Before walking this path I hid a lot of things. And, as my disease progressed so did the list of secrets I was keeping. I was ashamed at how I was living my life and worked hard to keep what was going on from the people in my life, and that required keeping many things to myself, which only added to my shame and guilt. When I decided to get help, I also made the decision to come clean with everyone about what had really been going on. It frightened me, but I couldn’t live under the weight of lies and secrets anymore, and once I had told everyone, I felt the weight of all of it get lifted, I still carried some guilt and shame, but the majority of it was gone, it had been said, it was out in the open, and all I had to focus on from there was getting well.
I was told, early on, how important it was to be honest, with myself and others. I was told that I was only as sick as my secrets. That resonated with me, as I used to think of my secrets as poison to my soul, even thinking about them all these years later I can feel a burning in my throat. And I felt, that when I was keeping a secret from you I was also keeping it from me, burying it deep down so that even I couldn’t see it, but I could feel it, rotting from the inside out. Part of my sickness is a disease of perception. My perception of things isn’t always as they truly are, and my head can skew things to fit a narrative it wants to tell me instead of seeing it for what it really is. Now, that has gotten much better over the years, but it can sometimes still happen, but what really flushes it out is telling on myself. Saying it out loud. Sometimes just the act of verbally saying it can put things back into perspective, and depending on who I am saying it to, they can also share theirs with me. A big part of my recovery has been to be accountable, to myself, and to others, and that leaves no room for secrets. I need to be transparent with those I love, and myself, to make sure my perspective hasn’t gotten me off course and I stay on the path I would like to be on. My ability to be honest is also what is going to keep me well and will give me the best chance when challenges or obstacles come my way. Especially during difficult times, it’s important to be as honest as I am capable of, and after almost 14 years of practice, I have gotten pretty good at telling on myself when I start to hold things back, or, I think I have a great idea that probably isn’t the best choice for me in the long run. If I say it out loud, it loses it’s power over me, and, I can hear truly how it sounds.
Many of us walk around with thoughts, ideas, or things we’ve done that we may not want to share out loud, but when we get in the habit of telling on ourselves we save ourselves from a lot of grief down the road, and maybe, a path that may not be so easy to come from. Be honest, with yourself, and those around you, no matter what speaking your truth is always better than living a life of lies, take it from this reformed liar, the truth will set you free. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you open and honest with yourself, or do you tell yourself stories to make things easier? What do you keep secrets about? Why? What secret are you keeping that may be keeping you sick, or holding you back? What stops you from telling someone? How can you find a way around that? Have you ever told on yourself? What was the secret or thought? How did it help you to say it out loud? What was the result of that? Find it in you to be honest SLAYER, tell on yourself when you are thinking of doing something that may not be in your best interest, or, may harm you, or someone else. No matter what, our well-being is contingent on our ability to be honest.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you