We can sometimes get caught up in wanting to fix people. But, people are not our problems to fix. Each of us is responsible for ourselves, and when we meddle in someone else’s life, or try to school them on what they should be doing, we’re not only doing ourselves a disservice, but also them as well, as it’s their responsibility to find their own journey on their own path. It is also usually an indicator that we’re trying to avoid something in our own lives by focusing on someone else’s. It’s always much easier to tell someone else what to do rather than take action on those things in our lives that we should be working on our changing. And, when we’re in avoidance, looking for other people to fix becomes easy as we tend to look for the things that we dislike about ourselves in those around us.
No one has the right to tell us how to live our own lives, or to point out the things they think are wrong with the way we’re living, and, that goes for us too, if someone asks for an opinion, sure, go ahead and give it, but if we’re not asked, we must assume our opinion is not welcome and we need to keep it to ourselves. There are some of us too, who like to fancy ourselves as teachers, but typically what’s really going on there is that we’re feeling less than, or know we’re not doing all we can for our own growth and betterment and are deflecting our energies to someone else we think we can ‘help.’ Any time we think we’re better than someone else, or know better, we’re living from a place of ego, that ego may be covering up our insecurities, but we’re not living in a place in line with the universe, and, ourselves. So when we find those urges come up to school someone we should sit ourselves down and look at our own behavior before trying to teach someone else.
When I was living in my disease I often thought I knew better than most of the people around me. And, I often shared my opinion, especially if it wasn’t asked for, because I thought I was doing them a favor. Meanwhile, my own life was a total train wreck, and, was still barreling down the tracks collecting more and more collateral damage. But, to talk to me, I had it all together, and I knew just how you could too. What a hypocrite. On the flip-side, if someone did see through my bravado, I certainly didn’t welcome their opinion on my life. I would be offended and tell any unsuspecting do-gooder that they didn’t know what they were talking about and they should mind their own business, so why did I think it was OK to do just that to someone else? Well, again, I was sick, and in full denial about how sick I really was, so if I could get the spotlight off of me, I would do that at any cost. When I finally had to take a look at my own life, I realized that those things I used to say that others should do was exactly what I needed to do to live a healthy and productive life, and so I had to put my ego aside and get to work.
Today, I don’t look for people to fix, that’s their job, but what I can do is encourage them as they do make changes, support them as they take changes they never have, and love them even when they fall, in fact, especially as they fall because I know they are trying, as I do every day, and I know that those people in my day-to-day life offer me the same, and we all can lift each other up as we grow and learn and focus on making our lives the exciting adventure we deserve, and worked for. Let everyone have their own experience, give them that honor, and do the same for yourself. Allow yourself to make mistakes and have the courage to do the work you need to to become someone you are proud of today, and someone who feels good in the place they stand in. You can SLAYER, just keep that spotlight on yourself, and let everybody else shine theirs on them, so together, you can help each other shine.
SLAY OF THE DAY: Have you in the past fallen into the trap of trying to fix other people? What was the result? How did this help you? How did this hurt you? Were you able to “fix” them? What did you see in them that needed fixing? Is that, or are those the things that need fixing in your own life? Do people in your life try to fix you? If yes, how does that feel? Do you welcome that? If not, why not? How does that make you feel? So, knowing how that makes you feel, why do you try to do it to others? Do you find that you go looking for people to fix when you’re not feeling good about yourself? Do you see a pattern in your behavior? How can you change that pattern SLAYER? What can you do this week to turn that spotlight on you and make some changes in your own life that will help you grow? Take action SLAYER, and take back your power to make some good changes for you. SLAY on!
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
State Of Slay™ 
Oh, Carrie, I feel called out here. It’s like this post is shining a spotlight directly in my face, and highlighting my biggest struggle. The person I most try to fix is me, that’s true, but I get caught up in my mother’s addiction cycle, and I lose my objectivity.
I know I’m just supposed to care for her and make sure she’s comfortable. I know my job with regard to her health is pain management, caloric intake awareness, intravenous administration of certain meds, some physical care, and mental health support. That’s it. That’s all I signed on for, and that’s all that’s expected of me, but her addictions are killing her, and I’m watching her die by inches. So, I fall into parenting her, sometimes. I get impatient, and angry, and controlling. I ignore her autonomy, and try to impose my own will and make her do what I think is best.
It’s stupid. It’s also a colossal waste of the time we have left, because, of course, she resents me and we argue. Her doctors tell me to stick to my job, and treat her like an adult. Our family begs me to force her into treatment. I walk a fine line between not enabling her, and respecting her wishes. Since I’m not going to leave her to die on her own, I’m consciously making the choice to not interfere, while making room for her requests on the weekly shopping list. I’m completely honest with her doctors, and still try to maintain a separation between caregiver and ‘responsible party’.
Shit is hard.
There’s no real answer to the question. It’s a day-to-day problem, and I have to remain fluid, able to bend with the winds, as it were. I keep going to group, and keep sharing, and keep having the very same hurdles to jump over, every single day. It’s a never-ending problem, that has an expiration date, looming in the very near future.
Eventually, I’m going to have to come to terms with the choices I made that helped supply her with the poison she wants, and I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive myself. And maybe that’s the price I should pay for seeing this through to the end. Maybe making sure she gets to have what she wants, and dies knowing I did my best to satisfy her, is the compromise for the guilt I’ve racked up. Maybe that’s ok. I wish I knew.
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At the end of the day you can only do what you think is best, but know that you cannot fix someone who doesn’t want to fix themselves, or even acknowledge there is a problem, and may not even care.
Always make sure you are taking care of yourself, emotionally, spiritually, physically, that you can control, that is your job.
Your Mom is in her disease, you can do what you can to help her where she cannot help herself, but not at your own expense.
Shine some light in your direction, and ask yourself who your actions are helping, and, who are they hurting?
I know you walk a difficult road SLAYER, but keep your eyes on the path beneath your feet, we’re all here to light your way.
SLAY on!
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Hey Mimi, I feel this as well. Reading this blog piece put things into perspective lately for me plus Carrie also called me out too! At some point it was like my mail was being read back.
It takes a certain kind of brave and strong individual to be able to be supportive for their family members when they’re going through a tough time or do not see the effort we put into supporting them also. It takes a certain kind of bravery to own up when we feel like we’re struggling. As Carrie said; take care of yourself emotionally, spiritually, physically that you can control.
We are all in this living journey together. You are a light and inspiration. The fact you keep going to group and have been vulnerable as well as open with your struggles is a good thing. Your openness has made me think about my own struggles and put my life into perspective as well. Here for you sister Slayer.
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Thank you for your beautiful response.
As you said, we’re all living this journey together, and it’s always nice to remind someone of that while they are going through a difficult time on their path.
We all share a lot of similarities, a lot of struggles, but together we can walk through anything, and we all get stronger as a result.
SLAY on!
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En,
Thank you for your kindness. It was an unexpected, and welcomed, surprise, and I appreciate it, and you.
Going to group, and sharing my struggle has been difficult for a lot of reasons, but mainly because being honest, really honest, about my intentions and motivations makes me feel so raw and open. But, as Carrie says, we’re only as sick as our secrets. I don’t want to be sick, and I don’t want to gloss over anyone else’s journey through sickness. It’s better to know, and be known, than it is to hide.
Thanks to both of you for the support and understanding. That feeling of being seen and loved anyway has been hard to come by, recently, so it’s a gift when it happens.
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We see you and love you SLAYER!
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❤
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