fear

Anger Is A Response To Fear

Might have made you think about that for a moment. It’s been regarded for some time that fear is not a base feeling or emotion. It is something we use to cover up feeling disregarded, unimportant, accused, guilty, untrustworthy, devalued, rejected, powerless, and unlovable. None of those feelings are good, and we certainly don’t want to feel any of those feelings, so many of us, will go to great lengths to cover them up, and anger is one heck of a smokescreen.

Anger can scare people away, get them off the scent of what’s really going on, especially when it seems to come out of nowhere, people can get jolted by, fearful of it, or match that emotion and get angry themselves, it can be contagious, and when everyone is angry the true source of the anger gets lost.

When I think back to who I used to be I got angry a lot. And, when I’m really looking at the source to my anger many times it was to hide what was really going on, because, I figured, no one really wants to deal with an angry person, so people will just leave me alone or just give me what I want so I would go away. That sounds really sad when I see it in black and white. But it’s the truth. I hid behind anger as a shield so I wouldn’t have to look at what was really going on. And what was really going on is that I wasn’t able, or willing, to look at my part in all of the things I was using anger to hide. I wanted to blame everybody else, any thing else, rather than even consider I may be causing myself most of my pain by the decisions and choices I was making. So when I got caught in a place where I had made a bad decision and felt embarrassed by the outcome, I would get mad, angry, to hide my own shame.

It’s funny because now that I no longer allow myself to do that, I see it in others. When someone gets mad or angry I begin to think what might be the actual issue, rather than just jump in and match their anger, or, feel hurt by their actions. Now, I’m human, so there are times I do get hurt in the moment, but I try to peel that back and look into what really may have been going on. It allows me to find some compassion for the other person, and, if they’re willing to talk, find out what the real issue is. For me today, if I suddenly flare up and feel angry, it is my job to look at what is really going on. Now that I no longer live my life in fear, many times it’s base is from a choice I’ve made, that I probably knew was not the best choice, but I made it anyway and now I’m suffering the result of that choice, so, I’m angry. But the right response to those situations should be, lesson learned, I’ll make the right choice next time. Allow myself to feel the frustration of that result, but not let it take over and have power over me letting it escalate to anger.

When we take away anger as a base feeling, it already seems to lessen it’s power and strength over us. And when we feel anger creep in, that’s another time to get out our SLAYER detective hats on and find out what’s really going on. What our anger really is is an opportunity to do better next time, it’s giving us information we need to avoid feeling that way again from the same source, and, we may feel it again from that same source a few times over, I know for me, it usually takes more than once before I get the hint, but, the point is we look for it and we try.

Take away anger’s power, look at it for what it truly is. Change what you can, and accept what you can not. Those are truly the only two antidotes for anger. SLAY on my friends!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let anger get the best of you? Do you find yourself angry and don’t know why? Do you know why and are using anger to hide something? What do you typically use anger to hide? Why do you do that? Is there something you can do so you’re not making the same decisions that get you to anger? What can you change or do differently? When you feel angry, are you able to pinpoint the source of it? Think of the last time you were angry. What was the source of it? And, no, I don’t mean point fingers to someone or something else. What was your part? What can you change for the next time so you don’t find yourself in anger. Take responsibility for actions SLAYER, we all make mistakes, so admit them when you’ve made them, you’ll be surprised how many people will understand, and maybe even help you, when you are honest about who you are and what you’ve done. Anger doesn’t help anyone, and it keeps you in the same cycle you’ve always been in. Break the cycle, kick anger to the curb by changing your path, our actions, the choices you make, and take your power back from anger.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Possibility vs. Comfortability

We all love the possibilities of possibilities. Possibilities are new. Fresh. A place we may have never gone before, or a place, we’ve always wanted to go. And as exciting as possibilities are, they can also be scary, because, of all the same reasons. Those reasons can sometimes paralyze us and keep us in a place of being comfortable instead of taking the chance on something new, even if the place we’ve been comfortable is no longer so. We may also believe that what we deserve is what we have, even if it’s not a good place, because it’s what we know, and where we’ve always been. It takes courage to take action on possibilities because possibilities aren’t a sure thing, and they are a new thing we’ve possibly never conquered.

Speaking from my experience of always have a head full of dreams and, yes, courage to reach for them, but, fear I wasn’t good enough to actually accomplish them, or be worthy of them, I know this tug-of-war all too well. I love the idea of new possibilities, but I wasn’t always confident enough in who I was, or believed I could get them. The place I was, I told myself, was comfortable there, but it was a horrible place, it was a horrible place I knew, so it became comfortable, even though I didn’t want to be there, and, the longer I stayed the harder it was to get out. We often stay in situations because we know it, rather than go after something that is better for us, healthier for us, and where we’re supposed to be. Typically those things, those possible things, aren’t the safe choice, or the easy choice, but they are the choices that make our soul smile, they are the choices that will allow us to be our best selves, our authentic selves. And sometimes, that’s what scares us. Especially when we don’t truly know who we are, and what we deserve. That’s the journey that comes before taking action on all those possibilities, self-awareness, and yes, our favorite, self-love.

For me, once I learned who I was, and learned to love that person, I wasn’t OK with staying comfortable. I wanted to test out the new me on all the possibilities I saw in front of me, or had been dreaming of. Being comfortable didn’t feel comfortable anymore, because I knew if I felt comfortable where I was, I wasn’t learning, growing, or challenging myself enough. It was when I felt uncomfortable that I knew I was in the right place. That might sound a little strange to those of you who are sitting pretty where you are, but trust me, we don’t want to be sitting anywhere, we want to be in motion!

When we constantly challenge ourselves, who we are, and what we’re capable of, the possibilities are endless. Anything can happen. And often does. Just by saying yes and jumping into life, so many possibilities have come my way that would have never crossed my path had I stayed safe and where I was comfortable. It’s about getting out there, walking that high-wire, and knowing you’re safe, that there is a net under you. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? You fall? We’ve all done that before, and we’re all still here to tell the story. It’s in the falling where we learn most, so if you’re falling, you’re doing something right.

Let go of the comfortable and reach for the possibilities, it’s within that journey that we really start to shine, and it’s within that journey that what was once comfortable becomes uncomfortable because we know we deserve more than we have, or something different, because we are now different. Challenge yourself SLAYER, the possibilities are endless.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to stay where you’re comfortable? Why do you do that? How does that help you? How does that hurt you? What possibilities have you not explored because of fear, or not believing you’re worth it? What action can you take this week to go after one of those possibilities? Do it SLAYER. Take some action that makes you feel uncomfortable, but will take you one step closer to the possibilities that you dream about, you just never know, that far out of reach goal, may just be within your grasp.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Weird

I was speaking this week to a group of women and children at a homeless shelter in Los Angeles and a 14-year-old girl came over to talk to me when I was done. I sat down with her and we talked about what was on her mind. I recognized a lot myself in her at that age, and related to what she was saying. One issue we talked about was being labeled weird by some of the kids at her school because she didn’t like the same music that they did. I smiled, remembering that being called weird at that age, and perhaps, any age, can seem like a badge of shame.

I smiled at her and asked her why she didn’t like that word? I asked her what that word meant to her. She said, it means she’s not like everybody else. I asked her why she wanted to be like everybody else rather than who she was. She paused. I told her that I would wear that label like a badge of honor, because it meant she wasn’t following the pack, or the rest of kids just to fit in, she was being true to herself, and that is something that most of those kids probably couldn’t claim as their own.

I’ve written in a previous blog about letting your freak flag fly, and when I say that I’m not saying you are a freak, I’m saying let those things that some may label freaky, or weird, or different, be what sets you apart, be what showcases who you are and what you love, and to never apologize for any of that. I’ve learned along my path that those things that may be weird to the masses are what connect me to the closest people in my life, and the ones I admire and love the most. There is a group out there for everyone, and if groups aren’t your thing, there are certainly individuals who share your interests or way of doing things that will think that weirdness is awsomeness.

Now I remember that at 14 many of us just want to blend in, we don’t want any, what we perceive as, unwanted attention, we want to look like we’re just like everyone else, but really all we’re doing is telling ourselves that our true selves isn’t good enough, and that we should hide who we truly are to be accepted by a group of people who won’t accept us for who we are. It’s easy now for me to see how ludicrous that is, but I was that 14-year-old girl, in fact I was that 14-year-old girl until I was 35 years old and had to accept and learn who I truly was at 35 because my life depended on it, because I had lived those 35 years only ever allowing you all to see who I thought you wanted to see so you wouldn’t ask me any questions, because I feared if you did, you would see how ugly a person I really was, and how unworthy I was.

I shared that with my new friend and she looked at me in disbelief. I smiled again and told her I understood that may seem like a far-fetched tale, but that today I look at all of those “weird” things and I wear them proudly, they are what make me me, and they are the best parts of me, those things that make me smile, set my heart on fire, and, most importantly, make me laugh.

Today if someone would tell me I was just like everybody else I would cringe because I would think I wasn’t sharing my authentic self with them. I was holding back. My flaws, my weirdness, my falls are what connect me to all of you, they are what we have in common, they are what make me, and all of us, uniquely us, because life is messy, life is unpredictable, life is about trying new things and celebrating what we love, and even though we may share commonalities, no one is us, no one is me, and, no one is you. Be weird, be brave, be your authentic you, without fear, and if someone tells you you’re weird, thank them, because in my book, that is one of the biggest compliments anyone can give me, because it means I am being myself today.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Have you ever been called weird? What does that word mean to you? Is it negative? Why? Can you find the positive in that word? If not, why not? Does it take you back to being a kid? What has been your experience with the word? Was it a word used to bully you? How does it make you feel now? What about yourself would others think is weird? What do you think is weird? Do you still feel ashamed of those things, or feel you need to hide them? What if you didn’t? What if you took that word back and looked at it as a positive word, a compliment even, what if you celebrated all the things you thought, or others have thought, were weird? Do it SLAYER, celebrate your weird, smile, and know that is what makes you you, maybe even the best parts. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Our White Lies Don’t Protect Us, They Damage Us

I used to tell little white lies, and some big ones too, and tell myself I was telling them to make things easier, to not hurt someone’s feelings, or to protect myself from someone else, but all I was really doing was looking for an excuse not to tell the truth, and by not telling the truth I was not only damaging those relationships, but I was damaging myself. I was also living a life that was not based in truth. My life, then, was based in fear. Fear of missing out, fear of loosing what I had, fear that you wouldn’t like me, fear I wouldn’t get what I wanted, fear I wasn’t good enough, fear of…well, fear. So when a life is ruled by fear, the truth, is not the first thing that comes to mind. My life was built on so many half-truths, or white lies, that it constantly felt like a house of cards that was about to tumble to the ground at any moment. That feeling, that life I built for myself, kept me in a steady state of manipulating the truth. I twisted the facts to suit my needs, to tell the story I wanted to tell, one that always favored me, because in my mind, the chips were stacked against me, so why shouldn’t I try to level the playing field? What this thinking, and this way of life got me, was more and more fear. To the point where I couldn’t keep track of all the lies anymore so I retreated and hide by myself, alone in the darkness.

When I stepped on this path, this path of light, this path, had no room for lies, only the truth. That scared me. But I had lived so long not telling the truth, a path that led nearly lead me to my death, that I knew it was time to start telling the truth. As terrified as I was, I knew, my life depended on it. I started with the friends and family who meant the most to me, I just let it all out. Shared my truth. I wasn’t worried about what they would think of me, I just knew I had stop hiding, so I jumped in, full throttle. The response was positive, supportive, and that felt good, but I knew I had to keep going. I had to make this my new way of life if it was going to work, going to stick, and if I was going to continue to heal, continue to grow.

When we tell white lies it chips away at our self-respect, we tell ourselves that our truth isn’t good enough, and that we are not good enough. And if we can’t be truthful about ourselves we start to suspect others are doing the same, believing that they are lying to us, or trying to manipulate us, as we are to them. It’s a vicious cycle. And one that doesn’t end unless we stop and start telling the truth. If we can’t trust ourselves and our truth, how can we trust anyone else? That trust, that truth, starts with us. In fact, it’s all we really do have control over, we don’t really know truly what someone else’s truth is, but we control how we share ours, that we share ours, and so no matter what happens, we know we’ve been truthful and that we have nothing to hide, and when we find that place of truth for ourselves, we find self-respect, we find self-love, we find self-worth. We also find our relationships get stronger, and those that don’t, were perhaps, weren’t built on truth in the first place, but the real relationships, those lasting relationships we all desire, those, those get stronger.

I’ve learned on my journey that telling the truth really is much easier. Even during those times when I think it will be hard, I’ve always found that when I share the truth, or my truth, most times, it’s received far better than what I had anticipated, and if it isn’t received well, that’s some useful information to have. Most people prefer us to be honest with them, certainly anyone in my life surely does, and I them, so start to practice being honest in your life, even those little white lies we think can’t hurt anyone, hurt us most of all, but chipping away at who we are and what we stand for. Always stand tall and tell your truth, you never know, one day, your life might depend on it.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find yourself telling little white lies? Why do you think you do this? What’s the last one you told? Why did you tell it instead of the truth? How do you think it helped you? How do you think it hurt you? Do you think the person you told it to would be upset if they found out? Would you be upset if you found out someone had told the same lie to you? Are you in fear of being found out? When you tell a lie how does that make you feel? How does it make you feel to tell the truth? I challenge you SLAYER, to tell the truth this week, to walk through your fear of being honest and see how that changes you, how that makes you feel. Be you. And, SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

How You Talk To Yourself Matters

Would you allow anyone else to talk to you the way you talk to yourself? If the answer is no, your self-talk needs to change. The way we talk to ourselves directly affects every aspect of our lives. Our relationships, our success in business, our own personal development. As a reformed negative self-talker I can tell you, tearing yourself down, or apart, will only keep you down, or help you to slide further down into the darkness.

From as far back as I can remember I always talked down to myself. I always felt different, less than, awkward in social situations, I hated school and always felt uncomfortable, so when I didn’t reach my own expectations, which I often set at a level that was unattainable, I would tear myself apart for not being good enough. That behavior didn’t change as I got older, and the more time I put into speaking to myself in a negative way the more I believed it as truth. I also, sometimes unconsciously, would set myself up to fail to continue that narrative. I would viciously attack myself in away that no one else could, because, I wouldn’t let them. So, why did I allow myself?

It all goes back to self-love. Oh yeah SLAYERS, we’ve doubled-back to that again, that’s not going away, but, that really is the negative self-talk antidote. My negative self-talk nearly cost me my life, so it was imperative for me to learn how to talk to myself in a more loving way. They’ve done studies, with plants, where they’ve put a label that says love on one plant and hate on the other.  Loving words are said to the plant with the love label on it and say negative things to the other. They are watered just the same, but the plant with the hate label eventually dies while the love plant flourishes. It’s not any different with people. The more we tear ourselves down the more we die inside, and the more we speak to ourselves in a loving way, the more we flourish. No one is perfect, no one gets it right all the time, so why do you expect yourself to? We learn when we fail, we learn the most when we fail, that’s all part of the journey, so why not love yourself through that journey? If someone you cared about failed, would you berate them or cheer them on? You’d cheer them on, so why not do the same for yourself? In fact, we should cheer even louder when we fail, we should cheer that we tried, we should cheer that we keep trying, we should cheer because we should always cheer for ourselves. When I fail, or don’t meet an expectation I had, now, I counter that with saying something loving to myself, something I do like about myself, something I am grateful for. I practice some contrary action, which I’ve talked about before, so, even if some negative thoughts creep into my head, I change my thinking to something positive. It works. I also practice that when someone else upsets me, to move past it and not dwell in the act, I try to find something I like about that person and from that place, can usually find some compassion for them so I don’t sit in a resentment, something I can’t afford to do.

No one should be a bigger cheerleader for ourselves than ourselves. And we can be by practicing self-love. Life is hard enough without us being hard on ourselves, so give yourself a break and break out some encouragement and care when it comes to the words you choose to use on yourself. Next time you find yourself saying negative things, stop, and say something positive, something you would want someone to say to you, or, you would say to a someone you care about deeply, those are the words you should be saying and you can, it just takes the effort to stop the negative and turn it around into something positive. I know you can do it SLAYER, in fact, I’m positive you can.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you talk negatively to yourself? What do you say? Why do you say it? How do you think it helps you? How do you think it hurts you? Looking at your last answer, why do you make the choice to hurt yourself? Would you let anyone else speak to yourself this way? So why do you allow yourself? We believe what we say, so why not say positive things and lift yourself up rather than tear yourself down. Say those things to yourself that you would want to hear, and if you need a cheat sheet, write down 5 things you like about yourself on a piece of paper, fold it up and put it in your wallet, and the next time you start to say negative things to yourself, take out that list, and read it out loud to yourself, until you start to believe them. It’s time to stop the negative self-talk and start some positive self-love. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You are exactly where you are supposed to be. It doesn’t mean you are meant to stop here, but it does mean you are meant to learn here.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Trust The Process

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! A miracle can be the shift in perception of fear into love, dark into light.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Miracle 2 (1)

Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes

Why are we so averse to change? Well, we’re certainly not averse to the circumstances changing in our lives that we don’t like, we just don’t want to have to change to change it. Therein lies the rub. Change starts with us. In order for anything in our lives to change, we have to make changes in order for that to happen. Did that just make you break out in hives?

Change used to make my anxiety level shoot up immediately. I hated change. I can still sometimes be resistant to it, but now it’s more about when a website changes its interface and I can’t find anything, or a favorite restaurant changes its menu and gets rid of my favorite dish, why do they do things like that? I have learned on my journey so far that I need to make the changes I want to see happen, I need to do the footwork, without that nothing changes.

I used to live my life in this constant cycle of same. One day just like the next because I kept doing the same things. I hated where I was, but I only knew one thing and I stayed there, just spinning my wheels to insanity because every day was just like the last. I kept thinking that life would just change it for me, by somehow just wishing for it, without any more effort from me than that. Well, if that’s you I’ve got a newsflash for you, it won’t change, and if it does, it’s probably for the worse, not better. You have the power to make a change and to set your life in a new direction. When I did that for myself, for me, it was reaching out for help, that act set the course of my life into one of recovery, of hope, of better choices, of self-love and healing, that one act of change changed the entire direction of my life, which as lead me right here.

Knowing what the power of change has done for me, I now look at change as a powerful act, something I can do because it’s within my control, I can choose to make different choices, better choices, I can make choices that are loving to myself, that honor myself, and when I do that, my life always changes for the better. Instead of looking at it as work, I now look at it as taking my power back instead of acting like a victim of life, I can make positive changes that will take me in the direction that I want to go, life will always do it’s dance, but if we can change our steps or learn some new dance moves, we can learn to dance along with it, even if we get knocked down from time to time, when we fall, we learn, and we make different choices the next time that same dance comes our way.

If we are not changing, we are not learning, we are not challenging ourselves, and testing what we are capable of, what we believe we deserve, and showing the universe we are willing to do the work to get it. When we demonstrate our willingness to change, the universe listens. And sometimes it starts right there, just by being willing, even before we are ready for the act, just the consideration of it can bring about change.

We all have sat in a state of frustration and thought, when are things going to change, they’re going to change when you do, so why not start today? What’s stopping you SLAYER?

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you averse to change? Why do you think that is? What about change scares you, or makes you uncomfortable? What do you think your biggest roadblock is to change? How do you think you can overcome that? In the past, have there been instances where you have made a change and the result was different? Site those examples. Do you see that you making the change or changes caused things in your life to change? What stops you today from making changes? What in your life today, that you have control over, can you change to live your life in a healthier happier way? What’s stopping you? I challenge you SLAYER to be open to that change, to consider it, and of course, to take the necessary steps to make that change for you. Find it in you to overcome your fear to change, and make that fear less than the fear of staying the same. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

If You Show Up As Yourself, You Are Worthy

I was just sharing this the other day, that years ago, when I was experiencing a lot of success in my career, I never allowed myself to truly enjoy it because I didn’t think I was worthy of it. Not that I didn’t have the skills, not that I wasn’t working hard enough, and it wasn’t that I hadn’t earned my place, but deep down I thought of myself as less-than and a fraud, so I was always worried the other shoe was going to drop, that I was going to be found out and everything I had worked for was going to be taken away. When I think about who I was then, those thoughts that used to run around in my head, those thoughts I believed, it makes me sad, and truthfully, sometimes, on a bad day, those thoughts do come back, but I know now that anytime I show up as my authentic self, I am worthy, I am worthy of anything and everything.

It takes a lot of guts to show up as ourselves sometimes. To say, hey, this is me, this is who I am, and not worry what people think of us, not let someone else’s opinion change who we really are, or what we’re capable of. For me, it took a lot of work to get to that place, to unravel that self-doubt, self-hatred, and the self-destructive actions of my past, but it’s possible to do it, and the result of that work outweighs any work it may take. You see, the secret is that when we are ourselves that is when we shine, that is when magic happens, when we share our true selves and our true passion to those around us, when we share the true us, we let people see the beauty in us. and no matter what comes from that, you are worthy, you are great, you are special, and no one can take that away from you. People are entitled to opinions, and everyone has one, but if you are true to yourself, one person’s opinion doesn’t matter, you let out everything you got, everything that makes you you, that is the bravest act we can take.

For me, from a young age I was always afraid to let people see the real me. I hide behind who I thought you wanted me to be, and every time I did that a little part of the real me died, it was like a confirmation to myself that I wasn’t good enough, and that if people got to see the real me that they wouldn’t like me. I got so good at it, well, I made it a career, but I lost sight of who I truly was, I had stuffed it down so far, under so much junk, that it lay there, like garbage that I trampled all over. When I finally found the courage to ask for help, to find out who I truly was, it scared me, because I realized I didn’t know. But I found a way to make it exciting. I was going to find out for, probably, the first time in my life. I was actually going to get to know the real me. It wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns, I had to address some bad behaviors and habits, things I had accumulated over the years as a way, or so I thought, to protect myself, I had hurt some people, I had lied to some people, and most importantly, I had done damage to myself. But at the core of who I found was someone I was proud of, someone who made me laugh, someone I could cheer on, someone, I learned to love.

Now I don’t worry about what others think of me, as long as what I am and who I am is authentically me. Me, showing up, and sharing my truth, my talent, my heart makes me worthy, as it does you, and only you can allow yourself to feel that worthiness, no one else can truly give that to you, not so you feel it in your center, only you can do that for  yourself.

If you are struggling today with who you are, go on a finding expedition and figure it out. Put on your SLAYER detective hat and get to work on figuring out the greatest mystery of them all, who you truly are. Once you have, never apologize for what you find, for what makes you you, and for being proud of that. If you stand up as just yourself, that is more worth more than anything someone can give you, you are worthy. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: When you think of yourself do you feel you are worthy of the things you would like for yourself? Do you think you deserve good things? If not, why not? When you have accomplished something do you allow yourself to celebrate you and what you’ve done? If not, why not? Is there something or someone in your past that has told you, or showed you, that you are not worthy? Write down that incident or incidents. Have you told yourself that you are not worthy? Why do you feel this way? Whatever has happened in your past, you are not what’s happened to you, you are here today, and today you have the choice to start a new way of thinking, a new direction, a new life. Let go of what has been holding you back, what has been telling you lies, and take a step on a path of self-love and worthiness. Your foot may be a little shaky at first, but if you keep trudging forward, soon you’ll be walking tall and inspiring those around you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Be Gentle With Others When You Are Hurt

When we are hurt, our automatic defense many times is to lash out and hurt someone else, even of they have nothing to do with the reason we’re hurt in the first place. It’s easy to make someone the target of our anger, fear, or pain, but, that is when we need to practice contrary action, take a breath, and be gentle to those around us, just as we would want others to be gentle with us.

I’ve spoken about this before, how a friend, who helped me tremendously at the start of my journey, commented that I had a barbed tongue, and I still can, I just try to cut that barbed wire now before it can hurt somebody, but every once in a while, it still manages to lash out. That barbed tongue is fast, and it’s viscous. It used to be something I was really proud of. Something I had honed over the years to protect myself. Something that always brought about the desired results, to be left alone. Really I wanted everyone to leave me alone to suffer in silence, in isolation, because that’s what I thought I deserved, and if I pushed everyone away, no one was going to discover how deeply damaged I really was. There, also, was a part of me that, the really damaged part, wanted others to feel as bad as I did, that wanted others to suffer, especially those who I thought valued me less than themselves, or, who I deemed had too much good going on in their lives, I played judge and jury and thought it was my right to knock them down a peg or two. That sounds really disgusting to see that in print now, but it’s the truth.

But here’s the real truth, when we are feeling down, when we are angry, when we are feeling less than, it’s important that we are gentle with those around us, to acknowledge the place we’re in, and to also not forget to be gentle with ourselves. Oh yes, we also need to practice gentleness towards ourselves, in fact, when we practice being gentle with ourselves we find it much easier to practice it with others, and, even find some compassion for them. When we recognize our own feelings, moods, and needs, when can then take action to find a solution to them, or at least take action to ease the pain or frustration, and when we can identify that in our own behavior, it gives us a window into those around us, we start to recognize those same feelings, moods, and angers in others, so even when we don’t feel like being kind, or someone isn’t with us, if we’re living in a state of gentleness, we can be gentle back, or at the very least, walk away and not engage so we’re not adding to their pain, and ours.

Here’s another truth about acting gentle towards others when we’re hurt. When we practice doing this our own hurt diminishes. True. When we are kind to someone else, we get out of our own head, our own problems, worries, anger, we shift the focus off of us and onto doing something kind for someone else, and low and behold, our own mood shifts, things become lighter, brighter, better. I know that may sound crazy to you other barbed-tongued SLAYERS, but it’s absolutely true, and, I challenge you to try it. It’s also a fantastic way to break your pattern, to change the direction of what you’ve always done, and create a new trajectory for yourself. It’s kind of the stop, drop and roll of anger management, instead of just igniting in a flurry of flames, or anger, stop, drop and roll, breath, take that breath, and then respond. Our breath is the fire extinguisher of anger, it will put out the flames every time. Practice compassion towards yourself, and towards others that come across your path, you’ll find yourself in far fewer altercations, and you might just start to identify with what connects you to those people on your path, and those connections, keep us in the light.

SLAY OF THE DAY: When you are in anger or in pain do you lash out at those around you? How do you do this? Do you feel badly afterwards? How does it make you feel? Do you apologize? How can you stop yourself from getting into those situations in the first place? Have you ever considered being gentle when you know you are not in a good place? How have you practiced this? How do you feel differently when you’ve practiced gentleness over when you’ve lashed out? How can you, SLAYER, practice gentleness this week? What steps can you take to ensure that you are taking responsibility for your actions? Be kind, be gentle, and remember that goes for you too. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you