behavior

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Repeat after me: I release the need for old habits in my life!

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!

state-of-slay Repeat

Repeating Old Behaviors

We know we’re doing it, we know we shouldn’t be doing it, and yet we do it, repeating old behaviors that no longer suit us, and maybe never did, but they were what we knew, or what we were taught, or, what we used to get by when we didn’t know or have the courage to do something better. They can feel, sometimes, like getting into our favorite pair of jeans, or a comfy sweater, but, that moment fades when we catch ourselves doing it, or someone else does. There are times too where we don’t even realize that we’re doing it, those old behaviors have become so ingrained in how we operate that we seamlessly dive in without a thought or the awareness that we’ve pulled ourselves back on our path. All of that is OK, no one is perfect, or gets it right all of the time, but what we need to do to move forward and release ourselves of those old behaviors that hold us back is to recognize and acknowledge them, and not just when we get caught.

Before stepping on this path most of what I did I did without much thought, and, if some thought went into it it was focused on justifying my bad behavior. I reacted quickly or dove in doing what I had always done. I didn’t realize that most of what I was doing was actually harming myself and my chances of living the life I wanted. In fact, by participating in my bad behavior I was preventing myself from ever making things better for myself and my thoughts and actions were actually causing me to slide down deeper into a place that I almost didn’t get out of. When I finally realized what I was doing I had to get honest and I had to call myself out and identify all of that bad behavior.

Change isn’t always easy, especially when what we do and say is ingrained in us from an early age, or we’ve convinced ourselves we have found the best way to navigate through life. For me, I could no longer deny my actions when I found myself emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. There was no lower bottom, except death. So, when I set out on this journey of recovery and I resisted letting go of old behavior, I had to remind myself of how bad it had gotten doing it my own way, and if I was to get any better I had to let go of those old behaviors and replace them with healthier ones. They say, practice makes perfect, I haven’t found that to be true, but practice does make it easier, and it’s OK if I’m not perfect as long as I am doing my best in the moment. You see perfection used to be what I strived for, and never feeling I was able to achieve it I labeled myself a loser, which gave me permission to act out in ways that harmed myself, my relationships and my chances of learning and growing from the place I was. But to get better I had to let go of my perfectionism and embrace the idea that I was going to make mistakes and fall back on old behavior, but that wasn’t an excuse to throw out all the progress I had made and allow myself to engage in that old behavior. Making mistakes was part of the process of growth and if I was able to use it as that, I would do just that, grow from there.

We all have things we like to do even when we know it’s not the best choice for us, but indulging in that old behavior doesn’t move us forward, it doesn’t help us make better and stronger choices and it holds back from being our best selves. Acknowledge when you are repeating old behaviors and set yourself on the right path for success. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you recognize behaviors from your past that you still practice today that may not be the best for you? What are they? When do you notice them come up? What do you tell yourself to let yourself engage in that behavior? Or, do you not realize you are doing it until later, or not at all? What behavior stands in your way to being who you want to be, or know you can be? What can you do to change that? It’s OK to make mistakes and fall back on your old ways, but work to make better choices and soon you may find that many of those old behaviors don’t feel so comfortable anymore.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER!  You might not be able to control someone else’s bad behavior, but you can control if you participate in it.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Bad Behavior

Your Bad Behavior Doesn’t Give Me Permission For My Bad Behavior

Some of us never grow out of that playground mentality from our childhood, that if someone hits you, you get to hit them back. I know when I was living in the dark, especially when I was feeling my worst, I would hope someone would act out and invite me to do the same, I’d even go as far as try to incite someone to act out so I could unleash my own bad behavior without guilt. Or at least I thought I was getting off scot-free, but deep down I knew I was baiting someone just so I could act out and take out my anger and frustrations on someone else, and, in the end, it only made me feel worse, because really, as much as I wanted to tell myself I was a bad person, I wasn’t, I was just doing bad things, and, making bad decisions.

When I changed paths, and stepped onto the path I am now, I was told that I had to keep my side of the street clean. My side of the street, at that time, was littered with garbage, so I had to work on cleaning that up, but also not adding anymore junk to what was already there. Feeling vulnerable in this new place I had to be extra vigilant to not try to bait anyone into bad behavior and look for an excuse to exercise mine, and, when I felt baited, retreat, walk away and not engage, which was not always easy, but I knew if I was to find any kind of success and find the happiness I was working for I had to stay away from any traps to fall back into my old ways. I found that I also had to forgive myself for my old behavior and understand why I had chosen to behave the way I had, which, as it turned out, was always self-serving and a way to deflect my feelings from how badly I felt about myself as well as giving me the continued narrative of playing a victim. So, if I needed some extra material to keep telling the story the way I wanted to, I created the opportunities to make that happen. I spent a lot of time masterminding ways to stay sick, so once I turned all that energy toward my own good, things started to change pretty quickly. I also began to notice that when I didn’t participate in my bad behavior I didn’t feel, well, bad. Go figure. And, when I chose to perform esteemable acts, I began to feel good about myself and I didn’t want to go looking for situations that were going to change that. Now, that’s not to say that there haven’t been times that I have engaged and dipped my toe back into those murky waters, and, for a split second, I have gotten that surge of electricity that I used to get when my bad behavior kicks in, but it’s very short-lived, and it’s quickly replaced with shame and guilt, and when I remind myself of that it stops me from engaging the next time.

We all find ourselves in situations when someone is acting out in bad behavior, and we always have a choice to accept their invitation to do the same, or, choose to act in a way that honors ourselves, and them, even if they aren’t doing it themselves. It isn’t always easy to do the right thing, but it’s worth it when we do and don’t allow ourselves to be sucked into someone else’s battle, bad day, or just plain bad behavior. Ask yourself if jumping in the ring of bad behavior is worth how you’ll feel afterwards, in my experience, it never is. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you react and get involved with other people’s bad behavior? How do you do this? How do you feel afterwards? How does this hurt you? Write down an example. How does it challenge relationships in your life? Have you walked away from situations where someone is acting out on their bad behavior? How did you feel after to not have engaged? Write down an example. Do you feel like not engaging makes you weak or a pushover? Why do you think that? It doesn’t SLAYER, it actually makes you the stronger person, to stand up for who you are, to love and honor yourself enough to not put yourself in a negative situation when you don’t belong there. Don’t let someone else’s bad behavior invite you to use yours.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

It’s Got To Me To Set It Free

I was with a group of ladies yesterday who I regularly see and the topic of resentments came up. Always a crowd pleaser. We had talked about things that may have happened to us as children. As an adult I’ve learned to always look for my part when I am disturbed, angry or have a resentment, and as tough as it may be to swallow at times, my part is always in there. But as a child, you typically don’t have a part, things just happen to you. And what we talked about is that, even though there may be things that happened to us as children, where we had no part, many of us, myself included, then carried out behaviors into our adult life as a result of what happened to us, to either punish that person, punish others in our lives, or even ourselves. That is where we have a part.

I remember when that was pointed out to me as I was early in my journey of recovery, it was like a cold slap in the face. That, the initial act itself was not my self, but what I did following that certainly was. It was in that moment that all of those many years I thought of myself as a victim of certain events I had then used that pain to hurt, manipulate and control others. So, now, not only was a holding a resentment against the person from the original act, I was acting out that same behavior and now had a resentment for myself.

I was told that the center of all my resentments was myself. I had to see me in them to set them free, or, to set myself free. I’ve talked about resentments before, and about taking responsibility for our parts, and that that was the key for releasing that resentment, but this goes further back, and to set of resentments I remember thinking I could legitimately feel and had played no part in. At the end of the day, we’re always responsible for our part, even if we truly were a victim of someone else’s act or behavior, but it’s what we do after that act where our part kicks in, and it’s within that part where we can continually relive, rehash and renew that hurt and anger by perpetuating it ourselves. That is our part. And, the only way to set it free is to recognize what we’re doing, or have done, and find forgiveness for it, for ourselves and for the person who initially was the one who mistreated you.

We all have our own sickness, or struggles, and once I was able to identify and find forgiveness in myself for mine, it was easier to find some compassion for those who have wronged me in the past. I was able to see myself, my own struggles, in theirs, and though it might not make what they had done right, neither was my behavior following that initial event. How could I judge someone else when my side of the street was littered with similar garbage?

As they say, “the truth will set you free.” Find the courage to be open and honest with yourself about how you may have contributed to your own pain and suffering, pinpoint what you have done, and trace it back to see where it all began, and why, it’s within that investigation, that fact-finding and hopefully forgiveness, that you may find yourself free from the resentments of your past, and, may just find yourself on a path of compassion and understanding. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to hold grudges and keep resentments? Of those resentments, do any of them stem from your childhood? What are they? How have you over the years used, or taken, what was done to you and used to manipulate, hurt or harm others, either intentionally or not? How have you done this? Can you see your part in this, and how your part has kept your resentment alive, possibly, years after the initial event? What can you do today to let it go? What can you do today to admit what and where your part is and was? What can you do today to find forgiveness for yourself and your actions? It’s starts with you, set yourself free by owning your part, and taking back your power today.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Make Room For Today

I used to live in could’ve, would’ve, should’ve, might’ve. I would get stuck in the past and replaying it over and over, reliving a moment and what I should’ve done, should’ve said or could’ve done better. I was constantly pulled back to my past, or daydreaming of the future and would might be, while present moments slipped by. What I didn’t realize is that in the present moments were chances to do the would’ve, could’ve, should’ve, might’ve actions, but I was missing them because I was living in the past, or, future surfing into what hadn’t even happened yet. Life gives us opportunities to do the could’ve, would’ve, should’ve, might’ves if we are able to spot them as they come up. When we get stuck in the past we stay there, missing those opportunities the universe is giving us to do the things we wished we had done differently.

For me, I did this constantly, but I also used it was a way to not take action in my present life. I would stay in the past, thinking, in hind-sight, I was so smart to see how I should’ve done things, but not allowing myself to see that those same situations were coming up and giving me a chance to implement those “great ideas” I had, because the truth is, I didn’t want to change, I didn’t want to do the work and take the right action, it was easier to keep doing what I had always done, get the same results, and then talk about how it should have been done. But that behavior kept me in the dark, it kept me isolated from people and it kept me sick. And wishing, on bad days, that things would change, wasn’t ever going to change anything, I needed to change and I needed to make positive changes in my behavior and actions in the present to secure that life I wanted moving forward. Those changes took a lot of humility. I had to first admit my faults, and admit that I had kept myself from moving on, moving forward and growing, I had let my ego run the show and because I was at fault, the only place it could take me where I could feel superior was the past.

Today I live in the now. I do use the past to help me today, to show me right from wrong, where I can do better, but I don’t live there. Only by living in the now can I stop myself from bending backwards to my past or tip-toeing into the future, and only in the now can I take action for today and set myself up for better choices in the future. Living in the now also stops me from trying to take on things I have no control of, or from trying to take on too much, the whole picture, when all I really have is today. Many times before walking this path I would get so overwhelmed with everything I had to do that I would never actually start, but when I look at what’s in front of me, in the moment, I can break things down into what’s important, what I can do right now and work my way through that list, and before I know it, I’ve made progress. That way of life helps me to keep balance.

Make sure to make room for today. It’s great to learn from the past, but don’t live there, if you do, you may just miss those opportunities to right those wrongs that pull you back and you may hold yourself back from where you are meant to be. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find that you get pulled back into your past? Are there specific times or events that you go to? Is there something you can change about those times or events? What can you take away or learn from them that you can apply to your life today? Do you think that there may have been opportunities to change patterns in your life based on your past experiences, but because you’re stuck in the past you’ve missed those opportunities in the present? What can you do to live in the now today? How can you look for situations that may have come up in your past that you now have a chance to make right, or make better decisions? Look for the those moments SLAYER, to use what you’ve learned from your past to take positive action today, in your present, and set yourself up for a brighter future.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When we’re able to quiet our mind it allows our soul to speak.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Soul

Happy Hygiene

We always seem to know when we’re not happy, some of us also like to bring attention to our unhappiness, but as you SLAYERS know, I’m all about taking action, so those who may be complaining I ask you, what are we doing for our happiness hygiene? It’s up to us to make sure our life is filled with things that make us happy, and, just like our basic hygiene, our overall health depends on us making sure our happiness hygiene is on point as well.

Before I was walking in the light I was definitely failing in the happiness hygiene department. Everything I was doing was working against my own happiness, but I would admit to myself back then that that was true true. All of my actions were harmful, but I would tell myself I was doing things that were good for me, that they were acts of “self-care,” but I was really just trying to stuff down what was really going on, hiding behind the outside things I was using to try to fill the hole I felt inside. I had spent my life trying to blame others for not being happy, and using whatever I could to get a hit of instant gratification, that I never truly asked myself what made me happy, I don’t think that I really wanted to feel happy, even though I would tell myself that’s what I wanted, because if I wasn’t happy I could keep telling myself the story that I didn’t deserve it  or couldn’t attain it and keep falling down deeper into the pit of darkness I was living in. It wasn’t until I made a commitment to do what was right for my overall mental health, physical and spiritual health that things started to change. And I needed to bump up my happiness hygiene big time.

It wasn’t always clear to me what best for my happiness when I started. I took suggestions from others who had walked the path before me, I listened to my counselor and I set out to discover it on my own, to try new things and see what felt right. The more I did this the more I found healthier choices to replace my bad old habits, and as I continued to do this, the happier I felt. There were still moments when my old thinking would try to sabotage this new way of life, but the more I practiced my happiness hygiene the more I was able to quiet those voices and I began to start to crave the happiness, not the old habits that used to fuel me.

It is up to us, everyday, to do what’s best for us. We have that choice, and power, each day. We can choose to feed our sickness, or negative narrative we’ve been used to telling, or we can make better choices for ourselves and do the things that make us happy, truly happy, and keep us healthy. The more we do this the more of these happy tools we have in our toolbox, so when we need a hit of happiness, we have many to choose from and they’re easy to reach for and bring into action. We are not meant to suffer, we are meant to be happy, and one of my favorite happy tools to use today, now that I’ve found my own happiness, is to pass that gift on to someone else who may have lost theirs, or, doesn’t know where to find it just yet, because there is nothing that makes me happier, than sharing my happiness with someone else. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: How is your happy hygiene? What grade would you give yourself? Do you have healthy tools to use that give you happiness everyday? Do you use them? If not, why not? Do you still have tendencies to do things that harm you? If yes, why do you do that? How does that harm you? What can you do to stop that behavior? Why haven’t you done it? If you have stopped that behavior, what are 5 tools you use to find happiness in any given day? Are these tools something you can share with someone else? Have you shared them? How does sharing them effect your happiness? Has someone shared theirs with you? How has that made you feel? We are all meant to be happy, sometimes it takes time to figure out that we deserve it, and sometimes it takes time to figure out how to get it, and, sometimes it takes time to find out what it is today that makes us happy, because as we change and grow so do the many things that make us happy so we have to adapt them as we go. Let go of the thinking of your past, and focus on what makes you happy today.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

If You Spot It You’ve Got It

Typically those things we find irritating others, those things we judge, or dislike, are things we also have, or dislike about ourselves. We may not always recognize that, we may be in denial that we too exhibit the same behavior, quirk or flaw, but there’s a reason we’re zeroing in on someone else and picking out those things in them, we recognize ourselves there.

Before stepping on this path, and before doing the work to acknowledge my own issues, I often judged other people. I judged them for exhibiting the same behaviors as I was, even though I would never admit that I was behaving that way, or had the issues “they” had. I always had an opinion about what they should be doing, or how they could do it better. And when they failed, I thought, they’re not strong like I am. But what I wasn’t willing to see is that all of that judgment I placed on other people was to deflect my own behavior and actions. If I could put the focus on everyone else, shine a spotlight on their character defects or bad decisions, I could keep doing what I was doing in the dark without anyone noticing, or so I thought. I was noticing. Maybe not consciously, but subconsciously, there was no hiding from myself. And once I made the commitment to get honest, and get better, I realized what I had been doing most of my life, pointing out other people’s flaws and mistakes, I was guilty of doing all of the same things. That was a tough pill to swallow at first because I had stood with my head held high like I was better, smarter and healthier than those I judged, and in the end I was just as bad, maybe even worse, and that was a big piece of humble pie.

Today when I start to judge someone, and it happens, I pause, and I take a look at why I am feeling the need to tear someone else down, and what may be missing or needing work on my end? What do I need to look at, and am avoiding, that’s causing me to want to shine the spotlight on someone else, instead of looking at myself? It’s a good indicator that I have work to do. And, I can now use my acknowledgment of someone else’s stuff as a form of compassion, or understanding, because I likely share in that same behavior. I have been able to turn my judgment of others into something positive, for me, and as a way to connect to those around me.

What we find disturbing or irritating in others is typically what we find disturbing or irritating in ourselves. And that, is our problem. We are all responsible for ourselves and our own behavior, what someone else is doing is none of your business. It is not up to us to judge them or school them on how they should be living their lives, but we can certainly look at how we’re living ours when we find our focus shifts to someone else. Our focus on someone else’s behavior is the best indicator that we need to shift our focus back on us. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to judge others for how they’re living their lives? Why do you think you do this? Do you try to give that person advice? How is that usually received? What behavior or character traits usually catch your eye as something that should be fixed? Do you see those same things in yourself? What can you do to place the focus back on yourself and away from judging someone else? What are some of the things that you pick out in others that you also have yourself? When you look at that list, how do you feel? What don’t you like about what’s written on that list? What can you do to fix that? We all have moments when we judge others. It’s what we do when we notice we’re doing that sets us apart. Use those moments to take a look at your own behavior and actions, use those urges to fix someone to fix yourself. Find away to let that stuff go.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Sometimes You Face Difficulties Because You’re Doing Something Right

Sometimes we assume that if we’re facing difficulties we’re doing something wrong, but many times it’s a sign we’re doing something right, and, maybe different from what we’ve always done in the past. We tend to be creatures of habit, we do what we’ve been taught, what we’ve been shown, and many times, what may seem like the easiest way out, but those ways may not be taking us to where we need to be, or where we should be. Which brings up their own set of difficulties. But those difficulties are within our control. We can make different choices. The right choices, for us. And even though those new choices may bring up their own set of difficulties, they are easier, and healthier to work through, because we are being authentic to who we are and what we need.

We should never apologize, or shy away from what is best for us. For me, before stepping on this path, I often tried to take the easier, softer route, in terms of finding a solution in which meant the least amount of conflict, or attention. I often didn’t get what I wanted, or if I did, would have to manipulate or lie to work around the work I wasn’t doing, which in reality was only making more work for myself instead of doing what was right for me in the first place. A lot of times this falls into people-pleasing, putting others’ wants and needs ahead of our own, or being afraid to ask for what we want for fear of the response. So we do what is best for someone else, or what will cause the least amount of waves, and settle for that solution, only to become angry, anxious or depressed about the situation we then find ourselves in. We continue this behavior until it becomes unbearable, at which point we may start to find outside fixes to cope with where we find ourselves, or, hopefully, start making some better choices. For me, I opted for the outside fixes first. I found ways to numb myself, to quiet the voices in my head that were telling me I wasn’t making the right choices, that I wasn’t supposed to be where I was, I thought if I could just get them to quiet down I could be OK where I was, but I couldn’t be, because I wasn’t supposed to be there.

We can only hide from the truth for so long, and some of us spend most of your lives hiding in those places, maybe even our whole lives, but we know when it’s not right, when we’re not in a place that allows us to be ourselves, to shine, to grow and be accepted for who we are, and encouraged to be who we should be. So when we start to make the right decisions, maybe for the first time, those difficulties that come up are showing us we’re on the right track, and, that we’re walking where we’ve never walked before. The difficulties that come up on that path feel difficult because we’ve never been there, but are not nearly as difficult as the ones we’ve lived with when we weren’t being truthful with ourselves. Walkthrough these new difficulties, because we are meant to, because they are just fear of letting go of what we’ve had, where we’ve been, and the uncertainty of finally living a life that serves us and allows us to be our best selves. If we are being truthful about who we are, what we need and want, we should have no fear, just follow the road we find ahead of ourselves, and keep making the next right decision for us and the life we want for ourselves. Of course that doesn’t mean we don’t care how our decisions affect the other people in our lives, but if we’ve chosen the right people, they will want the best for us and may even encourage us to walk through those difficulties we may find on this new path. Or, they may not be OK with the changes and that tells us that we need to move forward without them, or, just in a different way.

Only we can decide what is best for us. Only we can do the work to have the life we want, the way we want it. And only we can walk through the difficulties or fears we may encounter on that road to the place that’s been waiting for us. Suit up SLAYER, step on that path, there are plenty of us walking beside you to help you through those rough spots. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you always follow the path that reflects your true self? If not, why not? How have you not been true to yourself in the past? What has been the result? Write down some times that you were true to yourself? What was the result? How did you feel? Why do you not do what’s best for you and your growth all the time? What stops you? How does this hurt you? What if you stopped doing that? What if you started making decisions and taking action that did put you on the right path? What if you tried to do something different today, something that honored you? Start there SLAYER, and see how you feel. See if you can’t start making more of those decisions and choices to start honoring who you are and what you want in your life. Do it SLAYER, we’ll all be right there with you, cheering you on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you