rigorously honest

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You are not your mistakes, they are what you did, not who you are.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Still Standing

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! We are what we say and do, not what we intend to do.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Walk Away

People Show Us Who They Are

We’ve all heard the saying, “talk is cheap,” and I’ve found as I’ve moved forward on my journey that not only is it cheap, it has no value at all without proper action. Just saying something doesn’t make it true, right, or worth anything at all. It’s all in the action. People will tell us what they want us to hear, they will say what they think makes them look good, or to tell the narrative they want to tell, I know, I used to do all of those things, in fact, those were my three top reasons for speaking before taking responsibility for my own well-being and mental health, so I know from first hand experience. But there are good people out there, I would like to think that I am one of them, people who speak their truth, even if it’s not what may be popular or what someone wants to hear, people who are honest, caring, compassionate and willing to listen to someone else’s point of view, people who aren’t walking around with a secret agenda and consider anyone they meet just pawns in their latest scheme. No, there are people who can be trusted and confided in, and who speak with love in their hearts. But, it’s up to us to really listen and watch for those people, and not get fooled by the ones who may not be transparent in their intentions.

When I made a commitment to live my life with rigorous honesty I had to pull the curtain back on my bad behavior from my past. I had to live my life with integrity and learn to speak my truth with confidence and without fear of my perceived consequences. Part of that process for me was learning to trust myself, and learning to love myself enough to be true to my thoughts and intentions, and to be clear on what those intentions really were. That took some time. As I said, my intentions in the past were murky at best, there was usually some self-serving reason behind it, even when I masked it behind charity or doing something for someone else, I was always looking to get something out of it. So to shed all of that and to work to live only with good intentions, and not just for myself, and to be open and clear about those intentions, I felt pretty exposed. This was an area where that rigorous honesty came in, what were my true intentions? And, if they weren’t true, I was not allowed to engage. That put the breaks on some things. But putting my actions through that filter kept me honest, and it kept me on the right track, it also caused me to start looking at the people I was choosing to engage with and what their intentions really where, and had me questions if I really knew, and instead of just watching myself and how I was going to manipulate the situation, I was now really watching and listening, and learning what those intentions and who those people really where. Sometimes it took me more than a few times to really believe what I was seeing and hearing, and having been hurt by those times when I chose not to believe my own eye and ears, I started to believe faster. People do always show us who they are and many times we excuse it away, or we give them the benefit of the doubt, instead of taking them at face value. Now, that’s not to say we can’t misunderstand, or give people another chance, but we typically do know, we get that feeling, when something isn’t right, and it’s up to us to trust that feeling and heed it as a warning.

My life expanded a lot over the past year, I made some big moves and changes, and that’s always a time to reflect back, and in doing so I can see where I may have gotten fooled, but I also see where I did not believe what someone was showing me and as a result got hurt. Moving forward through this year and new people coming into my life I will not make that same mistake, some leeway was made, but ultimately what I’ve been shown is who they are, and who they are is not who they presented themselves to be, so, as someone who continues to practice rigorous honesty and engaging with people who I can trust, honor and respect, I need to protect myself from these people for my own recovery and mental health, and as sad as that feels, it also feels good, that I know I’m worth more than lies, manipulation and misleading intentions, and I know how to spot the truth.

As we move through our lives we encounter many people, some good, and some, well, not so good. It us up to us to be honest with who we are and what we want, and to believe people when they show us who they are in return. Words can be deceiving, but actions always tell the truth. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you believe people when they show you who they are or do you tend to make excuses for them? If you make excuses and choose not to believe them, what is typically the result? Have you been one of those people in the past who may have not been forthcoming with your true intentions? Why do you think that was? Are you still that person? What scares you from living your truth? What can you do to be more honest? What can you do spot when someone else isn’t being honest with you? The signs are always there SLAYER, you just have to believe them, take them at face value and make a choice whether you will continue to engage under those circumstances or not. As you continue to practice rigorous honesty in your own life, you may find that you become more in-tuned with the truth of what’s around you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Mental Illness – THAT Label

When I was suffering in my disease I didn’t tell anyone what as going on with me. I carried a lot of fear and shame for how I was living my life and thought that if I did tell someone the thoughts that ran through my head, and the things I was doing daily just to get by, that I would be locked up and labeled crazy. I had watched others in my life suffer with mental illness, and I was determined not to be like them, but determination wasn’t going to change the facts, I was in the throes of mental illness and I was loosing the battle.

I was fortunate that someone came into my life who had been where I was, someone who didn’t judge me or preach to me, he simply shared his story with me and lead by example. It took several months for that story to really resonate with me, but thankfully it did, and I recognized myself in that story and knew that that person was safe to reach out to and share my struggle with. It was that phone call that saved my life and started me on the path I live today, I have never looked back.

Why are we so afraid of the term mental illness? It wasn’t something I particularly liked as I set out on my path of recovery, but it put things in perspective for me. I had an illness. It wasn’t a lack of willpower or not being good enough that had caused me to get to such a bottom in my life that it brought me to my knees, and, nearly cost me my life, I was sick.

Mental illness covers a wide range of conditions that affect our mood, thinking or behavior. Some symptoms include:

  • Feeling sad or down

  • Confused thinking or reduced ability to concentrate

  • Excessive fears or worries, or extreme feelings of guilt

  • Extreme mood changes of highs and lows

  • Withdrawal from friends and activities

  • Significant tiredness, low energy or problems sleeping

  • Detachment from reality (delusions), paranoia or hallucinations

  • Inability to cope with daily problems or stress

  • Trouble understanding and relating to situations and to people

  • Alcohol or drug abuse

  • Major changes in eating habits

  • Sex drive changes

  • Excessive anger, hostility or violence

  • Suicidal thinking

I experienced all of these before reaching out for help. Sometimes symptoms of a mental health disorder appear as physical problems, such as stomach pain, back pain, headache, or other unexplained aches and pains. It’s cunning, baffling and powerful, and depending on what exactly you may be experiencing, it may also tell you you don’t have it. Mine certainly did, and on some days, still can.

But here’s what I’ve learned on this path of over 13 years. It can get better, and does if you seek help, and, are willing to be honest with yourself and others about what you are struggling with, if you are willing to do the work to get better, and can stop beating yourself up for something that is not your fault. We don’t criticize someone for being diagnosed with cancer, so why do we think we will be criticized for a mental health diagnoses? And if someone does criticize, it’s from their own fear or ignorance. There is nothing to be ashamed of. 43.8 million adults in the US deal with symptoms of mental illness everyday, and, with a diagnoses and proper self-care, many, like myself, lead happy and productive lives.

We need to change our perception of what mental illness means, and, what it does not mean. It does not make us weak, it does not make us less than, it does not make us losers, unable to cope, lazy, not equipped for life, it means we have certain obstacles we have to navigate around and we have to make sure we are doing what we need each day to keep ourselves in good health, mentally, physically and spiritually, that is all.

For those who dislike the label, labels do not define us, it is only a way to distinguish what is going on and what needs to be dealt with. For me, even though I didn’t like that label to start, it made what I was experiencing make sense, once I accepted that label I was able to do my homework and seek out the right kind of help I needed to get better, for me, shying away from that label would have only prolonged my suffering, and, in the end, may have kept me from getting well and which would have put my life in danger, the key to my getting well was being rigorously honest with myself and that meant I needed to accept the truth so that I could get better. I was told at the beginning of my journey that when I had the facts I was safe, even if they weren’t what I had wanted to hear, when I new what they were I could make sound decisions for my own well-being. The fact was, and is, I suffer from mental illness, except, I don’t suffer anymore, I thrive with it, overcome it and allow it to now connect me with others who may be struggling with it. Something that I once thought of as a curse is now the reason I started this blog, the reason it’s important to me to give back, to share my story because within that story and within my disease is hope, something I didn’t have when I was in denial about my mental illness.

No one wants to be different, no one wants to think of themselves as not capable, but suffering in silence is not the answer, not when there is an abundance of help out there, much of it free, to help you discover your best you, and to help you realize that a mental illness diagnoses is not anything to be ashamed about. May is mental health awareness month, a good time to look into what mental illness is and what it may mean to you, a great time to get honest and get some education around what might be troubling you or someone you love. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have an issue with the term mental illness? If yes, why? Have you been diagnosed with a mental illness? Do you think you have symptoms of mental illness? What are they? Where can you go to seek help or guidance? Do you talk about your symptoms with others? If yes, who? If not, why not? Do you stand in your own way of getting help because of your how prejudice of what you think mental illness is or means? What if you looked into it anyway, let go of your fears or ideas of what you think it means and just look into the facts? Mental illness does not make you a bad person, 1 and 5 adults has some form of mental illness, you are not alone and you are not at fault, but you hold the key to finding relief and finding a way of life that allows you to be your best self.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Getting There, Not Being Here

We all want to get to where we’re going, even if we don’t know where that is. We seem to want to get there even faster when we do know where we want to go and have been working to get there. We can get so focused on the finish line that we miss all of the days and moments in between, and may miss all those milestones we pass along the way that we should be acknowledging, celebrating and appreciating as we travel the journey to where we are meant to be.

I used to be guilty of this. I was so focused on what I wanted to accomplish that I had blinders on and would focus so much that I couldn’t see anything else, and was closed off to anything else other than where I wanted to get to. The trouble with living like that is that we are living the future, we’re not present and taking in life around us as we go. We can miss a lot when live this way, I know I did, and there could be many signs around us every day that we may actually be on the wrong path, but if we’re only open to seeing the the end result we want to see, we’ll never see those signs, good, or bad, and we’ll keep barreling along, perhaps in the wrong direction. For me, I also was so focused on the destination I wanted to get to because I was trying to force it into being by sheer willpower, and I used that drive to get to where I wanted to go to escape from what was really going on in my life. I thought, if I focused so much on where I wanted to go I wouldn’t have time to see where I actually was, and that the place I was at may actually prohibit me from ever reaching the goals and my dreams. That’s one vicious circle. It wasn’t until I made a commitment to live rigorously honest, and to stay present that I could really, truthfully, live in a way that honored where I currently was and what I was working towards at the same time. It also meant I needed to be flexible. To be open to new ideas and avenues and be willing to amend my plan because there might be something else out there that I hadn’t thought about or even knew about. Since walking this path my goals have shifted somewhat. There are things that remain the same, but because I’ve been open to new ideas and have said yes to things, so many more avenues have been revealed to me and have changed what gives me the most happiness. I wouldn’t have discovered any of those things if I had remained only focused on what I thought was going to make me happy or what I wanted to accomplish. Life will show you the way, if you are open to receiving it’s message.

Take time to look around each day and see what else may be out there, behind what you think you know already is. When you walk through life willing to take in new ideas and new goals you will be directed to where you are meant to be. There is so much more out there than what we can imagine in our minds, we only know what we’ve experienced so far, we don’t know what else is possible beyond that. Let others share their journey with you, be open to what may be out there, and work towards finding your best self, once you’re doing that, you are ready to reach those goals of your dreams. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you open to new ideas or do you stay fixated on where you think you want to go? If you’re not open to new ideas, what stops you? If you are open, how has your openness lead you to a place you never would have gotten to if you had continually said no? What have you accomplished that you hadn’t planned on, but because you were open find a new destination or goal to focus on you found another place for yourself? What have you taken a chance on and just said yes? What have you said no to that may have held you back? How can you still find your way to the place you may have meant to be when you said no? Allow yourself to enjoy the journey, there here and now, instead of just focused on where you want to be, because you’re never going to get somewhere by ignoring where you are right now.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Are you distracted by the distraction of your distraction? Make sure you’re not trying to use outside things for an inside job.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

state-of-slay Starve

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of you react to it.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Reaction

Hyper-Vigilance: Looking For Danger

When we’ve come from a situation, whether from our childhood or as we’ve moved through life, where we felt, or where, in danger, we move forward from that place always looking for danger. We are in a constant state of alert, always looking for what is coming next to hurt us, or knock us down. It’s a horrible place to live, and steals our peace of mind, never allowing us to fully relax and enjoy where we are if we’ve finally found good and love in our life. And even when we do, there is still an underlying concern that something is about to happen, so we always have a suspicious eye, or are constantly scanning for any signs of danger.

Living in that place is exhausting, and causes us to miss genuine moments with those we love because we’re so busy looking for, and waiting for, the next bomb to go off. I know for myself that there have been many moments from my past that have caused me to always be on the lookout of the danger that may be lurking ahead. But there is no danger. There is no danger because I have learned from my past. I’ve chosen to weed out those people in my life who wish to cause me harm, or may be insensitive to my well-being, and for those I can’t remove from my life, I have learned to set boundaries or not engage with them in a way that will allow them back into my life and give them access and have the power to wreak havoc in my life today. And yet, sometimes, I will still look for danger.

For me, it comes down to practicing self-love and contrary action. I need to put my trust in the people I have chosen to be a part of my life and when my mind wants to head into  hyper-vigilance I need to focus on the good, focus on the love around me, and focus on staying in the moment and not looking around for things that are not there. It takes time to change this behavior, and for some of us, it may never really be gone, but we can certainly work to lessen it and allow ourselves to enjoy our lives and those we’ve chosen to be in it. This is when honing our people-picker comes in to play. Of really fine-tuning our choices of those we choose to trust and assuring ourselves that we have put ourselves in safer situations, assuming that we have, because there are those of us too who will continue to put ourselves in unsafe places because that is what we know, I have been guilty of this in the past, those choices not only keep us in a place that we know, they also give us the opportunity to tell that negative narrative we also know, so, it’s about being rigorously honest with ourselves about where we find ourselves and with whom,and making sure we are making better choices, healthier choices, for ourselves today.

As SLAYERS we are the guardians of our own well-being, we need to protect our safety and make sure we are living our lives in places that allow us to be our best selves, that allow us to shine, and share our light with those around us, we can’t do that if we’re always on the look-out for danger. Make sure you are giving yourself the opportunity to live without the fear of what may be coming next, find those places in your life that you are safe, loved and encouraged and live in those places, stay in those places, and don’t let yourself believe that you deserve anything less. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you put yourself in situations that may not be safe for you? If you do, why do you do that? How does constantly being, or feeling, like you’re in danger benefit you? How does it hurt you? Do realize you are doing it to yourself? What can you do to stop it? What signs do you see that you have put yourself in danger in your life? If you are not in danger, do you still look for it? How has this damaged your relationships? What have you thought was there, but really wasn’t? Looking back, why do you think you found danger when there wasn’t any there? What can you do to stop this behavior? SLAYER, you deserve to feel safe and out of harms way, but you have to make sure you are choosing the right people and right environment to find your safety, and, that safety comes from you first by learning to trust yourself and your choices. Only you can decide what is best for you, make sure you choose wisely.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! We live inside an unfinished story…and you can change yours at at anytime.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Survival Mode