change

You Can’t Change The Past, But You Can Change How It Affects You

There is no going back.

No rewinding. No editing. No alternate ending where we made the perfect choice every time. The past is fixed. It happened. And for a long time, I let mine define me.

Before I began this healing journey, I used my past as proof that I was a victim. I told those stories in ways that supported that narrative. Sometimes I wanted sympathy. Sometimes I wanted validation. Sometimes I wanted an excuse for behavior I knew was not aligned with who I truly wanted to be.

And here is the truth I eventually had to face.

In many of those situations, I had a role. Sometimes a small one. Sometimes a big one. But denying that kept me stuck. It kept me repeating patterns. It kept me living in yesterday instead of building today.

The moment I committed to honesty, especially with myself, everything began to shift.

Owning Your Story Changes Its Power

Taking responsibility is not about blame. It is about freedom.

When I stopped pointing outward and started looking inward, I began to see patterns. Choices I had made. People I had allowed into my life. Boundaries I had not set. Truths I had ignored.

At first, that realization was uncomfortable. I had built an identity around being wronged. Letting go of that identity felt like losing something familiar.

But what I gained was far greater.

Clarity. Growth. Self respect. And the ability to change.

Once you see your patterns, you can interrupt them.

And that is where transformation begins.

The Past Only Has The Power You Give It

I used to carry shame, anger, and frustration everywhere I went. Those emotions colored how I saw myself and others. They influenced my reactions. They shaped my expectations.

But when I started living more honestly, those emotions began to loosen their grip.

I learned to ask different questions:

What did I learn?
What would I do differently now?
What boundaries do I need moving forward?
What forgiveness is necessary for peace?

Sometimes forgiveness was for someone else. Sometimes it was for myself. Often it was both.

And slowly, the past stopped feeling like a prison and started feeling like a teacher.

Patterns Become Signals Instead Of Traps

One of the biggest gifts of reflection is recognition.

When you understand your patterns, familiar situations begin to feel different. You notice warning signs earlier. You pause before reacting. You make decisions with awareness instead of autopilot.

Early on, I often did not know what the “right” response was. So I learned something important.

Pause.

Life is not a game show. There is no prize for responding fastest. Taking time to think, to ask questions, or to seek guidance is not weakness. It is wisdom.

And with practice, better decisions become more natural.

That is growth in action.

Changing Today Rewrites Tomorrow

You cannot rewrite the past, but you absolutely shape what comes next.

When we act with honesty, integrity, and awareness, the weight of past mistakes lightens. They stop defining us because we are no longer repeating them.

We admit when we are wrong. We make amends when possible. We learn. We adjust. We grow.

And suddenly, the past becomes context instead of identity.

That shift is powerful.

It creates space for self respect. Confidence. Peace.

Healing Requires Compassion Too

Responsibility does not mean harsh self judgment.

Some experiences truly were outside our control. Some situations were painful, unfair, or confusing. Acknowledging that is part of healing too.

The key is balance.

Accountability where we had choice. Compassion where we did not.

Both are necessary for emotional freedom.

And both allow us to move forward without dragging the past behind us.

You Are Allowed To Outgrow Who You Were

This might be the most important part.

You are not required to remain the person you were during your hardest seasons.

Growth means evolution. Awareness means change. Healing means forward movement.

Your past informs you.

It does not imprison you.

And every day offers a chance to choose differently.

SLAY Reflection

Let’s reflect, SLAYER:

S: When you think about your past, what emotions come up most strongly?

L: What patterns or choices do you now recognize that you could approach differently today?

A: Where might forgiveness, either for yourself or someone else, create more peace in your life?

Y: What is one small action you can take today that reflects who you are becoming rather than who you were?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
How have you learned to reinterpret your past so it supports your growth instead of holding you back?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who needs permission to move forward without being defined by yesterday, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

There Is Purpose In The Process

We live in a very result oriented society. It’s easy to only focus on what the end result will be, or what we want it to be, instead of enjoying, or, taking note, of the journey to get there. Many times, the journey is meant to be the result. Life is about learning, growing, changing, and so sometimes life will dangle a juicy carrot in front of us, so we’ll take the leap and start doing the work, when the carrot was really never the actual prize after all, it was the journey itself. There is purpose in the process.

When I first stepped on this path I had a goal in mind, I had set a date, a milestone for myself, with a very distinctive end result, that I wouldn’t want to die, and I did get that result by the desired date, but what I also got was the realization that all of those days between day one and and that date I had set for myself, all of the work, the new relationships, the changes, the challenges, were just as important, if not more so, as the actual goal. Yes, not wanting to die was a very important goal to reach, but all of that other stuff laid down the foundation from where I could continue to build and of where I stand today. We get so stuck on what the prize is, that we don’t realize the journey is also the prize. It may not feel like it as we struggle, step out of our comfort zone and walk through fear, but it is. The fact that we are doing all of those things, or have done them, is the prize. No matter what the end result, we win.

Today I certainly still have goals and places I’d like to reach in my personal growth, but I don’t worry so much about them as I do staying present during the process. And I also know, from walking on this path, that sometimes that carrot is only there to entice me to start, and that prize was never meant to be mine in the first place, because what I was going to learn along the way was far more valuable. So I don’t question it. I don’t try to figure it out, I just try to be present and in the moment, and looking for opportunities to learn and grow, looking for what I am supposed to be taking away from all of the challenges and obstacles that come my way, and making note of the victories. It’s all of those things that, when I’m paying attention, give me the courage to keep moving forward, to keep challenging myself, and that give me the knowledge that no matter how scared I might be, or overwhelmed, that I will walk through it for the better, because I have so many times before. As my life has settled down, mainly because I stopped creating chaos many years ago, I now that get rush when I do something that I’m afraid to do, but it’s a better rush, because I’m not going to have to clean up a mess after, or hide from what I’ve done, I now can use those victories to share with others, to encourage them to do the same, as was done for me by countless others who had walked before me.

What if you slowed down today, and thought about the process? Took note of each of the steps you have taken to get where you are today. Where you would like to go, and how you are going to get there. Now, you’re not going to know all the steps you need to take going forward, but at least the first step, keep your eyes on the prize as it where, but, keep paying attention to the process, therein lies the greatest prizes of all. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you someone who is very result oriented? Do you get so stuck on the results that you try to rush or force the process to get there? What do you think you might be missing during the process? Do you ever think that you’re not getting what you want because you’re prize is actually learning during the process? Does that scare you? Why? SLAYER, as I’ve said before, we only know a little, we only know our part and not how it fits into the big grand picture of things, so trust the journey, the path you are on, and trust that those challenges you encounter are coming to you for a reason, so the reaction is not, why is this happening to me, the question is, what am I supposed to learn from this, and it may just be patience, to just take each step as it comes and know you are exactly where you are supposed to be and at the time you are supposed to be at. Let go your expectations, your restraints, let go, and just be.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Don’t Stop Before The Miracle Happens

I was speaking last night at a rehab center in LA. I enjoy speaking to people who are at a crossroads in their life, it’s something I relate to very much, as I have had many, but one in particular where I chose to step into the light instead of slip into the darkness. We do always have a choice. I never plan what I’m going to say when I go to speak, I trust that the words will come out of my mouth that are meant to and that my story or message will land where it’s supposed to land. I was reminded last night of a miracle I experiences early on in my journey, a milestone that I had placed importance on, and that if I didn’t feel better by that milestone I would set out on my original plan to take my own life. I made a promise to myself three months earlier, that I would work to live in the light, that I would do what was suggested and dive into whatever work I needed to do to get better, and if I didn’t feel better at the end of that three months then I was free to let go. But something miraculous happened. When I hit that three month mark, having worked very hard to change the way I had been living and better myself, I no longer wanted to die. Now, I’m not saying it was all rainbows and unicorns from then on, it certainly was not, and I had a lot more work to do, but I wanted to stay and do it. By changing my actions, by doing what I could to take action in a positive way I had changed the trajectory of my life. It was, by all accounts, a miracle, as I had spent years prior wanting to die, and at that moment, on that milestone, I realized I didn’t. That was the first miracle I’ve received on this 12 year plus journey.

I’m grateful to always remember that. It reminds me that anything is possible. Change makes things possible, it’s not always easy, but when we stick to it, dedicate ourselves to it, miracles happen. They truly do. I am a living example of that, and each of us who has made it back from the depths of darkness and despair are as well.

A big part of that for me is sharing my story with others, because it not only may give someone else the hope they need to start their journey, or continue on their path, but it reminds me that miracles do happen and to keep going. That what I need to focus on is doing what’s best for me and my mental health, and when I do, and am able to be my best self, miraculous things happen. When we are at the depths of our depression, our despair, it doesn’t seem like anything will or can help, it seems hopeless, and it only is if we don’t take positive action to bring some light into our lives. And, believing we deserve to. As I’ve mentioned before, it starts with willingness, if we are willing things start to happen, it may be slow at first, but willingness opens the door, even if just a crack, and the more we take action to live in the light, the more that door opens and the more light comes in. That all may seem really daunting at first, or from where you’re sitting right now, but, you only have to do the next right thing, that’s it, just one thing, and that one thing will lead you to the next, which will lead you to the next and so on. But it starts with one thing. You don’t have to worry where all those things will lead you, just keep doing them and you will be amazed because before you know things will change, shift, get better, just by doing those small things each day. I started over 12 years ago and still do them each day, and each day I am amazed at the beauty that my life has and the many miracles that have happened along the way, but the most important miracle of all is that I am here, and that today I want to spread and share my light with others, rather than die in the dark.

Go find your miracle, stay on the path of light, and watch your life change. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you want things to be better for yourself? What gets in the way? What can you do today to step into the light, to take action and get yourself on a better path? What has stopped you in the past? Is this something real or what you tell yourself to keep yourself in the dark? Is it something someone else tells you? Why do you think they’re telling you that? No one has the right to tell you who you are and what you deserve, only you can do that. So stand up SLAYER, dust yourself off and change your path, step into the light and start the story of the rest of your life.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Change will not happen if you’re waiting for some other person or some other time.  You are the change you are looking for. You can make the change you seek.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Chapter

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! For every positive choice you make in your life, something else also changes for the better, change creates more change, and creates a chain reaction.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Different Choice

Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes

Why are we so averse to change? Well, we’re certainly not averse to the circumstances changing in our lives that we don’t like, we just don’t want to have to change to change it. Therein lies the rub. Change starts with us. In order for anything in our lives to change, we have to make changes in order for that to happen. Did that just make you break out in hives?

Change used to make my anxiety level shoot up immediately. I hated change. I can still sometimes be resistant to it, but now it’s more about when a website changes its interface and I can’t find anything, or a favorite restaurant changes its menu and gets rid of my favorite dish, why do they do things like that? I have learned on my journey so far that I need to make the changes I want to see happen, I need to do the footwork, without that nothing changes.

I used to live my life in this constant cycle of same. One day just like the next because I kept doing the same things. I hated where I was, but I only knew one thing and I stayed there, just spinning my wheels to insanity because every day was just like the last. I kept thinking that life would just change it for me, by somehow just wishing for it, without any more effort from me than that. Well, if that’s you I’ve got a newsflash for you, it won’t change, and if it does, it’s probably for the worse, not better. You have the power to make a change and to set your life in a new direction. When I did that for myself, for me, it was reaching out for help, that act set the course of my life into one of recovery, of hope, of better choices, of self-love and healing, that one act of change changed the entire direction of my life, which as lead me right here.

Knowing what the power of change has done for me, I now look at change as a powerful act, something I can do because it’s within my control, I can choose to make different choices, better choices, I can make choices that are loving to myself, that honor myself, and when I do that, my life always changes for the better. Instead of looking at it as work, I now look at it as taking my power back instead of acting like a victim of life, I can make positive changes that will take me in the direction that I want to go, life will always do it’s dance, but if we can change our steps or learn some new dance moves, we can learn to dance along with it, even if we get knocked down from time to time, when we fall, we learn, and we make different choices the next time that same dance comes our way.

If we are not changing, we are not learning, we are not challenging ourselves, and testing what we are capable of, what we believe we deserve, and showing the universe we are willing to do the work to get it. When we demonstrate our willingness to change, the universe listens. And sometimes it starts right there, just by being willing, even before we are ready for the act, just the consideration of it can bring about change.

We all have sat in a state of frustration and thought, when are things going to change, they’re going to change when you do, so why not start today? What’s stopping you SLAYER?

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you averse to change? Why do you think that is? What about change scares you, or makes you uncomfortable? What do you think your biggest roadblock is to change? How do you think you can overcome that? In the past, have there been instances where you have made a change and the result was different? Site those examples. Do you see that you making the change or changes caused things in your life to change? What stops you today from making changes? What in your life today, that you have control over, can you change to live your life in a healthier happier way? What’s stopping you? I challenge you SLAYER to be open to that change, to consider it, and of course, to take the necessary steps to make that change for you. Find it in you to overcome your fear to change, and make that fear less than the fear of staying the same. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYERS! Demonstrate love by giving it unconditionally, to yourself. As you do you will attract others into your life who will also love you without conditions.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Owe Yourself

When You Have The Understanding, You No Longer Need The Experience

Before I started to walk in this path I was often heard saying, “why do these things always happen to me,” I felt like I was in the movie GROUNDHOG DAY, always seeming to find my way in similar places and problems and not understanding how I kept getting there. Well, I kept finding myself in the same situations because I hadn’t grasped the understanding of how I kept getting there, or how to get myself out.

The universe will keep sending us the same people, places and things until we learn what we’re supposed to learn from them. And sometimes, it can send us the same things wrapped in a different package, just to make sure we got it. I’ve found, in my life, that happens with different types of people, they may look different, but the nice package is just wrapping up the same gift, and it’s up to me to get past the pretty wrapping to see that it’s already something I’ve sent back.

In a way, now, I look at the moments when I kept asking why my gift. It was a gift that I recognized the same situations or type of people kept popping into my life, but it was about taking the right action and using that gift to my advantage. Now when it happens, I know right away, and I know what I have to do, because I’ve done it before. Identifying the patterns of life, or our patterns, is where we want to be, because when we notice any kind of negativity popping up, we can do something about it. As I always say, when “bad” things happen, it’s really just information, life is showing us what we’re supposed to see and do, and so when it does, we need to take action in a way that’s loving to ourselves and that honors us.

I’ve found that once I make the change in my behavior, or correct my actions from the past, those situations no longer pop up in my life. It goes back to my blog “Level Up,” we move up to the next level, as it were, because the universe believes we are ready for the next chapter and what’s to come. Sometimes that can be frustrating, like life is always testing us, challenging us, by throwing obstacles in our way, and, making life harder than it needs to be, but, those tests and challenges make us who we are, they give us stamina, strength, and the courage to keep moving forward and challenging ourselves even m ore. It’s those victories that propel us to where we are supposed to go next. It’s those victories that become our foundation from which we can continue to grow.

There is a plan for us, we may not know what it is, and many times, might not understand what path we’re on, but nothing happens in life by mistake, even the mistakes, it’s all designed to get us where we’re supposed to go and be who we’re supposed to be, so the sooner we stop fighting that, fighting for our own way, fighting to have things done when we want them, the sooner life will start to roll out the way it’s supposed to, and the sooner we’ll have piece of mind from not fighting it. It goes back to finding a healthy dose of faith, faith that the universe has your back and wants the best for you, faith that you can handle whatever comes your way, and faith that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Trust the journey SLAYER, let go and look for understanding in the places you find yourself, as soon as you do, you may have earned yourself a way out of having to relive that situation again. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you often find yourself in similar situations? Do you feel like you are a victim of these situations? Do you see the patterns of your own decisions or actions that have gotten you there? What can you do to stop yourself from getting there again? What do those patterns teach you? What patterns of your past have you stopped or changed? How did you do that? What patterns would you like to change? How can you start to do that? You can SLAYER, you can choose to look at the people, places and things that you don’t like and change those patterns in your life, you can make different choices, better choices, more loving choices, and, you can say goodbye to those things that no longer serve you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

How We Love Ourselves Teaches Others How To Love Us

Fasten your seat belts, we’re talking self-love again today! I know, this is a struggle for some of you SLAYERS. But here’s the thing, as we learn to love ourselves, we teach those around us how we want to be loved, and how we expect to be treated by those in our lives. How we love ourselves causes a ripple effect in every aspect of our lives. It starts with us and as we learn and love ourselves we change our pattern of self-doubt, hate, disrespect, abuse, harm, and we start to replace it with healthier behaviors, loving behaviors, and as we do the people in our lives take notice, some, maybe, not in a positive way, as they’ve grown accustomed to the way we were, and, how they’ve been interacting with us, but how they receive this new information of self-love isn’t our business, what is our business is continuing to grow and love who we are and showing the world how to love us back in the same ways.

It all starts with us. Now, I understand that sometimes before we love ourselves we’re better able to love others, and for some of us, that is a great way to back into loving ourselves, as long as loving others doesn’t replace loving ourselves, but when we love others it shows us that we have the capacity for love, that we are caring individuals, that we can give love, so if we turn that back on ourselves, and think about why we love to give love to others, how that makes us feel, why we love to do it, why we think it’s important, and what we think about as we’re doing something nice for someone else, all of those things pertain to you as well. Apply all of those same reasons, feelings, motivations, back to you. And, if you have trouble at the start, ask your friends or family, what they love about you, and, write them down. Write down what they say and look at those things, take them in, and don’t listen to that bullshit committee who might be telling you that they’re lies, they’re not, look at those beautiful words and say, “that’s me, I am all of those things,” and once you can accept that, why wouldn’t you want to love that person, nurture that person, take care of that person who would be described using all of those beautiful words? Of course you would, you are a loving person, I know you are. The fact that you took the time to read this blog today tells me you do love yourself, even just a little today, to seek out the answers for you, to learn and grow for you, to see if maybe there was something you were missing on your journey of self-love.

Now, as I mentioned, not everyone might be on board with this new self-love change, and that’s OK. It might not feel OK when they resist it, but it will as you realize that if they are not willing to love you, and respect you’re new way of life, then they cannot be a part of it, our at the very least, as active in it as they once were, if they are pushing back that is not a loving gesture to you, and they might not be capable, or wanting, to change their behavior to adapt to the new self-loving you because they really enjoyed the way they’ve been able to treat you when you didn’t love yourself. Let them go. They may come back at another time, when they are ready to make the changes, or they may not, but, as difficult as it may be to say goodbye, new people will come in, people who will love you and be on board with this new way of life, sometimes it takes people time to change, and to understand the new us, sometimes it’s just a matter of time, and sometimes it’s not about time, it’s about moving on. We have to remind ourselves that when we’re living in a self-destructive, self-loathing, self-hating way of life, that we look for and attract people who will treat us that way, so when we change, they may not, but we need to stay the course of our self-love destination and trust that we will be surrounded by love as we continue to love ourselves. Trust me on this, I’ve walked this path, and not everyone made it with me down the road, but many did, and our relationships got stronger, better, deeper, as I learned to love myself. It takes work, but it can be done, and, you’re worth it.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you see how loving yourself can lead others to love you the same way? Can you think of examples in your life that by you showing someone how you’d like to be treated they’ve started to change how they interact with you? Can you think of examples when someone has pushed back, not wanting to change? Who are the people you would rather have in your life, the ones who love us enough to follow our lead, or the ones who refuse to? On the path of self-love SLAYER we aim to have people in our lives who also love us, who grow and change with us, who honor our authentic selves and lift us higher by showing us their love and support, as we do them. It always starts with us. When we love ourselves, we show them how we’d like to be loved, so set the example and then reap the rewards. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Be gentle with yourself, and others, a kind word or gesture can be difference between the bloom of a beautiful flower, or a wilted bud scorched by the sun.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Kindly