disease

Are You On Your Resentment List?

When I was on the path of recovery I was told to make a list of all the people who I thought had harmed me. I vigorously started writing. When I was asked to read it aloud, I was asked why I wasn’t on that list. I stopped and thought about that. I wanted to point the finger at everyone else for the pain and anger I felt, but when I thought about it honestly, no one had caused me more pain than myself, and I had a lot of anger toward myself for not being good enough, in my eyes, so why was I so quick to point the finger elsewhere? It was part of my sickness, that part that uses other things to distract me from what’s really going on. My disease wants to me think everyone else is to blame, because as long as I am pointing the finger outward I’m not going to look inward for a solution. On the flip-side, I also couldn’t focus on myself on that resentment list as a way to bash myself further. I had to find a way to use it to heal and to be accountable for my own actions.

I had always resented myself. In my eyes, I had always failed at being who I wanted to be or thought I should be. I never measured up in my eyes. I spent my life with almost unattainable expectations of myself and when I didn’t meet them I would mentally and verbally beat myself up. I not only resented myself, I hated myself for most of my life. But you would never know it. Outside of some self-deprecating comments, I put on a brave face and an air of “I’m fine,” while I was slowing rotting from the inside from my self-hatred. I talk about “my disease,” it wasn’t until I sought out help that I realized I had one, mental illness is cunning and it hid itself in my life from as far back as I can remember. Learning that I had an illness helped me to find some understanding, and eventually some acceptance and forgiveness for myself. It also helped me to find some new tools to live a life that I can be proud of, and one where I would take responsibility for my actions, instead of pointing my finger elsewhere. I don’t resent myself today, nor do I resent those other people who were on my list back then, because I know that for the most part, I played a part in those relationships, circumstances or altercations I was so upset about, and for those I had no part in, I could see that those people were, and are, fighting their own sicknesses and illnesses, and I can, today, find some compassion there, and in some cases, even relate to their struggle.

Beating ourselves up for past mistakes, or for being less than what we think we should be doesn’t make things any better, it never will, all it will do is keep us down, keep us sick, and keep us from reaching our full potential. Learning to love ourselves is the greatest gift we can offer to our heart and our spirit, finding those things we love about ourselves and celebrating that, not what we don’t like. Find more of what you do like, find the good in you and what makes you you, what makes you special, and you are special SLAYER, we all are in our own way, reach deep inside and find the light that is your special light and let it shine, not only out in the world to share with others, but shine it back at you and heal your hurt. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you resent yourself? If so, why? Do you have resentments towards others? Why? What, within those resentments, did you play a part in? If you had no part, can you identify the sickness in those people that may have caused them to act a certain way? Has an illness affected the way you’ve acted, is there something you’re struggling with and working to overcome? We all have our own battles SLAYER, it is important to love ourselves through our difficulties and also those around us, to find some understanding of what others may also be struggling with, and to not engage and put ourselves in situations that may harm us, or others, because it’s something we want or are trying to force into happening. Honor yourself, and those around you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Mental Illness – THAT Label

When I was suffering in my disease I didn’t tell anyone what as going on with me. I carried a lot of fear and shame for how I was living my life and thought that if I did tell someone the thoughts that ran through my head, and the things I was doing daily just to get by, that I would be locked up and labeled crazy. I had watched others in my life suffer with mental illness, and I was determined not to be like them, but determination wasn’t going to change the facts, I was in the throes of mental illness and I was loosing the battle.

I was fortunate that someone came into my life who had been where I was, someone who didn’t judge me or preach to me, he simply shared his story with me and lead by example. It took several months for that story to really resonate with me, but thankfully it did, and I recognized myself in that story and knew that that person was safe to reach out to and share my struggle with. It was that phone call that saved my life and started me on the path I live today, I have never looked back.

Why are we so afraid of the term mental illness? It wasn’t something I particularly liked as I set out on my path of recovery, but it put things in perspective for me. I had an illness. It wasn’t a lack of willpower or not being good enough that had caused me to get to such a bottom in my life that it brought me to my knees, and, nearly cost me my life, I was sick.

Mental illness covers a wide range of conditions that affect our mood, thinking or behavior. Some symptoms include:

  • Feeling sad or down

  • Confused thinking or reduced ability to concentrate

  • Excessive fears or worries, or extreme feelings of guilt

  • Extreme mood changes of highs and lows

  • Withdrawal from friends and activities

  • Significant tiredness, low energy or problems sleeping

  • Detachment from reality (delusions), paranoia or hallucinations

  • Inability to cope with daily problems or stress

  • Trouble understanding and relating to situations and to people

  • Alcohol or drug abuse

  • Major changes in eating habits

  • Sex drive changes

  • Excessive anger, hostility or violence

  • Suicidal thinking

I experienced all of these before reaching out for help. Sometimes symptoms of a mental health disorder appear as physical problems, such as stomach pain, back pain, headache, or other unexplained aches and pains. It’s cunning, baffling and powerful, and depending on what exactly you may be experiencing, it may also tell you you don’t have it. Mine certainly did, and on some days, still can.

But here’s what I’ve learned on this path of over 13 years. It can get better, and does if you seek help, and, are willing to be honest with yourself and others about what you are struggling with, if you are willing to do the work to get better, and can stop beating yourself up for something that is not your fault. We don’t criticize someone for being diagnosed with cancer, so why do we think we will be criticized for a mental health diagnoses? And if someone does criticize, it’s from their own fear or ignorance. There is nothing to be ashamed of. 43.8 million adults in the US deal with symptoms of mental illness everyday, and, with a diagnoses and proper self-care, many, like myself, lead happy and productive lives.

We need to change our perception of what mental illness means, and, what it does not mean. It does not make us weak, it does not make us less than, it does not make us losers, unable to cope, lazy, not equipped for life, it means we have certain obstacles we have to navigate around and we have to make sure we are doing what we need each day to keep ourselves in good health, mentally, physically and spiritually, that is all.

For those who dislike the label, labels do not define us, it is only a way to distinguish what is going on and what needs to be dealt with. For me, even though I didn’t like that label to start, it made what I was experiencing make sense, once I accepted that label I was able to do my homework and seek out the right kind of help I needed to get better, for me, shying away from that label would have only prolonged my suffering, and, in the end, may have kept me from getting well and which would have put my life in danger, the key to my getting well was being rigorously honest with myself and that meant I needed to accept the truth so that I could get better. I was told at the beginning of my journey that when I had the facts I was safe, even if they weren’t what I had wanted to hear, when I new what they were I could make sound decisions for my own well-being. The fact was, and is, I suffer from mental illness, except, I don’t suffer anymore, I thrive with it, overcome it and allow it to now connect me with others who may be struggling with it. Something that I once thought of as a curse is now the reason I started this blog, the reason it’s important to me to give back, to share my story because within that story and within my disease is hope, something I didn’t have when I was in denial about my mental illness.

No one wants to be different, no one wants to think of themselves as not capable, but suffering in silence is not the answer, not when there is an abundance of help out there, much of it free, to help you discover your best you, and to help you realize that a mental illness diagnoses is not anything to be ashamed about. May is mental health awareness month, a good time to look into what mental illness is and what it may mean to you, a great time to get honest and get some education around what might be troubling you or someone you love. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have an issue with the term mental illness? If yes, why? Have you been diagnosed with a mental illness? Do you think you have symptoms of mental illness? What are they? Where can you go to seek help or guidance? Do you talk about your symptoms with others? If yes, who? If not, why not? Do you stand in your own way of getting help because of your how prejudice of what you think mental illness is or means? What if you looked into it anyway, let go of your fears or ideas of what you think it means and just look into the facts? Mental illness does not make you a bad person, 1 and 5 adults has some form of mental illness, you are not alone and you are not at fault, but you hold the key to finding relief and finding a way of life that allows you to be your best self.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Never, Never Again

There were so many times in my life, before walking this path, that I would say never again. And yet, I would repeat those same behaviors over and over, even the ones I knew were self-destructive and were taking down an even darker road than I was already on. My attitude, always, was, well if I’ve already messed up this little bit I might as go whole hog and hit the “f*ck it button.” There was no middle ground, I was either doing great, or down in the dumps, I gave myself no room for anything in between. Living within those tight parameters I was setting myself up to fail, most of the time, and truthfully that’s where my head wanted me, to constantly be failing so I would increasingly get worse and think there was no way out. But there was.

When I finally fell to my knees and was able ask for help, I was told it takes time to break old habits and to begin a new way of life, and that even if I made mistakes, or failed in my opinion, that was part of the recovery process. That I had to wrap my head around. Failure was part of the process? Well, the truth was, it wasn’t really “failure,” it was all just part of the process, something I had to learn as I fell and got back up again. I also learned that those falls were where I learned the most, so they, for me, were an essential part of the process. I had to find comfortabililty in the gray areas between what I viewed as “right” or “wrong.” Being OK in the gray wasn’t easy at first because the minute I wasn’t perfect at this new way of life and slipped back into old behaviors or patterns, that negative bullshit committee in my head would pipe up and say, “see, you can’t do it!” In fact, they would scream it. And, I had to learn to say, “you’re lying, I can, watch me.”

Change takes time. It takes of trying, over and over again, until it becomes less effort. Until it becomes a part of who you are and not something you have to think about anymore. You are going to fail, or fall, or make mistakes, that’s part of making changes, but the important thing is to not give up, to keep going, to do better next time, or try again. Don’t put those parameters on yourself and say never again, you may do it again, you may do it many times before you stop doing it, and even when you stop doing it, you may do it another time. Allow yourself to have some wiggle room, to be in the gray space in between, where you’re trying your best, and that’s good enough, it is actually more than good enough. It was pointed out to me in my early journey that I had done things the old way much longer than I had the new way, so it wasn’t fair to beat myself for falling back to what I knew or once did, but I always had the chance to do it better the next time. And that’s what I did. It’s been over 13 years now and sometimes I can still fall back, but I know now that when I do it’s just a moment and it’s not who I am today, and maybe I fall back from time to time to remind myself where I don’t want to fall back to, and that’s OK, because today I know the right choices for me and what I need to do to live this life I’ve worked so hard for, a slip from time to time isn’t the end of the world, it’s just part of the process.

Allow yourself to make mistakes, and when you do, never say never again, say, I’ll do better next time, or I’ll try to, or, I did my best today. No one is perfect, and embracing those times we may fall back, and learning to look at them as learning opportunities rather than failures is the mindset that will get us to the place we’re working so hard for, I know, because I got there, and I know you can too. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like you’ve failed if you fall back on old behaviors? Do you beat yourself up for it? Do you set strict parameters for yourself that you can’t possibly live within to grow and learn naturally? Why do you think you do this? How do you think you can ease those parameters to let yourself grow and make mistakes as part of your process and journey? What do you think will happen if you do? Let yourself live in the gray area sometimes, let go of the restrictions of right or wrong and let yourself find your way, always striving to do better the next time if you haven’t made the best choice in the moment, let yourself find the right way and not beat yourself up for the mistakes along the way, those mistakes might just be what’s guiding you to the right choice the next time.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When we’re able to quiet our mind it allows our soul to speak.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Soul

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Every time you judge someone you reveal a part of yourself that needs healing.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Judge Others

Blame-Saying Is Game-Playing

Before walking this path I spent a lot of my time pointing out the faults of others. I figured I knew how to fix everyone else’s lives, even though mine was falling a part, and like a runaway train heading toward a tunnel of death. But to talk to me, I know better. You were all doing it wrong, or could do it better, and if you’d just listen to me, you’d straighten things out. It’s funny to me, looking back, because I’m sure many people in my life were thinking the same about my life, and they probably had some sound advice, but I would never listen to it, because it was all of you who had the problem, not me. What I didn’t realize at the time is that I was doing that to take the heat off myself. I spent so much time pointing out the faults of others, I didn’t have time to look at my own, and even if I did have time, it was much easier to point out yours than actually look at the issues that were making me, and keeping me, sick. It’s easy to get caught looking at the faults of others, it can start so subtly and can easily turn perverse as we give ourselves self-granted permission to remain comfortably unaware of our own defects.

For me, the sicker I got the more I focused on those around me to find relief my the inner struggle, but the more I focused you, the more my disease grew because my attention was elsewhere, it was a smokescreen that allowed me to get sicker, and the sicker I got, the more focused I became on fixing everyone else.

Today, I know that I need to keep the spotlight on myself, and if my mind wanders and starts to look at the fault of others, I know I need to turn that focus back on myself because there is something I’m avoiding or trying to dodge. When we don’t want to deal with something, or are trying to avoid a feeling, we often will look out to outside things to distract us, or hope it passes, but what we should be doing is facing it head on, looking into why we’re trying to avoid it, and what the root of it is. It goes back to self-respect, honoring who we are and what we need, taking the time to get to know who we really are, it’s only then that we can figure out why we do the things we do and why we may be avoiding certain feelings or emotions. We are on a life long journey with ourselves, it’s up to us to explore, love and learn who we are, and to celebrate ourselves in a healthy and positive way. Playing games with ourselves keeps us stuck, keeps us sick, and can make us sicker if we continue to look around everywhere but inside ourselves. Stop passing blame onto others, judging those around you and avoiding the true issue. What is causing you to avoid who you really are? SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you focus on others when you don’t want to deal with your own issues or feelings? How do you do that? Why do you do that? Write an example of when you’ve done that. What was the result? Have people told you to mind your own business? Should you have? Did you after you were told to? Or do you persist and keep meddling in their lives? How do you feel when someone gives you unwanted advice about your life? Do you appreciate it? Or get angry or annoyed? We have no right to judge others, our lives, each of us, is what we’re responsible for, as is everyone else. The more we take that focus off of us and direct that at others, the more we’re in danger of letting our disease, or the darkness, take over while we’re distracted and looking somewhere else, which is exactly what it wants. Once it convinces us to look outside of ourselves it can do what it wants, and if we’re so focused on everyone else, we’re in danger of loosing ourselves. No matter how difficult something may be to face, it doesn’t compare to the pain that is building within ourselves as we try to ignore it and distract ourselves from the real issue at hand, we are giving that pain permission to grow and slowly take over. It’s time to take that permission back, and get in touch with our true selves.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Deny Denial

When I was living in my disease I was totally in denial about how sick I was. I would tell myself stories about how it was everyone else’s fault or that things weren’t really that bad, they were. No matter what happened, or how bad things got, I never admitted the truth to myself until I couldn’t deny it anymore because I couldn’t ignore the place I found myself. I was emotionally and spiritually bankrupt, and in grave danger of taking my own life. I think for me, because of my stubbornness and cunning ability to deny my truth, it took me falling down that low for me to finally see the problem, and to be willing to do something about it. I don’t suggest waiting that long, because things very easily could have gone a different way during that time, a more permanent way, one where I no longer had the choice to get well, but I was granted some grace, and a tiny bit of hope, to reach out my hand and finally admit the truth. And, even now, over 13 years later, my mental illness will tell me I don’t have it, that I’m OK, it still actively wants me to fall back into denial.

I wrote recently about being rigorously honest, it’s imperative for me that I live in that place, because if I start to bend the truth, or leave things out of my story, I start to deny what is really going on, of who I am today, and where I came from, and once I start doing that my disease sits up and takes notice. It waits for me to get a little lazy, or back off on my recovery and when and if I do, it peppers denial into my thoughts without me even noticing it and then starts to open the door wider to more and bigger denial, if I allow that to happen, I am in danger of falling back to where I was, or worse.

Life can be painful. There are things that can be hard to face, or admit, but if we don’t live in our truth, admit our faults, and make amends or apologize for what we’ve done denial takes over and tells us all kinds of lies that keep us sick, or isolated, or in our own heads. The truth keeps us well, healthy, and in the light, there is no place for denial in truth. Denial may feel like the safer place, especially if it’s a place we’ve lived in for a while, but it’s deceptive, denial does not keep us safe, it leaves us exposed and in harm’s way, we are only safe when we know and live in the truth.

But first we need to have the willingness to live in our truth, and to see things as they really are, not as we’d like them to be, or prefer them to be, or the story we’d rather tell. Perhaps our story is that we’re not like everyone else, even though we would prefer to be, and so it may be about finding acceptance in ourselves and who we are, and, for some of us, that we do live with some kind of mental illness, or some other health issue that may cause us shame, or difficulty, or may separate us from those around us, if we let it. We may have gotten so good rationalizing our denial, or coming up with alibis for our behavior that living in our truth may seem like a tall order, but it can be done, and needs to be done if we are to live in any kind of healthy loving way. And that brings us back to self-love. When we learn to love ourselves we learn to accept all of who we are, even those parts we used to deny, and when we are able to shine love in those places we used to hide we can truly live in the light and become our true selves.

Denial only leads to more denial, more lies, stories, and untruths. We as SLAYERS live in the light, our truth, we deny denial, we take responsibility for our actions, and we own who we are and what we do. Denial only brings us more pain, and possibly leads us down an even darker path than the one we already find ourselves on. Let go of the fear you may hold of telling your truth, and find the freedom in accepting the truth, and sharing that truth with those in your life. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you live in denial? What specifically do you refuse to accept? Why do you think you refuse to accept it? What’s stopping you? What are you afraid of? Do you see how living in denial is keeping you sick, or making you sicker? What evidence is there of this in your life? What can you do to get more honest? Write down 5 things. Find acceptance for who you are and what you may struggle with, it’s only then that we begin to step out of the shadows and start living the life that we are meant to, and are capable of having.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Your Scars May Be Someone Else’s Hope

When I was living in my disease I used to think I was too damaged to be loved. I thought that if I let someone in, truly in, they would see my scars and see how ugly I was. When I looked at myself, all I could see was the scars, and I worked really hard to pretend everything was OK in the hopes that you wouldn’t notice them. What I didn’t realize was the longer I kept trying to hide them, and hide my pain, the more scars I was accumulating, and the harder it was to hide them. It wasn’t until I sought help that I realized that my scars weren’t ugly, or something to be ashamed of, that they were just a part of my story, and my story, and my scars, may be able to not only help me, but may also be able to help someone else.

Scars prove we are survivors, warriors, they are what’s left when the wound is closed, it’s evidence the pain was there, but a sign that the healing can begin, or has already happened. They don’t make us ugly, or unlovable, in fact they can show the world just how beautiful we are, and how strong our spirit is. To still be standing, to overcome whatever obstacles we have had to to be here today is a show of our strength and our ability to overcome the suffering and to let that pain become one of our brightest assets because it didn’t break us. The fact that we’ve come so far despite the scars from our past allows us to shine a beacon of hope to those out there who are still suffering, I know this is true, because 13 years ago someone else’s beacon caught me in it’s ray of light and it showed me that there might be another way, a way to live in the light.

A large part of this journey for me was accepting those scars I could not see. Those scars that ran deep inside, and went back in time as far as I could remember. Those scars that would get in my way of friendships, relationships, commitments, dreams and ambitions. I had to learn to love those scars as well, and if I couldn’t, at least acknowledge them and learn from them as I stepped forward on this new path of light. Those scars were the ones I needed to share the most, as they needed the most light. And, the more I did share them the more I realized that there were many like me who had those same scars and I learned to find the beauty in them, and, in myself. I used to think of myself as a warrior because I was a fighter and I could get through things on sheer willpower alone, but that’s not what makes a warrior strong, it’s about knowing those weak places inside of us, loving those places, and moving forward anyway, overcoming those parts that aren’t strong, or we’re not proud of, and accepting them all, loving them all, sharing them all, and as we do those scars, those scars we used to think of as ugly, or things we should hide, become the most beautiful things about us because they show our strength, or character, our ability to survive, and we can use that to offer hope to those who still think they need to hide their scars. Our scars offer hope.  SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you try to hide those parts of yourself that you think are ugly? Why do you hide them? Why are you afraid to let people see them? Do you think other people don’t have the scars that you do? Even if some may not, the fact that you have overcome your obstacles, have lived through your scars, proves how strong and how much of a survivor you are, which is nothing to be ashamed of. Those things we have survived in our lives, those things we’ve overcome are what make us the most beautiful, not only because we’ve survived them, but because we can show others it’s possible, we can use those things we thought were the worst of us to show others it’s possible to not only live through difficult circumstances or events, but that we can use them to grow, to connect, and to thrive on the other side of them. I believe we survive, not only for ourselves, but to show others the way to stop hiding the scars and things we used to because we now know the beauty and value they hold today, and they remind us of where we’ve come from, and where you don’t ever want to return to again.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Upside-Down Personality Right-Side Up

I always felt different from everyone else. As far back as I can remember, sitting in school, or standing in the playground, everyone else seemed to have an easier time than I did, or so it seemed, to me. I always had friends, but I had to work at it, it wasn’t something that came easily to me. I would overthink things, try to plan out what I was going to say, worry about what others were thinking about me, and trying to anticipate who everyone else wanted me to be. I always felt like my thinking, my humor, who I was was upside-down.

I managed to get by for a long time pretending I was like you. But eventually all that pretending caught up to me, and I tried to use things to stuff down the anxiety and uncomfortably I felt in my day-to-day life. I thought maybe it was something I would grow out of, but I never did. And as I finished school and started my career that anxiety got worse, so I did whatever I could to suffocate it with whatever I could, to appear normal. Eventually what I was doing to get by stopped working and the anxiety ramped up even more to the point where it became unbearable. I found myself in my mid-30’s not really knowing who I was but not liking who I thought myself to be. If I thought I was upside-down in the past, I was now really upside-down then.

I was fortunate that someone came into my life at that time who had felt the way I had. But, he no longer felt that way. I was intrigued. Was there a way to turn my upside-side personality right-side up? He told me there was, because he had done it. It had never occurred to me that I could, I thought I would just have to find a way to live the way I had been, even though I knew I couldn’t go on living that way. I was desperate enough to try something new and so I set out on this path I now walk on.

The key to finding my right-side-up personality was with self-love, but I also a heavy dose of forgiveness. Some things were easier to forgive than others, but the more I was able to see that the way I felt wasn’t always because of my own actions, that I had a mental illness that got in the way of me living and learning like most people, and because of that I did not have the tools I needed to live a healthy and happy life. Even that took some acceptance, even though it made sense to me and I was identifying with the symptoms and actions of my illness, I had to get over the stigma of being labeled with one, but once I was able to accept that, I wanted to gather as many tools as I could, because I knew I had to get to work, and I knew if I did, I could get better. I realized that how I had felt as a child was not my fault, there was something else going on that I couldn’t have understood, and that I did the best I could with the information I had. Did I go on a spree of self-destruction later in adulthood, yes, but again, I had a disease I didn’t know I had and without the proper information I just reached for what I could to quiet it down.

Today I know the difference. I know who I am, and I love who I am, flaws and all…remember those aren’t really flaws they are what make us flawsome. But I’ve done enough work to know what I’m dealing with today, that doesn’t make every day easy, but it makes it manageable, and if it doesn’t feel manageable, I have places to go to hit the reset button, and people I can talk to walk me through it. I’ve also learned that some of my personality is a little upside-down, but today I embrace those upside-down parts, it’s what makes me me, as long as I make sure that most of me is right-side up, I know I’ll be OK. And you know what, you will be too. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel different from those around you? How so? Do you think that what makes you different makes is wrong? Why? Who says they’re wrong? Do they hurt you? Do they hurt others? What parts of you would you like to change? How can you? Why would you like to change those things? Is there someone or a group of people who can help you do that? Have you reached out to them in the past? If not, why haven’t you? If you have, why didn’t you continue to do the work? Is there something you’re afraid of? Does feeling better scare you? Why? SLAYER, you have the power to change, and that’s pretty powerful, I know because I’ve done it. Seek out those who can help you make the changes you want to see in yourself. Love yourself through those changes and find forgiveness in the past when you didn’t know the difference, and love yourself for knowing what you do today.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Tough vs. Strong

Before stepping on this path I used to think tough and strong were interchangeable. I thought they meant the same thing. I had been through a lot in my life and I considered myself tough. I wore that like a badge of honor, but what I didn’t realize that what I was so proud of was keeping me sick, keeping me isolated and contributing to my loneliness.

Being tough, for me, meant putting on my armor, keeping everyone out, and keeping my sickness in. Being tough wasn’t kind, it wasn’t compassionate, it was cold, it could be mean, and it fed into my disease, it gave it fuel to grow and spread, and it kept me ashamed enough to not tell anyone, and the longer I lived that way the sicker I got. And even as I was getting sicker, I thought I was getting tougher, but really it was just my disease that was getting tougher as it rapidly took over and I got lost inside of it. That tough exterior was hiding a soft interior, one of a sensitive girl who was hiding behind that armor, to survive, she thought, but was slowly succumbing to her disease. We tell ourselves stories, to survive, to walk through pain, and my perceived toughness was a story I told myself to make it better for myself, to make the way I was living my life easier to accept, to make excuses for it, and if I was to get better, I had to drop that toughness and get vulnerable. The prospect of that terrified me, but the thought of totally becoming consumed by the way I was living terrified me even more.

Getting vulnerable, I thought was a form of weakness, at the beginning, it was something that frightened me, as someone who had lived as a tough girl for most of her life. Letting that armor go and standing in my truth wasn’t easy. But as I did it, as I let each piece of that armor go, and stood tall, I found my strength. It took time, and a lot of work, but living in rigorous honesty helped me to build that strength, and in time living in and speaking my truth is what gave my strength, and still does. My vulnerability, and learning to be vulnerable, gave me strength, and still does, because I learned in my vulnerability that I was OK, just as I was, that I was not my past, and that I had the power to change my story, there was strength in that. Strength, to me, is owning who you are, of not caring what others might think if you share your truth, of standing up for what you believe in, and who you believe in, and not being afraid to love. My strength is loving, kind, compassionate, supportive, inclusive and open, it’s always changing and growing because I make sure I remain teachable, and allow new things and possibilities into my life, I find my strength in all of these things, as well as a relationship in something bigger myself, something I tap into for guidance, and, more strength. But for all of that to grow, I need to remain vulnerable. It is our vulnerability that gives us strength, it allows us to connect with others and to ourselves. It teaches us that we are enough and what we have can help others if we share our truth with them.

I am proud of my strength today, and don’t miss that old armor I used to wear and carried around. That armor never did protect me, it stopped me from becoming the strong woman I am today. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you consider yourself tough or strong? When you think of your toughness, what does that mean to you? Do you feel like it’s a good thing? Do you see how it could be hurting you? How do you feel about being vulnerable? Have you been vulnerable in the past? What was the result? How did you feel? Did you choose the right person or people to get vulnerable with? Do you see how letting yourself be vulnerable could gather strength? Can you write about a time you were vulnerable with someone you felt strong as a result? What does strength mean to you? Do you feel you are strong? How so? How did you get your strength? SLAYER, let go of the past, of your fears, and let yourself speak your truth, stand in your truth, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, it just may be the strongest thing you do as you discover your own strength.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you