Might have made you think about that for a moment. It’s been regarded for some time that fear is not a base feeling or emotion. It is something we use to cover up feeling disregarded, unimportant, accused, guilty, untrustworthy, devalued, rejected, powerless, and unlovable. None of those feelings are good, and we certainly don’t want to feel any of those feelings, so many of us, will go to great lengths to cover them up, and anger is one heck of a smokescreen.
Anger can scare people away, get them off the scent of what’s really going on, especially when it seems to come out of nowhere, people can get jolted by, fearful of it, or match that emotion and get angry themselves, it can be contagious, and when everyone is angry the true source of the anger gets lost.
When I think back to who I used to be I got angry a lot. And, when I’m really looking at the source to my anger many times it was to hide what was really going on, because, I figured, no one really wants to deal with an angry person, so people will just leave me alone or just give me what I want so I would go away. That sounds really sad when I see it in black and white. But it’s the truth. I hid behind anger as a shield so I wouldn’t have to look at what was really going on. And what was really going on is that I wasn’t able, or willing, to look at my part in all of the things I was using anger to hide. I wanted to blame everybody else, any thing else, rather than even consider I may be causing myself most of my pain by the decisions and choices I was making. So when I got caught in a place where I had made a bad decision and felt embarrassed by the outcome, I would get mad, angry, to hide my own shame.
It’s funny because now that I no longer allow myself to do that, I see it in others. When someone gets mad or angry I begin to think what might be the actual issue, rather than just jump in and match their anger, or, feel hurt by their actions. Now, I’m human, so there are times I do get hurt in the moment, but I try to peel that back and look into what really may have been going on. It allows me to find some compassion for the other person, and, if they’re willing to talk, find out what the real issue is. For me today, if I suddenly flare up and feel angry, it is my job to look at what is really going on. Now that I no longer live my life in fear, many times it’s base is from a choice I’ve made, that I probably knew was not the best choice, but I made it anyway and now I’m suffering the result of that choice, so, I’m angry. But the right response to those situations should be, lesson learned, I’ll make the right choice next time. Allow myself to feel the frustration of that result, but not let it take over and have power over me letting it escalate to anger.
When we take away anger as a base feeling, it already seems to lessen it’s power and strength over us. And when we feel anger creep in, that’s another time to get out our SLAYER detective hats on and find out what’s really going on. What our anger really is is an opportunity to do better next time, it’s giving us information we need to avoid feeling that way again from the same source, and, we may feel it again from that same source a few times over, I know for me, it usually takes more than once before I get the hint, but, the point is we look for it and we try.
Take away anger’s power, look at it for what it truly is. Change what you can, and accept what you can not. Those are truly the only two antidotes for anger. SLAY on my friends!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let anger get the best of you? Do you find yourself angry and don’t know why? Do you know why and are using anger to hide something? What do you typically use anger to hide? Why do you do that? Is there something you can do so you’re not making the same decisions that get you to anger? What can you change or do differently? When you feel angry, are you able to pinpoint the source of it? Think of the last time you were angry. What was the source of it? And, no, I don’t mean point fingers to someone or something else. What was your part? What can you change for the next time so you don’t find yourself in anger. Take responsibility for actions SLAYER, we all make mistakes, so admit them when you’ve made them, you’ll be surprised how many people will understand, and maybe even help you, when you are honest about who you are and what you’ve done. Anger doesn’t help anyone, and it keeps you in the same cycle you’ve always been in. Break the cycle, kick anger to the curb by changing your path, our actions, the choices you make, and take your power back from anger.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
2 thoughts on “Anger Is A Response To Fear”
“I hid behind anger as a shield so I wouldn’t have to look at what was really going on. And what was really going on is that I wasn’t able, or willing, to look at my part in all of the things I was using anger to hide.”
– I’ve been angry for a very long time. Going through this journey; it started with dealing with some of the anger I felt and the resentment I felt in the past. Whether real or imagined – I was taught to emotionally repress myself and that I wasn’t allowed to be angry or hurt or sad or upset – this has been something I’ve been unlearning. It’s okay to be sad and upset with myself. It’s okay to be afraid of being rejected and it’s okay to not share the same opinions as others as longas I love myself and out of my love forgive myself.
“For me today, if I suddenly flare up and feel angry, it is my job to look at what is really going on.”
– Having ignored the part of me for so long that gets angry or if I’m annoyed; I look for physical signs. Sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint when I start getting angry. Lately I’ve come to realize when I’m highly tense or there’s almost this break or static in my thinking where instead of being present, a part of me has disengaged then I start to yell. I’m starting to recognize that as a sign which is a complete breakthrough for me.
“What our anger really is is an opportunity to do better next time, it’s giving us information we need to avoid feeling that way again from the same source, and, we may feel it again from that same source a few times over, I know for me, it usually takes more than once before I get the hint, but, the point is we look for it and we try.”
– That is what I’m learning and re-learning this entire weekend. No, the past several months since September-October last year.
SLAY OF THE DAY`: ” Think of the last time you were angry. What was the source of it?”
– I was feeling helpless, rejected, dejected and completely alone. The source of it was feeling so sad and small within myself knowing full well that I could just break free from the grasp of the void if I just started using some of my tools from my tool box that I neglected. Because I felt terrible for neglecting that part of me that needed to be nourished with forgiveness and love, I had to take it out on the world. Partially because it was triggered by circumstances beyond my control that I possibly took way too personally.
“What can you change for the next time so you don’t find yourself in anger. Take responsibility for actions SLAYER, we all make mistakes, so admit them when you’ve made them, you’ll be surprised how many people will understand, and maybe even help you, when you are honest about who you are and what you’ve done.”
– Breathe. I tell this to others because I know inwardly I tell this to myself. Lately I’ve gotten a mantra every time I feel annoyed, frustrated and angry and that is: ‘Be kind’. Be kind. Be compassionate, take a step back, Put myself into the other person’s situation, put myself into the shoes of peace where I can look at my feelings objectively and figure out how I can cheer myself on. How can I forgive myself? What does it mean to be kind to myself? I have begun using those two words now plus the word breathe and it helps me a little bit. Then I look at my list of names of people who do love me and I go from there. It’s so unbelievably tough escaping the grasp of the rage I feel sometimes. However, I’m going to slay the day and take control and responsibility for my feelings. My feelings are not the facts. The facts are the facts. The feelings interpret the facts but can still lose the translation.
As always, love your blogs. Thank you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It takes time, as you said, to unlearn what we’ve been taught, or what we’ve used throughout our lives to get by or, what we’ve thought, to protect ourselves. Being kind to yourself is not beating up on yourself when you “don’t get it right the first time, or first few times, be patient, it takes time to change a behavior, but the fact that you’re recognizing the need for a change or shift, is already a victory, keep going, it’s about the journey not the destination.