Learn

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYERS! Let go!

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Define Me

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Anger is like acid, it can do more harm where it is stored than where it’s poured.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Makes You Happy

Just Look For The Green Lights

Everyone, at times, goes through periods where it’s hard to see the positive in our lives, maybe that lasts for only a few hours, a few days, or perhaps a few years, or more. I know, for myself, there were many years that I only saw the negative, and even when positive things did happen, I would find something negative to wrap it up in.

I was listening to someone share their story the other morning, a story that was much like mine, and she was talking about a time in her life when she couldn’t find the good. She had said that someone had suggested to her to count the green lights on her way home. She said she did, and when we got home she called that friend and said, “six, there were six green lights,” and she noticed when she said that she had a smile on her face. She had, even just for that moment, found something positive. I will put that one in my tool box for a day when I may need to count the green lights on my way home.

My life today is much more positive than negative, but my mind always looks for the negative. It will try to ruin any good day with fixating on things to bring some darkness to an otherwise great day, and if my guard is down, that darkness may just cloud over the brightness of that day. My disease is also very cunning, and as much as I’ve learned over the 13 plus years about myself and my disease, so has my disease, so it’s always looking for ways to work around that hard work I’ve put into living a happy and healthy life, something as simple as looking for green lights can turn that around.

It’s about focusing on the good. We, if we take our power back, can change our thinking, or mood, by what we choose to look at, surround ourselves with or engage in, sometimes it may just be a moment of relief, but it’s there for the taking if we take it, but the more we choose to take it, or the more we try, the easier it becomes to look and find the good, and the more we do that, the more the bad doesn’t feel good anymore. It’s also about believing we deserve the good. And we do. We all do. We have to believe we should have and do have good in our lives and we need to actively seek out positive things. Trust me, they’re there. The fact that you’re reading this right now is positive.

As I write this and think about the green lights in my life, I realize that I have always appreciated those green lights, and when I hit a string of them, it does always make me smile, but it’s also not attaching negative feelings to a red light, because we can look at those as a gift as well, a moment to exhale, to pause, before we restart our journey. I do still really love the green over the red though. But it’s about looking for the good in everything. Nothing happens to us without there being a reason, we may label it good or bad, but there is always something to take away from every event, experience or relationship, we learn, we grow, we are challenged to rise to the occasion. Nothing changes in our comfort zone, so when those difficult challenges come our way, they may have been sent to us to get us to change, to reach out or move forward because we’ve stayed somewhere too long.

Life can get difficult at times, especially during periods of change, but if we look for the green lights, the positive things in life, we start to see more of the good we have in our lives. Next time your out, count the green lights on our journey. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you typically look for the negative or positive in your life? If you find yourself in a negative place, how do you look for the positive? How do you find your way out of the negative? What happens if you don’t? What do you typically find as the reason for those negative times? What can you do moving forward to change that? When are minds get dark, that is the time to actively look for the light, it is always there if we look for it, and we no longer attach ourselves to the darkness of our past. Focus on a positive future.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Your silence does not protect you.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Freedom Ends

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Love yourself so much you fill in all the cracks.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Love Mirror

Bringing Love To Your Wounds

Often times we are the ones who hurt ourselves the most. And even in times when someone else may be hurting us, we allow them to do it, whether directly or indirectly, by engaging with that person or putting ourselves in the situation to begin with. But, most times we are the ones who do the most damage to ourselves, we suffer the most by our own hand. Sometimes we do it by not giving ourselves credit for something we’ve achieved, by punishing ourselves for doing something wrong or not knowing better, for missing an opportunity, missing a deadline, or not speaking up for ourselves. We continue to bully ourselves for these things and keep picking away at a wound that is already there. We get ourselves into a viscous cycle of self-attack, self-defense, self-imposed guilt, and self-imposed blame. But it’s important to seek out the right within the wrong, or even question whether the act was “wrong” in the first place and not merely just a chance to learn or do it better next time. This journey, this path, we are on is about learning and growing, if we all knew everything and did everything perfectly every time, none of us would know how great it feels to find success after a previous failure. It’s those “failures” that build our strength and show us who we are, if we’re able to use them as tools to build a better us.

Before setting out on a path of recovery, I only focused on what I thought was bad about myself, or inadequate. I had a constant loop in my head telling myself what and who I was not. When someone would compliment me I would quickly point out why I didn’t deserve the compliment and shoot it down. I would beat myself up for having a lack of clarity and or for indecisiveness, which many times came from fear of doing what I really wanted, that I labeled it as a sign of weakness. I could tell you all the things I was not, but I couldn’t tell you why, and the reason I couldn’t was because in reality it wasn’t true, it was a narrative I would tell myself to keep myself sick, to keep myself isolated from those around me and to prevent myself from achieving what I was too afraid to believe I deserved.

It wasn’t until I found the courage to see the right beneath the wrong that things started to change. I had to change my thinking and I had to learn to trust myself. That shift happened by learning to take a compliment, and if I truly didn’t believe I deserved it, to just say thank you, not talk back and try to take it away. I was taught that when I argued and said I didn’t deserve it, that I was actually telling that person they were wrong, or a liar, and that wasn’t something I wanted to do, so a simple thank you helped me through that to start. I learned to trust myself by doing trustworthy things, to be accountable for my actions and words, and be open to the belief that I deserved good things, so when they came my way I could humbly smile and say OK. All of these baby steps took time, along with others, that slowly helped me let go of my self-imprisonment and learn to let myself live, mistakes and all. I had to learn to bring love to my wounds, and it was that love that would eventually let them heal.

We often focus on all the things we think are wrong with us, what we lack, but what if, just for today, you offered yourself some love and acceptance so you can move beyond what you may not have been to what you can do. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you focus on what you think your shortcomings are? Is that all you see? Why? When was the last time you let yourself take credit for something? Do you take compliments from others easily? If not, why not? Do you give compliments to others? How does that make you feel? How do you feel if someone doesn’t accept your compliment? Do you see how when you don’t accept a compliment yourself that the other person may feel that same way? What if today you focused on all the things you are instead of what you’re not, and see how that focus may change your day, you never know SLAYER, you may just try it again the next day just to make sure you were right.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! If you are still trying, you have not failed.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Stumble (1)

Hear Your Own Complaints

I know for myself that no matter how bad I might complain about something, or feel that something is, it never warrants me going to back to the way I lived my life before. As I always remind myself, my worst days today are still better than my best days back then, but my mind can try to convince me when I’m angry, lonely or tired, that how I’m feeling in that moment will not change, I’m grateful to know that it will. Life ebbs and it flows, nothing lasts forever, things always passes, and I know, from talking to those who have slid back to their old way of life, that there is nothing good waiting for me there, and likely what is waiting is worse than where I left it, and it was really bad. I need to put things into perspective and use the experience I’ve had on this path to remind myself to stay right where I am and not go back, and  any thoughts of going back are my illness trying to lure me back to where I came from, they’re not truths. No burdens, disappointments, blows to my pride or ego, or loss is worth going back to my old way of life. And if I harbor those thoughts and not let them go I’m at risk of sliding back, so I know I have to learn to live life as it comes, to not get stuck in negative thinking and to let go of anything that could potentially pull me back, recognizing that my complaining could be the gateway to the way I used to be.

It is up to us to keep ourselves in check, to stay positive, live in the light, and to stay in gratitude, no matter what is going on. Ultimately, even when we’re going through things that challenge us, we still have many things to be grateful for, so when I find myself in one of those places I know I need to double-down on my gratitude and focus on the positive, from that place I know I won’t slide back, and from that place I can keep track of what’s really important in my life and not what my head tells me is. I also have to be aware of the patterns of my thinking, what triggers those negative thoughts and sets me off in the wrong direction, and listen for those same complaints, and that tone I’ve heard before, always remembering that as I’ve gotten better, my illness or disease has been learning what I have, so it’s using that information and trying to find the work-around while I’m working to stay well and continue to grow.

It’s important to listen to ourselves and our own complaints. To recognize the ones we’ve heard before, or even the tone of our complaining to identify what may be setting us off in that direction. We are typically so quick to judge others when they complain but we don’t call ourselves out in the same way and pin-point the true source of the problem, which may be, that there is no problem, sometimes we make problems when there aren’t any because we’re more used to having them than not, and it’s uncomfortable to live without them, but we must learn. We always need to be rigorously honest with ourselves, about ourselves, to make sure we stay on the path that allows us to be our best selves. When we listen, we learn, and when we have knowledge, we are can do anything. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you listen or take notice when you complain? When you find yourself in that place, where does it lead you? Does your mind take you back to a darker time? How can you prevent yourself from going there? What are the warning signs that you’re headed there? How can you keep yourself in the light and in a place of gratitude? Finding the gratitude in your life will keep you in the light, even when you may be going through a dark time, it’s that gratitude that will keep the light burning in your life and light your way back to your path.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Never, Never Again

There were so many times in my life, before walking this path, that I would say never again. And yet, I would repeat those same behaviors over and over, even the ones I knew were self-destructive and were taking down an even darker road than I was already on. My attitude, always, was, well if I’ve already messed up this little bit I might as go whole hog and hit the “f*ck it button.” There was no middle ground, I was either doing great, or down in the dumps, I gave myself no room for anything in between. Living within those tight parameters I was setting myself up to fail, most of the time, and truthfully that’s where my head wanted me, to constantly be failing so I would increasingly get worse and think there was no way out. But there was.

When I finally fell to my knees and was able ask for help, I was told it takes time to break old habits and to begin a new way of life, and that even if I made mistakes, or failed in my opinion, that was part of the recovery process. That I had to wrap my head around. Failure was part of the process? Well, the truth was, it wasn’t really “failure,” it was all just part of the process, something I had to learn as I fell and got back up again. I also learned that those falls were where I learned the most, so they, for me, were an essential part of the process. I had to find comfortabililty in the gray areas between what I viewed as “right” or “wrong.” Being OK in the gray wasn’t easy at first because the minute I wasn’t perfect at this new way of life and slipped back into old behaviors or patterns, that negative bullshit committee in my head would pipe up and say, “see, you can’t do it!” In fact, they would scream it. And, I had to learn to say, “you’re lying, I can, watch me.”

Change takes time. It takes of trying, over and over again, until it becomes less effort. Until it becomes a part of who you are and not something you have to think about anymore. You are going to fail, or fall, or make mistakes, that’s part of making changes, but the important thing is to not give up, to keep going, to do better next time, or try again. Don’t put those parameters on yourself and say never again, you may do it again, you may do it many times before you stop doing it, and even when you stop doing it, you may do it another time. Allow yourself to have some wiggle room, to be in the gray space in between, where you’re trying your best, and that’s good enough, it is actually more than good enough. It was pointed out to me in my early journey that I had done things the old way much longer than I had the new way, so it wasn’t fair to beat myself for falling back to what I knew or once did, but I always had the chance to do it better the next time. And that’s what I did. It’s been over 13 years now and sometimes I can still fall back, but I know now that when I do it’s just a moment and it’s not who I am today, and maybe I fall back from time to time to remind myself where I don’t want to fall back to, and that’s OK, because today I know the right choices for me and what I need to do to live this life I’ve worked so hard for, a slip from time to time isn’t the end of the world, it’s just part of the process.

Allow yourself to make mistakes, and when you do, never say never again, say, I’ll do better next time, or I’ll try to, or, I did my best today. No one is perfect, and embracing those times we may fall back, and learning to look at them as learning opportunities rather than failures is the mindset that will get us to the place we’re working so hard for, I know, because I got there, and I know you can too. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like you’ve failed if you fall back on old behaviors? Do you beat yourself up for it? Do you set strict parameters for yourself that you can’t possibly live within to grow and learn naturally? Why do you think you do this? How do you think you can ease those parameters to let yourself grow and make mistakes as part of your process and journey? What do you think will happen if you do? Let yourself live in the gray area sometimes, let go of the restrictions of right or wrong and let yourself find your way, always striving to do better the next time if you haven’t made the best choice in the moment, let yourself find the right way and not beat yourself up for the mistakes along the way, those mistakes might just be what’s guiding you to the right choice the next time.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

W.A.I.T. – Why Am I Talking?

I was with a group of people yesterday and we were talking about how the greatest gift, or way of being of service to someone, is to listen. Many times that’s all anyone wants, to be heard, and yet, too many times we chime in with our opinion or experience before they’ve had a chance to finish. One of the people in our group had said that he used to have that problem, of interrupting before someone was done, but he uses the acronym W.A.I.T! Now, before he speaks up he asks himself why he’s talking, if it’s important to interrupt what’s being said, is it adding to the conversation, is it useful, it’s helping the other person or people in the group, and is it the truth, or, is it his ego speaking for him to look superior to the group or in front of that person. I smiled. I used to be guilty of interrupting, especially when I knew I was wrong. I figured if I didn’t give the other person time to finish and finished it for them I would appear to have all the answers and already knew what they were going to say, or, that I knew better, so to save time they should just listen to me and stop talking. The truth is, I had a lot to learn by staying quiet and listen…and still do, we all do.

When we allow someone to finish what they’re saying, and may need to say, we are showing them respect, a respect we all deserve, and by pausing and listening to them we may also learn some new information, what we’re also saying by not saying anything is that we are still teachable and open to new ideas, something that is imperative for our continued growth, intellectually and spiritually. By pausing it also allows us to do a quick spot check, in terms of what we’re wanting to say, to ask ourselves why we feel we need to say it, and if it’s something that will move the conversation forward, or are we speaking up for different reasons that only serve us? Or, are we responding out of fear, anger, or jealously? Again, if we take a moment to pause and get in touch with our intentions for wanting to speak up, or respond, it gives us that moment to let those immediate emotions calm down so we can make a better decision about what and if we’re going to respond.

When I started on this path I had to basically throw out most of what I knew. I had to start from scratch. And I had to question my motives and instincts always at the start. My reactions to things were almost always fear based, so I was often quick to respond and jump in, many times regretting what I said and did later. I too, was told to W.A.I.T. and it was that pause that helped me not to hurt others by stepping all over their conversation and trying to sound smarter and better than they were. I also learned how important it was to be heard. I had a lot of questions, feelings and emotions at the start of this journey, many I had trouble making sense of, and if someone took the time to sit to listen to me, even when it didn’t make much sense, it meant so much to me, and most times, even just by saying it out loud, even without a response, I would figure out the issue, but also, many times, it allowed someone else who had been where I was to share their experience with me and offer some suggestions. Those exchanges helped me heal, and I learned a lot from them, not only by finding answers to my questions, but also it taught me how to be a good listener myself.

Everyone wants and deserves to be heard, make sure you’re not taking that moment away from someone who really needs it to feed our own ego. You might just learn something yourself by pausing and making yourself W.AI.T. and asking yourself, why am I talking? SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let others speak or are you always quick to chime in? Why do you think you do that? When you think about not doing that, what comes up? What do you feel? Where do you think that need comes from? What can you do to change it? When someone takes the time to listen to you, how does that make you feel? What do you think you can learn by pausing and not immediately jumping in a conversation? Try to pause SLAYER, and W.A.I.T., ask yourself, why am I talking? If it’s not adding something positive to the conversation, then maybe just listen and see what you can learn.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you