responsible

Make Your Own Happy Ending

When we are kids, and I think especially us little girls, we dream of a happy ending for ourselves. I know for myself as a kid I lived a lot in my head and found fantasy much more appealing than reality, and sometimes I still do, so I dreamed up many happy ending scenarios for myself, never really knowing if I could really have one. As my life got complicated with mental illness that happy ending seemed far from reach as I struggled just to get by with daily life and the vicious cycle I found myself in. The path I was on was going to lead to anything but a happy ending if I didn’t make some changes.

Hitting my emotional and spiritual bottom got me to a place where I was desperate enough to ask for help, that action opened the door to my freedom from self. As I began to walk the path of recovery and make the necessary changes to live a healthy and happy life I began to realize that I had the power to make decisions and take action to bring me to a place where I could find my own happy ending. I wasn’t sure what that would be exactly, but I was also told I didn’t need to figure that out and take it one day at a time making each day the best I could. As I began to love and forgive myself those dark days of my past lessened I started to let myself believe in a happy ending for myself again, but I also allowed there to be room for a happy ending that may not be what I had previously planned out. See, on this path I have discovered that I most definitely don’t know everything, and that what I can imagine as the best happy ending may actually be short-changing myself because there may be something better or more suited to me that I haven’t even thought of. What I do know is what I’ve experienced and learned on my journey and what I am responsible for is doing what’s in front of my hands and making the next right decision, and if I am unsure of that next right decision, I know to ask someone I know and trust to share their thoughts on it based on their experience. By staying present and keeping an open mind and heart, doing the work in front of me, my path has taken me to places I never thought I would have traveled, and it has taken me to my very own happy ending, one that I may have dreamed of as a little girl but as an adult never really believed I could have. I, in turn, by doing the work, by listening to my heart instead of my head, by saying yes and trusting, having faith, and being true to myself made my own happy ending along with someone else, and, now it is our responsibility to continue to make our own happy ending every day.

Each of us has the power to make our own happy ending. That will look different for each of us, and that’s OK, because each of us is unique in our own way, what works for one doesn’t always work for the other, so no one can tell us what our happy ending is except us, and there is no wrong happy ending if it’s what fills us with joy. Get out there today and take action on making your happy ending a reality. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you believe there is a happy ending out there waiting for you? If not, why not? Did you ever believe there was? What changed? What does your happy ending look like? Or, do you not know? There’s no shame in not knowing, that just means you have an exciting path of discovery in front of you with a blank slate. When we take the action each day that fills our souls with love we begin to see that happy ending form in front of us, we begin to believe we deserve it and we begin to walk towards it. Find your happy ending and make it happen.

S – self  L – love  A – appreciate  Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! If you live to only make others happy, your happiness will suffer.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Own Happiness.jpg

Accepting Happiness

We say we want to be happy, but how many of us are not accepting of it when it appears? Or, even know what happiness truly is?

When I was living in the darkness I would say I just wanted to be happy. But my idea of happiness back then, most of the time, was getting what I wanted when I wanted it, something that wasn’t going to happen most of the time, even on the best days. I also had never really asked myself what makes me happy, outside of material things or career goals, I placed all  my happiness in those to areas, the first, which was fleeting because the happiness I first experienced from that material item quickly vanished, and the second, my career, which, for the most part, was out of my control a lot of the time. Those were two tough places to solely make responsible for my happiness, and ultimately, are rather empty.

I realized in my recovery that my happiness was actually contingent on me believing I was deserving of it. Up until that point, as much as I longed to be happy, I didn’t really believe I deserved to be, well, at least that’s what my disease told me, and I had believed it for far too long. It was time to find out what truly made me happy, and what happiness truly was! I set out to find out, and started with the things I was most grateful for, those things made me happy, and using those as a foundation I was able to look for more things, and as I trained my brain to work from a place of gratitude I started to find happiness, for, low and behold, it had always been within my reach, I had just directed it in the wrong places. Even when things were dark, I still had it within my power to find happiness, to let some light in to that dark place with acknowledging the good, even if it was only one good thing, I could let it in, plant it, and let it grow. Knowing that I had the power to accept, have and nurture happiness made me feel good, and I started to look for it everywhere in my life, even in the smallest of things, even just being there for a friend or someone in need. I learned that it was within those selfless acts that I found an unexpected happiness, to have thought or acted outside of myself to show kindness to someone else, and as I did that I became more accepting of happiness in myself, because I knew I deserved it, but I also learned that the more happiness I had, the more I had to share.

We all want to be happy, but what is happiness to you? And, do you believe you are deserving of it? You are, we all are. But if you don’t believe you are you may, like I did, look for it in the wrong places, or not accept it when it’s there. Ask yourself what truly makes you happy, start there, seek more of that, share your happiness with others and watch it grow, you never know, you may one day find yourself, you guessed it, happy! SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you consider yourself happy? What makes you happy? Do you have many things in your life that make you happy? If not, why not? What can you do to find more happiness in your life? Do you have trouble accepting happiness? Do you feel you deserve it? If not, why not? You do SLAYER, we all deserve to be happy, and our happiness is conditional on us believing we should be happy, finding happiness and sharing it. When you find happiness in your life, let it in, and know it’s there because it should be and, you should be happy.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

If You’re Not Changing You’re Choosing

I would not have liked that statement at all when I was living in the dark. I always pegged myself as a victim of life and circumstances, I never took responsibility for my own decisions or part in where I found myself. I did want change, but I never took action to make it happen, or if I did, I would start, experience a set back and then give up saying there was no hope. I lived life like life owed me, but it was me, who owed it to myself to make the changes to have the life I wanted to live. Living in the headspace I was, I didn’t even know if what I wanted was realistic, I just knew I couldn’t keep living the way I was, and that time was running out.

In the end, I did make a choice, I had to make a choice out of self-preservation, but a choice was made to get well. I realized as I traveled the path to my recovery that I had made the same choices for years and years, expecting different results each time, instead of changing my behavior, and by doing so I had made the choice to stay sick, to not get help, to keep living in the dark even though it kept getting darker. My head told me I had no choice, this was it, and it was only going to get worse instead of better, but that was a lie. It took me almost making a choice I could not take back to realize I had other choices. Choices that could bring to the places I wanted to go, choices that were healthy and would bring about the changes I thought were out of reach.

We all have much more power than we may realize on any given day. Even though we can’t control people, places and things, we can control, or be in charge, of our reactions to them. We should be constantly changing and growing, that’s what this journey is about, to learn, discover, to challenge ourselves, so if we’re not changing we’re choosing to stay where we are, and even, right now, if that is a place you feel comfortable, you’re still not meant to stay there forever. I always say, if I’m too comfortable somewhere I’m probably meant to move on, or look for how I can challenge myself to fine-tune or do better in an area that I may just be getting by. It’s not necessarily about leaving everything, and everyone behind, but finding those areas to improve upon. I, now, get a little rush of excitement when I challenge myself, and I feel that uncomfortableness underfoot because I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone, it’s then that I know I’m where I’m supposed to be.

We are not victims of life, if we are not changing, adapting, growing, we are choosing to stay where we are, just as we are. The good news is, if we don’t like something, we can change it, and we may not get to the exact place we imagine, or would like, but just the act of making the change will bring us to where we are supposed to be, or where we are supposed to be next. Take the action or choose to stay stuck, it’s your choice. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find that you get too comfortable where you are and don’t make changes to grow, learn or move on? What keeps you where you are? Are you where you’d like to be? If not, how can you take action to start moving in the right direction? Do you feel like you have no choice? You do SLAYER, if even it’s just making small steps to start, that movement and action will lead you to where you are supposed to be headed, just take the next indicated right action, or the one you think is right. Allow yourself to make mistakes, those are part of the process, and trust the path you are on. Don’t let life tell you you don’t have choices, you do, you always do, they may not always be exactly what you want, but they may get you there. Do what’s right for you and keep looking for your chances to change.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Each of us is responsible to fix ourselves, don’t apply for a job you are not qualified for.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Cut Yourself

Other People Are Not Your Problem To Solve

We can sometimes get caught up in wanting to fix people. But, people are not our problems to fix. Each of us is responsible for ourselves, and when we meddle in someone else’s life, or try to school them on what they should be doing, we’re not only doing ourselves a disservice, but also them as well, as it’s their responsibility to find their own journey on their own path. It is also usually an indicator that we’re trying to avoid something in our own lives by focusing on someone else’s. It’s always much easier to tell someone else what to do rather than take action on those things in our lives that we should be working on our changing. And, when we’re in avoidance, looking for other people to fix becomes easy as we tend to look for the things that we dislike about ourselves in those around us.

No one has the right to tell us how to live our own lives, or to point out the things they think are wrong with the way we’re living, and, that goes for us too, if someone asks for an opinion, sure, go ahead and give it, but if we’re not asked, we must assume our opinion is not welcome and we need to keep it to ourselves. There are some of us too, who like to fancy ourselves as teachers, but typically what’s really going on there is that we’re feeling less than, or know we’re not doing all we can for our own growth and betterment and are deflecting our energies to someone else we think we can ‘help.’ Any time we think we’re better than someone else, or know better, we’re living from a place of ego, that ego may be covering up our insecurities, but we’re not living in a place in line with the universe, and, ourselves. So when we find those urges come up to school someone we should sit ourselves down and look at our own behavior before trying to teach someone else.

When I was living in my disease I often thought I knew better than most of the people around me. And, I often shared my opinion, especially if it wasn’t asked for, because I thought I was doing them a favor. Meanwhile, my own life was a total train wreck, and, was still barreling down the tracks collecting more and more collateral damage. But, to talk to me, I had it all together, and I knew just how you could too. What a hypocrite. On the flip-side, if someone did see through my bravado, I certainly didn’t welcome their opinion on my life. I would be offended and tell any unsuspecting do-gooder that they didn’t know what they were talking about and they should mind their own business, so why did I think it was OK to do just that to someone else? Well, again, I was sick, and in full denial about how sick I really was, so if I could get the spotlight off of me, I would do that at any cost. When I finally had to take a look at my own life, I realized that those things I used to say that others should do was exactly what I needed to do to live a healthy and productive life, and so I had to put my ego aside and get to work.

Today, I don’t look for people to fix, that’s their job, but what I can do is encourage them as they do make changes, support them as they take changes they never have, and love them even when they fall, in fact, especially as they fall because I know they are trying, as I do every day, and I know that those people in my day-to-day life offer me the same, and we all can lift each other up as we grow and learn and focus on making our lives the exciting adventure we deserve, and worked for. Let everyone have their own experience, give them that honor, and do the same for yourself.  Allow yourself to make mistakes and have the courage to do the work you need to to become someone you are proud of today, and someone who feels good in the place they stand in.  You can SLAYER, just keep that spotlight on yourself, and let everybody else shine theirs on them, so together, you can help each other shine.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Have you in the past fallen into the trap of trying to fix other people? What was the result? How did this help you? How did this hurt you? Were you able to “fix” them? What did you see in them that needed fixing? Is that, or are those the things that need fixing in your own life? Do people in your life try to fix you? If yes, how does that feel? Do you welcome that? If not, why not? How does that make you feel? So, knowing how that makes you feel, why do you try to do it to others? Do you find that you go looking for people to fix when you’re not feeling good about yourself? Do you see a pattern in your behavior? How can you change that pattern SLAYER? What can you do this week to turn that spotlight on you and make some changes in your own life that will help you grow? Take action SLAYER, and take back your power to make some good changes for you. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

People Hear What They Want To Hear

I used to agonize over what I shared and how I shared it, if I was in a large group, I would think of each person who would be there and how what I had to say might affect them or possibly hurt them by them by hearing what I had to say. I was sharing my truth, my journey, and ultimately what I had to think about were the people who might be helped by what I had to say over who might be hurt. My intention was to certainly not to hurt anyone, but sometimes in our truth there are things that are new information, or perhaps a perspective that hadn’t been seen or heard before, and I eventually decided that it was more important for me to be transparent and truthful than to worry about what others may take away from my words that could be construed as shocking or hurtful to them. What I’ve learned on this path is that people hear what they want to hear, or, what they are ready to hear. When we edit ourselves to try to please everyone, we are not only short-changing ourselves, but anyone who may be listening who can be helped by our truth.

There are many times people can have selective hearing. Whether it’s because they are closed off to any kind of thinking or new information that is not in line with their own, or because they are just not ready to hear the truth and seem to edit the words we share to fit the narrative they’ve put forth in their mind. Regardless of what may be going on for someone else, what’s most important is that we don’t edit who we are and what we share. I have learned long ago to stop worrying and just speak from the heart, and there have been many times when I think that someone might have a hard time hearing what I have to say and lo and behold they seem to have not heard that part or parts I was concerned about, or heard it in a way that made it OK for them. Instead of correcting them, I trust they heard what they were supposed to in that moment, and perhaps, one day, they will be in a place to take in the rest.

Where this gets tricky is if there is a conflict. This goes back to a previous blog I wrote called, People Cast Us In Their Lives. Many times people have already made up their minds who we are to them and what our part is, even without our input, or sometimes, even our knowledge. We may walk into a situation ready to share our truth and they only hear the things that fit the narrative they have already written, they lock in that narrative, with no room for adjustments or edits. That can be difficult, but all we can do is be truthful and honest, share the facts as we see them, and let go of the rest. We can’t make someone hear what they don’t want to hear, but if we are sharing our authentic selves, and our truth, perhaps we have planted a seed, and when they are ready, they might hear the rest, or our words might resonate with them, but, we cannot count on that, nor can we control it. We just need to be honest about who we are and where we’re coming from.

The only person we have control over is us, we can’t control how people perceive and receive our words, and even with the best of intentions, those words can sometimes get twisted through the filter of someone else’s ears, and that is not our problem. We have to be true to ourselves, sensitive to not purposely cause harm with what we say, even if it is our truth, but not worry about sharing who we are and where we’ve come from because we’re concerned it may upset someone else. It’s a fine line of being responsible, but also honoring ourselves. I have learned that if I stand in my truth and share with an open heart and an open mind, most of the time, others will come join you there, those others are the ones who are meant to hear your words, and will stand by you when those words my fall on deaf ears. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you worry about sharing your true self with others and what they may think or how they may react? Why? Are there examples from your past where things have gone negatively? What happened? Should you have done something different? Or, was the result not your issue, but someone else’s who didn’t want to hear, or chose not to hear, what you had to say? Do you have fear about sharing your truth? Why? Do you see that when you don’t share your truth you are telling yourself that your truth, your feelings, your actions don’t matter? They do SLAYER. Stand tall in who you are, share your heart with others, and if someone doesn’t want to hear, or can’t hear, what you have to say, let them go, perhaps they will return when they are ready.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

All The Bad Is Good

I was speaking other night at a facility that houses people who are working to get their lives back on track, or maybe on track for the first time, these were people who were at their bottom, and if they weren’t they should have been, but some of us have many bottoms before we begin our journey out, and then there are some who never make it out and continue to bottom out until they run out of chances. I spoke honestly to them, and I looked at each of their faces as I told them my journey, ending with telling them that all the bad that’s happened to them is really good. I meant that, the bad is good, if we use those experiences to teach us and motivate us to learn and make better choices from there. When I said that they looked skeptical at first, but I could see, as it began to settle in, that look on some of their faces that if they look at those times as good, they then got to take their power back to change, and grow, and, find some good.

When I started my own journey from the darkness, I couldn’t see how everything I had been through, everything that had gotten me to where I was, was anything good. I still was in victim mode, thinking that all of those things were done to me and that I had no control over them, but in reality I played a part in most of them, and the ones I didn’t play a part in, I was still responsible for how I reacted to them, but I couldn’t see that at the beginning. It was a hard pill swallow when I had to take responsibility for my part in all of those things, especially the things I instigated that harmed me more than anyone else, those things were the hardest to come to terms with. I also let people harm me, thinking that I deserved it, or to continue to tell the story I wanted to tell, which was that I was a piece of crap who didn’t deserve anything good. Once I was able to forgive myself for all of those things, I was able to see the good that could come out it.

In reality, I had a blueprint of what not to do, of what didn’t work, and when you think about that, that’s a pretty good blueprint to have, that is some useful information, because, when we’re searching for new ways to do things, for better ways, for ways that honor us, we can always look back at what not to do, and, maybe try doing the opposite of that as an alternative. See, no matter what we’ve done in the past, it’s all good, it’s good because we are making a commitment to not take part in those activities and actions anymore, and we now have a wealth of information of what not to do, and in turn, a way for us to keep ourselves in check, when we are in doubt, we can look back and make sure we haven’t fallen back into old habits, or, we can see the progress we’ve made.

When I looked out to the room, to those faces that night, to those people who were looking for some hope, I smiled and told them I was once just like them, that we are all the same, we may look different, we may come from different backgrounds, have held different jobs, but at the end of the day, we, those of us who have gotten ourselves to our own personal bottoms, who have felt lost and alone, we all have the power to change to our stories, we have the power to step into the light and be our best selves, we can turn the bad into the good, and how do I know, because I’ve done it, and so can you. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Looking back, can you see how the things you used to label as bad can be looked at as good today? List 5 “bad” things that you can now see the good in. How, out of those things, can you take what happened, or your actions, and use them in a positive way today? How can you use that information to make better choices in the future? Good vs. bad is all a matter of perspective, we can extract some good out of almost any situation, and when we start looking for the good, and looking for the lessons, we start to change our outlook on our past and we see how it can be useful to our growth, it can also be empowering to look back and know, we’ve changed our patterns, we’ve broken the cycle, to become our best selves.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Are You A People-Pleaser?

I never would have said that I was a people-pleaser before stepping on this path, but looking back I was, not in every way, but I definitely identify with some of the behaviors. I think we all can be at times. We all want to be liked. We want to make people happy. We want to look like the good guy. The hero even. But when we use the act of making people happy as our own self-worth, that’s where people-pleasing becomes a problem. Yes, it’s nice to do things for other people, but not if we’re putting other people’s needs before our own, neglecting our own as a result, or we’re doing it in such a way that it becomes self-destructive. Many times people-pleasing comes from our own self-worth issues, I know it did for me, I didn’t think I had any worth, so I equated my worth to the acts I did for other people, and if those people didn’t appreciate those acts as much as I thought they should, I would get angry. Wrong intentions, wrong reaction. We should only do something for someone else if we genuinely want to do it and expect nothing in return from that person other than knowing your act may have made their day better, otherwise you run the danger of people-pleasing with selfish motives. So, how do we know if we’re people-pleasing? Here are some signs.

Pretending You’re Always In Agreement. You pretend you always agree with everyone’s opinions or values just be liked, or to be seen as being on the same page, going against your true beliefs and what you stand for. I am a firm believer in always listening to someone’s opinion, even if it differs from your own, but never fake who you are to make friends, as sooner or later the truth will come out and you will be labeled as just that, a fake.

You Fell Responsible For Other People’s Feelings. Each of us in charge of our own feelings and emotions, you as an individual cannot make someone feel something they do not. Again, it’s nice to do something for someone if you know it will help them or they’ll appreciate the gesture, but it’s not your job to manage someone else’s feelings, and you can’t, your job is to manage your own.

You’re Always Apologizing. Never be sorry for being you. People-pleasers typically over apologize always fearing that people are blaming them, even when they’ve done nothing wrong. When you’re secure in who you are and know your true intentions, there is no need to apologize for things unnecessarily, there should be no fear that you’re always in the wrong, or it’s your fault for something you didn’t do.

You Feel Obligated. You over-schedule your life with things and activities you’re not really interested in doing but feel you should to keep someone else happy. You are in charge of your life and your time, you don’t have to agree to anything you don’t want to, or you feel burdened by. Again, the only reason to do something is because you want to, not to look good to someone else or because you feel you can’t say no, you can. Better to be honest about how you feel than do something and then feel resentful when you’re there.

You Fear Anger. You make decisions based on whether someone might get mad at you and fear their displeasure. We can’t control whether someone gets upset with us, we also are not responsible for someone else’s happiness. Living in fear of upsetting someone is a true sign of a people-pleaser and a sign of self-doubt and low self-esteem.

You Mimic Those Around You. You’re a chameleon and act like the people you are around never showing those you’re with your true self for fear of not being accepted for who you are, or upsetting someone. Different people tend to bring out different sides of us, we do tend to have different facets of our personality, but to pretend to be what you’re not can be self-destructive and can often sabotage your goals if you’re not truly expressing who you are and sharing that with those around you. Be confident in your true you and don’t be afraid to share that with others, people want to meet the real you, not the you you think they want to meet.

You Need To Be Complimented To Feel Good. Everyone likes to hear when they’re going well, but people-pleasers depend on it. They’re constantly seeking validation for what they’re doing, or sacrificing, and when they don’t get it feel a sense of betrayal, but the only person you’re betraying is you, for not being yourself in the first place. The only person you should be making sure is happy is you, that happiness should not come at a cost to make someone else happy.

You’ll Do Anything To Avoid Conflict. No one likes conflict, well, no one who loves themselves and those around them, but to go to great lengths to avoid it is a sign of a people-pleaser. At some point we all find ourselves in conflict, there’s no way to avoid it, and doing everything in your power to try to avoid it might just cause more conflict because you aren’t being true to who you are, eventually someone will see that. Walk in to everything situation with the best of intentions, and know why you’re there, that’s the best any of us can do, conflict will happen regardless at times, but if you’re being honest you have nothing to worry about.

You Won’t Admit Being Hurt. Not wanting to disappoint anyone or hurt them, you keep your feelings inside, not admitting when you’ve been hurt. You deny anything is wrong, which only makes you feel worse, and keeps those relationships superficial and weak, as sooner or later your pain will cause you to disengage with that person, or they’ll sense you’re not being honest about who you are. If you’ve gotten hurt talk to the other person, we unintentionally hurt others at times, and some times it’s done by us. A conversation can clear the air and make a relationship clearer and stronger.

Recognize yourself in any of these behaviors? I think we all can to a degree, whether in our current life or in the past. People-pleasing really has the opposite result, because as we focus on pleasing others we are not pleasing the one true person who matters, us, and while we’re running around doing things for everyone else, there’s a part of us that is dying as we stuff down our goals, desires, and interests to keep up a facade we think we should present to the world. Be you. That’s all you need to be. That’s enough. Stand tall in who you are and what you believe in and share that with those around you, if that’s not appreciated in your current social circle, then perhaps it’s time to find a new circle of people just like yourself, or, a circle who wants you to be nothing more than who you are. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you identify yourself as people-pleaser? If yes why? If not why? Did you recognize yourself in any of the scenarios in the blog? Which ones? How has acting out this way harmed you? How can you change this behavior? What do you think will change when you do? How is your journey of self-love coming along? Where do you think you can improve? Where have you improved? SLAYER, write down 5 things, you cannot buy, that you are proud of. Keep that list with you and when you feel the urge to people-please, look at it, and know you are the person you need to please because you are an incredible person all on your own and your needs also deserve to be met. Go after what you want, and know, you are enough!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER!  When we act on self-righteous anger we are in danger of hurting ourselves, and those around us. You are in charge of how you react, and who you choose to engage with. Choose wisely.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Anger