patterns

Black and white image of a woman lying awake in bed, reflecting on the difference between someone’s promises and their repeated behavior.

Slay Say

Patterns Tell the Truth

We tend to give words a lot of power.

Someone tells us they care.

They promise they’ll change.

They say they’ll show up next time.

They explain why this time was different.

They assure us that what happened isn’t really who they are.

And sometimes we want so badly to believe what we’re hearing that we allow the words to carry more weight than everything we’ve actually experienced.

Words matter.

Intentions matter.

Apologies matter.

But none of them exist in a vacuum.

Eventually, they have to meet behavior.

Because anyone can tell you what they value.

The question is whether they live according to those values when it’s inconvenient.

Anyone can promise to be there.

The question is whether they consistently show up.

Anyone can say they respect your boundaries.

The question is what happens when your boundary prevents them from getting what they want.

Anyone can apologize.

The question is whether the behavior that required the apology keeps happening.

This doesn’t mean judging someone by one bad day or one poor decision.

We are all capable of getting it wrong.

We disappoint people.

We react badly.

We say things we wish we could take back.

We make choices that don’t represent who we want to be.

A single mistake can be just that.

A mistake.

But repetition gives us different information.

When the same behavior keeps appearing, the same boundary keeps being crossed, the same promise keeps being broken, or the same apology keeps following the same action, you’re no longer looking at an isolated moment.

You’re looking at a pattern.

And patterns deserve your attention.

Sometimes we ignore them because the explanation sounds reasonable.

They were stressed.

They were scared.

They’ve been through a lot.

They didn’t mean it that way.

They’re working on themselves.

Maybe all of that is true.

Understanding why someone behaves a certain way can give us compassion for them.

It doesn’t require us to pretend their behavior isn’t affecting us.

There is an important difference between understanding someone and trusting them.

Understanding can come from knowing their story.

Trust has to come from experiencing their consistency.

And that takes time.

It’s also worth noticing the good patterns.

The person who quietly keeps their word.

The friend who checks in without being asked.

The partner whose actions make you feel secure without constantly having to reassure you that you should.

The person who respects your no even when they wanted a yes.

The one whose behavior consistently matches what they say matters to them.

Those patterns are information too.

We sometimes spend so much energy analyzing what people mean that we overlook what they repeatedly show us.

You don’t have to become suspicious of everyone.

You don’t have to assume every promise is empty or every mistake is evidence of someone’s character.

You simply have to let time provide information that words alone cannot.

Listen to what people tell you.

Then watch what they do.

When those two things consistently agree, trust has somewhere to grow.

And when they consistently don’t, you don’t have to keep choosing the version of someone described by their words over the version you keep experiencing.

This is your reminder:

Believe change when you can see it in the pattern, not just hear it in the promise.

Slay on.

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Negative thoughts don’t protect you, they make you smaller.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Believing Negative Thoughts

Cherishing Our Character Defects

When I stepped on this path I was encouraged to write down what I thought were my character defects. Defects? That seemed harsh. I mean, clearly, there were some things that weren’t working in my life, after all, I had gotten myself to a place where I could no longer find a way out on my own, but defects, let me digest that for a moment. When I looked up the definition it said that a character defect was a fault, failing, weakness, I didn’t like that one, flaw, shortcoming and inadequacy, it implies moral and psychological failings, yikes! It took me a while to wrap my head around, what I considered, harsh language, and yet, on the flip side, the words I would have used to describe myself at that moment in my life would have been far harsher than those. Outside of just my ego not wanting to admit I had character defects that there preventing me from having the life I would like, it was realizing that many of them, I may have grown fond of, and, may not be willing to let them go.

We all have behaviors, things we do, that we may realize are probably not the best, but we’ve been using them for so long that they feel comfortable to us, or, we practice them out of habit, not even realizing we’re using them. So the first step for me to making a list of things I use or did that ultimately harmed me, or stood in my way of freedom, was to recognize them for what they were. I started out with pen in hand and began writing down what I thought were bad qualities, still thinking of myself as a horrible person, that pen starting flying across the page as I feverishly started to purge what I thought were the worst of my worst defects. And as I wrote, my ego tried to take some of them back as helpful or tools I needed to protect myself, or keep others in line, that’s where I had to get honest. See, I found myself in a place of complete darkness and despair because my ego and negative thinking had been running the show, I had used those defects to get me right where I was, which was total emptiness, so I had to let go of anything that was not going to contribute to my greater good, every one of them had to go. It helped that I was told to write the positive attribute next to each defect I had written down, that way when I caught myself falling back on old behavior I had a quick reference to the opposite behavior to combat the negative. And I wish I could say that just that alone wiped them all out, it didn’t, I still struggle with some today, 14 years later, but, the point is to be willing to let them go, or change, and focus on practicing contrary action, finding a positive attribute to replace the one that is not working for me, and retraining myself to not romanticize the negative into something I need or want.

We all have things we may know hold us back, keep us from moving forward or build a wall between us or others. We may feel these things are our friends and keep us safe and out of harm’s way, but really they themselves are harming us by not allowing us to engage with others and be our best selves. Look at your behaviors and patterns for what they are, not what you want them to be, and be willing to let the ones go that are holding you back from where you are meant to be. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you recognize behaviors or patterns in your life that would be labeled as a character defect? What are they? Do you hold on to them knowing you should let them go? Why? What stops you from letting them go? Do you romanticize them? How does this hurt you? How have they prevented you from receiving what you would like in your life? What can you do to change that? Write down the character defects or flaws you see in yourself, not to beat yourself up, to use a tool to change, and next to each one write the positive attribute to the negative, then you have a path to removing the negative and focusing on the positive. It takes work and a willingness to change, but it’s worth it when you begin to make better choices that reflect the light within you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Forgive yourself as many times as it takes to find peace.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Forgive Yourself Didn't Know

You Can Forgive Yourself Now

When I was newly on my path I was asked to write down all the people that had harmed me, I, being in victim mode at the time, vigorously got to work, this was my chance, I thought, to point out how I had been wronged and getting it all down on paper was going to justify the place where I had found myself. When I was done I read it out loud, feeling good about my list and all of those on it, now the truth was going to come out I thought. When I was done the question was asked of me, why aren’t you on the list? The comment was made, you should be at the top of your list, you did the most damage to yourself. That hit me like a ton of bricks. What? Had this person not just heard my list of dastardly people who had all such horrible things to me? What did I have to do with that? Well, as it turns out, a lot. I had spent so much time playing the victim that I had totally lost sight that I played a role in most of what I was angrily carrying around. In fact, unless we are children, or the victim of a random crime, we always have a part. Taking responsibility for that part seemed like a daunting task.

For me, I had to tackle it as a fact-finding mission. What were the patterns of my past? And, boy where they there. When I saw it all on paper it was very obvious where my behavior was wrong time and time again. But instead of beating myself up for it, I had to learn to forgive myself and move on. It was pointed out to me that for most of my wrongdoing I did not know better, and for the times I did, I was doing the best I could at that time, not to make excuses for my behavior, but to find a way to not resent myself for it. We all can only do what we can with the tools we have, and if we don’t have the right tools, or any, we can’t fault ourselves for past decisions. Even if we do have the right tools, that doesn’t always mean we’ll use them, or use them in the right way. This is where forgiveness comes into play. Learning to forgive yourself is an integral part of self-love, of having healthy relationships in your life and to stop repeating the past. When we learn from our past, forgive ourselves for what may have gone wrong, we can let it go and move past it. And when we love ourselves we stop doing things and associating with people who don’t honor that love. Forgiveness is the key to all of those things we want and when we don’t understand why we don’t.

Learning to forgive ourselves may be the most difficult thing we do, especially for those of us that have carried that guilt and self-hatred around like a badge of honor. Let it go, let it all go and forgive yourself, and make part of that forgiveness a living amends to yourself by not repeating the past, by learning from those mistakes or events that you carried guilt around for, vow to work to not repeat those same mistakes, and even if you do, use that as a learning moment and move on. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, allow yourself to make them and forgive yourself for the ones of your past. In doing so, you will open the door to your own freedom. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you harbor a lot of shame, guilt or self-hatred towards yourself for your past? If so, how do you do this? How does this harm you? Why do you do this? Do you point fingers at others and have a difficult time seeing your part in these relationships or events? Why do you think that is? What if you looked for your part? When we look at our past it allows us to see the patterns of our behaviors, to see where we keep making the same choices that are getting us results we don’t want. Use those old mistakes as a learning tool and forgive yourself for the choices of your past, turning those old tools that did not work into ones that do.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Make Room For Today

I used to live in could’ve, would’ve, should’ve, might’ve. I would get stuck in the past and replaying it over and over, reliving a moment and what I should’ve done, should’ve said or could’ve done better. I was constantly pulled back to my past, or daydreaming of the future and would might be, while present moments slipped by. What I didn’t realize is that in the present moments were chances to do the would’ve, could’ve, should’ve, might’ve actions, but I was missing them because I was living in the past, or, future surfing into what hadn’t even happened yet. Life gives us opportunities to do the could’ve, would’ve, should’ve, might’ves if we are able to spot them as they come up. When we get stuck in the past we stay there, missing those opportunities the universe is giving us to do the things we wished we had done differently.

For me, I did this constantly, but I also used it was a way to not take action in my present life. I would stay in the past, thinking, in hind-sight, I was so smart to see how I should’ve done things, but not allowing myself to see that those same situations were coming up and giving me a chance to implement those “great ideas” I had, because the truth is, I didn’t want to change, I didn’t want to do the work and take the right action, it was easier to keep doing what I had always done, get the same results, and then talk about how it should have been done. But that behavior kept me in the dark, it kept me isolated from people and it kept me sick. And wishing, on bad days, that things would change, wasn’t ever going to change anything, I needed to change and I needed to make positive changes in my behavior and actions in the present to secure that life I wanted moving forward. Those changes took a lot of humility. I had to first admit my faults, and admit that I had kept myself from moving on, moving forward and growing, I had let my ego run the show and because I was at fault, the only place it could take me where I could feel superior was the past.

Today I live in the now. I do use the past to help me today, to show me right from wrong, where I can do better, but I don’t live there. Only by living in the now can I stop myself from bending backwards to my past or tip-toeing into the future, and only in the now can I take action for today and set myself up for better choices in the future. Living in the now also stops me from trying to take on things I have no control of, or from trying to take on too much, the whole picture, when all I really have is today. Many times before walking this path I would get so overwhelmed with everything I had to do that I would never actually start, but when I look at what’s in front of me, in the moment, I can break things down into what’s important, what I can do right now and work my way through that list, and before I know it, I’ve made progress. That way of life helps me to keep balance.

Make sure to make room for today. It’s great to learn from the past, but don’t live there, if you do, you may just miss those opportunities to right those wrongs that pull you back and you may hold yourself back from where you are meant to be. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find that you get pulled back into your past? Are there specific times or events that you go to? Is there something you can change about those times or events? What can you take away or learn from them that you can apply to your life today? Do you think that there may have been opportunities to change patterns in your life based on your past experiences, but because you’re stuck in the past you’ve missed those opportunities in the present? What can you do to live in the now today? How can you look for situations that may have come up in your past that you now have a chance to make right, or make better decisions? Look for the those moments SLAYER, to use what you’ve learned from your past to take positive action today, in your present, and set yourself up for a brighter future.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Never, Never Again

There were so many times in my life, before walking this path, that I would say never again. And yet, I would repeat those same behaviors over and over, even the ones I knew were self-destructive and were taking down an even darker road than I was already on. My attitude, always, was, well if I’ve already messed up this little bit I might as go whole hog and hit the “f*ck it button.” There was no middle ground, I was either doing great, or down in the dumps, I gave myself no room for anything in between. Living within those tight parameters I was setting myself up to fail, most of the time, and truthfully that’s where my head wanted me, to constantly be failing so I would increasingly get worse and think there was no way out. But there was.

When I finally fell to my knees and was able ask for help, I was told it takes time to break old habits and to begin a new way of life, and that even if I made mistakes, or failed in my opinion, that was part of the recovery process. That I had to wrap my head around. Failure was part of the process? Well, the truth was, it wasn’t really “failure,” it was all just part of the process, something I had to learn as I fell and got back up again. I also learned that those falls were where I learned the most, so they, for me, were an essential part of the process. I had to find comfortabililty in the gray areas between what I viewed as “right” or “wrong.” Being OK in the gray wasn’t easy at first because the minute I wasn’t perfect at this new way of life and slipped back into old behaviors or patterns, that negative bullshit committee in my head would pipe up and say, “see, you can’t do it!” In fact, they would scream it. And, I had to learn to say, “you’re lying, I can, watch me.”

Change takes time. It takes of trying, over and over again, until it becomes less effort. Until it becomes a part of who you are and not something you have to think about anymore. You are going to fail, or fall, or make mistakes, that’s part of making changes, but the important thing is to not give up, to keep going, to do better next time, or try again. Don’t put those parameters on yourself and say never again, you may do it again, you may do it many times before you stop doing it, and even when you stop doing it, you may do it another time. Allow yourself to have some wiggle room, to be in the gray space in between, where you’re trying your best, and that’s good enough, it is actually more than good enough. It was pointed out to me in my early journey that I had done things the old way much longer than I had the new way, so it wasn’t fair to beat myself for falling back to what I knew or once did, but I always had the chance to do it better the next time. And that’s what I did. It’s been over 13 years now and sometimes I can still fall back, but I know now that when I do it’s just a moment and it’s not who I am today, and maybe I fall back from time to time to remind myself where I don’t want to fall back to, and that’s OK, because today I know the right choices for me and what I need to do to live this life I’ve worked so hard for, a slip from time to time isn’t the end of the world, it’s just part of the process.

Allow yourself to make mistakes, and when you do, never say never again, say, I’ll do better next time, or I’ll try to, or, I did my best today. No one is perfect, and embracing those times we may fall back, and learning to look at them as learning opportunities rather than failures is the mindset that will get us to the place we’re working so hard for, I know, because I got there, and I know you can too. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like you’ve failed if you fall back on old behaviors? Do you beat yourself up for it? Do you set strict parameters for yourself that you can’t possibly live within to grow and learn naturally? Why do you think you do this? How do you think you can ease those parameters to let yourself grow and make mistakes as part of your process and journey? What do you think will happen if you do? Let yourself live in the gray area sometimes, let go of the restrictions of right or wrong and let yourself find your way, always striving to do better the next time if you haven’t made the best choice in the moment, let yourself find the right way and not beat yourself up for the mistakes along the way, those mistakes might just be what’s guiding you to the right choice the next time.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Are You Going To Get In The Car, Or Watch It Go By?

Everyday we have a choice. Choices. We have the power to choose each day whether we are going to engage with each person we encounter or not. It’s our choice. No one can force us. We always have the power to walk away, or, not get in the car and watch it go by.

Before stepping on this path I didn’t realize I had a choice. I felt compelled to always get in the car, to always engage. I had this fire inside of me and a need to be right, even when I knew I was wrong. In fact, I sometimes engaged with even more passion when I knew I was wrong, to see if I could convince you otherwise. It was part of my sickness. Having to be right. I felt like I had to and it took a lot of work to sit on my hands and to stop that behavior. Like many things on this path it was about breaking patterns, old behaviors that no longer suited me, or ones that never did. My need to be right, to fight, was really a deflection for me feeling less than. I didn’t feel good about myself so to prove to everyone else that I had worth, and to myself, I would engage, fight, argue, just to prove a point. But all it really did was chip away at my own self, it didn’t give me confidence, it didn’t give me worth, it always had me in a state of agitation and self-righteousness. I was never going to find peace there.

When I stepped on this path, I was working very closely with a woman, someone who understood my journey, as she had walked it years before me, and still was, and she would ask me, when I would talk about an argument I had gotten in or a heated debate, “do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” And when I was new to this life I would always say, “both,” or “being right does make me happy.” But it didn’t really. It might for a moment or two, and then I was off looking for the next battle, or car to get into. I remember very distinctly the first time I didn’t. Someone was baiting me to engage with them and I stopped, paused and excused myself. I walked out the door, shut it behind me and paused, I thought to myself, you just broke the pattern, just now, you stopped yourself. Tears welled up in my eyes because in that moment I knew I was going to be OK, that I had it in me to get better, to change and become the woman I had always wanted to be.

When we consciously make the choice to change, and make better choices for ourselves our lives get better. Easier. With less conflict. Drama. We always have the power to walk away, to not engage with those individuals who are looking for conflict, or the old you, you don’t have to play along, you can do what’s best for you and let that car go by, and let go of old ideas that used to shackle you to having to be right, or make sure your opinion is known, sometimes you can say a lot more by not saying anything at all, and in doing so, get your power back as that car speeds away down the road. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel compelled to always be right? Or to engage with everyone who crosses your path? Do you go looking for conflict? Why do you think you do this? What do you think will happen if you stop? Do you feel the need to always be right? Why do you think that is? How do you feel when you’re right? How do you feel when you’re wrong? Why does it matter to you one way or the other? What if you just didn’t engage? What do you think would happen? Who would you feel? What patterns in your life would you like to change? How can you go about changing them? Write down the behaviors you have that don’t serve you, cause you pain or unrest. The next time one of these comes up, pause, take a breath and let it go, don’t engage, just excuse yourself and walk away, you’ll be surprised SLAYER just how freeing it is, and just how right taking that right action will make you feel.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

When You Have The Understanding, You No Longer Need The Experience

Before I started to walk in this path I was often heard saying, “why do these things always happen to me,” I felt like I was in the movie GROUNDHOG DAY, always seeming to find my way in similar places and problems and not understanding how I kept getting there. Well, I kept finding myself in the same situations because I hadn’t grasped the understanding of how I kept getting there, or how to get myself out.

The universe will keep sending us the same people, places and things until we learn what we’re supposed to learn from them. And sometimes, it can send us the same things wrapped in a different package, just to make sure we got it. I’ve found, in my life, that happens with different types of people, they may look different, but the nice package is just wrapping up the same gift, and it’s up to me to get past the pretty wrapping to see that it’s already something I’ve sent back.

In a way, now, I look at the moments when I kept asking why my gift. It was a gift that I recognized the same situations or type of people kept popping into my life, but it was about taking the right action and using that gift to my advantage. Now when it happens, I know right away, and I know what I have to do, because I’ve done it before. Identifying the patterns of life, or our patterns, is where we want to be, because when we notice any kind of negativity popping up, we can do something about it. As I always say, when “bad” things happen, it’s really just information, life is showing us what we’re supposed to see and do, and so when it does, we need to take action in a way that’s loving to ourselves and that honors us.

I’ve found that once I make the change in my behavior, or correct my actions from the past, those situations no longer pop up in my life. It goes back to my blog “Level Up,” we move up to the next level, as it were, because the universe believes we are ready for the next chapter and what’s to come. Sometimes that can be frustrating, like life is always testing us, challenging us, by throwing obstacles in our way, and, making life harder than it needs to be, but, those tests and challenges make us who we are, they give us stamina, strength, and the courage to keep moving forward and challenging ourselves even m ore. It’s those victories that propel us to where we are supposed to go next. It’s those victories that become our foundation from which we can continue to grow.

There is a plan for us, we may not know what it is, and many times, might not understand what path we’re on, but nothing happens in life by mistake, even the mistakes, it’s all designed to get us where we’re supposed to go and be who we’re supposed to be, so the sooner we stop fighting that, fighting for our own way, fighting to have things done when we want them, the sooner life will start to roll out the way it’s supposed to, and the sooner we’ll have piece of mind from not fighting it. It goes back to finding a healthy dose of faith, faith that the universe has your back and wants the best for you, faith that you can handle whatever comes your way, and faith that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Trust the journey SLAYER, let go and look for understanding in the places you find yourself, as soon as you do, you may have earned yourself a way out of having to relive that situation again. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you often find yourself in similar situations? Do you feel like you are a victim of these situations? Do you see the patterns of your own decisions or actions that have gotten you there? What can you do to stop yourself from getting there again? What do those patterns teach you? What patterns of your past have you stopped or changed? How did you do that? What patterns would you like to change? How can you start to do that? You can SLAYER, you can choose to look at the people, places and things that you don’t like and change those patterns in your life, you can make different choices, better choices, more loving choices, and, you can say goodbye to those things that no longer serve you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYERS! The most important thing in life is to remain teachable.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay New To Learn