome, and even so, there are days today, that I keep myself in check and accountable regarding my food intake. But when I think back to those days and how much hate I had for myself and my body it makes me sad. There wasn’t anything wrong with it. And, now, in later years, I appreciate my body and what it does for me, what it allows me to do, and my overall health, but back then, it was all about looking a certain way and trying to manipulate myself to be something I wasn’t. I just wanted to blend in so that no one would ask me any questions, and the more I hated myself  the louder the negative self-talk got in my head. It was a scare that got me on the road healthier eating and self-care, but it was a slow and arduous road. And, as grateful as I am today to have a better relationship with food and my body, I still struggle with my own body image on certain days, I even caught myself today thinking negative thoughts.

Most of us seem to have things about ourselves and our bodies we dislike, or, would like to change. And, if there is a change that is better for your overall health and well-being it’s great to set goals and make those changes, but when we continuously beat ourselves up for not looking like someone we’re not, we are walking down a dangerous path. We are not meant to all look the same. We are meant to be all different shapes, colors, and textures, and you know what, each of them is beautiful! Like other topics I’ve covered it’s about changing our thinking, looking at the positive instead of focusing on the seemingly negative. We all were given the body we have for a reason, why not make the most of it, why not cherish it, love it, and appreciate all that it does for us, even if it doesn’t do all we would like, we can train ourselves to not let our mind bully our body. SLAY on!

(The picture above was from a time I hated myself and my body, proof to myself now how my self-image contorted the truth.)

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you love your body? Do you like your body? If yes, to either why? If no to either why? Have you always love or hated your body? If there was a change, what changed? What can you do today to have a more positive healthier body image? Have you tried this in the past? Has it worked? If yes, why did you stop? If it hasn’t, why hasn’t it worked? Is there something you are hanging onto that is stopping you from loving your body? Is there something you can do to change that? We all have our own unique beauty and it’s up to each of us to find that beauty, and, hopefully celebrate it.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Alone In A Crowded Room

I’ve talked a lot at STATE OF SLAY about feeling different, less than, feeling awkward and anxious in social situations growing up, and into my adulthood, before walking this path. It’s a time of year when there are many social gatherings, parties and family functions and I was reminded how I used to feel alone in a crowded room. I could have been in a sold-out stadium and I still felt alone.

I never felt like I belonged, and because of that I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself, and later, as my disease progressed, I isolated, believing those voices in my head that told me no one would understand me, or want to be around me, if you knew my truth, those voices kept me isolated, alone, even though I had people around me. The more I stayed away from all of you the worse my disease got, when I was alone it had me where it wanted me, at attention, with nothing to distract me, no good could come in when all I was hearing was the bad. And, that feeling of loneliness, when I was with people, added fuel to the fire that I just didn’t fit in.

What I didn’t realize is that I didn’t fit in because I believed I didn’t fit in. And I kept believing that story because I wasn’t sharing it with anyone. I believed that all of you always felt like you fit in, even that you were all at ease in every situation, because that’s what my head told me. What I realized when I stepped on this path, and started to share, is that many of you felt like I did, odd, weird, like a misfit at times, but you either walked through your uncomfortableness, or you just found the other people who felt like you did. Now I know, you’re out there.

Feeling alone in a crowded room isn’t something you feel alone, I’ve been you, and there are more like us. And I’m here to tell you I’m here, I’m in that room with you and you’re not alone. I’m also here to tell you that you can overcome that feeling, because it’s something you have the power to change. Your head may tell you that you can’t, or that you’re not good enough to, or that no one will understand, but I’m going to rain on those voices’ parade and tell you from the other side that you are good enough and you can do it, it just takes some courage and honesty. When we share our fears or feelings with others we typically find that most people feel, or have felt like we do. We learn that we are not alone. And, when we realize that there are others likes us, many others, it may give us the courage to share with them and once we do, that fear starts to lose it’s power over us, it starts to fall to the ground like an old piece of clothing that no longer fits us, and the truth is, it never did fit us, we just put it on as a form of protection because we didn’t yet have the tools or awareness that we aren’t so different from those around us after all.

Sometimes the thing that separates us from our fellows is the one thing that will connect us, we just have to find the strength to let it out, to not let it control us, and continue to lie to us. Speak your truth and not only let it allow you to relate to others, but you may just be giving another lonely person permission to do the same. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel lonely in a crowded room? Why do you feel that way? Have you always felt that way? Write down the first time you remember feeling that way. What made you feel alone back then? Is that reason still valid today or an old story you’ve stuck to? How can you shake that story and live in the present? Who do you feel comfortable with? Why? Are you able to find other people like that? If so, where? Why don’t you find those people? What is your biggest fear in social situations? Is that fear a fact, or an old story from your past? What if you ignored those voices that tell you you’re different, that people won’t understand and like you? How would social situations be different? Do it SLAYER, be honest about how you feel, find someone in the next social situation you find yourself in who looks like they also feel like you do, let them know how you’re feeling, you may just make a connection to someone just like yourself, and, you can walk through your fears together.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

The Living Dead – Numbing Parts Of Yourself And Letting Them Die Off

For most of my life I lived my life like the living dead. I was living a life, well, going through the motions, but was numbing our stuffing down those parts of me that were too painful or I didn’t want to face. I had done that for so long that it became normal to shut down my feelings and thoughts until some of them started to die off. Some of those parts I didn’t even notice were gone and others I was glad to see go because I thought it made my life easier not to feel them. I thought those parts dying off made my life easier. But what was happening is I was slowly becoming dead inside and the only thing I was making easier was for the negative voices in my head to take over and control my life.

My whole life I had tried to fill a void inside of me with outside things, something I was never able to do, and couldn’t do, but by numbing parts of myself or letting parts of me die off I made that void even bigger. My brain was telling me that this was a good thing, but what it was really doing was letting my disease progress and start to take over from those parts of me that knew better or would resist. I look back at myself at that time and I looked dead. There was no life in my eyes, and there have been times I haven’t even recognized myself in photographs. If you had asked me during that time how I was I would have said great, but I would have been lying. I would even lie to myself, but underneath my own bullshit I knew it wasn’t true, that I was dying, and I was letting it happen. It got to a point where I was almost completely dead inside, and the rest of those parts of me that hadn’t died, were in grave danger of forever being numb, but I somehow found one tiny bit of light left, one little bit of hope that I hadn’t killed off, and that little bit was enough to give me the courage to reach out for help before I had let go all together and succumbed to death itself.

Today, after many years of work and learning to love myself, I have also learned to feel my feelings without being afraid of them. No matter what life throws at me I won’t allow myself to numb what comes up, and I certainly won’t allow any piece of me to die off because I’m afraid of it. That does make some days difficult, it can be uncomfortable to sit in my feelings and then have to find a way to work through them, and I do it. I do it because I’m worth it. I’m worth the work, and I know that today. And so are you.

We are not meant to go through life numb, or let parts of us die off just so we can get by without feeling things we don’t want to feel. Those feelings are there to tell us things, to teach us things, and to guide us to where we are meant to be. Those feelings are there for a reason, so to take them away we are walking through life blind, and wandering aimlessly to whatever destination seems the easiest, and not where we are necessarily meant to be to help us grow and learn. If you find something too painful use that as in indicator to change, to seek out help, to understand why these memories or feelings have come up, there is always a reason for everything, so trust that you are experiencing exactly what you are supposed to and instead of grabbing for the nearest thing to numb those feelings, ask yourself what you can do to learn from what it is coming up, no matter how daunting that may seem, there is always a way to find your way on the other side of them, and find a way to let your inner light shine and burn bright. I was able to find my light in the darkness, and I know you can too. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: When you feel uncomfortable with your feelings do you immediately try to numb them or make them go away? Why? How do you do that? How does that help you? How does that hurt you? How long have you done that? Do you ever let yourself feel your feelings? What scares you about your feelings? Where you ever told you weren’t allowed to have feelings? Who told you that? Why? You are allowed SLAYER, we’re all entitled to feel what we feel, and we can use what we feel to get stronger and to let those feelings guide us to where we are meant to be next, and typically the feelings we are resisting the most are the ones that are going to teach us the most, so dive in and feel what you feel.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Anger is the emotion we choose when we’re trying to avoid less comfortable feelings.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Anger

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When you are able to be comfortable in uncertainty, infinite possibilities come into your life.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Possibilities

Release The Investment In Your Suffering

Some of us have invested a lot in our suffering over the years. For some of us it has become our identity, the fabric of who we are, and how we present ourselves to the world. But what is it really getting us? How is it helping us? It’s not.

We may feel it protects us, we may feel we belong there, we may not know how not to live without our suffering, we maybe be told it’s what we deserve, we may tell ourselves that we deserve it, we may not even know we’re living in our own suffering. I used to fall into a few of these scenarios, but I mostly identify with feeling that I belonged there and playing the martyr. I always thought I was hard done by, that bad things were constantly happening to me and I played the victim, but then I would also tell myself that I deserved them. Therein was the insanity of my brain. But I had invested a lot in my suffering, and when I didn’t think I had suffered enough I created my own suffering to make sure I was getting enough. I also used my suffering to manipulate other people into feeling sorry for me, to get what I wanted. I figured out every way I possible angle of suffering I could to torture myself and to use to gain what I wanted. But when I stepped on this path and I was told I was going to have to let it go, I got scared, suffering was all I knew, and, I had invested a whole lifetime into it, that’s a lot of work to throw out, and, what would I replace it with?

What I did replace it with is self-love, was with respect, with learning who I was, what my voice sounded like, and filling that void with good, something that made my stomach turn at first because the old me, the one who relished her suffering, didn’t want the good to come in, because who was I without my suffering? Without my suffering to hold onto like a life raft, I had to learn who I really was, because when I took the suffering away I was a bit of a blank canvas, so much of my time went into perpetuating my suffering I didn’t know how to bring in the good, and it felt scary to release the bad. But what I’ve learned on this path is that when things feel scary that is good, it means there is change happening, change that is needed, it means I’m walking on uncharted territory and trying something new, and I know from doing it time and time again over the last 12 years that something great always comes out of that. I’ve learned to get comfortable in the uncomfortableness of change. I’ve learned to look forward to it even, crazy right? It’s when I just feel comfortable that I know I’m not moving forward, and it’s easy to stay stuck there, to hang back, to settle in, but nothing great happens when we stay stuck, it’s when we reach out, take a leap of faith, and do what we’ve never done before that the shifts occur, that the magic happens, so now, when I start to do something new, to challenge myself and I start to feel uncomfortable, I know that that’s when I need to find comfortableness in that place, because a new normal is approaching, a normal that I have never been to before, a normal that will become comfortable and take me to the next uncomfortable place.

The key to all of this is to let go of your suffering, your suffering is an old story you used to tell yourself, it no longer serves you, it is holding you back from becoming your best you, of realizing your dreams, of making your life bigger and brighter, and of you realizing that you are not defined by your suffering, you are defined by your actions, by who you are today, but who you aspire to be. Let go of past and step forward into who you are meant to be.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you hang on to your suffering? Do you have a hard time letting it go because you’ve invested so much time into it? So much of your life? What do you think will happen if you let it go? How will it hurt you? How will it help you? Do you see how it holds you back from moving forward? Do you see it’s not who are truly are? You have the power to let it go, to shed your suffering and start anew, to discover who you really are, who you want and are meant to be. You wouldn’t keep wearing an old pair of shoes that are worn out and no longer fit you, so why are you still wearing a worn out story that no longer fits you today? Let it go SLAYER, and find the real you. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you