Feeling Your Feelings

Before stepping on this path I never wanted to feel. Good, bad, anything. It hurt too much to feel the bad, and I didn’t think I deserved the good. So I looked for ways to stuff down my feelings, to quiet them, or if I could, numb them all together. I lived like that for the first 35 years of my life. When I think about all the things I was supposed to be feeling in those 35 years it makes me sad, because for the most part, I didn’t allow myself to feel any of it. I also didn’t share those feelings with anyone, so they just got stuffed down, feelings on top of feelings in a big heap I tried to bury as deep as I could. If anyone asked me how I was, I would always respond with, I’m fine, I wasn’t, and even that lie generated feelings I had to stuff down. The more I did it, the easier it got, but it always weighed me down as I dragged those unfelt feelings around with me and tried to pretend like they weren’t there.

When I made a commitment to get better I was also making a commitment to feel. That was scary. I had spent my whole life running away from my feelings, and now, having taken away everything I used to use to cover up my feelings I felt like I was standing alone completely vulnerable to a lifetime of pain that was coming at me like a giant tsunami and I wasn’t prepared. But what that taught me was how to get prepared. Making sure I had as many life rafts as possible, so when that wave hit, I had places to go for safety. I found that in counseling, support groups, new friends who were walking the same path, and old friends who knew me and my history, and, I found a spirituality that worked for me, that I began to find comfort in, and eventually guidance. It was hard to feel, at first, and because I had stuffed down so much for so long, it all came at me at once. Loss, grief, betrayal, disappointment, hurt, shame, abandonment, truth. All of that and more came at me, so much so there were days I didn’t want to get out of bed, and held on to my mattress to make sure I wouldn’t get blown away by the force of those waves.

I made it through that storm. It took time. And sometimes I did get knocked down by the waves, but I learned to get back up. And each time I did I got stronger, and I was better able to work through my feelings. I used to have trouble feelings things in the moment , a dear of mine would often tell me I had emotional jet lag, I wouldn’t’ feel things as they were happening, from all the years of not letting myself feel, there was a delay, from the event or moment itself, to when I actually felt it. That delay has lessened a lot, and today I do feel things when they happen, most of the time, there are still times when I don’t, and now I just observe those times and look into why I may be trying to protect myself from my feelings, and why I’ve held my feelings back.

I am proud today that I feel things in the moment. And if that brings up emotion, even in public, that’s OK. I am allowed to have feelings, no matter what they are, and I honor myself, and who I am, when I do. It’s OK to have feelings. And it’s OK to share those feelings. Because when we do they connect us to other people who also feel, and may just be feeling what you’re feeling, and when that happens, there is no better feeling in the world. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you allow yourself to feel? In not, why not? What scares you about your feelings? Have you been told not to feel? Have you stuffed down your feelings so deep that you can’t access them anymore? Do you do things to keep them stuffed own? What do you do to not feel? What if you stopped doing those things that stop you from feeling? What do you think would happen? What if you let yourself feel SLAYER, what if you made sure it was safe, found the support and guidance you need, and let yourself feel. You deserve to let go of your past and feel true feelings, and let those feelings connect you to others who feel just like you, allowing you to not feel so alone and able to be your true self in any given moment. Feel it SLAYER, let yourself feel it.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

5 thoughts on “Feeling Your Feelings

  1. I hope you can feel how inspiring you are !! I love to read the new blog posts and really let it sink in. Thank you for sharing , for being so honest and trusting us to read your story. I am so very grateful that our paths have crossed. Sending love and good vibes to you always !! SLAY ON!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lucy, thank you so much for sharing your comments with me. My hope, when launching this blog was to spread some light and hope out in the world, to share what I’ve learned on my path, and to hopefully build a community of people who are working on being their best selves, it always warms my heart when I hear from people doing just that.

      I hope you’ll continue to SLAY along with me, and the other incredible people here.

      SLAY on!

      Like

  2. I’ve had a tough time just feeling things. A huge part of me has gotten into believing that my feelings were invalid and that I really shouldn’t have them. Emotional delay and replaying the same tapes in my mind do not help. Also past memories amd triggers. Sharing what I feel amd what past events have scared me into isolation with people I love. The trusting aspect is also difficult. I don’t trust many people with what I feel partially because I don’t trust myself with what I feel all the time.

    I know recently I just saw a terrible pattern in my behaviour and thought life that logging off certain social media platforms and walking away for a bit isn’t helping. So I decided very recently that I was just going to quit it cold turkey. The benefit it used to have to my mental health – space to share my thoughts and feelings then being constantly validated for my negative thoughts and feelings and seeking that validation — these were not good moments nor a great place for me to live. So. There is that.

    The slaying continues and I have to trust what I feel. I’m scared but there’s a weird power I’m feeling. Thank you as always for these blog posts and the space to share feelings. ❤ As always, N

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s