acceptance

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving you shame.

SLAY on!

state-of-slay Grace To Live

Living In Grace, Not Mercy

My life before was one based in fear. I was in fear of what was to come, I was in fear of what I had done and I was constantly asking for forgiveness and mercy when I had no intention of changing or following through on what I had promised. I walked with my head down, and felt that everyone I passed knew what I really was. I was ashamed and didn’t think I even deserved the mercy I was seeking. The burden and consequences of the choices I had made weighed me down like I had lead sewn into the lining of all my clothes. Until one night I was offered some grace.

That grace came as a result of me doing something I had never done, I surrendered. I admitted defeat and asked for help. It was in that moment that I was given grace. I wasn’t sure I wholeheartedly deserved it, or could accept it, but I did the best I could to take it, hold it close to my heart and step into the unknown. I worked to let go of the thinking of my past, believing that I only deserved bad things, that I was a bad person and that my only way out was asking for mercy. None of that was true, and the truth was, I always had a way out, I just have to find the courage to leave. Once I did I had some work to do to believe I deserved the grace I was given. I had to let go of the notion that I could control everything, I was never really able to, no one is, but I would attempt it every day to the brink of exhaustion and insanity. I had to learn how to forgive, starting with myself, but those who I had blamed for all my misfortune, I had to take responsibility for my part and I had to find compassion for those, who like me, where sick in some way, who’s actions may not have been right, but were limited by their own illnesses and self. To allow myself to dwell on my negative thoughts and emotions was a sure-fire way to fall back into the darkness I was working so hard to climb out of. I was not able to change the past, but I was, and am, able to create the future. That is what I had to focus on. I had to learn to have faith and to trust that what was in front of me was there to help me, to teach me and to guide me to where I was meant to be. I had to let go of what I thought things should look like and accept them as they were, and are. I had to learn to be thankful and grateful, even on days when I didn’t feel so. It was important for me to keep my thoughts positive and even if I could only think of one thing, I kept that one thing in my heart until I could think of more. And in doing so I was able to start expecting the best, looking for the good instead of the dark doom and gloom of my past. When I looked for the good, I found the good, even if it was the smallest good, it was there, and from there it kept growing the more I looked and nurtured it.

Today I aim to live in grace, and know I deserve to. I allow myself to be seen just as I am, flaws and all, and am able to share my journey from mercy to grace with others so that they may start their own, or, may be encouraged on their path. I have nothing to fear from my past, and nothing to be ashamed of, all of those moments, those choices, that darkness brought me to that moment of grace, and it probably couldn’t have happened any other way, it took that amount of darkness to see the light.

You have a choice of where you live your life, but I highly recommend living in grace, sure, it will probably take some work, it took quite a lot for me, but it was worth each step, each moment, each struggle I was able to overcome so I can stand tall in the light and appreciate all of the beauty in my life, and am able to recognize that it had always been there, even when I couldn’t see it. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you live in grace or mercy? If you live in mercy, describe how. If you live in grace, describe how. Have there been times in your life that you switched one for the other? Describe that time and what happened? What can you do today to live in grace? What do you struggle with? What keeps you from living in grace? We are all worthy of grace, but we have to believe we are, and, it may take some work to get there, and sometimes just by letting go of who you used to be is enough to open the door to your own place of grace.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect, it means you decided to look beyond the imperfections to find your own brand of happy.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Blue Prevent Happiness

Accepting Happiness

We say we want to be happy, but how many of us are not accepting of it when it appears? Or, even know what happiness truly is?

When I was living in the darkness I would say I just wanted to be happy. But my idea of happiness back then, most of the time, was getting what I wanted when I wanted it, something that wasn’t going to happen most of the time, even on the best days. I also had never really asked myself what makes me happy, outside of material things or career goals, I placed all  my happiness in those to areas, the first, which was fleeting because the happiness I first experienced from that material item quickly vanished, and the second, my career, which, for the most part, was out of my control a lot of the time. Those were two tough places to solely make responsible for my happiness, and ultimately, are rather empty.

I realized in my recovery that my happiness was actually contingent on me believing I was deserving of it. Up until that point, as much as I longed to be happy, I didn’t really believe I deserved to be, well, at least that’s what my disease told me, and I had believed it for far too long. It was time to find out what truly made me happy, and what happiness truly was! I set out to find out, and started with the things I was most grateful for, those things made me happy, and using those as a foundation I was able to look for more things, and as I trained my brain to work from a place of gratitude I started to find happiness, for, low and behold, it had always been within my reach, I had just directed it in the wrong places. Even when things were dark, I still had it within my power to find happiness, to let some light in to that dark place with acknowledging the good, even if it was only one good thing, I could let it in, plant it, and let it grow. Knowing that I had the power to accept, have and nurture happiness made me feel good, and I started to look for it everywhere in my life, even in the smallest of things, even just being there for a friend or someone in need. I learned that it was within those selfless acts that I found an unexpected happiness, to have thought or acted outside of myself to show kindness to someone else, and as I did that I became more accepting of happiness in myself, because I knew I deserved it, but I also learned that the more happiness I had, the more I had to share.

We all want to be happy, but what is happiness to you? And, do you believe you are deserving of it? You are, we all are. But if you don’t believe you are you may, like I did, look for it in the wrong places, or not accept it when it’s there. Ask yourself what truly makes you happy, start there, seek more of that, share your happiness with others and watch it grow, you never know, you may one day find yourself, you guessed it, happy! SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you consider yourself happy? What makes you happy? Do you have many things in your life that make you happy? If not, why not? What can you do to find more happiness in your life? Do you have trouble accepting happiness? Do you feel you deserve it? If not, why not? You do SLAYER, we all deserve to be happy, and our happiness is conditional on us believing we should be happy, finding happiness and sharing it. When you find happiness in your life, let it in, and know it’s there because it should be and, you should be happy.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

When Things Seem To Be Falling Apart, They May Be Falling Together

I was reminded yesterday, thanks to Facebook memories, which aren’t always a good thing, but yesterday was a good one, that one year ago yesterday my life changed, a change for the better, and a change that has brought me to this place I am today, gratefully so. Personally, a year go, I was not in a good place, a place that did not serve me, make me happy, or, was good for my spirit, I knew I needed to make a change, and had known for a while, but wasn’t sure what the next step was. An opportunity came, out of the blue, and I jumped at it, not knowing what was waiting for me on the other side. The reasons I thought the opportunity was going to be a good one turned out not to be what I received from it at all, what I received was something better, and unexpected. But it got me thinking today about this topic, when things seem like they’re falling apart, they may be falling together. We only know what we know, which, in the big picture, is very little, but we work with the knowledge we have each day to make the best choices we can. That’s all we can do. Many times we get caught up trying to future surf, trying to imagine or wish for what we would like happen when we should be focusing on what we can change in our present lives to possibly get to that place, or a better place for us. When things don’t go as we would like, or had expected, we can fall into depression, anxiety or fear and let the disappointment of what we had thought our lives, relationship or situation was going to be consume us allowing the negative self-talk to creep in telling us we’re stuck, alone or don’t deserve better, but what we should really be doing is accepting what is not meant to be and being open to what is next.

In my experience, life, very often, doesn’t go as planned, but, it always goes as it is meant to. The highs and especially the lows have all been designed for a reason, and each experience has gotten me right here where I am today. Many times those things I thought I needed or wanted, when I look back, likely saved me from heartache or a situation that may have ultimately lead me down some dark roads. But, I’ve found, when I’ve opened my heart, and asked for direction, told the universe that I am ready for change, ready for new things and ready to take action, it appears. Now, that’s not to say the sky is going to open up revealing the secrets to life, but, when we are open, the signs, the people, the opportunities do come, but we have to make sure that we don’t grab for the same ones we have before and take a chance on something new, something different if we want to see change in our lives. A wise friend used to say to me, “the universe will give us the same present over and over, but in different wrappings, just to see if we’ve learned our lesson or, really mean we’re ready for change,” and that was true for me, probably for you too. How many times have we found ourselves in a place and said, “how did I get here again,” the wrapping may have fooled us and we got the same present we had already unwrapped many times. I try to look for those signs, things that I recognize from past situations that didn’t work or got to me a place I didn’t like, but sometimes we get fooled and tricked into believing that something, or someone, are different. So, when things start to fall apart, start to look at things as they are, not how we think they may be, or want them to be, for what the facts are, and see if there may be a reason for them falling apart.

When I look back over the past year, I had no idea what this weekend was going to mean to me a year later, I just took the opportunity that was in front of me and trusted I was being directed to where I needed to be, and I trusted that it was a place where I could let my heart be open and that it was safe, as a result, something beautiful happened that weekend, something unexpected and my life shifted.

When things don’t seem to be going your way, when relationships are ending or when you just don’t seem to be getting anywhere in your pursuit of things, instead of focusing on what may not be working, ask yourself why it may not working and what it may be showing you, what you perceive as the biggest disaster may just bring you to your greatest achievement, if you let go of what you think things should be and trust where you are being lead. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: When things appear to be falling apart do you fall into despair or trust that you are being led to something new? Have there been examples in your life when things looked to be falling apart but were actually falling together? What’s an example. When you look back on your life do see examples of this happening that you may not have thought were examples of this? Do you look for new opportunities when something ends or falls apart, or do you tend to follow the same patterns and find yourself in the same places over and over? What patterns do you see in your life that you could break for a different or better result? Look for those places SLAYER, to make changes, trust that you are being given what you need to make those changes, and also look for places that may look different, but may be places you’ve already been that didn’t work. Life is a journey, we are here to learn, but ultimately we are given the direction to get to where we are meant to be.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The more you try to control something the more it controls you.

SLAY on!

state-of-slay Control Enjoy Nothing

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You are worth finding, worth knowing, worth loving. You, and all your million layers.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Know Your Worth

Are You On Your Resentment List?

When I was on the path of recovery I was told to make a list of all the people who I thought had harmed me. I vigorously started writing. When I was asked to read it aloud, I was asked why I wasn’t on that list. I stopped and thought about that. I wanted to point the finger at everyone else for the pain and anger I felt, but when I thought about it honestly, no one had caused me more pain than myself, and I had a lot of anger toward myself for not being good enough, in my eyes, so why was I so quick to point the finger elsewhere? It was part of my sickness, that part that uses other things to distract me from what’s really going on. My disease wants to me think everyone else is to blame, because as long as I am pointing the finger outward I’m not going to look inward for a solution. On the flip-side, I also couldn’t focus on myself on that resentment list as a way to bash myself further. I had to find a way to use it to heal and to be accountable for my own actions.

I had always resented myself. In my eyes, I had always failed at being who I wanted to be or thought I should be. I never measured up in my eyes. I spent my life with almost unattainable expectations of myself and when I didn’t meet them I would mentally and verbally beat myself up. I not only resented myself, I hated myself for most of my life. But you would never know it. Outside of some self-deprecating comments, I put on a brave face and an air of “I’m fine,” while I was slowing rotting from the inside from my self-hatred. I talk about “my disease,” it wasn’t until I sought out help that I realized I had one, mental illness is cunning and it hid itself in my life from as far back as I can remember. Learning that I had an illness helped me to find some understanding, and eventually some acceptance and forgiveness for myself. It also helped me to find some new tools to live a life that I can be proud of, and one where I would take responsibility for my actions, instead of pointing my finger elsewhere. I don’t resent myself today, nor do I resent those other people who were on my list back then, because I know that for the most part, I played a part in those relationships, circumstances or altercations I was so upset about, and for those I had no part in, I could see that those people were, and are, fighting their own sicknesses and illnesses, and I can, today, find some compassion there, and in some cases, even relate to their struggle.

Beating ourselves up for past mistakes, or for being less than what we think we should be doesn’t make things any better, it never will, all it will do is keep us down, keep us sick, and keep us from reaching our full potential. Learning to love ourselves is the greatest gift we can offer to our heart and our spirit, finding those things we love about ourselves and celebrating that, not what we don’t like. Find more of what you do like, find the good in you and what makes you you, what makes you special, and you are special SLAYER, we all are in our own way, reach deep inside and find the light that is your special light and let it shine, not only out in the world to share with others, but shine it back at you and heal your hurt. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you resent yourself? If so, why? Do you have resentments towards others? Why? What, within those resentments, did you play a part in? If you had no part, can you identify the sickness in those people that may have caused them to act a certain way? Has an illness affected the way you’ve acted, is there something you’re struggling with and working to overcome? We all have our own battles SLAYER, it is important to love ourselves through our difficulties and also those around us, to find some understanding of what others may also be struggling with, and to not engage and put ourselves in situations that may harm us, or others, because it’s something we want or are trying to force into happening. Honor yourself, and those around you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Bringing Love To Your Wounds

Often times we are the ones who hurt ourselves the most. And even in times when someone else may be hurting us, we allow them to do it, whether directly or indirectly, by engaging with that person or putting ourselves in the situation to begin with. But, most times we are the ones who do the most damage to ourselves, we suffer the most by our own hand. Sometimes we do it by not giving ourselves credit for something we’ve achieved, by punishing ourselves for doing something wrong or not knowing better, for missing an opportunity, missing a deadline, or not speaking up for ourselves. We continue to bully ourselves for these things and keep picking away at a wound that is already there. We get ourselves into a viscous cycle of self-attack, self-defense, self-imposed guilt, and self-imposed blame. But it’s important to seek out the right within the wrong, or even question whether the act was “wrong” in the first place and not merely just a chance to learn or do it better next time. This journey, this path, we are on is about learning and growing, if we all knew everything and did everything perfectly every time, none of us would know how great it feels to find success after a previous failure. It’s those “failures” that build our strength and show us who we are, if we’re able to use them as tools to build a better us.

Before setting out on a path of recovery, I only focused on what I thought was bad about myself, or inadequate. I had a constant loop in my head telling myself what and who I was not. When someone would compliment me I would quickly point out why I didn’t deserve the compliment and shoot it down. I would beat myself up for having a lack of clarity and or for indecisiveness, which many times came from fear of doing what I really wanted, that I labeled it as a sign of weakness. I could tell you all the things I was not, but I couldn’t tell you why, and the reason I couldn’t was because in reality it wasn’t true, it was a narrative I would tell myself to keep myself sick, to keep myself isolated from those around me and to prevent myself from achieving what I was too afraid to believe I deserved.

It wasn’t until I found the courage to see the right beneath the wrong that things started to change. I had to change my thinking and I had to learn to trust myself. That shift happened by learning to take a compliment, and if I truly didn’t believe I deserved it, to just say thank you, not talk back and try to take it away. I was taught that when I argued and said I didn’t deserve it, that I was actually telling that person they were wrong, or a liar, and that wasn’t something I wanted to do, so a simple thank you helped me through that to start. I learned to trust myself by doing trustworthy things, to be accountable for my actions and words, and be open to the belief that I deserved good things, so when they came my way I could humbly smile and say OK. All of these baby steps took time, along with others, that slowly helped me let go of my self-imprisonment and learn to let myself live, mistakes and all. I had to learn to bring love to my wounds, and it was that love that would eventually let them heal.

We often focus on all the things we think are wrong with us, what we lack, but what if, just for today, you offered yourself some love and acceptance so you can move beyond what you may not have been to what you can do. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you focus on what you think your shortcomings are? Is that all you see? Why? When was the last time you let yourself take credit for something? Do you take compliments from others easily? If not, why not? Do you give compliments to others? How does that make you feel? How do you feel if someone doesn’t accept your compliment? Do you see how when you don’t accept a compliment yourself that the other person may feel that same way? What if today you focused on all the things you are instead of what you’re not, and see how that focus may change your day, you never know SLAYER, you may just try it again the next day just to make sure you were right.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Family isn’t always blood, it’s those people we choose to have in our lives who want us in theirs, who accept us for who we are, and would do anything to see us smile.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Friends and Family