Good morning SLAYER! We are not given a good or bad life, we are given a life, and it’s up to us to make it good or bad.
New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!
change
All The Bad Is Good
I was speaking other night at a facility that houses people who are working to get their lives back on track, or maybe on track for the first time, these were people who were at their bottom, and if they weren’t they should have been, but some of us have many bottoms before we begin our journey out, and then there are some who never make it out and continue to bottom out until they run out of chances. I spoke honestly to them, and I looked at each of their faces as I told them my journey, ending with telling them that all the bad that’s happened to them is really good. I meant that, the bad is good, if we use those experiences to teach us and motivate us to learn and make better choices from there. When I said that they looked skeptical at first, but I could see, as it began to settle in, that look on some of their faces that if they look at those times as good, they then got to take their power back to change, and grow, and, find some good.
When I started my own journey from the darkness, I couldn’t see how everything I had been through, everything that had gotten me to where I was, was anything good. I still was in victim mode, thinking that all of those things were done to me and that I had no control over them, but in reality I played a part in most of them, and the ones I didn’t play a part in, I was still responsible for how I reacted to them, but I couldn’t see that at the beginning. It was a hard pill swallow when I had to take responsibility for my part in all of those things, especially the things I instigated that harmed me more than anyone else, those things were the hardest to come to terms with. I also let people harm me, thinking that I deserved it, or to continue to tell the story I wanted to tell, which was that I was a piece of crap who didn’t deserve anything good. Once I was able to forgive myself for all of those things, I was able to see the good that could come out it.
In reality, I had a blueprint of what not to do, of what didn’t work, and when you think about that, that’s a pretty good blueprint to have, that is some useful information, because, when we’re searching for new ways to do things, for better ways, for ways that honor us, we can always look back at what not to do, and, maybe try doing the opposite of that as an alternative. See, no matter what we’ve done in the past, it’s all good, it’s good because we are making a commitment to not take part in those activities and actions anymore, and we now have a wealth of information of what not to do, and in turn, a way for us to keep ourselves in check, when we are in doubt, we can look back and make sure we haven’t fallen back into old habits, or, we can see the progress we’ve made.
When I looked out to the room, to those faces that night, to those people who were looking for some hope, I smiled and told them I was once just like them, that we are all the same, we may look different, we may come from different backgrounds, have held different jobs, but at the end of the day, we, those of us who have gotten ourselves to our own personal bottoms, who have felt lost and alone, we all have the power to change to our stories, we have the power to step into the light and be our best selves, we can turn the bad into the good, and how do I know, because I’ve done it, and so can you. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Looking back, can you see how the things you used to label as bad can be looked at as good today? List 5 “bad” things that you can now see the good in. How, out of those things, can you take what happened, or your actions, and use them in a positive way today? How can you use that information to make better choices in the future? Good vs. bad is all a matter of perspective, we can extract some good out of almost any situation, and when we start looking for the good, and looking for the lessons, we start to change our outlook on our past and we see how it can be useful to our growth, it can also be empowering to look back and know, we’ve changed our patterns, we’ve broken the cycle, to become our best selves.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Today I’m Feeling Blue
I write this today not because I want people to ask me how I’m doing, or to tell me it’s going to be OK, I know that, and please, I’m fine, but I write this today because it’s important to acknowledge how we feel. I’ve written before how it’s OK not to be OK, and it is, but I think when things are not OK, or they don’t feel OK, or we’re just feeling down, we don’t always voice it, and it’s just as important to voice that truth as it is when we’re doing great.
When I first stepped on this path and I started attending regular support groups, it was great to hear people making progress and how their lives had improved, but it was just as important, and maybe even more so, to hear when people were going through a rough patch because if I wasn’t feeling great that day I knew I wasn’t the only one, and that because I wasn’t feeling great I wasn’t doing it wrong, it was just the ebb and flow of life. So, that is why I share this with you today.
What is going on? It’s been an emotional week in a lot of ways, some things have come up from my past, I’m working on getting something new started and am excited about that, and there some things that are out of control that I’m frustrated with, so good and bad, the ebb and flow, but I think it has just weighed down on me emotionally. I do a lot of things every day, I wear a lot of hats, and I do always take time for myself and recharge, but sometimes I just feel heavy. And I’m feeling heavy.
Now I know this will pass, I have some really fun things to look forward to this weekend, and I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am, and when I get to this place emotionally, I know that means it’s time to get to work, to look at what is weighing me down and come up with some solutions of how I can make those lighter, or what I am able to change. It’s rare now that I have these days, it feels so foreign to me now, I used to live my life in these days, one after the next, so to have one pop up only once in a while is the result of a lot of hard work, work that I know to do to move past this place I’m currently in.
It’s a good time to take stock, to look at my life, the people in it, the choices I’m making, and see if all of it is aligned with who I aim to be, who I’ve worked to be, who I aspire to be, to look at what can change, or maybe what needs to change. Me feeling heavy is a sign that some things are off, or I’m holding on to some things I need to let go. We can only ignore the things we should be addressing for so long before they all catch up to us, they don’t typically go away unless we send them away. So it’s a time for me to take some extra time for myself, to reflect, to get quiet, to recharge and to take action.
Again, I write this today because I made a commitment and a vow to myself to always be honest here at STATE OF SLAY, and today, this is my honest self, and I do that because I always encourage you to do the same and I always intend to stay accountable for my own actions, so if you are also feeling blue to today I send you my love, we are in a position to make some changes, and that, really, is a great place to be, and something we have control over. If you are feeling blue you are not “doing life wrong” you are feelings your emotions and you may have some things you need to address. We get to decide the narrative of our story, we get to decide if we’re going to have a good day or bad day, and even though I may have a heavy heart, I am still going to have a good day, because I am choosing to, and when I choose to and I choose to focus on the good I will find myself in the good, and that I know to be true, and you will too. SLAY on.
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you acknowledge when you are feeling down? Do you tell people? Do you have a special someone you confide in? How do you feel after you share your truth? Do you sometimes find a solution by sharing your truth with someone else? Do feel lighter after sharing your truth? If you don’t share your truth, why not? What holds you back? What do you do to release it? Do you release it? What changes or actions can you take today to release some things you may be hanging on to? What do you need to let go? Let go of what you no longer need, or what weighs you down, let it go, and set yourself free. Smile SLAYER, it’s going to be OK.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! You can only get better through action.
SLAY on!
Are You Afraid Of The Solution?
We can get so used to living in our own darkness that we let fear keep us from a solution. Our brain tells us that we can’t get better, our fear backs that up with unhelpful thoughts that are based on old information and stories that don’t have to be, or may not be, our present, but if we let them dictate our lives, they will continue to hold us back, and they’ll keep telling us those same old stories and those same old fears will keep us from getting well. We have the power each day to make better choices for ourselves, to take positive steps that will walk us into the light, to give us tools to live a life we deserve, and one that can be our “new normal.” It’s incredible how much pain many of us endure, at our own hands, because it’s what we’ve come to know, and even though we may not be happy there, we stay, because it’s the normal we do know, the thought of stepping out of that normal into something healthier, brighter, and better may be so scary we’d rather stay in the dark and continue to suffer there, even though there may be solutions all around us, and, people to help us get there. We are the only ones standing in our own way of recovery, or a better way of life. And as hard is it may be to believe for someone looking in at us, we might even be hanging on to that part of our life, not wanting to let go and set ourselves free. We may identify with it so much that the thought of it no longer being a part of our lives may leave us wondering who we would be without it. Who we would be, and could be, is our authentic selves. The people we were meant to be, who we aspire to be, who we can be. We can have all of the things we would like, it is going to take work, likely a lot of it, but there is no better person to invest in than yourself. Change can be scary, but look at it like you are giving yourself a software update, you are still you, but with some upgraded features to make you run more smoothly, more secure, and maybe with some new apps, or bells and whistles to make your life run easier.
All sounds good right? So what holds us back. Our friend fear. I talk a lot about find out the facts, well, fears aren’t facts, they are feelings, and feelings aren’t always accurate information, feelings can have all kinds of things attached to them that we’re not even aware of, things from our past, things that haven’t even every happened. When we live in fear we are not living in the present moment, we are living in the past or the future, when we live in the present moment, and are always looking at the facts we have, what we know to be true for sure, we are safe, we can make sound decisions, and we can start to let go of those fears that haunt us. Our brains like things to stay the same, they like to know what’s coming next, or what the outcome will be, and when things are changing fear likes to jump in and tell us it’s protecting us, but it’s really holding us back. It’s when we walk through those fears that they start to lose their power over us, and when we practice walking through those fears, our brain stops telling us to be afraid because it now has proof that when we’ve made changes everything is still OK, in fact, it’s probably more than OK and is better, so it stops trying to, well, stop us. The trick is to walk forward even if you’re in fear and trust that if you’re doing something that is for your greater good, that it’s going to be OK, and if it’s not, then you’ve learned a valuable lesson to be used for the next time, but even that is good, it’s learning, it’s growth.
I know for myself when I started to get better it felt very uncomfortable, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin because I was used to wearing the skin that I had been wearing for years and years, and even that skin didn’t feel good, I knew what that skin felt like, it was familiar to me, and when I started to make changes in my life, that skin no longer felt good, but neither did the new skin, it felt foreign, but I was told from many who had walked this path before me that it would feel uncomfortable at first, but to keep wearing it because one day it would feel great, it was just my brain trying to pull me back to the place I had been. I learned to get comfortable in the uncomfortable, and now I know when I’m there it’s because I’m changing, and, that’s a good thing. In fact, when I get too comfortable I know that’s the time to challenge myself again, that I’ve gotten lazy, so now that comfortable place I used to sit in is no longer desirable because I want to continue to grow and continue to challenge myself.
I know you can do this, I did, and I doubted I could many times when I began this journey, but I just kept putting on foot in front of the other, and I surrounded myself with like-minded people to support me on my journey. Walk through your fear, let go of the past, and step into who you are meant to be.
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let your past dictate your present? How do you do this? Why do you do this? How do you think it hurts you? What step can you take today to overcome this? Do you think you let the comfort of staying where you are keep you from moving forward? Why do you think you do this? What fears keep you from moving forward? What are these fears based on? How can you overcome them? SLAYER, I know you have it in you to become your best self, but you have to work to move forward each day, and on those days when you fall back, and you will, you have to get right back up again and keep trudging forward, as someone who has walked before you, I promise, the more steps you take, the easier the journey becomes. SLAY on.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYERS! The most important thing in life is to remain teachable.
New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!
You Can Unlearn What You’ve Learned
So much of our behavior was picked up by what we’ve learned along the way, or what we’ve been taught by others, but just because we’ve always done something one way, or those around us have, doesn’t mean it’s the best way for us today. Many of us can get stuck in the past and continue to practice behaviors that no longer suit us, or perhaps never did, because that’s the way we’ve learned how to do it. But, just as you can learn something, you can unlearn something and try something new, something that might work better for you, something that honors who you are today, or who you’re aspiring to be. So how do we break out of old patterns and start making new, healthier, ones?
First, recognize the patterns. Start paying attention to those times in your life when you feel things aren’t working or you’re not getting the desired result. Ask yourself what you could do differently. How you can make changes to get the result you’re looking for, or at least with the intention of it. Look for areas in your life where you find yourself saying things like; “this always happens to me,” or “people always treat me like,” or maybe “I never get to…,” start looking for the patterns and make a note of them, write them down, when they come up, think back to when you started noticing the patterns in your life, were they always there, did something change, did you change, but most importantly, how can you start to change those patterns?
Be accountable. It does us no good to talk about change, to have the intention of change, without taking action to make change happen in your life. Taking action also includes take responsibility for past actions that have gotten you to a place of dissatisfaction or dishonoring who you truly are. Own the actions of your past. This may seem like a negative thing, but in truth it’s positive, because you acknowledging the mistakes of your past to make better choices, positive choices, as you move forward. I am a firm believer in not faulting ourselves for things we never learned, or were taught from someone who may not have had the best teacher themselves, we can’t fault ourselves for not having the right tools, but we can fault ourselves for knowing we don’t have the right tools and continuing to use them anyway. If you need someone to back you up on your changes, tell a trusted friend what you’re setting out to do, sometimes just saying it to someone else will keep us accountable to ourselves and keep us working toward our goal.
Keep your emotions in check. I’ve said this many times, feelings aren’t facts, they can trick us, they can be from situations and relationships that are not a part of our present life, so watch what comes up when you start to make changes, because when we change our behaviors old feelings like to sneak up on us and throw fear our way to stop us from doing things differently, they may even tells us we can’t change, but we can, so watch for those emotions as they try to get in your way. Unchecked, they’ll pull you back to the original place you’re working to move on from. If you can identify where and why they’re coming up, you’re better able to navigate around them and be honest with yourself about your fears and feelings from the past. Fears are a good indicator that you are not living in the moment, you are living in the past.
Find the lessons in any situation. I always say, it isn’t, or wasn’t, bad if you learned something from it. When we find ourselves in a place we don’t want to be, there’s always a lesson there, and then it’s up to us to not find ourselves there again, but, for many of us, it typically takes more than one lesson to drive the point home, but it doesn’t have to. If something doesn’t go well, or end up the way you had intended, look for the lesson in that, learn what you can do differently the next time, and when the same situation comes up, and it will, look for the warning signs and navigate around it.
And lastly, when we consciously make an effort to make different choices things change, we change, and we start to make choices that are better for ourselves, choices that honor who we are today, and not the person of the past. We have a choice each and every day how we are going to engage with the world, how we are going to behave, react, how we are going to allow others to engage with us. That is all up to us, and no one else gets to dictate that except us. Turn off the “auto-response” of how you always have done things and ask yourself why, and if that way still is in line with who you are today.
Your day today doesn’t have to look like your yesterday, you have the power to change old ideas and patterns that no longer fit in line with who you are. Make different choices, make choices that honor you, and soon those choices will become your new normal. SLAY on.
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you often just do what you’ve always done, or what you’ve been taught, without asking yourself if those ways still suit you, or ever did? Do you often find that you’re not getting what you want, or the desired result from your choices or actions? Do you see patterns in your life where the same choices are causing you pain, disappointment or frustration? What can you do differently to change those outcomes? What behaviors do you recognize in yourself that no longer serve you? Make those changes SLAYER, just because you’ve always done something one way in the past doesn’t mean you have to continue to do it that way, unlearn what you’ve learned, and, learn something new, learn a new way, try new things, and find a way to find more self-love, honor and respect for yourself by making better choices for yourself.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Release The Investment In Your Suffering
Some of us have invested a lot in our suffering over the years. For some of us it has become our identity, the fabric of who we are, and how we present ourselves to the world. But what is it really getting us? How is it helping us? It’s not.
We may feel it protects us, we may feel we belong there, we may not know how not to live without our suffering, we maybe be told it’s what we deserve, we may tell ourselves that we deserve it, we may not even know we’re living in our own suffering. I used to fall into a few of these scenarios, but I mostly identify with feeling that I belonged there and playing the martyr. I always thought I was hard done by, that bad things were constantly happening to me and I played the victim, but then I would also tell myself that I deserved them. Therein was the insanity of my brain. But I had invested a lot in my suffering, and when I didn’t think I had suffered enough I created my own suffering to make sure I was getting enough. I also used my suffering to manipulate other people into feeling sorry for me, to get what I wanted. I figured out every way I possible angle of suffering I could to torture myself and to use to gain what I wanted. But when I stepped on this path and I was told I was going to have to let it go, I got scared, suffering was all I knew, and, I had invested a whole lifetime into it, that’s a lot of work to throw out, and, what would I replace it with?
What I did replace it with is self-love, was with respect, with learning who I was, what my voice sounded like, and filling that void with good, something that made my stomach turn at first because the old me, the one who relished her suffering, didn’t want the good to come in, because who was I without my suffering? Without my suffering to hold onto like a life raft, I had to learn who I really was, because when I took the suffering away I was a bit of a blank canvas, so much of my time went into perpetuating my suffering I didn’t know how to bring in the good, and it felt scary to release the bad. But what I’ve learned on this path is that when things feel scary that is good, it means there is change happening, change that is needed, it means I’m walking on uncharted territory and trying something new, and I know from doing it time and time again over the last 12 years that something great always comes out of that. I’ve learned to get comfortable in the uncomfortableness of change. I’ve learned to look forward to it even, crazy right? It’s when I just feel comfortable that I know I’m not moving forward, and it’s easy to stay stuck there, to hang back, to settle in, but nothing great happens when we stay stuck, it’s when we reach out, take a leap of faith, and do what we’ve never done before that the shifts occur, that the magic happens, so now, when I start to do something new, to challenge myself and I start to feel uncomfortable, I know that that’s when I need to find comfortableness in that place, because a new normal is approaching, a normal that I have never been to before, a normal that will become comfortable and take me to the next uncomfortable place.
The key to all of this is to let go of your suffering, your suffering is an old story you used to tell yourself, it no longer serves you, it is holding you back from becoming your best you, of realizing your dreams, of making your life bigger and brighter, and of you realizing that you are not defined by your suffering, you are defined by your actions, by who you are today, but who you aspire to be. Let go of past and step forward into who you are meant to be.
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you hang on to your suffering? Do you have a hard time letting it go because you’ve invested so much time into it? So much of your life? What do you think will happen if you let it go? How will it hurt you? How will it help you? Do you see how it holds you back from moving forward? Do you see it’s not who are truly are? You have the power to let it go, to shed your suffering and start anew, to discover who you really are, who you want and are meant to be. You wouldn’t keep wearing an old pair of shoes that are worn out and no longer fit you, so why are you still wearing a worn out story that no longer fits you today? Let it go SLAYER, and find the real you. SLAY on!
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
I Am…
We believe what we tell ourselves, we believe ourselves more than we believe anyone else, so what we tell ourselves matters, it makes a difference, and it can be the difference of us succeeding or failing.
I used to have a yoga instructor who was a beautiful vocalist, and at the end of each class she would sing “I Am…” and then follow it with different things, I am strong, I am beautiful, I am courageous, an on she went until the end of class, it was beautiful, and it always brought a tear to my eye…well, usually both eyes, because for most of my life what came after “I Am” for me were always negative things, I am not good enough, I am a freak, I am a loser, I am weird, I am different, I am a failure, you get the point, it sure wasn’t anything inspiring, and when I started on this path my self-esteem was so low and I hated myself so much I physically couldn’t look myself in the eye and say anything positive.
What we say to ourselves we believe, and when we continue to say negative things we reaffirm to ourselves that we are exactly where we are supposed to be, that we don’t deserve the good, and not worthy of anything better. We say things to ourselves we would never let anyone else say to us. Why do we allow ourselves to do this?
There are many reasons why we say these negative things to ourselves, they could be things that were said to us as children, at home or at school, they could be the result of our own unrealistic expectations, or they could be a source of self-sabotage to keep us from moving forward or achieving the goals we want to achieve because deep down we don’t believe we deserve them. Figuring out why we say them is the key to turning that negative self-talk into positive. It takes work. All the most rewarding stuff does. But it’s always worth it. Asking yourself where the negative self-talk comes from is the beginning, working on what comes up from that, for me it took working with a counselor to make sense of it all and to start changing that negative self-talk into positive self-talk. It wasn’t easy at the beginning, it took a lot of contrary action, doing the opposite of what I had been doing, or wanted to do, to make better healthier choices for myself. It took me focusing on the things I was grateful for. Again, at the beginning, it wasn’t easy, some days the only thing I could think of was, it’s sunny outside, but, that was a start. It’s about changing your personal narrative, changing your story, you have the power to do that on any given day at any time. You can take steps to stop the negative chatter, or at least keep it to a whisper. I’ve been on this path for over 12 years and some days it still can get loud, so it’s not setting out with the expectation that it will go away completely, but about building up the tools in your toolbox for combating it, learning how to throw positive things at the negative chatter and turning your thinking around. I know that can be done because I’ve done it. Work to focus on the good each day, challenge yourself to compliment yourself on at least one thing when the negative comes up, and seek outside help if you feel you can use some extra guidance.
I no longer wake up with the negative thoughts racing through my head, today I work to come up with positive words to describe my “I Am.” I am strong, I am a warrior, I am a survivor, I am good, I am fallible, I am trustworthy, I am love, I am confident, I am happy, I am generous, I am…I am me, there is only one, and that is my superpower! And that is also yours.
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you say negative things to yourself? Why do you think you do that? How does that hurt you? How does that help you? What do you think would happen if you started replacing the negative self-talk with positive self-talk? What can you do to start doing that each day? I challenge you, SLAYER, to write down 5 things you love about yourself, when you notice the negative self-talk pop up, look at that list, say it out loud, start making a habit of saying positive things to replace the negative, and know SLAYER that it is a process, if you slip back into the negative that is part of the journey, no one gets it right all the time, but you do get the chance to do it right right now. SLAY on!
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Slay
Good morning SLAYER! You are enough and you have enough to get started, even if you only have a maybe in your heart, maybe is enough. Start now.
SLAY on!
