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Would Little You Be Proud Of You Today

When I was little girl I used to dream about what I thought my life would be like. Now, it was things that I thought were what I should be dreaming about, and back then, that little ol’ me, didn’t know that what would make me most proud had nothing to do with “things,” but the person I could become and the ways I could share that with others. As I got older I started to feel disappointed in myself, in my eyes, I could never do things good enough or how I had imagined them in my head, I always fell short, and as I continued into adolescence, that disappointment turned to hate. I hated myself and started a very long journey of pretending to be who you wanted me to be, or who I thought you wanted me to be, to hide who I really was. I thought, if you knew the real me, you would hate me as much as I did, and as much as I would have told you back then that I didn’t care, I did care, because it was one thing for me to hate myself, but if you all did too, I didn’t think I could survive that. As a result, most of my actions were a result of the fear of that, and most of my actions abused that little girl full of dreams inside of me.

It wasn’t until I made a commitment to get better, many years later, that I started to think about that little me, and recognized that she was still in there and I had done a horrible job protecting and loving her. She was really beat up, that girl, and feeling small, and so part of my job in getting well was to show her the love I had neglected to give her most of my life, and to protect her, show her it was safe, and show her that I was not only able to love her, but love myself. It helped, on those difficult days, to think of her, that little me, sitting alone feeling vulnerable, I could see her there, so when I was battling those negative voices in my head that told me I wasn’t worth fighting for, I would say, maybe not, but she is and I’m going to fight for her.

As I got better she was less shy about coming out, she learned to trust me and when I would celebrate a milestone or overcome something that used to defeat me, she was always there to celebrate and cheer me on. And as I got more confident so did she, until we started working together and learning to love who we were. There are times on this journey that I have let her down, even hurt her, but the work I’ve done allows me to go back and find her and make things right.

My life has changed a lot over the past six months. I have a lot things in my life that I wasn’t sure I would ever have. Things that you can’t buy or easily find just because you want them because they come when you’re ready for them, when you are able to share your best self and honor who you are. I was reflecting on all the good in my life today and I thought about the little me inside of myself, and tears came to my eyes as I saw her smile and felt that she was proud of me, that this was the place she used to imagine and hope for, not only in terms of where I find myself in my life, but where I find myself, in place of self-love and acceptance. It’s been a long rocky road to get to this place, and I know, no matter where the journey goes from here, that if who I am and what I’m doing doesn’t make that little me proud, then I’m on the wrong path. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think about the little you that’s inside of yourself? When you think of that person, what do you feel? Do you think that little you is proud of you today? If yes, why? If not, why? If you don’t think they are, what can you do to make them proud? To show them love? To let them know they’re safe? When you were that little person, what did you hope for for the future? Have those hopes and dreams materialized? If not, how can you work to get those things into your life? Find some time to check in with your little self and see if there is something you can do to make them proud today.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Your Scars May Be Someone Else’s Hope

When I was living in my disease I used to think I was too damaged to be loved. I thought that if I let someone in, truly in, they would see my scars and see how ugly I was. When I looked at myself, all I could see was the scars, and I worked really hard to pretend everything was OK in the hopes that you wouldn’t notice them. What I didn’t realize was the longer I kept trying to hide them, and hide my pain, the more scars I was accumulating, and the harder it was to hide them. It wasn’t until I sought help that I realized that my scars weren’t ugly, or something to be ashamed of, that they were just a part of my story, and my story, and my scars, may be able to not only help me, but may also be able to help someone else.

Scars prove we are survivors, warriors, they are what’s left when the wound is closed, it’s evidence the pain was there, but a sign that the healing can begin, or has already happened. They don’t make us ugly, or unlovable, in fact they can show the world just how beautiful we are, and how strong our spirit is. To still be standing, to overcome whatever obstacles we have had to to be here today is a show of our strength and our ability to overcome the suffering and to let that pain become one of our brightest assets because it didn’t break us. The fact that we’ve come so far despite the scars from our past allows us to shine a beacon of hope to those out there who are still suffering, I know this is true, because 13 years ago someone else’s beacon caught me in it’s ray of light and it showed me that there might be another way, a way to live in the light.

A large part of this journey for me was accepting those scars I could not see. Those scars that ran deep inside, and went back in time as far as I could remember. Those scars that would get in my way of friendships, relationships, commitments, dreams and ambitions. I had to learn to love those scars as well, and if I couldn’t, at least acknowledge them and learn from them as I stepped forward on this new path of light. Those scars were the ones I needed to share the most, as they needed the most light. And, the more I did share them the more I realized that there were many like me who had those same scars and I learned to find the beauty in them, and, in myself. I used to think of myself as a warrior because I was a fighter and I could get through things on sheer willpower alone, but that’s not what makes a warrior strong, it’s about knowing those weak places inside of us, loving those places, and moving forward anyway, overcoming those parts that aren’t strong, or we’re not proud of, and accepting them all, loving them all, sharing them all, and as we do those scars, those scars we used to think of as ugly, or things we should hide, become the most beautiful things about us because they show our strength, or character, our ability to survive, and we can use that to offer hope to those who still think they need to hide their scars. Our scars offer hope.  SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you try to hide those parts of yourself that you think are ugly? Why do you hide them? Why are you afraid to let people see them? Do you think other people don’t have the scars that you do? Even if some may not, the fact that you have overcome your obstacles, have lived through your scars, proves how strong and how much of a survivor you are, which is nothing to be ashamed of. Those things we have survived in our lives, those things we’ve overcome are what make us the most beautiful, not only because we’ve survived them, but because we can show others it’s possible, we can use those things we thought were the worst of us to show others it’s possible to not only live through difficult circumstances or events, but that we can use them to grow, to connect, and to thrive on the other side of them. I believe we survive, not only for ourselves, but to show others the way to stop hiding the scars and things we used to because we now know the beauty and value they hold today, and they remind us of where we’ve come from, and where you don’t ever want to return to again.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

If You’re Fighting You’re In Fear

Before walking this path I was always proud of being a fighter. I would fight because I thought I was right. I would fight because I wanted to prove you were wrong. I would fight, just to fight. But what I didn’t realize is that I was fighting because I was in fear.

Looking back almost every decision I made was fear based, I never would have said that, in fact, I would have told you back then that I wasn’t afraid of anything. That was not the truth. My whole life I lived in fear. Fear you wouldn’t like me. Fear I wasn’t good enough. Fear I wasn’t smart enough. Fear of loosing what I have or not getting what I want. If there was something to fear I was fearing it. To mask that fear I would overcompensate and try to act strong, which many times caused me to pick fights to make myself feel better, or at least, smarter than you, and the lower I felt, and the lower my self-esteem was, the more aggressively I would fight, like somehow I could fight my way into feeling better, but I never did, it only made me feel worse over time. Oh sure, I might get a small hit of satisfaction from my “win,” but that would wear off and I was back to feeling bad again.

When I think back to those many years I lived in fear, most of my actions back then were the opposite of how I truly felt, as though I thought I could just force myself into feeling something different, but none of my actions were authentic to who I was or what was really going on.

Today, I don’t feel the need to lash out to those around me. I don’t have a need to be right, because I am comfortable in who I am today, I love who I am today, and, I am no longer motivated by fear. That’s not to say that I don’t have any fear about things in my life, but I don’t act out on it, and I know that if I did I would just have to apologize or make amends for it later, which doesn’t seem worth the fight, not today, and today I don’t need to find outside battles to try to fill an inside problem, I’ve learned to love myself and I’ve learned to fill myself with good things, with an abundance of self-love and all of the things that make my heart and soul shine, which is the antidote to fear. The counter action to fear is self-love, self-love conquers all, once you are able to find that the fear starts to fade away and those battles that used to seem so important, or even mandatory, are replaced with wanting to spread goodwill and to help those around us. So next time you’re get ready to fight, ask yourself, what am I so afraid of? SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: What are you most afraid of? When you’re in fear, do you act out? Do you try to hide your fear? Are you aware that you might be trying to hide your fear? Why do you think you have fear? Are those reasons based in fact? Or, are they based on stories you’ve been told about yourself, or, stories you’ve told yourself? What if you stopped telling those stories? Do love yourself today? If you do, what do you love about yourself? If not, why don’t you love yourself? Are those reasons legitimate today? Are these things you can change or improve on? What can you do today to focus on the good in you? When we focus on our good and share our good with others we start to lose our fears and when we lose our fears we lose our fight and need to be right. Let those moments when you want to fight be an indication that you are in fear and instead of putting on those gloves and stepping in the ring, ask yourself what you are most afraid of, the answer will likely lead you to the place you need the most love, heal that place, love yourself in that place, and don’t fear that place, that place is you, at your most beautiful vulnerable self, let go of that fear and let love in.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Feelings are like waves, they come and go, and you get decide which ones to surf.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Peace

Feeling Your Feelings

Before stepping on this path I never wanted to feel. Good, bad, anything. It hurt too much to feel the bad, and I didn’t think I deserved the good. So I looked for ways to stuff down my feelings, to quiet them, or if I could, numb them all together. I lived like that for the first 35 years of my life. When I think about all the things I was supposed to be feeling in those 35 years it makes me sad, because for the most part, I didn’t allow myself to feel any of it. I also didn’t share those feelings with anyone, so they just got stuffed down, feelings on top of feelings in a big heap I tried to bury as deep as I could. If anyone asked me how I was, I would always respond with, I’m fine, I wasn’t, and even that lie generated feelings I had to stuff down. The more I did it, the easier it got, but it always weighed me down as I dragged those unfelt feelings around with me and tried to pretend like they weren’t there.

When I made a commitment to get better I was also making a commitment to feel. That was scary. I had spent my whole life running away from my feelings, and now, having taken away everything I used to use to cover up my feelings I felt like I was standing alone completely vulnerable to a lifetime of pain that was coming at me like a giant tsunami and I wasn’t prepared. But what that taught me was how to get prepared. Making sure I had as many life rafts as possible, so when that wave hit, I had places to go for safety. I found that in counseling, support groups, new friends who were walking the same path, and old friends who knew me and my history, and, I found a spirituality that worked for me, that I began to find comfort in, and eventually guidance. It was hard to feel, at first, and because I had stuffed down so much for so long, it all came at me at once. Loss, grief, betrayal, disappointment, hurt, shame, abandonment, truth. All of that and more came at me, so much so there were days I didn’t want to get out of bed, and held on to my mattress to make sure I wouldn’t get blown away by the force of those waves.

I made it through that storm. It took time. And sometimes I did get knocked down by the waves, but I learned to get back up. And each time I did I got stronger, and I was better able to work through my feelings. I used to have trouble feelings things in the moment , a dear of mine would often tell me I had emotional jet lag, I wouldn’t’ feel things as they were happening, from all the years of not letting myself feel, there was a delay, from the event or moment itself, to when I actually felt it. That delay has lessened a lot, and today I do feel things when they happen, most of the time, there are still times when I don’t, and now I just observe those times and look into why I may be trying to protect myself from my feelings, and why I’ve held my feelings back.

I am proud today that I feel things in the moment. And if that brings up emotion, even in public, that’s OK. I am allowed to have feelings, no matter what they are, and I honor myself, and who I am, when I do. It’s OK to have feelings. And it’s OK to share those feelings. Because when we do they connect us to other people who also feel, and may just be feeling what you’re feeling, and when that happens, there is no better feeling in the world. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you allow yourself to feel? In not, why not? What scares you about your feelings? Have you been told not to feel? Have you stuffed down your feelings so deep that you can’t access them anymore? Do you do things to keep them stuffed own? What do you do to not feel? What if you stopped doing those things that stop you from feeling? What do you think would happen? What if you let yourself feel SLAYER, what if you made sure it was safe, found the support and guidance you need, and let yourself feel. You deserve to let go of your past and feel true feelings, and let those feelings connect you to others who feel just like you, allowing you to not feel so alone and able to be your true self in any given moment. Feel it SLAYER, let yourself feel it.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Never hide who you are, never stay quiet when you want to share, never be anyone than who you are.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Hide 1

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You become what you hide.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Hide

Wanting To Be Forgotten

For a long time, I didn’t want to stand out.

I wanted to blend into the background. To disappear into the scenery. I believed that if I stayed unnoticed, no one would see what I was so certain was true about me—that I wasn’t worthy, wasn’t good enough, didn’t belong.

So I learned how to hide in plain sight.

That might sound strange given the profession I chose, but acting became the perfect disguise. I could hide behind characters. Behind scripts. Behind versions of myself that felt safer than the truth. And in that way, I wasn’t so different from anyone else. We all learn to play roles. To adapt. To become what we think is acceptable so questions aren’t asked and attention doesn’t linger too long.

When the risk of being singled out feels dangerous, we camouflage ourselves and hope we’re forgotten.

The Masks We Wear to Avoid Being Seen

Some of us don’t just blend in—we carefully construct a persona.

A version of ourselves that feels more likable. More acceptable. Less risky. We hope that if the persona is convincing enough, the real us will disappear completely.

For me, this created a quiet kind of torment.

I didn’t want to stand out, yet I desperately wanted to be liked. I wanted the version of myself I had created to be noticed and validated, while the real me stayed hidden.

It was an impossible contradiction.
A game I could never win.

The more masks I wore, the more disconnected I became. I had been playing different roles for so long that I no longer knew who I was underneath them all.

When Hiding Becomes Survival

As my mental illness took hold, the desire to disappear grew stronger.

I felt like life was moving forward without me. Like everyone else was advancing while I stayed stuck, running from a darkness that never stopped chasing me. When it caught up, it dragged me backward again.

I didn’t want anyone to see that.

So I hid.

I hid the fear.
I hid the despair.
I hid the exhaustion of pretending I was okay.

My illness told me I was forgettable. That I didn’t matter. That if I were gone, no one would even notice.

And the most dangerous part?
I believed it.

Letting the Light In Changed Everything

Everything shifted the moment I told a trusted friend the truth.

For the first time, I stopped hiding. I let the masks fall away. I let the light in.

What was revealed wasn’t polished or put together. It was broken. Lost. Empty. Afraid.

And instead of being judged or rejected, I was met with compassion.

No one hurt me.
No one shamed me.
No one turned away.

I was met with encouragement, hope, and love.

Standing there in my vulnerability was terrifying—but for the first time in my life, I was fully myself. No roles. No performance. No pretending.

And it felt like relief.

Pretending Is Exhausting and It Keeps Us Sick

Pretending takes work.

It requires constant vigilance. Constant fear of being “found out.” Constant self-monitoring to make sure the mask doesn’t slip.

And the truth is, pretending doesn’t protect us—it slowly erodes us.

It keeps us disconnected.
It keeps us anxious.
It keeps us stuck in survival mode.

For me, pretending kept me sick. And I was getting sicker.

Healing didn’t come from becoming someone else. It came from finally allowing myself to be who I was—without apology.

Learning You Are Enough As You Are

It took time to build self-love. To learn self-respect. To reach a place where I no longer felt the need to hide.

But I made it there.

Today, I know this: whatever my best self looks like in any given moment is enough. If I fall or make a mistake, I can repair, learn, and try again—as long as I stay true to myself.

I no longer want to be forgotten.

I want to be of service.
I want to help.
I want to share my story.

Not for approval. Not for validation. But because it’s my truth—and there is nothing to be ashamed of in that.

I own my story.
I own my truth.
And when I walk in that honesty, I know I am exactly where I’m meant to be.

That is what I want to be remembered for.

You Were Never Meant to Disappear

If you’ve spent your life trying to stay hidden, hear this:

You don’t deserve to be forgotten.
You don’t need to erase yourself to be accepted.
You don’t need a mask to be worthy.

The world doesn’t need a more palatable version of you.
It needs you.

Your real voice.
Your real heart.
Your real presence.

That is who we remember.

SLAY Reflection

Let’s reflect, SLAYER:

S: In what ways do you hide or minimize yourself in your daily life?
L: What part of you feels “unacceptable,” and where did that belief come from?
A: What would it look like to remove one mask and show up more honestly?
Y: If you stopped trying to be forgotten, who could you allow yourself to become?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Have you ever tried to disappear to protect yourself—and what helped you start showing up again?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s hiding because they don’t feel worthy of being seen, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Anger is the emotion we choose when we’re trying to avoid less comfortable feelings.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Anger

You Matter

This week we lost two creative, talented, successful people to suicide. Both came as a shock, to me, and most people. How could two different people, seemingly both “having it all”, make the decision to take their own lives? It seems unfathomable, except to those who have been there, who understand the despair and anguish that goes along with anxiety, depression, mental illness. Yes, those conditions do not discriminate between those who have all the things, we may think, will make us OK, or better, and those who may not. It can come for any of us, I know because it had me in it’s grips for most of my life, and, on a bad day, can still get the best of me when I’m not taking care of myself, because even though I’ve made the choice to live a life in the light today, my disease still wants me dead, and as I grow and learn to be a better and healthier woman, my disease is also learning what I am and looking to find a way to navigate around the obstacles I’ve put in it’s path. I know if I stop choosing life, death is waiting to take me in it’s arms.

It’s also a wake-up call. To me, and hopefully those out there like me, and, those who are still struggling. We may tell ourselves that if we get the new job we’ll be OK, the new girlfriend/boyfriend, the vacation, the new apartment/house, a move to a new city, we may tell ourselves that if something in our lives changed we would be OK, and the truth is it won’t, not if we’re not OK right now. Sure it’s nice to have nice things, but nothing can fix us if it’s an inside problem, that we have to tackle, head on. For me it was a matter of life and death. Trying to hide what was going on, not sharing it with anyone, and isolating myself from people who cared, those negative voices got louder in my head, and because they were the only feedback I was hearing, they sounded like the truth. They would tell me I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t deserve good things, that I was a bad person, that I should be ashamed, and that it would be better if I just wasn’t here anymore, in fact, no one would even notice, or care. None of that is true. None of that is fact. All of that is my disease. But, when you’re not sharing with others, no one can tell you it’s wrong. I know what’s it’s like to stand there, alone, in the darkness and make the decision to end the pain and suffering, thinking that’s the only way out, the only way to stop the pain, it’s an awful place to stand, it makes me feel physically ill just thinking about it, but I can also say, as a survivor, that there is a solution, and, you will be missed, and that action will not only take you from our lives, but will have a ripple effect of pain, anger, and confusion for years to come, maybe even a lifetime.

You matter. We want you here. You deserve good things, and you can get them, but first you need to get help. Talk. Share. Reach out. There are so many ways to do it today. You can call someone, a help or crises line, you can chat online, talk to someone in person, just take action, no one will judge you, but they will offer to help. When I finally reached out for help it was such a relief. A relief to let go of the huge secret I had been carrying around with me. To finally be honest, to come clean, and to find the courage to say I was in crisis. My life changed the day, I found an abundance of people willing to help, but I had to take action before I started to get better. Now, as I said, on a bad day those demons still come calling, and they always know just what to say, but today I know they’re lying to me, and I know if I can’t battle them alone, that I have a whole army of people to back me up and fight them with me. You also have that army, you just have to call it into action.

Pick up your sword SLAYER, and go to battle, for the most important person there is, YOU.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let your demons get the best of you? How do they do that? Why do they do that? Why do you let them? Would you allow anyone else to speak to you that way? So why do you let them? Do you reach out for help when you feel overwhelmed? If not, why not? If you have, what was the result of that? When you are struggling, do you make sure you let people know? If not, why not? SLAYER, we are all more alike than not, we understand and are here to help, we all support each other through the tough times and as a result we all rise. We stand together, tall, proud of who we are, even on those days we feel small, because we will not be defeated, we are warriors, survivors, we are SLAYERS!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you