guilt

Hurt People Hurt People

I was reminded of this in a conversation yesterday, and remembered myself, it really resonated because I was once one of those hurt people who hurt people. I didn’t always intend to hurt people, and then other times, I did. When we are suffering, in pain, or mentally not at our best, our hurt trickles into every relationship and every interaction we have. Many times we tell ourselves that we are only hurting ourselves, but that is not true. Our actions affect everyone around us, even if it’s only for a few minutes. We all are responsible for what we say and do, and the energy we put out to those around us. As an adult, it is not OK to hide behind an event from our past or make excuses for behaving in a way that harms others. We all have a choice of how we act, react and respond to our set of circumstances and where we find ourselves. But realizing that the people who hurt are hurting themselves also gives us some perspective of what may be happening for someone who hurts us, and the realization that their hurt has nothing to do with us.

Walking in the dark for most of my life I walked with a lot of hurt, and I carried that hurt alone because I was not able to share my truth with others, as a result, it grew, it had power over me and as a result, I believed the lies it told me. I lived in fear, every day, and I didn’t trust anyone, so I was always looking for people to hurt me, and as a countermeasure, I would hurt back, or hurt before I could be hurt. This way of life left me feeling more and more isolated and guilty for hurting those I cared about. But the sick part of me loved this behavior, more I did it the more I was proud of it, I excused it away by saying it was my shield of armor, that it protected me, but what it was really doing was keeping me sick and far from those who cared about me. It also skewed my people picker, it clouded my vision of who was good for me and who I should invite into my life, I began to invite people in who might hurt me because that’s what I thought I deserved, or it gave me an easy target to hurt when I felt compelled to do so, or, I thought I would teach them a lesson. It wasn’t until I surrendered and asked for help, and began this new way of life I live today that I realized all of the damage I had done to others, and to myself. Once I was able to clean up my side of the street and find acceptance and forgiveness for myself I was able to humbly go and make any repairs I could to those I had harmed, and each of those experiences for me were steps that helped me grow and demonstrated to me the power of our words and actions. And now, having lived my life in the light I have been able to find compassion for those, who, like myself in the past, hurt others, I don’t give them a free pass because of it, but I am able to understand where they might be coming from as a way to maybe connect to them through the pain I once lived in, rather than judging them and condemning them for it. Just like when we were kids, that bully in the playground is actually one the lowest self-esteem and likely in the most pain, it’s no different out in the world today, as adults we can do the same thing to mask our hurt.

Whether you are the individual who is hurt, or have been hurt by someone who is hurt, we have the responsibility to take care of ourselves and to behave in a way that does not harm others. There is no excuse to purposely harm someone else no matter how much pain we may be in, or what harm was done to us, we only create more hurt when we do, and, we hurt our own spirit in the process. Stop the cycle of hurt, whether it be to ourselves or those around us, and start to be a part of the solution. Spread love, compassion, understanding rather than hurt and see how that turns your own hurt around. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let your hurt hurt others? How has your hurt hurt others in the past? How does it today? Do you use your hurt to justify hurting others? How do you do this? How does that make you feel? How would you rather feel? What is your hurt based on? Is that hurt valid in your life today or is it a hurt from your past that you should let go? What keeps you holding on? How does that hurt you today? Has your hurt allowed you to recognize the hurt in others? Does it allow you to find compassion for them? Does it allow you to connect with them? Does that connection diminish your own hurt? Find the root of your hurt and focus on healing that hurt, our hurt doesn’t go away by causing others to hurt, it just makes more hurt. Let go of what hurt you and turn that energy into healing energy, for yourself, and those who may be hurting around you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Guilt Is Trying To Control The Past, Fear Is Trying To Control The Future

All we have control over is the right here and now. And even then, really, we only have control over how we respond to it. Sure, we can take action to work toward a goal, or choose actions that align with our best selves, but control, in the way we often seek it, is an illusion.

When we try to control the uncontrollable, we send ourselves spinning off into a task we cannot complete. Many times, our need or want for control manifests itself in guilt and fear. We feel guilt over what we have done in the past, over words unspoken or actions not taken. We feel fear about what has yet to happen, worrying we won’t do what we should or won’t get what we want. Neither of these places is a healthy place to live.

Instead of pouring energy into trying to control what has already happened or what has yet to come, we should focus on what we can do in this given moment.

The Trap of Guilt and Fear

When I was living in the dark, I spent a lot of time in the past and the future. The present felt lonely and terrifying. Even though I found no real comfort in reliving the past or projecting into the future, it still seemed better than facing where I was.

I spent thousands of hours berating myself over past moments, decisions, and imagined better responses. I sat paralyzed with fear over what might come next. This cycle of guilt and fear kept me sick for years, until finally the present moment became too unbearable to ignore.

Learning to Stay in the Now

It took a lot of courage to sit in the present, to truly listen, to sit still, and to focus only on what was in front of me. It was deeply uncomfortable at first. My anxiety would spike. But I was told to breathe through it, to find some comfort there. It took a lot of breathing, but the breath was the key to walking through my anxious thoughts and learning to stay rooted in the here and now.

Like any new behavior, the more it is practiced, the easier it gets—leaving room for days when it still feels almost impossible. But with willingness, it’s a practice that can be strengthened.

Reflection and Awareness

Today, my mind still wanders back to the past or into the future, but I know I can’t control either. When it happens, I take note of why. Is there unfinished business? Is my mind leaping forward because I’m avoiding something in the present?

I’ve learned that I can’t control life—past, present, or future—but I can control how I respond to it. I can control the actions I take to prepare for what’s to come and the steps I take to stay true to my path today.

The Freedom of Presence

It’s easy to escape the present by dwelling on the past or fretting over the future. But doing so robs us of the moments right in front of us—the ones that deserve our respect and love.

We all have an abundance of choices each day. All we can do is the best we can in each moment. Yes, we may look back and wish we’d done things differently, but instead of guilt, we can use those lessons to guide us. When we implement those lessons in our present day, we free ourselves from unnecessary fear about the future.

All we truly have is right here, right now. The next move is yours to make—choose the one that keeps you grounded.

SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY:

  • Do you tend to live in the past or future?

  • What is the result of that?

  • How does it help you? How does it harm you?

  • What keeps you from living in the present moment?

  • How can you change that?

  • What do you try to control in your life? Are you able to?

  • How does it affect you when you can’t?

  • Do you suffer from guilt or fear? How so?
    SLAYER, the action we can take is in this moment—everything else is out of our hands. Use this moment to do something your future self will thank you for.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Do you find yourself stuck in guilt or fear? How do you bring yourself back to the present moment?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s wrestling with guilt or fear, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Your Bad Behavior Doesn’t Give Me Permission For My Bad Behavior

Some of us never grow out of that playground mentality from our childhood, that if someone hits you, you get to hit them back. I know when I was living in the dark, especially when I was feeling my worst, I would hope someone would act out and invite me to do the same, I’d even go as far as try to incite someone to act out so I could unleash my own bad behavior without guilt. Or at least I thought I was getting off scot-free, but deep down I knew I was baiting someone just so I could act out and take out my anger and frustrations on someone else, and, in the end, it only made me feel worse, because really, as much as I wanted to tell myself I was a bad person, I wasn’t, I was just doing bad things, and, making bad decisions.

When I changed paths, and stepped onto the path I am now, I was told that I had to keep my side of the street clean. My side of the street, at that time, was littered with garbage, so I had to work on cleaning that up, but also not adding anymore junk to what was already there. Feeling vulnerable in this new place I had to be extra vigilant to not try to bait anyone into bad behavior and look for an excuse to exercise mine, and, when I felt baited, retreat, walk away and not engage, which was not always easy, but I knew if I was to find any kind of success and find the happiness I was working for I had to stay away from any traps to fall back into my old ways. I found that I also had to forgive myself for my old behavior and understand why I had chosen to behave the way I had, which, as it turned out, was always self-serving and a way to deflect my feelings from how badly I felt about myself as well as giving me the continued narrative of playing a victim. So, if I needed some extra material to keep telling the story the way I wanted to, I created the opportunities to make that happen. I spent a lot of time masterminding ways to stay sick, so once I turned all that energy toward my own good, things started to change pretty quickly. I also began to notice that when I didn’t participate in my bad behavior I didn’t feel, well, bad. Go figure. And, when I chose to perform esteemable acts, I began to feel good about myself and I didn’t want to go looking for situations that were going to change that. Now, that’s not to say that there haven’t been times that I have engaged and dipped my toe back into those murky waters, and, for a split second, I have gotten that surge of electricity that I used to get when my bad behavior kicks in, but it’s very short-lived, and it’s quickly replaced with shame and guilt, and when I remind myself of that it stops me from engaging the next time.

We all find ourselves in situations when someone is acting out in bad behavior, and we always have a choice to accept their invitation to do the same, or, choose to act in a way that honors ourselves, and them, even if they aren’t doing it themselves. It isn’t always easy to do the right thing, but it’s worth it when we do and don’t allow ourselves to be sucked into someone else’s battle, bad day, or just plain bad behavior. Ask yourself if jumping in the ring of bad behavior is worth how you’ll feel afterwards, in my experience, it never is. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you react and get involved with other people’s bad behavior? How do you do this? How do you feel afterwards? How does this hurt you? Write down an example. How does it challenge relationships in your life? Have you walked away from situations where someone is acting out on their bad behavior? How did you feel after to not have engaged? Write down an example. Do you feel like not engaging makes you weak or a pushover? Why do you think that? It doesn’t SLAYER, it actually makes you the stronger person, to stand up for who you are, to love and honor yourself enough to not put yourself in a negative situation when you don’t belong there. Don’t let someone else’s bad behavior invite you to use yours.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Tell On Yourself So You Can Hear It

Before walking this path I hid a lot of things. And, as my disease progressed so did the list of secrets I was keeping. I was ashamed at how I was living my life and worked hard to keep what was going on from the people in my life, and that required keeping many things to myself, which only added to my shame and guilt. When I decided to get help, I also made the decision to come clean with everyone about what had really been going on. It frightened me, but I couldn’t live under the weight of lies and secrets anymore, and once I had told everyone, I felt the weight of all of it get lifted, I still carried some guilt and shame, but the majority of it was gone, it had been said, it was out in the open, and all I had to focus on from there was getting well.

I was told, early on, how important it was to be honest, with myself and others. I was told that I was only as sick as my secrets. That resonated with me, as I used to think of my secrets as poison to my soul, even thinking about them all these years later I can feel a burning in my throat. And I felt, that when I was keeping a secret from you I was also keeping it from me, burying it deep down so that even I couldn’t see it, but I could feel it, rotting from the inside out. Part of my sickness is a disease of perception. My perception of things isn’t always as they truly are, and my head can skew things to fit a narrative it wants to tell me instead of seeing it for what it really is. Now, that has gotten much better over the years, but it can sometimes still happen, but what really flushes it out is telling on myself. Saying it out loud. Sometimes just the act of verbally saying it can put things back into perspective, and depending on who I am saying it to, they can also share theirs with me. A big part of my recovery has been to be accountable, to myself, and to others, and that leaves no room for secrets. I need to be transparent with those I love, and myself, to make sure my perspective hasn’t gotten me off course and I stay on the path I would like to be on. My ability to be honest is also what is going to keep me well and will give me the best chance when challenges or obstacles come my way. Especially during difficult times, it’s important to be as honest as I am capable of, and after almost 14 years of practice, I have gotten pretty good at telling on myself when I start to hold things back, or, I think I have a great idea that probably isn’t the best choice for me in the long run. If I say it out loud, it loses it’s power over me, and, I can hear truly how it sounds.

Many of us walk around with thoughts, ideas, or things we’ve done that we may not want to share out loud, but when we get in the habit of telling on ourselves we save ourselves from a lot of grief down the road, and maybe, a path that may not be so easy to come from. Be honest, with yourself, and those around you, no matter what speaking your truth is always better than living a life of lies, take it from this reformed liar, the truth will set you free. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you open and honest with yourself, or do you tell yourself stories to make things easier? What do you keep secrets about? Why? What secret are you keeping that may be keeping you sick, or holding you back? What stops you from telling someone? How can you find a way around that? Have you ever told on yourself? What was the secret or thought? How did it help you to say it out loud? What was the result of that? Find it in you to be honest SLAYER, tell on yourself when you are thinking of doing something that may not be in your best interest, or, may harm you, or someone else. No matter what, our well-being is contingent on our ability to be honest.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you cannot change.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!
state-of-slay Emotional Pain

I Don’t Want To Feel What I Feel

I stepped on this path over 13 ½ years ago, and much of what got me to this path was not wanting to feel my feelings. At first it started with not wanting to feel bad, or different, or less than, disappointed, or unsafe, but as my disease grew, and I continued to stuff my feelings down, I got to the point that I didn’t want to feel anything, even the good. The good, toward the end, was worse than the bad, because I didn’t feel like I deserved the good, so when a good feeling crept in it was immediately followed with guilt, and, fear that something bad was going to quickly come because I didn’t deserve to feel good. Much of the work I have done in recovery has focused on feeling my feelings, all feelings, acknowledging them, giving myself permission to have them, and letting them go. It has been many years since I have been challenged the way I am right now with not wanting to feel.

There has been an ongoing issue with a neighbor, a neighbor, ironically, who suffers from mental illness, and appears to be self-medicating with an illegal substance that affects our home and our own mental health greatly. We have tried through different channels to address this situation and it was decided on, through council, that our best option is to remove ourselves from the situation altogether. This, brought up a lot of feelings. And even though I am an advocate for everything I talk about here at State Of Slay™ I am still human and the feelings that came up knocked me off my feet.

I’ve really struggled, this week in particular, and I realized that since dealing with this issue next door, something that has been so upsetting and traumatizing that I may actually have some emotional damage from it, and, alongside that, the feeling of anger, frustration, and grief at having to leave a home we love because of someone else’s illness. Again, I can see the irony in this, as I was once, very much like this person next door, was living inside the darkness of my disease, although, never brought my disease to someone’s front door and into their home the way this person has. And as a result, I’ve  had a really difficult time through this. I struggled in a way I haven’t for a long time and there were moments in my struggle that scared me. And, it’s interesting being so open about mental health and an advocate for self-care and positive thinking, because I almost didn’t give myself permission to feel what I was feeling, and, to not want to feel it. Having been on this path for so long I have many safety nets in place, and, ultimately know what to do to get myself back on track, openly admitting this to someone I love and trust was a big first step and eased a lot of the shame around it, and digging into the foundation I have built has gotten me on stronger footing already, but it was a bit of scary week. I think, also, having this all come during Suicide Prevention Day and this month of awareness also brought up some old feelings and gave my disease a little bit of a soap box to stand on. I am grateful that I know better to listen, but those all too familiar feelings came up, and they felt awful.

My point for sharing this today is that no matter who you are, how far you’ve come, or what you use for voice for out in the world, you are allowed to feel, whatever that may be, and if those feelings bring you to a place that scares you or gives you concern, reach out to someone and share with them, and do the things you need to do to get yourself back to where you feel safe and at your best. Life does has it’s ups and downs, and most of it is beyond our control, accepting life on life’s terms and doing our best to navigate the twists and turns is all we can do, sitting in our hurt, or hate, or anger, and not accepting the truth only hurts us more. Today I will work on seeing the silver lining in all of this, of what I can learn and take away from my pain, and to use it to shine a light for others who may be feeling the same. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you allow yourself to feel your feelings? How do you do that? Do you share how you feel with others? If not, why not? If yes, do you have a circle of friends or people you trust you can be open and honest with? It’s OK to feel, you are entitled to have feelings, but what’s not OK is letting them dictate how your day is, or life is, or your value as a human being. Feelings are great indicators of what is really going on, they are triggered by memories or situations from our past, and can tell us a great deal about where are mental and spiritually. Let yourself feel and then set those feelings free, thanking them for showing you what you needed to see.

S – self  L – love A – appreciate Y – you

We Are All More Than The Worst Thing We’ve Ever Done

When I was living in the dark I was ashamed at the choices I was making and how I was living my life. My disease wanted to keep me sick, and eventually, wanted my life, and it would stop at nothing to keep in a place desperation to stop my pain, a desperation that would cause me to do things I wouldn’t normally do to try to find peace. As a result I was embarrassed by my actions, what I was saying and doing just to get by each day, I knew that’s not who I was, but I just wanted numb myself any way possible so I wouldn’t feel. When I made the commitment to seek treatment I knew I was going to have to face my past behavior and choices, I didn’t know how I was going to do that when I already had so much self-hatred, but I was told I didn’t have to do it alone.

I remember sitting with someone who was walking with me on my journey, it was suggested that I write down the things I was ashamed of, I was told that whatever I held back, whatever secrets I may hide, those things would keep me sick. I remember feeling nervous to share those things with someone I had grown to trust, and, had started to admire. I thought, truthfully, that after I told her everything she would never want to talk to me again, and I actually started the meeting by saying how much I had appreciated her help thus far but would understand if she never wanted to talk to me again after I say what I needed to say. She just smiled at me. The truth is, we’ve all done things we’re not proud of, each and every one of us, there isn’t anyone that at one time or another hasn’t maybe told a lie, cheated, or bent the rules, tried to manipulate a favorable outcome for ourselves, or not have been accountable for their actions. So when I shared my worst, she smiled, and either said, me too, or shared what she had done. I realized in that moment that all of those things I carried around, dragged behind me like a weighted ball and chain, were me just punishing myself, or, giving myself too much self-importance. There was nothing in what I disclosed that was shocking to this person, and nothing that caused her to not want to see or talk to me again, in fact, our relationship got stronger as we now had a commonality of where we had come from, and we connected in our strength of where we wanted to go.

Just because we may have done some bad things, doesn’t make us a bad person, we are more than the worst thing we’ve ever done. What is important is finding what we can take away from that act, find out why we felt that was our best option, and, look for better options moving forward. So much of the release of those bad decisions and actions was about admitting them, of taking ownership of them and then making a commitment to not repeat them, to find better options that honored who I was working to become, and, making amends or apologies if they were warranted. In the 13 plus years of this journey so far, I have seen many seemingly unforgivable things forgiven. Only we can hold ourselves back by believing we are the worst we’ve done, we’re not, as they say, the truth with set us free, and set us on a path of recovery and self-love. SLAY ON!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think of yourself as a bad person because of bad things you feel you’ve done? Does that get in the way of your relationships, career, and general way of life? How? Why do you think what you’ve done is unforgivable? What were the circumstances around what you did? Are you still that same person? Or, have you moved on, still harboring bad feelings around that incident? Have you ever told anyone about what you’ve done? If yes, what was the result? And if yes, why do you still carry the guilt of what was done? If you haven’t told anyone, why not? What holds you back? Only you can release yourself from the shackles of your past and the ideas that what you have done holds you back, let go of the past, find a release from those things that tie you to who you were, and focus on who you are and who are working to be. You are not your past, unless you choose to live there.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Forgiveness does change the past, but it does enlarge your future.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Mistakes

The Shame And Guilt Quilt

When I was deep in my illness, I walked around constantly wrapped in the shame and guilt quilt. I had draped it over myself so long it became familiar—almost “safe.” But it wasn’t protecting me. It was hiding me.

I carried guilt, shame, regret—and I let them keep me distant from the people I loved, from solutions that could have helped, and ultimately, from myself. I believed I didn’t deserve better. I believed the quilt was my identity.

When Shame Becomes an Identity

We’ve all done things we regret. We’ve made choices we’re not proud of, acted out of fear or desperation, or compromised who we were for what we thought we needed. That part is human.

What turns normal regret into something destructive is when we let shame and guilt become our identity.
We wear them like badges. We drag them into new relationships, new jobs, new eras. We whisper:

“I’m a shame-person.”
“I’m a guilty person.”

When you think that way, nothing positive can penetrate your armor. The quilt blocks the light. It keeps out healing, connection, authenticity.

—

Why We Keep the Quilt On

There are many reasons we cling to the shame and guilt quilt:

  • Comfort in the familiar. Even if the quilt stifles you, at least you know it.

  • Belief in punishment. “I deserve this.”

  • Fear of change. Letting go means vulnerability.

  • Protection from hope. If you believe you’re unworthy, hope can feel dangerous.

For me, the quilt felt safer than the unknown. Better the pain I knew than having to trust someone else—or myself—to be different.

The Price of Carrying the Quilt

Pulling the quilt around your shoulders is exhausting. It weighs you down in unseen ways.

  • You avoid connection because you think you’re “too much” or “not enough.”

  • You hide portions of your life and truth, self-isolating in the name of “keeping up appearances.”

  • You stop believing you deserve healing, comfort, or unconditional love.

And still—you keep it on. Because the cost of letting it go seems higher than the cost of carrying it.

But here’s what I discovered: the cost of carrying it was far greater than the cost of releasing it.

Choosing to Shed the Quilt

The turning point for me was nearly my last. When I realized I had to step out from under that quilt—or I would lose everything that mattered.

It took:

  • Courage to acknowledge: “I’ve been hiding.”

  • Humility to ask for help.

  • Willingness to unwrap the quilt piece by piece, admitting mistakes, offering amends, offering self‐forgiveness.

One of the biggest revelations was this:

Forgiveness isn’t about excusing what happened—it’s about releasing what happened.

Once I forgave myself, the quilt began to fall. And with each piece I left behind, more light found me. More connection. More freedom.

What Happens When the Quilt Comes Off

When you let go of that old wrapping, a few things start to shift:

  • Your identity changes. You stop seeing yourself as the sum of your mistakes.

  • Your relationships open up. Others don’t have to tiptoe around your walls. You don’t have to hide.

  • Your decisions become driven by growth, not by fear of being found out.

  • Your mental & emotional energy frees up. You’re no longer spending 80 % of your day hiding what you’re trying to heal.

The quilt may have kept you “safe” from being seen—but spending life unseen is a cost you never wanted to pay.

How to Begin Removing Your Quilt

  1. Acknowledge what you’ve carried. Sit with one piece of the quilt—guilt, shame, regret—and name it.

  2. Write it out. Get the shame on paper. Speak out loud what you’ve been hiding.

  3. Ask for help. You don’t have to do this alone. Connection replaces isolation.

  4. Offer yourself forgiveness. “I saw, I felt, I made choices—and now I choose something different.”

  5. Choose differently today. One small boundary, one honest conversation, one act of self-respect. The quilt loosens.

  6. Celebrate unwrapping moments. Each time you live without the weight of a secret, light finds you.

SLAY Reflection

  1. Do you feel like you’re still wrapped in a shame and guilt quilt?

  2. How does carrying it help you—and how does it hurt you?

  3. What would letting it go allow you to feel or do?

  4. How would your day change if you didn’t have to hide parts of yourself?

  5. What is one small step you can take today to un-wrap something you’ve been carrying?

S – See the quilt you’ve been wearing
L – Let the light of truth and forgiveness in
A – Align with your worth beyond your mistakes
Y – Yield to freedom—un-wrap, un-hide, unleash the real you

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What part of your shame and guilt quilt are you ready to set down—and what might you gain when you do?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s walk out of the shadows—together.

And if you know someone who’s still carrying that quilt, send this to them. Sometimes, someone else saying: “You don’t have to keep carrying it,” is enough to help the process begin.

#SlayOn

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Your past mistakes are meant to guide you, not define you.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Forgiving