judge

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The potential for greatness lives within each of us. 

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

Never Search In The Branches For What Is Found In The Roots

Before walking my current path, I often would get distracted by shiny sparkly things. I had a constant list of things on my “want” list, and those things, when I did obtain them, became like a drug that I was continuously chasing. The items I was buying were like my armor, or so I thought, I wore each of them like a badge of honor, but that hit I would feel was fleeting, and then I was on the to next item on my list, chasing the same high. I was like that with people too, I didn’t collect them, but I would look for the people who were flashy, who looked good from the outside, and outside I admired or envied, and an outside I compared my insides to.

I always thought everyone else had it easier than did. I watched other people and wanted what they had, but I truly didn’t know what I was asking for, because all I was seeing was what was being presented to the world, and not what was truly going on. I didn’t even consider that there was possibly two different versions, even though I was presenting two myself. I just got caught up on what the outside looked like, thinking if I could make my outside look perfect than maybe I could have a shiny sparkly life too. No such luck. You see, what I was admiring, or attracted to, didn’t really exist a lot of the time, I was fixating on someone else’s seemingly incredible life, not realizing that there could be things I didn’t know. There were also a lot of things I didn’t know about myself, because I hadn’t bothered to ask, or, gotten to know myself, and instead of asking, I just kept trying to cover up those blank spaces with more shiny sparkly things.

When I made the commitment to get well I was told I had learn to love myself. I didn’t even know how to begin, or, if it was even possible. It was. And as I got to know myself for the first time, and, did learn to love myself, that long list of things I had been attracted to didn’t seem to important anymore. What was important was finding forgiveness for myself, and others, and to learn who I was and what was truly important to me. Turns out it was none of those exterior or material things that used dominate my time, and mind, it was finding an inner peace and filling myself with gratitude, love and connection to something bigger than myself. I also learned on my journey to finding those things that most of the people who I had admired, or even envied, for “having it all” or much of what I wanted, also had struggles and challenges of their own that I didn’t see. I realized that my journey and struggles was much like other people, who were also working to do the same as I, and that the solution was not in people, places and things I was trying to obtain or possess. I had to stop worrying about what my branches looked like to everyone else, and start focusing on the health of my roots. That is where my strength, happiness and freedom was, in the roots, if I was to grow and keep myself on solid footing and to keep myself nourished so I could continue to grow, I had to feel like l was on solid ground.

It’s easy to look around and assume that what we see is how it is, but most times it’s not. We, as a society then to put our best foot forward when we are out in the world, we show each other what we want to show, not necessarily the truth of what may be going on, and yet we judge ourselves and how we feel by these outside personas, which could be far removed from the reality of what’s truly going on. Finding a way to connect with your true self and what makes you feel whole is the way to finding peace, there isn’t anything that can be bought or obtained that can do that job or take it’s place, we may try, and it may work for a while, but ultimately the way to our peace is an inside job, one that will take a lot of honesty and courage to work on, but the one that will give you the most rewarding gift you can give yourself, freedom to love who you are and what you are, no matter what your branches may look like today. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to judge your insides to other people’s outsides? Do you realize you are doing this? How does it make you feel? Do you think it’s fare to do this to yourself? Do you present the best of yourself when you are out in the world? Do you think others do the same and do not share their real truth? If yes, then how can you compare how you feel with someone else based on what you see? Do you try to fill those gaps or holes inside with outside things? How do you this? Does it work? For how long? How do you think you can start to fill the gaps yourself, without reaching for something else to try to do the job for you? Work on that SLAYER. The true way, and only way to fill those gaps and feel whole is to love and honor yourself, to do and say those things that make you feel whole. Find what fills you up from the inside, find love for yourself and share that love, as you do those roots beneath your feet will become stronger and give you the foundation you need to shine and share your beautiful branches.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

It’s Got To Me To Set It Free

I was with a group of ladies yesterday who I regularly see and the topic of resentments came up. Always a crowd pleaser. We had talked about things that may have happened to us as children. As an adult I’ve learned to always look for my part when I am disturbed, angry or have a resentment, and as tough as it may be to swallow at times, my part is always in there. But as a child, you typically don’t have a part, things just happen to you. And what we talked about is that, even though there may be things that happened to us as children, where we had no part, many of us, myself included, then carried out behaviors into our adult life as a result of what happened to us, to either punish that person, punish others in our lives, or even ourselves. That is where we have a part.

I remember when that was pointed out to me as I was early in my journey of recovery, it was like a cold slap in the face. That, the initial act itself was not my self, but what I did following that certainly was. It was in that moment that all of those many years I thought of myself as a victim of certain events I had then used that pain to hurt, manipulate and control others. So, now, not only was a holding a resentment against the person from the original act, I was acting out that same behavior and now had a resentment for myself.

I was told that the center of all my resentments was myself. I had to see me in them to set them free, or, to set myself free. I’ve talked about resentments before, and about taking responsibility for our parts, and that that was the key for releasing that resentment, but this goes further back, and to set of resentments I remember thinking I could legitimately feel and had played no part in. At the end of the day, we’re always responsible for our part, even if we truly were a victim of someone else’s act or behavior, but it’s what we do after that act where our part kicks in, and it’s within that part where we can continually relive, rehash and renew that hurt and anger by perpetuating it ourselves. That is our part. And, the only way to set it free is to recognize what we’re doing, or have done, and find forgiveness for it, for ourselves and for the person who initially was the one who mistreated you.

We all have our own sickness, or struggles, and once I was able to identify and find forgiveness in myself for mine, it was easier to find some compassion for those who have wronged me in the past. I was able to see myself, my own struggles, in theirs, and though it might not make what they had done right, neither was my behavior following that initial event. How could I judge someone else when my side of the street was littered with similar garbage?

As they say, “the truth will set you free.” Find the courage to be open and honest with yourself about how you may have contributed to your own pain and suffering, pinpoint what you have done, and trace it back to see where it all began, and why, it’s within that investigation, that fact-finding and hopefully forgiveness, that you may find yourself free from the resentments of your past, and, may just find yourself on a path of compassion and understanding. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to hold grudges and keep resentments? Of those resentments, do any of them stem from your childhood? What are they? How have you over the years used, or taken, what was done to you and used to manipulate, hurt or harm others, either intentionally or not? How have you done this? Can you see your part in this, and how your part has kept your resentment alive, possibly, years after the initial event? What can you do today to let it go? What can you do today to admit what and where your part is and was? What can you do today to find forgiveness for yourself and your actions? It’s starts with you, set yourself free by owning your part, and taking back your power today.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Don’t Blame A Clown For Acting Like A Clown If You Keep Going To The Circus

I’ve been there. I mean, clowns are one thing—but for me, the pattern showed up in the people I kept allowing back into my life.

Before I began walking this healing path, I lived with a lot of magical thinking. I believed that if I hoped hard enough, people or situations would just… change. And each time they didn’t, I was left hurt, disappointed, and confused. Still, I’d go back—again and again—expecting a different outcome.

For a while, I told myself it was about giving people the benefit of the doubt. But if I’m being honest, some of it was rooted in a narrative I was used to telling: that I couldn’t trust people, that others would always let me down, that I was the victim. A lot of it, though, was simply expecting someone to show up differently than they ever had before—despite all the evidence to the contrary.

When We Hope Instead of Accept

Even after I started healing, I still found myself getting hurt in these same dynamics. The difference was, I had more awareness. I knew I couldn’t expect people to be who I wanted them to be. But because I was changing, because I was growing and showing up differently, I’d start to think—maybe they are too.

Spoiler: They weren’t.

At least not in the way I hoped. They were still who they had always been. And I was still getting hurt.

People show us who they are. We’re the ones who often refuse to believe them. We soften the truth, sugarcoat their behavior, make excuses. But deep down, we know what’s real. We just don’t always want to accept it.

Expecting Different From What’s Always Been

We can’t expect different from someone who’s always shown us the same. Yes, people can change—I have changed—but we can’t expect it. We can share how something made us feel. We can suggest a different way of communicating. But at the end of the day, some people will always return to their default patterns. And that may not change—no matter how much we grow.

The only thing we can control is us:

  • Our boundaries
  • Our expectations
  • Our willingness to engage

We can’t keep going back to the same well and be surprised when it’s still empty. Eventually, it’s not about them. It’s about why we keep going back.

Lead by Example—And Accept What Is

The most powerful way to inspire change is by living it.

When we shift how we communicate, how we hold boundaries, how we show up—we naturally invite others to do the same. But even then, they may not follow. And we have to be okay with that.

Because we’re only responsible for our own energy. We can’t change someone else. We can only change how we engage with them—or choose not to.

This lesson didn’t sink in for me right away. I returned to the same dynamics more than once, hoping this time it would be different. Hoping the same people would finally see me, show up for me, offer something they’d never offered before.

And each time, I left disappointed.

Eventually, the mirror flipped. The problem wasn’t just them—it was me continuing to hope for something that had never been there.

The Truth Isn’t Always Harsh—But It Is Honest

It’s not always easy to accept the truth about someone, especially if that truth means letting go of what we wish they could be.

Accepting someone for who they are doesn’t mean you hate them. It doesn’t even mean they’re a bad person. It just means they aren’t capable of offering you what you need.

And that might mean setting boundaries. It might mean pulling back. Or it might mean walking away entirely.

The truth is: you can’t blame the clown for acting like a clown if you keep showing up at the circus.
You have the power to exit the tent.

Take people for who they are—not who you hope they’ll become—and honor yourself by accepting that truth.

SLAY Reflection: Your Turn to Get Honest

Take a moment to reflect with these questions:

  1. Do you find yourself going back to the same people, expecting different results?
  2. Is there someone in your life you’re still hoping will change, despite a long pattern of behavior?
  3. What are you really seeking from them—support, love, validation? Have they ever truly given it?
  4. What boundaries could you set to protect your peace, even if they don’t change?
  5. What would it look like to stop hoping—and start accepting?

    Call to Action: Join the Conversation

    I’d love to hear from you.
    What’s one situation or relationship you’ve kept returning to, hoping it would change—and what finally helped you step away?
    Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

    And if you know someone who’s stuck in a cycle of disappointment, send this to them.
    Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Life has no remote, get up and change yourself.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Taller

If You Slip Up, Get Up

Before walking this path if I slipped while trying to work on a goal or practice a new lifestyle I’d throw the whole thing out. One mistake to me meant failure so what was the use in continuing? It would take days, weeks, months, sometimes years before I would try again. If ever. It was all or nothing, and even with the willpower I had, I wasn’t immune to mistakes are slips, and the moment they happened the negative bullshit committee in my head would pipe up, telling me I was a loser, wrong for thinking I could do it and I would never accomplish what I was setting out to do. I would believe those voices and slip back into my depression, undoing what I had begun to accomplish before the slip.

What took me a while to learn was that a slip wasn’t the end of the world, in fact, it is part of the process, or journey, and that sometimes we learn the most, or what we need to from those slips to move forward. Many times when I slipped back into old behavior I realized that it didn’t feel good anymore, or it wasn’t the place I wanted to be, so even when, out of habit or default, I slipped back there, if I didn’t give up, it helped me to keep moving forward, and the further away I got from that old place, the less I wanted to slide back there one more time.

No one ever does things perfectly, the slips are part of the process, and a way we test ourselves to see if we really want what we’re working for, some of us too are a little more defiant than others, and we, even though we know better, rebel against positive changes and try to self-sabotage what we’re working so hard for, and that’s OK too, as long as you get back on track and are able to be honest about the actions you chose to take that slid you back. There is no real timeline, we work at our own pace, and some of us work faster than others, quick or slow, it doesn’t matter, as long as we get to where we are working to get to, or, where we are meant to be.

I used to carry shame when I slipped up, but that was only me punishing myself for not being perfect, no one else was judging me or thinking less of me because I made a mistake, so I had to learn to love myself through the slips, acknowledge them, what my part was, and get up and keep moving on. I have done that for over 13 years now, and each time I’ve gotten up I’ve taught myself that a) I can get up, and b) there’s no shame in the slip up, and that maybe that was something I need to do in order to motivate me to really make some of the bigger changes I needed to make to get me here.

We all have our own journey and own path. No two journeys are alike, and none of them work on the same timeline. Move at your own pace, with love and grace, do the best you can, or what you can, each day, each moment, and never let yourself believe that if you slip you can’t get up again. That slip may just help you get up and get to that place you’ve been working so hard to get to all along. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend throw away all the work you’ve done if you’ve made a mistake or slipped? Why do you do this? How does that make you feel? What do you tell yourself when you slip? Do you encourage yourself to keep going? Or, do you hurl all kinds of negative insults at yourself? If someone else in your life slipped, what what you say to them? Why don’t you tell yourself those same things when you slip? Do you have a support group, or trusted friends or family, who can support you in those times you slip? Reach out to them if you’re having a time of doubt or negative self-talk, let them love and support you as you get up again. We all slip, that’s not anything to be embarrassed about, but make sure you remember that the important part isn’t the slip, it’s how you got back up.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When you speak your truth with compassion, your words have more power.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Gently

Telling The Truth In A Way It Can Be Heard

I have never been accused of being subtle. My mind works at a fast pace and my mouth is just as fast, and at times, even faster, and can belt out quick comments or opinions as I move about my day. As I’ve walked along this path I have made a conscious effort to use a filter of compassion and understanding on my mouth, but sometimes the unfiltered truth comes out as I’m running out the door, or late because of someone else’s actions or out of my own frustration, and someone gets hurt. What I say typically is the truth, or the truth as I see it, but can probably be said in a softer and gentler way. It seems that the unfiltered truth often gets used on those I love the most, perhaps my immediate response to something I have already had a discussion about or think they should know. But what I should always know is that my words can hurt, and when I feel that rush of hitting my limit of the softer and gentler way, that’s likely when I should double-down on finding that filter instead of just letting the words fly out of my mouth.

Most people are open to hearing the truth, if it’s said in a way that they can receive it. People don’t hear us when we make them wrong. People don’t hear us when when we attack their weakness. People don’t hear us if we’re if we’re telling the truth by making ourselves sound better, or when we assume they don’t understand what we mean. They will typically always hear us when we speak from the heart. That in itself can be the challenge.

Patience is something I work on every day. I have gotten a lot better with it, but when my brain gets it’s gallop going and it’s heading toward the finish line, patience can fly right out the window, and anyone that slows me down or gets in my way sometimes gets trampled on. It’s in those times I need to speak the way I would want to be spoken to. Even if I may be in the right with the truth I am saying, I need to make sure I am carefully choosing my words and the delivery of how I’m saying it or I can be just as wrong. In fact, many times, the moment someone feels spoken down to, criticized or judged they will likely shut you out, and no amount of truth will be getting in once that happens.

We may be right, but it’s not just about being right, it’s about telling the truth in the right way, in a way that can be heard, and a way that you would want to hear it. It’s then, that a conversation can take place, and progress is able to happen in that area. Also, making sure that we’re not holding back our truth until we just can’t anymore and it just come blurting out. Saying it in the moment, or when it’s appropriate, and not just appropriate for us. When we hold back the truth that frustration, resentment or anger can grow and when it finally lands on our lips it can come across much harsher than it was every meant to be, so making sure we are speaking up when we should, so that fire doesn’t burn both of you later on. Work on speaking from your heart, and thinking of the other person as a part of yourself, from that place the truth is often a lot easier to digest. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to be quite direct when speaking our truth? Do you speak your truth in the moment or wait until you can’t hold it in anymore? What is the result of that? How can you improve or shorten the time it takes for you to express your truth? Are people generally open to hearing your truth? If yes, why do you think that is? If no, why do you think that is? What can you do to change your delivery so people may be more receptive to the truth? How do you like to hear the truth? Do you like to hear the truth? Take into consideration how you best receive the truth and work on sending out the truth that way, there may always be someone who isn’t receptive to hearing it, but when we are able to to say it in a way that they don’t feel attacked, they may be better able to recieve what you say.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Hear Your Own Complaints

I know for myself that no matter how bad I might complain about something, or feel that something is, it never warrants me going to back to the way I lived my life before. As I always remind myself, my worst days today are still better than my best days back then, but my mind can try to convince me when I’m angry, lonely or tired, that how I’m feeling in that moment will not change, I’m grateful to know that it will. Life ebbs and it flows, nothing lasts forever, things always passes, and I know, from talking to those who have slid back to their old way of life, that there is nothing good waiting for me there, and likely what is waiting is worse than where I left it, and it was really bad. I need to put things into perspective and use the experience I’ve had on this path to remind myself to stay right where I am and not go back, and  any thoughts of going back are my illness trying to lure me back to where I came from, they’re not truths. No burdens, disappointments, blows to my pride or ego, or loss is worth going back to my old way of life. And if I harbor those thoughts and not let them go I’m at risk of sliding back, so I know I have to learn to live life as it comes, to not get stuck in negative thinking and to let go of anything that could potentially pull me back, recognizing that my complaining could be the gateway to the way I used to be.

It is up to us to keep ourselves in check, to stay positive, live in the light, and to stay in gratitude, no matter what is going on. Ultimately, even when we’re going through things that challenge us, we still have many things to be grateful for, so when I find myself in one of those places I know I need to double-down on my gratitude and focus on the positive, from that place I know I won’t slide back, and from that place I can keep track of what’s really important in my life and not what my head tells me is. I also have to be aware of the patterns of my thinking, what triggers those negative thoughts and sets me off in the wrong direction, and listen for those same complaints, and that tone I’ve heard before, always remembering that as I’ve gotten better, my illness or disease has been learning what I have, so it’s using that information and trying to find the work-around while I’m working to stay well and continue to grow.

It’s important to listen to ourselves and our own complaints. To recognize the ones we’ve heard before, or even the tone of our complaining to identify what may be setting us off in that direction. We are typically so quick to judge others when they complain but we don’t call ourselves out in the same way and pin-point the true source of the problem, which may be, that there is no problem, sometimes we make problems when there aren’t any because we’re more used to having them than not, and it’s uncomfortable to live without them, but we must learn. We always need to be rigorously honest with ourselves, about ourselves, to make sure we stay on the path that allows us to be our best selves. When we listen, we learn, and when we have knowledge, we are can do anything. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you listen or take notice when you complain? When you find yourself in that place, where does it lead you? Does your mind take you back to a darker time? How can you prevent yourself from going there? What are the warning signs that you’re headed there? How can you keep yourself in the light and in a place of gratitude? Finding the gratitude in your life will keep you in the light, even when you may be going through a dark time, it’s that gratitude that will keep the light burning in your life and light your way back to your path.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

We Do What We Know

We are only as good as the information that have been passed down to us. The information we’ve observed. And the information we’ve sought out. But many of us don’t seek out other ways of doing things because we usually think we have all the information we need. Many times we don’t. What may have worked for our parents, or theirs, or the people around us, may not work for us, yet we continue to try the ways of those other people and wonder why things are so difficult. Or, we know something isn’t working and we continue to do it anyway, trying to will it into working when it never will work. I can personally attest to that. My life before wasn’t working. I wasn’t happy and until things got to a place where I had to make some changes, some major changes, to save my life, I wasn’t willing to seek out a new way of doing things.

Up until that point I never even questioned how or why I would do the things I would. I was living with undiagnosed mental illness and trying to do things the way other people around me where doing them, or, how it appeared they were, through my warped sense of perspective. I also didn’t realize then that what we see on the outside, very often, does not reflect what’s going on on the inside for someone. I know it didn’t for me, and it didn’t occur to me that many of the people I came into contact with every day may also be showing the world one thing, but may be secretly struggling with something internally. Yet, I would continue to judge myself based on what was being presented. Using that as my guidelines, I wasn’t ever going to get any better.

When I made the decision to get well, I had to throw out most of what I knew. None of that was working and I had to find a new way of life if I wanted to be my best self. It was hard to break those patterns I had established over a lifetime, and to look at the behavior that contributed to me landing on my knees asking for help. Making different choices, new choices, better choices, wasn’t always easy to start, it felt strange and foreign a lot of the time, but I was encouraged to keep making them and if I did, I would see results. I helped to have a strong group of people in my life I could run things by when I wasn’t sure what the next right thing was to do, and sometimes even knowing what the right thing to do was, I would fall back into destructive behaviors from my past. And all of that, was OK. Even when we fall back, we have an awareness of what the better choices was, and, we can make that choice next time. For me, the more I was making better choices, those old choices from my past no longer felt good, I didn’t want to jeopardize the progress I was making, so I was making them less and less.

Until we question if what we’re doing is really best for us, we will do what we know, and what we know may be just the thing that’s standing in our way of happiness and good health. Today is a good time to ask yourself, am I doing what works for me, or am I just doing what I know? The answer may unlock the door to where you are supposed to be. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you look at the way you do things and question it, or just do what you know? When things go wrong, or don’t feel good, do you take that opportunity to look at how you got yourself there? What, in your life, have you changed to suit you that isn’t the way you used to do it, or what you knew? What prompted that change? Are there things in your life that you should also change? What are they? We should always be taking inventory, looking at our lives and asking ourselves what’s working and not working, what would we like to see change and how can we make that change happen? Even when we’ve made changes in the past, those changes might not be current with what we need today. Our lives are always changing and growing, or they should be, so we need to stay on top of what we need today, and what we need to do today to get to where we want to go, and should go.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you