pain

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Trust the plan not the pain. 

New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Close your eyes, clear your heart, let it go.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!
Prisoner

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! One reason people resist pain is because they focus on what they have to give up, not what they’re going to gain.
New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!
State Of Slay HOPE, Pain Ends

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Pain is real, but so is hope.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Pain Power

Hurt People Hurt People

I was reminded of this in a conversation yesterday, and remembered myself, it really resonated because I was once one of those hurt people who hurt people. I didn’t always intend to hurt people, and then other times, I did. When we are suffering, in pain, or mentally not at our best, our hurt trickles into every relationship and every interaction we have. Many times we tell ourselves that we are only hurting ourselves, but that is not true. Our actions affect everyone around us, even if it’s only for a few minutes. We all are responsible for what we say and do, and the energy we put out to those around us. As an adult, it is not OK to hide behind an event from our past or make excuses for behaving in a way that harms others. We all have a choice of how we act, react and respond to our set of circumstances and where we find ourselves. But realizing that the people who hurt are hurting themselves also gives us some perspective of what may be happening for someone who hurts us, and the realization that their hurt has nothing to do with us.

Walking in the dark for most of my life I walked with a lot of hurt, and I carried that hurt alone because I was not able to share my truth with others, as a result, it grew, it had power over me and as a result, I believed the lies it told me. I lived in fear, every day, and I didn’t trust anyone, so I was always looking for people to hurt me, and as a countermeasure, I would hurt back, or hurt before I could be hurt. This way of life left me feeling more and more isolated and guilty for hurting those I cared about. But the sick part of me loved this behavior, more I did it the more I was proud of it, I excused it away by saying it was my shield of armor, that it protected me, but what it was really doing was keeping me sick and far from those who cared about me. It also skewed my people picker, it clouded my vision of who was good for me and who I should invite into my life, I began to invite people in who might hurt me because that’s what I thought I deserved, or it gave me an easy target to hurt when I felt compelled to do so, or, I thought I would teach them a lesson. It wasn’t until I surrendered and asked for help, and began this new way of life I live today that I realized all of the damage I had done to others, and to myself. Once I was able to clean up my side of the street and find acceptance and forgiveness for myself I was able to humbly go and make any repairs I could to those I had harmed, and each of those experiences for me were steps that helped me grow and demonstrated to me the power of our words and actions. And now, having lived my life in the light I have been able to find compassion for those, who, like myself in the past, hurt others, I don’t give them a free pass because of it, but I am able to understand where they might be coming from as a way to maybe connect to them through the pain I once lived in, rather than judging them and condemning them for it. Just like when we were kids, that bully in the playground is actually one the lowest self-esteem and likely in the most pain, it’s no different out in the world today, as adults we can do the same thing to mask our hurt.

Whether you are the individual who is hurt, or have been hurt by someone who is hurt, we have the responsibility to take care of ourselves and to behave in a way that does not harm others. There is no excuse to purposely harm someone else no matter how much pain we may be in, or what harm was done to us, we only create more hurt when we do, and, we hurt our own spirit in the process. Stop the cycle of hurt, whether it be to ourselves or those around us, and start to be a part of the solution. Spread love, compassion, understanding rather than hurt and see how that turns your own hurt around. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let your hurt hurt others? How has your hurt hurt others in the past? How does it today? Do you use your hurt to justify hurting others? How do you do this? How does that make you feel? How would you rather feel? What is your hurt based on? Is that hurt valid in your life today or is it a hurt from your past that you should let go? What keeps you holding on? How does that hurt you today? Has your hurt allowed you to recognize the hurt in others? Does it allow you to find compassion for them? Does it allow you to connect with them? Does that connection diminish your own hurt? Find the root of your hurt and focus on healing that hurt, our hurt doesn’t go away by causing others to hurt, it just makes more hurt. Let go of what hurt you and turn that energy into healing energy, for yourself, and those who may be hurting around you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Accountability turns pain into peace.

New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Dignity Reward

Even Though You Might Not See It, Things Are Changing

I was speaking with a friend yesterday who has been going through a difficult time as she recovers from a trauma. She felt discouraged at her progress, and didn’t feel like she was moving forward fast enough. She had been feeling disconnected from her friends and family and had been afraid to leave her house. I was grateful that we had made a plan to meet up and she was able to join in on a group discussion with friends.

I related a lot to how she is feeling. When I started my journey in recovery I started out feeling great, like a weight had been lifted off of me, just admitting I had a problem and making a commitment to seek treatment for that problem set me off on a high I hadn’t ever felt. I rode that high for a while until one day I fell flat. I was told it was common for this to happen, and then there it was, happening to me. I felt let down, scared and confused. I was working so hard to better myself and get well, so why did I feel this way?

For me, one reason why is that I had taken away all of the crutches I had used in the past to get through the day. I couldn’t rely on any of things that I had and felt like I was standing out, exposed and alone with an empty tool box, not sure how to navigate through these new waters, but I knew I had to hang in there and learn new ways, healthier ways, to deal with this new life, and my fears and insecurities. And as time went on I did learn new ways, and I started to fill up my tool box with better tools. I started to live this new way of life and feeling good about it, and then, that’s when the anger set in. At first it confused me. Why was I feeling angry when I was doing so many things that were good for me, and was making progress in leaving my old destructive habits behind? Well, the truth was, and it took me a while back then to realize it, is that now that I had taken all the distractions away I was now left with the actual problems, not just the ways I used to hide or cope with them, those issues were much bigger than what I thought the problem was. It was during this time I had to dig deep into what I had already learned and lean into the support around me, things had gotten really real.

I remember feeling like my friend yesterday, feeling like the pain was insurmountable, that it was never going to go away and that it was taking too long to work through. There were many days I felt defeated, or that there may be no hope, but I was encouraged to keep going, that the change was happening, I just wasn’t seeing it yet.

You can’t put at timeline on change. Especially when it comes to those deep rooted traumas we may have suffered. It will take the time it does to get through it, and, it may be a lifelong journey to walk through it with grace. For me, the toughest parts have past, but there are days when it flairs back up again and slaps me in the face. Old wounds are like onions, they have many layers, and I now know to expect that there will be times, and typically unexpected ones, where another layer will peel away to reveal another piece of the trauma that I will need to deal with. But having the ability to look back at where I started, much has changed, and most of that anger and resentment has been long gone because of the work I did early in my recovery. We tend to see the change in ourselves last, everyone else has a clearer sense of where we are because we are living it, and are hoping and expecting it to dissipate at a speed of our choosing, but it will when we are ready and when the work has been done.

As I said to my friend yesterday, find some comfortableness in your uncomfortablenss, an impossible sounding task I know, but when I was able to find some comfort in that place my journey to the other side it became easier, less tortured, it was still difficult, but I found some acceptance there until I was able to reach the other side.

When you’re doing the work to better yourself and to get well, there are changes every day, some may be smaller than others, but they’re there, and even if they’re all small, when they’re added up, they make some pretty big changes. Trust the path you are on, and keep moving forward, even if it’s only an inch at a time, one day you’ll look back and see just how far you’ve come. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you going through a difficult time? How so? What are you working on or through? What have you been doing to work through it? Looking back at where you started, what has changed? What would you like to see change? How can you go about achieving that change? If you don’t know, who can you go to to assist you in this change? You are capable of anything, as long as you continue to move forward, to work as hard as you can and as honestly as you can each day, knowing that the days will ebb and flow, some days will be easier than others, but if you keep going, and trusting you are where you are for a reason, you will find some peace on the other side. I speak from experience, and I am here in that place waiting for you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Are You On Your Resentment List?

When I was on the path of recovery I was told to make a list of all the people who I thought had harmed me. I vigorously started writing. When I was asked to read it aloud, I was asked why I wasn’t on that list. I stopped and thought about that. I wanted to point the finger at everyone else for the pain and anger I felt, but when I thought about it honestly, no one had caused me more pain than myself, and I had a lot of anger toward myself for not being good enough, in my eyes, so why was I so quick to point the finger elsewhere? It was part of my sickness, that part that uses other things to distract me from what’s really going on. My disease wants to me think everyone else is to blame, because as long as I am pointing the finger outward I’m not going to look inward for a solution. On the flip-side, I also couldn’t focus on myself on that resentment list as a way to bash myself further. I had to find a way to use it to heal and to be accountable for my own actions.

I had always resented myself. In my eyes, I had always failed at being who I wanted to be or thought I should be. I never measured up in my eyes. I spent my life with almost unattainable expectations of myself and when I didn’t meet them I would mentally and verbally beat myself up. I not only resented myself, I hated myself for most of my life. But you would never know it. Outside of some self-deprecating comments, I put on a brave face and an air of “I’m fine,” while I was slowing rotting from the inside from my self-hatred. I talk about “my disease,” it wasn’t until I sought out help that I realized I had one, mental illness is cunning and it hid itself in my life from as far back as I can remember. Learning that I had an illness helped me to find some understanding, and eventually some acceptance and forgiveness for myself. It also helped me to find some new tools to live a life that I can be proud of, and one where I would take responsibility for my actions, instead of pointing my finger elsewhere. I don’t resent myself today, nor do I resent those other people who were on my list back then, because I know that for the most part, I played a part in those relationships, circumstances or altercations I was so upset about, and for those I had no part in, I could see that those people were, and are, fighting their own sicknesses and illnesses, and I can, today, find some compassion there, and in some cases, even relate to their struggle.

Beating ourselves up for past mistakes, or for being less than what we think we should be doesn’t make things any better, it never will, all it will do is keep us down, keep us sick, and keep us from reaching our full potential. Learning to love ourselves is the greatest gift we can offer to our heart and our spirit, finding those things we love about ourselves and celebrating that, not what we don’t like. Find more of what you do like, find the good in you and what makes you you, what makes you special, and you are special SLAYER, we all are in our own way, reach deep inside and find the light that is your special light and let it shine, not only out in the world to share with others, but shine it back at you and heal your hurt. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you resent yourself? If so, why? Do you have resentments towards others? Why? What, within those resentments, did you play a part in? If you had no part, can you identify the sickness in those people that may have caused them to act a certain way? Has an illness affected the way you’ve acted, is there something you’re struggling with and working to overcome? We all have our own battles SLAYER, it is important to love ourselves through our difficulties and also those around us, to find some understanding of what others may also be struggling with, and to not engage and put ourselves in situations that may harm us, or others, because it’s something we want or are trying to force into happening. Honor yourself, and those around you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Humility Coming From Pain

I know for me, it took a lot of pain before I found any humility, it actually took me getting knocked down to me knees, time and time again, until I finally surrendered. Up until that point, I thought I knew better, knew what was best for me, and usually, what was best for you too. My ego kept me sick, and it kept me from having meaningful honest relationships in my life. I was never going to find or see a solution when my ego was running the show, and it was my ego that nearly cost me my life. Humility is where we’re teachable, it’s where the light comes in and the healing can start. It’s that place where we give ourselves permission to ask for help, and where we find the willingness to do the work to find peace. Why do we put ourselves through so much pain until we are able to find humility?

I used to think that humility meant weakness. That it meant I couldn’t fail or make excuses for myself, that I had to have it all figured out, and be successful in everything I did. Now that is one tall order I was never going to live up to, no one could. And, not at all what humility actually is. I also used to confuse humility with self-deprecation. I would tell myself I was being humble but really just putting myself down or not taking credit for a compliment or appreciation of a job well done. That was as close to humility as I ever got, self-abuse to beat my ego down for a moment before it inflated back up to it’s super-sized proportion.

When set out on a path of recovery, I was told I needed to stay right-sized. That struggle inside of me of thinking I knew everything but that I was also a piece if crap didn’t know what to do with that. What size was right? I needed to find some humility and figure it out.

The first step of humility for me was asking for help. A phone call that opened the door, and it was from that step that I was able to find some humility from there, but it took some work to get my ego “right-sized” and admit that not only did I not know everything, I probably knew very little. In fact, considering where I found myself, I probably didn’t know much of anything in that moment. That was scary, but also exciting, to know that, if I let myself, I was about to embark on a new way of life that was going to teach me how to live in a healthier happier way. I had to push that ego aside over and over, as being teachable was the most important thing I needed to get better, and still is today. I needed to look at my part of things, and my part was all over the misery and heartache I had felt in my past, and learn to forgive myself and not blame others for my mistakes and choices that had gotten me to that place. I had to learn what true humility was, and I had to learn that when I let my ego run the show again that the only result was pain, pain that would eventually bring me back to humility.

We don’t have to wait for pain to push us to humility, but for many of us that’s what it takes. Sometimes a lot of pain. I am grateful that I was able to endure the pain I was to find my humility, and that I have learned over the years what true humility is and how to use it properly in my life. I know today that we are all important, and what we say, feel and do has the same level of importance and worth, we are all here to contribute and to share who we are and what we are, the best of what we have to offer, but none of us are better than any other, we are all here to learn, to grow, and, to remain teachable, because if we lose that teachability we probably setting ourselves up for more pain. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Has pain lead you to humility in your life? How so? What pain of you caused yourself with your lack of humility? Do you consider humility a bad thing? Why is that? How have you seen humility be a positive attribute in your life or the life of others? What can you do to find more humility in your life? No human being knows everything, and what we do know is limited to our perspective and experience, it is important to always remain open to new ideas and concepts, as well as the knowledge that there the world is much bigger than what we see everyday. We all have a great contribution to make, to share our best selves, but no one’s contribution is better than anyone else’s if it comes from your true self and shared from our heart.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Losing Touch With Who You Used To Be

I’m often reminded of who I used to be. Gratefully, I get many chances to share my story of where I came from with people like myself, who are on this same path, or just beginning their journey, and it’s in sharing what I used to be like that I realize how far away I am from the woman I was. I am relieved, as she was in a lot of pain and suffered a lot at by her own hand, but she’s still a part of me and the reason I work each day to keep her in the past.

It’s important to remember where we’ve come from, how much we’ve changed, and the work it’s taken to get where we are right now, and the more we focus on the good, on this moment, the here and now, the more we let go our painful past and those parts of us we had to let go to get to this place. It feels good to feel so far away from who I used to be, but I’m also reminded that if I don’t take care of myself, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, that woman, from the past starts to creep back into the present. She’ll never go away, and there’s a part of me that knows it’s important that she doesn’t, so I don’t forget the woman I’ve worked so hard to leave behind. But the more I live as my true self, the me of today, the more I let go of her and lose touch with that me and focus on my life today, a life I can be proud of.

When I was in my disease, and who I used to be, I never imagined the me of today was possible, all I saw was darkness and those things I hated about myself. The negative bullshit committee in my head would tell me that my life was never going to get any better and neither was I. Life seemed so bleak, without any light, and I wasn’t so sure I even worthy of the light, and so I kept sliding back into the darkness. I thought, who I was kept me safe, but what it did was kept me isolated and away from a solution. I identified with who I was, I knew her and I suppose, I hid behind her when life felt too overwhelming or I didn’t want to feel what I was feeling. It was hard to let her go, she was the me I had known most of my life, the me I had grown up with and the me I thought I’d always be, but there was a new me waiting on the other side of humility, courage and hope. Slowly, as I began to build who I am today, I let go of who I used to be, and she, over time, melted into the background.

We get to choose who we are, and if we don’t like who we’ve become, we can do the work to change. It may take some help, it certainly did for me, a lot of it, but with love and support from those who were walking the same walk I was on, and some professionals, I was able to let go and let the love surround me until I felt safe, and from that place of safety I was able to change, a little at a time. You can too. It is within our power to lose touch with who we were as we become or focus on who we are meant to be, to let go of old ideas and concepts that no longer serve us, or never did, to forge a new way of life that let’s our heart and soul shine. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Have you lost touch with who you used to be? How have you done that? What have you done to change? Why did you make those changes? How did those changes allow you to let go of the old you? What parts of the old you do you still cling to? Should you let them go? How can you work on letting them go? What are you most proud of today of who you’ve become? Focus on that SLAYER, those qualities that make you you and allow you to be your best self, and keep challenging yourself to find more of those qualities, the more we focus on our positive attributes, the more we find, until soon, we no longer feel the need to hang on to who we used to be.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you