foundation

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The more we value things outside our control, the less control we have.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

When you try to control

Does The Quiet Scare You?

When I was living the dark I surrounded myself with a lot of noise. I didn’t realize I was doing it, or that I had stopped doing the things that used to ground me, or allowed me to find peace. My disease didn’t want me to find that peace, it wanted to keep its negative voice running constantly in my head. It wasn’t until I made a commitment to get better that I realized that the quiet scared me because when things were quiet, my negative voices got louder and it was terrifying.

Thinking back to the way things used to be, I always had music on, and loud, in the car, earbuds in while walking, the TV on at home, or stereo, there was always something on to drown out the silence. The silence held many truths, the truth of my situation wasn’t good, or something I was ready to face, there still was good in the silence, in the distance, but it was still there in between the negative chatter. When I made the decision to face my demons and get better I was faced with finding that peace again in the quiet, but at first, it was far from peaceful. Just thinking about sitting, for even a minute, in the quiet made my anxiety spike. It was like, each time I stopped and found some quiet, I was treated to a slide show of all of the things I was ashamed of and all of the ways was I was not enough, or a horrible person, turning that around took some work.

I had to learn to breathe through the uncomfortableness of the quiet, and I had to learn to distinguish between productive positive feedback and my disease trying to pull me back down, hitting the delete button on those negative thoughts became very liberating, but also accepting that they will come up, and still do, and not giving them any value, or judging myself for them. I remember being told in a meditation workshop to acknowledge those negative thoughts and then watch them pass by like a cloud. That imagery helped me to start to let them go. So much of my progress in learning to enjoy the quiet came from practice and patience, and, not judging myself when I wasn’t able to sit in silence, there were going to be good days and bad days, but really, as long as I was trying, none of them were really bad. Again, stopping the judgment and expectations of what I thought it was supposed to be. That was something that I carried over to all aspects of my life, at least, I work to do so. To observe, and if it doesn’t help me, move me forward or nourish me, to let it go. Now, some things are easier than others to let go, and sometimes the process takes time, or, I just get exhausted hanging on for far too long, but it always feels good to let it go without having to fix it or make sense of it, or make it look perfect. Even if it’s messy or unfinished, if it doesn’t serve you, let it go. Watch it pass by like a cloud.

Now I am able to sit in the quiet, in fact, I enjoy it, because, as I’ve shared before, I find many answers there. It is very rare today that I have music on in the car, or earbuds in as I walk outside, I enjoy the time alone, listening for answers and signs that are meant to guide me to where I am supposed to be, I missed many of those drowning out the quiet. Today the quiet is one of the best tools I have to connect with something greater than myself and to feel connected to what’s out there, it is part what anchors me and is a part of my foundation.

If the quiet scares you ask yourself why. Ask yourself what frightens you there, and also ask yourself what you may find there. I assure you, if you can find a comfortableness in the quiet it may become your biggest ally. Let go of preconceived notions of what you think it should be and just let it be, let it be your own experience and your own sacred space, a space where you can settle in and make it your own. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you make time for quiet in your day, or do you constantly bombard yourself with noise to drown it out? Why do you think you do that? Have you ever enjoyed the quiet? If so, what changed? What do you experience in the quiet? What would you like to experience in the quiet? What can you do to change what you experience in the quiet? How can you become more comfortable in the quiet? Our quiet space is our space, we can make it anything we want to, as long as it is contributing to our peace and positive direction in life.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Break The Loyalties Of Inaccurate Information About Yourself

Before stepping into the light I was very loyal to who I thought I was, who I had been told I was, and who I thought my life had produced and locked me into being. As we grow up what we learn about ourselves comes from those around us, what we learn becomes what we think our worth is, and we carry that with us into, and sometimes through, our adult life, but far too often we are given inaccurate information about ourselves because of certain circumstances or someone else’s prejudice or agenda to have us believe a narrative that may not be true. And there are times when we find ourselves in situations with those are may be sick, and may not know that they are projecting their own sickness onto us when we are in a vulnerable place or during our formidable years. We, most of the time, aren’t even aware of the damage being done as it seeps into our subconscious and into the fabric of our being. We become loyal to the information we’ve been given or have picked up along the way, even though it may be far from the truth of who we are. We may recognize the inaccuracies in the information but still may cling to it because it’s what we know and have convinced ourselves is true even when we know the truth. We participate in self-sabotage to keep the narrative alive making it more difficult for ourselves to let go of the person we never really were.

That was my struggle for a long time. I had developed several coping mechanisms to keep myself within the confines of that inaccurate information about myself, coping mechanisms that kept me down and fed the negative self-talk that continued to tell me things that were not true. Those untruths, that I chose to believe, nearly cost me my life. But even at my darkest point, even when I believed that inaccurate information had become who I was, the true me was still in there trying to get out, trying to get my attention and tell me the truth. The truth was I was never those things I believed I was, sure, there had been times I played the part and participated in behavior or activities to support that inaccurate information, but that was never who I truly was, and I always, deep down, knew that. I had to let go of the unconscious loyalties I had to that inaccurate information and start to develop and nourish the accurate details of who I was and who I could work to be. That started by being accountable to myself and my recovery, by participating in esteemable acts, by giving back to those around me, and by building a community around me of like-minded people who were all working towards the same goal.

We are not a product of who raised us, or what happened to us, or who we’ve been told we are. What facts are true about you, what do you know to be true and what information can you use to build a new foundation. It’s time to break the loyalties you’ve carried around that are false and start to focus on who you truly are and have always been. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: What do you believe about yourself? Why do you believe this? Were you told this, or did you discover it on your own? Is it true and based in facts? If it is not something you like, how can you make changes to move away from this? How do you demonstrate who you truly are? Are there more or better ways you can do this? How? What do you remember you were told about yourself? By whom? Why do you think you were told this? Is it true? If it was, back then, is it still true today? If it is and you don’t like it, what changes can you make to change this? How does your behavior today support what you’ve been told? How does your behavior support who you truly are? Focus on the last question SLAYER, focus on showing yourself and those around you who you truly are, not the inaccuracies you have been told, even by yourself.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Happy Where You Are

When I was living in the darkness I thought I needed certain things to be happy. I had a list, and because I hadn’t obtained everything on that list I felt justified in my unhappiness. I used that list as an excuse to sit in my anger and depression and felt entitled to have the things I thought were going to make me happy, feeling like not having them was a denial from life to have the life I thought I should have. What I didn’t see was that I had always held the key to my own happiness, and, it had nothing to do with those things on that list.

In the past happiness had always meant, career, people, places and things. But those things were empty without self-love and peace in my heart. No matter how much stuff I could accumulate, or what prestige I could garner from my career or chosen partner, I always felt empty and alone, and, many times expected whatever I had to be taken away. It wasn’t until stepping on this path that I started to realize that none of those things were going to give me the happiness that I had to find in myself, but, how was I going to find that happiness when I had spent my life chasing the wrong things? I leaned on those I saw who had found that happiness. I had been advised to find people who had what I wanted, and I don’t mean to take it, or pretend to be like them, but to align myself with those people who had found what I was looking for and ask them how they had done it. Joining a support group helped me to expand this new circle of friends who were seeking what I was, or had found it, and it allowed me to follow by example to find that happiness for myself.

I had to break everything down and start all over. It seemed daunting at first, but I was encouraged to only do what I could each day. So I started to build from the foundation up, knowing that the foundation was the most important part, I did not try to rush the process, but allowed myself to listen, grow and learn who I was and what was truly going to fill my heart with love. It turns out it wasn’t people, places, things, or my career, sure, I enjoyed those things and worked hard, but without any of them I had to find my own happiness from the inside. I started with loving acts toward myself, focusing on my gratitude each day and what I liked about myself, to start that list was very small, sometimes only one word, but it grew over time as my love for myself grew. I started to say yes to things, trying new things with new people, and I began to feel connected like I had never felt before. Also, by being accountable for my actions I noticed my self-esteem was getting stronger, and, I started to like myself. The more I practiced showing myself love and practicing self-care the more that that like turned to love, something I didn’t think was possible. At the beginning of my journey I was physically not able to say I love you out loud when looking at myself in the mirror, and now all of my acts were based in the newfound love I had found for myself.

Today I still don’t have all of those things that used to be on my list that I thought I needed to be happy, some of them have appeared, but I realize that I never needed those things to find happiness, happiness is something I found and created in myself and no matter where I am I can take that with me. My life today is very full, and full of love, and there isn’t a list that is contingent on my happiness, I’m happy right where I am, I share this to show you that it’s possible, you too can find that place for yourself, or realize you’re already there, just search for it inside your heart. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have a list that you believe is the key to your happiness? What is on that list? Why do you believe that those items on your list can make you happy. Have any of those things truly made you happy on their own when you don’t feel happy where you are? What can you do today that shows yourself that you are loved? What are you grateful for in your life today? What do you like or love about yourself? Of those things you might not like or love, how can you find some kindness and love toward yourself and those things? What can you do today to show yourself love? Get on the self-love way of living, find others who are doing the same and support and encourage one another. When you surround yourself with love it is easier to see the love in yourself, and, you may just find some happiness right where you are.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Never Search In The Branches For What Is Found In The Roots

Before walking my current path, I often would get distracted by shiny sparkly things. I had a constant list of things on my “want” list, and those things, when I did obtain them, became like a drug that I was continuously chasing. The items I was buying were like my armor, or so I thought, I wore each of them like a badge of honor, but that hit I would feel was fleeting, and then I was on the to next item on my list, chasing the same high. I was like that with people too, I didn’t collect them, but I would look for the people who were flashy, who looked good from the outside, and outside I admired or envied, and an outside I compared my insides to.

I always thought everyone else had it easier than did. I watched other people and wanted what they had, but I truly didn’t know what I was asking for, because all I was seeing was what was being presented to the world, and not what was truly going on. I didn’t even consider that there was possibly two different versions, even though I was presenting two myself. I just got caught up on what the outside looked like, thinking if I could make my outside look perfect than maybe I could have a shiny sparkly life too. No such luck. You see, what I was admiring, or attracted to, didn’t really exist a lot of the time, I was fixating on someone else’s seemingly incredible life, not realizing that there could be things I didn’t know. There were also a lot of things I didn’t know about myself, because I hadn’t bothered to ask, or, gotten to know myself, and instead of asking, I just kept trying to cover up those blank spaces with more shiny sparkly things.

When I made the commitment to get well I was told I had learn to love myself. I didn’t even know how to begin, or, if it was even possible. It was. And as I got to know myself for the first time, and, did learn to love myself, that long list of things I had been attracted to didn’t seem to important anymore. What was important was finding forgiveness for myself, and others, and to learn who I was and what was truly important to me. Turns out it was none of those exterior or material things that used dominate my time, and mind, it was finding an inner peace and filling myself with gratitude, love and connection to something bigger than myself. I also learned on my journey to finding those things that most of the people who I had admired, or even envied, for “having it all” or much of what I wanted, also had struggles and challenges of their own that I didn’t see. I realized that my journey and struggles was much like other people, who were also working to do the same as I, and that the solution was not in people, places and things I was trying to obtain or possess. I had to stop worrying about what my branches looked like to everyone else, and start focusing on the health of my roots. That is where my strength, happiness and freedom was, in the roots, if I was to grow and keep myself on solid footing and to keep myself nourished so I could continue to grow, I had to feel like l was on solid ground.

It’s easy to look around and assume that what we see is how it is, but most times it’s not. We, as a society then to put our best foot forward when we are out in the world, we show each other what we want to show, not necessarily the truth of what may be going on, and yet we judge ourselves and how we feel by these outside personas, which could be far removed from the reality of what’s truly going on. Finding a way to connect with your true self and what makes you feel whole is the way to finding peace, there isn’t anything that can be bought or obtained that can do that job or take it’s place, we may try, and it may work for a while, but ultimately the way to our peace is an inside job, one that will take a lot of honesty and courage to work on, but the one that will give you the most rewarding gift you can give yourself, freedom to love who you are and what you are, no matter what your branches may look like today. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to judge your insides to other people’s outsides? Do you realize you are doing this? How does it make you feel? Do you think it’s fare to do this to yourself? Do you present the best of yourself when you are out in the world? Do you think others do the same and do not share their real truth? If yes, then how can you compare how you feel with someone else based on what you see? Do you try to fill those gaps or holes inside with outside things? How do you this? Does it work? For how long? How do you think you can start to fill the gaps yourself, without reaching for something else to try to do the job for you? Work on that SLAYER. The true way, and only way to fill those gaps and feel whole is to love and honor yourself, to do and say those things that make you feel whole. Find what fills you up from the inside, find love for yourself and share that love, as you do those roots beneath your feet will become stronger and give you the foundation you need to shine and share your beautiful branches.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

If You Feel Like You’re Sliding, Ground Yourself In Gratitude

Because even the smallest anchor can save you from the storm

There are seasons in life when the ground beneath your feet doesn’t feel steady. You’re doing everything “right” — showing up, trying hard, taking care of what needs you — and yet somehow you still feel yourself slipping. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually. Energetically.

It starts quietly.

A missed step here.
A spiraling thought there.
A wave of heaviness that settles on your chest and won’t explain itself.

Before you know it, you’re sliding — away from your center, away from your peace, away from the version of you who feels grounded and clear.

I know that feeling well.
We all do.

And when life gets like this, it’s easy to panic.
It’s easy to think: What’s wrong with me? Why am I regressing? Why can’t I hold it together?

But here’s the truth most of us forget:

A slide isn’t a failure.
It’s a signal.
And gratitude is your handhold back to solid ground.

The Quiet Descent We Don’t Notice Until We’re Already Falling

Life rarely knocks us off balance with one big moment. Instead, it’s the slow accumulation of little things:

  • A slight disappointment

  • A broken routine

  • A lingering insecurity

  • A change in circumstance

  • A comment that hits us the wrong way

  • A feeling we don’t want to admit we’re feeling

The slide is subtle.

It begins when we stop listening to ourselves.
When we stop resting.
When we stop checking in on our heart.
When we slip into autopilot because being present feels too heavy.

Suddenly, we’re overwhelmed. Or discouraged. Or disconnected from the person we know we truly are.

The human instinct is to claw our way back through force — push harder, work more, suppress the feeling, pretend it’s not happening.

But the way back isn’t through force.

It’s through grounding.
It’s through presence.
It’s through gratitude.

Gratitude Doesn’t Erase the Hard — It Stabilizes You Inside It

Gratitude gets misunderstood as a way to bypass pain.
But real gratitude doesn’t ignore how you feel.

It simply gives you something to hold onto while you feel it.

Gratitude says:

  • “Yes, this is hard… and here is something still supporting you.”

  • “Yes, you’re tired… and here is something still holding you steady.”

  • “Yes, you’re overwhelmed… and here is something still working in your favor.”

It returns your mind to what is real — not imagined fear, not spiraling emotion, not worst-case scenarios.

Gratitude pulls you out of the fall and reorients you toward truth.

It doesn’t invalidate your struggle.
It anchors you through it.

A Small Gratitude Can Shift a Heavy Heart

When you feel yourself sliding, you don’t need a miracle.
You don’t need a life overhaul.
You don’t need everything to be perfect.

You just need one grounding thought — one spark of gratitude — to interrupt the descent.

It can be as simple as:

  • “I’m grateful for the breath that steadies me.”

  • “I’m grateful for one person who loves me.”

  • “I’m grateful for the strength I don’t always give myself credit for.”

  • “I’m grateful for the lessons that shaped me.”

  • “I’m grateful for this moment of awareness — it means I can choose again.”

Gratitude is not about pretending everything is wonderful.
It’s about remembering that not everything is falling apart.

It’s the shift that gives you back your footing.

Gratitude Helps You Regain Perspective — and Power

When we slide emotionally, our mind tries to convince us that everything is collapsing. Gratitude counters that narrative with something more grounded and true.

It:

  • Softens the panic

  • Brings the nervous system down

  • Helps you see the full picture instead of the distorted one

  • Reconnects you to what’s working, not just what feels wrong

  • Reminds you of your resilience

  • Guides you back to your inner stability

Gratitude says:
“You’ve survived every version of life you thought would break you. You can survive this, too.”

And when you remember that, the slide slows.
When you feel that, the ground steadies.
When you breathe into it, you begin to rise again.

You’re Not Failing — You’re Feeling

There is nothing wrong with you for having moments where your footing slips.
There is nothing wrong with you for needing support.
There is nothing wrong with you for losing your center and finding it again.

Strong people slide.
Resilient people slide.
Healing people slide.

But grounded people know how to climb back.

Gratitude is your rope.
Your anchor.
Your reminder that, even in the wobble, you are held.

SLAY Reflection

S — Sit With Your Truth

Where have you been feeling emotionally unsteady or overwhelmed lately?

L — Look at the Pattern

What small shifts or stressors may have contributed to your sense of “sliding”?

A — Align With Your Values

What gratitude practice — even a simple one — can help you feel grounded in this moment?

Y — Yield to Growth

What becomes possible when you anchor yourself in gratitude instead of fear?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What gratitude has helped ground you when life feels unsteady?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s struggling to find their footing right now, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER!  To soar to great heights, you need a good foundation under you, one that will keep you solid through the worst storms.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Built

Rocking Resiliency

How many times have we heard the quote “It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s how you get up” by Vince Lombardi? I got knocked down a lot, and I got up a lot, and then I stopped. I just stopped getting up. I let every knock knock me to the ground and I just stayed there. I believed I belonged there, I didn’t want to be there, it didn’t feel good there, but my head told me I was exactly where I was supposed to be. So I stayed. Alone. In the darkness. It wasn’t until my life was literally on the line that that little tiny spec of light and fight in me reached out for help, and that was enough to pull myself up off the floor. It sometimes takes all of our strength to get up, but we do have the power to not give up and continue to go after our dreams and overcome our challenges. And the beauty is, we don’t have to do it alone, I didn’t, I had a lot of hands help me along the way, and still do, and in many ways you all lend me yours every day, even if you don’t realize it, to give me that extra strength when I need it, because sometimes I do need it. Resiliency is the ability to get back up even when things did not go as planned, it’s not dwelling on our perceived failures, it’s about acknowledging our situation, learning from it, and moving on. So, how do we do this?

1) Perspective – resilient people look at obstacles in their way as challenges, they don’t take them personally or let them stop them from moving forward and continuing to work toward their goal. They look at the obstacles as lessons and an opportunity to grow or look at a situation in a new way, or different angle. When we think of our obstacles in these terms it allows us to navigate around, or use this new information to build on what we already know to get the result we’re looking for. Turn these seemingly negative things into something that will make us better, brighter, and faster.

2) Promise – resilient people make a promise to themselves and commit themselves to their goals and to the betterment of their overall being. This pledge gives them a reason to get out of bed every day, to continue to push forward, to grow, to learn, and to live as their true selves. It extends to every area of their life, from work, to friends, to relationships, to their community, they are committed to engaging in these areas and contributing in ways that show their commitment and love for themselves and those around them.

3) Personal Direction – resilient people focus their energy on what is in their control, not wasting their energy on uncontrollable events, which leads to feelings of loss, hopelessness, and powerlessness. They stay on track by sending their energy towards those things they can change, improve on, or learn from in their own lives, and within their community, not getting lost in the chatter of outside things that can take them off course. They stay committed to their own path, and keeping their goals in mind.

These three areas keep things pretty simple. And, life can be simple if we choose to it be, focusing on the things that matter to us and not getting sucked into the vortex of other people’s issues and problems that we have no business getting involved with. It is always nice to lend a hand, or some advice, when asked, or if you think we can be of service, but not so much that it takes us off track and keeps us from living our life and moving us forward. If we are questioning our own resiliency, and perhaps our reasons for it, it is best to stay focused on our own personal direction before jumping into someone else’s.

Resiliency also goes back to self-care, something I’ve talked about quite a bit. But it’s one of those blocks of our foundation that is necessary to be resilient. Are we eating enough, or the right foods, are we getting enough sleep, are we exercising, are we doing things to give back to ourselves, things we love, things that add light to our lives, are we finding time to reflect and listen to ourselves? All of these things contribute to our resiliency. Without self care our resiliency tank will be running on empty. We have the power to come back from insurmountable places, if we can find the fire within to give us the energy to move on, the fire burns in each and everyone one of us, can you find yours? If not, how can you fan the flames so you can burn bright?

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you consider yourself resilient? If not why? If so why? List some examples. What can you do to make sure you have what you need to be more resilient? How has your self-care been? Where can you do better? Where have you done better? What stops you from trying new things, or from moving forward? How can you overcome this? We are capable of anything, it’s all in how we choose to see it, make sure we’re setting ourselves up to rock our resiliency and give ourselves the tools we need to pick ourselves up and get what we want from life. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you