When I was sick I was afraid of silence. Silence for me back then was anything but silent, when things were quiet my head was the loudest. I tried to avoid silence at all costs, so much so that I would constantly numb and distract myself to avoid it. When I walked on the street I always had music in my ear, in the car, at the gym, anyplace I could I had distractions and something to fill the silence. I had, over time, stopped going to yoga, I hadn’t ever questioned why until I got myself on the road to recovery, but I had stopped because I couldn’t bear to be alone with my thoughts for the entirety of a class. Silence for me back then was not an option, I couldn’t handle what was coming back to me.
When I made a commitment to get better, I had to learn to sit in silence. I had to learn to be alone with my thoughts, and I had to learn to ignore the lies my head would tell me and find enough silence in that chatter to hear the truth. I learned, as I got better, that there was a lot of truth and guidance within that silence. It’s within that silence that we do get answers, if we allow ourselves to get quiet, to find a comfortableness there, we learn that the silence is not out to get us, it can be there to help us, to ground us, and to guide us to where we are meant to be. But, I had to work on getting well before I was able to find that peace within the silence, and there are still days, not many, but there are,when the silence still gets loud in my head, but now, most days, I enjoy it. But I had to do some major housecleaning to find that enjoyment.
For me, I had to work on quieting down that negative self-talk and replacing it with encouraging positive talk. It wasn’t easy at first, but I had a lot of help and guidance to help me diagnose the real problem and to find some forgiveness within myself so I could find the peace I enjoy now. I worked to take responsibility for my own actions and to find compassion for those I placed so much blame on for relationships or situations I held resentments for. I learned that if I was ever going to find peace I had to let all of that go and also look at what my part may have been in those situations or relationships. My sick brain wanted me to believe I was always the victim, that everything was being done to me and that I didn’t have a choice, but many times I did, most times I did, and even when I didn’t, I still had a choice in how I reacted to it. I had to take responsibility for my side of things, which was lot to digest at first, but in doing so I slowly got my power back and I realized that life wasn’t just something that was happening to me, I had the choice each day to either engage in things that were positive or negative, and the more I engaged in the positive, the more that silence I had been so afraid of became a safe place, and a place I looked forward to spending time in to find peace.
Silence can be a place we go to check in and regroup. A place that’s ours and ours alone where there is no right or wrong, but a flow of ideas and information, and maybe a nudge in the right direction. Silence is a place where we can nurture a relationship with ourselves, with our true thoughts and feelings, without fear, and to open the door of new ideas that can take us in entirely different directions. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you afraid of silence? What scares you about it? What experiences in your past have been negative that you might be trying to avoid? What positive experiences have you had with silence? What have you learned there? How do you, or can you, use it to your advantage? If you’re afraid or dislike it, how can you change that feeling? Perhaps what scares you or what you dislike about it is trying to tell you something. When we are able to sit in silence we are able to be at one with ourselves and we are able to make better decisions that will improve or enhance our life or well-being.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you