change

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Embrace those parts of you that don’t know they’re loved yet.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Butterflies

Embracing Is Acing

Before walking this path the only thing I was embracing were the outside things I thought would fill me up. None of them ever did, not in the long-term. Sure I might get a hit of satisfaction or relief, but soon after that emptiness would creep back in. Back then, I couldn’t even fathom embracing something I deemed negative. Which, was pretty much everything in my life, including myself.

When I sought help and started to change my behaviors and embarked on a path of self-love, I had to learn to embrace all of those things I didn’t like. Those imperfections in myself, and in my life. Which was a lot to take on. I was pretty much unhappy about everything. But I started with learning to find acceptance first. And boy, that took some work, but learning to ease off, to let go, to look at each thing and ask if there was something I could do to change it, asking myself, honestly, why I didn’t like it, and using that information to move forward. If there was action I could take I had to take it, otherwise I was not permitted to complain about it. Fair enough. And if I wasn’t ready to take action, I would write down what the action should be, will be, because that was the only action I was ready to take in that moment. Finding acceptance for the things I couldn’t change came next. I felt frustrated, trapped, and discouraged. But if I was going to get better I had to learn to let those things go, they weren’t serving me, they were only bringing me down.

And that’s it really. It’s taking a look at our lives and what is helping us and what is pulling us back, or keeping us staying stuck, and then doing something about those things that aren’t helping us get to where we want to be, or, robbing us of our peace and serenity. There are a lot of things I have no control over, and once I was able to let them go the happier I became. In terms of myself, I was eventually not only able to let go of my hate, judgment, or disappointment for those things n myself I didn’t like, I learned to embrace them. Embracing my flaws made them my assets. And yes, there are some that do hold me back, but the more I practice living in the light and living in my truth, the more those personal flaws start to lessen their grip on me.

As you know, I am a big believer in contrary action. Doing the opposite of what we’ve always done. That is the only way to get different results. And when we practice contrary action not only do the results change, but so do we. Our self-confidence grows, our self-esteem gets bigger, we start to love ourselves for who we are, and we start to see what makes us special. We learn to embrace who we are, all of who we are, and we begin to live a life that supports that love and is more loving to ourselves. When we are embracing we are acing. A reminder that we need to embrace our true selves, it’s only then that we begin to ace life, in whatever that means for you. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you struggle with embracing who you are, flaws and all? What holds you back? Why do you think you have trouble? The reasons you’ve cited, are they stories from your past that you’ve continued to hold on to? Let them go, those stories are old, and no longer you, only if you allow them to control your present. Write out who are you, as a person, what makes you you, write out your hopes and dreams, and then write down what holds you back. What can you do to diminish or get rid of those things that hold you back? Maybe even embrace them and make them work in your favor. You can SLAYER, if I can you can, I believe in you. Start looking at those things as something positive, something you can overcome, work around make you stronger to go after those things you want in your life, to be the best version of you. Take charge and focus on what you can do to move forward, and letting go of the rest. Embrace who you are and what you are, and you’ll see many of those obstacles fall way.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Anger Is A Response To Fear

Might have made you think about that for a moment. It’s been regarded for some time that fear is not a base feeling or emotion. It is something we use to cover up feeling disregarded, unimportant, accused, guilty, untrustworthy, devalued, rejected, powerless, and unlovable. None of those feelings are good, and we certainly don’t want to feel any of those feelings, so many of us, will go to great lengths to cover them up, and anger is one heck of a smokescreen.

Anger can scare people away, get them off the scent of what’s really going on, especially when it seems to come out of nowhere, people can get jolted by, fearful of it, or match that emotion and get angry themselves, it can be contagious, and when everyone is angry the true source of the anger gets lost.

When I think back to who I used to be I got angry a lot. And, when I’m really looking at the source to my anger many times it was to hide what was really going on, because, I figured, no one really wants to deal with an angry person, so people will just leave me alone or just give me what I want so I would go away. That sounds really sad when I see it in black and white. But it’s the truth. I hid behind anger as a shield so I wouldn’t have to look at what was really going on. And what was really going on is that I wasn’t able, or willing, to look at my part in all of the things I was using anger to hide. I wanted to blame everybody else, any thing else, rather than even consider I may be causing myself most of my pain by the decisions and choices I was making. So when I got caught in a place where I had made a bad decision and felt embarrassed by the outcome, I would get mad, angry, to hide my own shame.

It’s funny because now that I no longer allow myself to do that, I see it in others. When someone gets mad or angry I begin to think what might be the actual issue, rather than just jump in and match their anger, or, feel hurt by their actions. Now, I’m human, so there are times I do get hurt in the moment, but I try to peel that back and look into what really may have been going on. It allows me to find some compassion for the other person, and, if they’re willing to talk, find out what the real issue is. For me today, if I suddenly flare up and feel angry, it is my job to look at what is really going on. Now that I no longer live my life in fear, many times it’s base is from a choice I’ve made, that I probably knew was not the best choice, but I made it anyway and now I’m suffering the result of that choice, so, I’m angry. But the right response to those situations should be, lesson learned, I’ll make the right choice next time. Allow myself to feel the frustration of that result, but not let it take over and have power over me letting it escalate to anger.

When we take away anger as a base feeling, it already seems to lessen it’s power and strength over us. And when we feel anger creep in, that’s another time to get out our SLAYER detective hats on and find out what’s really going on. What our anger really is is an opportunity to do better next time, it’s giving us information we need to avoid feeling that way again from the same source, and, we may feel it again from that same source a few times over, I know for me, it usually takes more than once before I get the hint, but, the point is we look for it and we try.

Take away anger’s power, look at it for what it truly is. Change what you can, and accept what you can not. Those are truly the only two antidotes for anger. SLAY on my friends!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let anger get the best of you? Do you find yourself angry and don’t know why? Do you know why and are using anger to hide something? What do you typically use anger to hide? Why do you do that? Is there something you can do so you’re not making the same decisions that get you to anger? What can you change or do differently? When you feel angry, are you able to pinpoint the source of it? Think of the last time you were angry. What was the source of it? And, no, I don’t mean point fingers to someone or something else. What was your part? What can you change for the next time so you don’t find yourself in anger. Take responsibility for actions SLAYER, we all make mistakes, so admit them when you’ve made them, you’ll be surprised how many people will understand, and maybe even help you, when you are honest about who you are and what you’ve done. Anger doesn’t help anyone, and it keeps you in the same cycle you’ve always been in. Break the cycle, kick anger to the curb by changing your path, our actions, the choices you make, and take your power back from anger.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

How Do You Want To Feel?

I was speaking with a friend the other day about not feeling good about a situation and he turned to me and asked, “how do you want to feel.? That got me thinking. How did I want to feel? And as I started to think about it, I started to feel it. For a few moments I felt the way I wanted to feel, and that got me thinking. What action do I have to take so that I feel this way?

We often can get stuck in our feelings, and feelings can be tricky. They can be tied up in some many things and not necessarily with how we feel about our current situation, but can be tied to experiences and trauma from our past. I know for myself that there have been times on this journey where I gotten triggered by something, unbeknownst to me at the time, and I have reacted to how I’m feeling thinking it is a genuine feeling about where I am currently at, but it’s not. Something or someone has hit that trigger and it’s pulled up something that has nothing to do with the person standing in front of me. It used to baffle me. My hair-trigger reaction to things seemed to flare up immediately, and if I didn’t pause to think about why I might be feeling the way I was I would just react and react to whomever was standing in front of me, only to feel badly later on, or, if I was really not present, blame them for something that they were never involved in at all.

With the help of counseling and therapy I now have a better sense of what those triggers mean and what the root of them are, so that when one flares up, I can, when I take a moment, realize what the true source of that feeling is. Feelings tend to have a lot of baggage, and far-reaching tentacles in our lives. But feelings also aren’t’ facts. Feelings can tell us a lot about ourselves and what’s going on for us, but we can also manipulate them, or have a skewed perception, of what the true facts actually are. I used to romanticize a lot of things, or, make them far worse than they really were. It was all about really high highs and really low lows for me, when really, a lot of those things, probably fell more in the middle. But the memory of them, and my feelings of them, where at either a 1 or a 10. and, I would get stuck there. To the point where it seemed like I either didn’t care or I was in a complete rage, with no warning. Sometimes that can still happen, and when it does I know I have more work to do there, it’s a sign that I still need to work on what that trigger is and how to make peace with it.

But back to feeling the way you want to feel. Just by thinking about that, you do feel that feeling. It’s like an instant shot, and it may only stay for a moments, until our brain kicks in and brings you back to reality, but, if it can do it for a few moments we know we can go there, it’s attainable, we can get it, so the next question is, how?

You know I’m always about taking action, it’s what keeps us on a positive path, and makes us warriors. So, what can you do today to feel the way you want to feel? When you ask yourself that, the answers come, and if they don’t, just start by taking some positive action, any positive action, and keep asking yourself that same question. Sometimes, we can’t do it alone, I know I couldn’t at the beginning, and sometimes I still need the help of someone else, so don’t put pressure on yourself to have it all figured out right away, it takes practice, and there’s no prize for doing it alone.

Choose to feel the way you want to feel, and if you don’t, take action to go after that feeling. Even the thought of that makes me feel good. Take action to feel good SLAYER.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to get stuck in the way you are feeling and feel like there’s no way out? How would you rather feel than how you’re feeling right now? What can you do to attain that, or, get closer to it? What have you tried in the past? What has worked? What hasn’t worked? What have you still not tried? What would you like to try? Try it SLAYER. Think right now, about how you want to feel, and before your brain kicks in to say you can’t, say yes I can, and go after that feeling. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Good habits are formed the same way as bad habits are, through practice. Choose to practice for your good.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Rewarding

Create Healthy Habits, Not Restrictions

When I first stepped on this path I had to change most of the ways I did things. I had to face the fact that me doing things my way brought me to my knees. That my best thinking had gotten me to my bottom.  And that I couldn’t do it alone, and that trying to do so I caused myself a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering.  The habits I formed were based on two things, fight, or flight,  none of them were healthy, and the unhealthy part of myself loved that, thought I deserved that, and gave me a small twang of pleasure when I would act out on those habits that were harming myself. So, because I practically had to start from scratch I had to look at all of those changes as new healthy habits, not restrictions.

Restrictions were something I always pushed back at, I still do, but try to soften and look at the reasoning behind them, but when I was starting to get better, even though I had positive intentions, I still had a negative mind, the word restriction was still, very much, a four letter word to me. The last thing I wanted was something that was labeled as limiting or controlling. I had already cut out all of the things that I had been using to numb myself and to get by, so to think of replacing all of those things, which I thought freed me from my thoughts and feelings, I certainly wasn’t going to be on board with anything that was a restriction. And, because this new path was one that was one of better mental health, replacing those vices with healthy habits seemed like a better fit, and one I wasn’t going to rebel against as much, because when I did come up against that resistance I would remind myself it was for better health. Going back to the word health, I also had to remember that old habits can be difficult to break, especially when you’ve used them most of your life, so you’re going to slip back into old behaviors, so when I did, I had to learn to be kind to myself and recognize that even if I slipped, even the recognition that I had slipped was a win, and to love myself for that and try the better choice the next time. Those negative voices in my head would pop up and tell me that I was a failure and that I couldn’t change, but I had to try to ignore that as best as I could, and, counter those thoughts with something positive to show myself that I could change, and that doing something good for myself, and loving, through the learning process was change and proof that I could make that positive change if I just kept trying to do it.

It’s just like going on a diet. When we restrict the foods we eat we tend to just want them more, or we feel deprived, but if we just strive to eat healthy and make better choices in our diet, even if we slip it’s not the end of the world, we just make a healthier choice next time. The idea of a restriction just makes most of us want to rebel and plow through that restriction with a vengeance, or at least I do. Looking at something as a healthier choice is a positive way to look at the changes you want in your life. It’s about making a choice to put a positive spin on the work you are doing to be your best you, even that itself is a healthy habit.

I continued to add more and more healthy habits in my life which eventually replaced most of the unhealthy ones, some of those old ones just don’t want to go away and pop up from time to time, but the good far outweighs the bad, and when the old ones do pop up, I can recognize them and use them to identify what’s going on for me that my old, negative, ways have jumped in thinking they were right for the job. They now help me pinpoint what may be wrong and what I need to address or work on, so, even those negative habits can be turned into something positive.

SLAYER, if you’re working on making changes in your life and the thought of restrictions, control, or limitations make your skin crawl, flip the script, and think of them as healthy habits, ways for you to walk in the light, to be someone you can be proud of, and someone who may just inspire others to do so as well. Make healthier choices for the life you want to live, and the person you are meant to be, it’s all in your hands to make it happen.

SLAY OF THE DAY:  When you hear the word restrictions what do you think of? How does that make you feel? How have you reacted to restrictions in the past? If you hear the words healthy habits, how does that make you feel?  What healthy habits have you implemented in your life? How has that changed or life or made it better? Which negative habits do you struggle with? When you notice yourself fall back into old behaviors, what is your reaction? Do you beat yourself up? Or, do you acknowledge them and strive to do better next time? Habits take time to form, good or bad, so set your intention to make better choices, with that intention you are always looking to do what’s right and best for you, but no one gets it right every single time so include, with your intention to make better choices, the choice to let yourself make mistakes and learn from them, it’s within that place that we learn the most. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Don’t forget to say thank you, especially when you stumble or don’t get what want, it’s those times we learn the most, be grateful.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Thank You

You Can’t Change The Past, But You Can Change How It Affects You

There is no going back. No way to erase our past, make different choices, take different action. The past is, well, the past, it is what it is. Before stepping on this path I used the stories from my past to back up the narrative that I wanted to tell, that I was a victim. I would use it to try to manipulate people to get what I want, to get them to feel sorry for me, or show them how I had been wronged. In reality, most of that past, those stories, I played a big part in, but I couldn’t see that when I was living in the dark, I wasn’t willing to. I used my past as an excuse to act out, to act badly, or to not act at all. If someone called me out on my behavior I would cite a time from my past that I thought justified what I had done in the present, and by doing that I was letting my past have power over me, I was also letting it affect my present by continuing those behaviors and mimicking those situations over and over. It wasn’t until I made the commitment to get better, to live my life in the light, to be honest, to everyone, especially myself, that I realized that how my past affected me could be changed.

Instead of walking around with shame, anger, or frustration about my past, I learned to take responsibility for my part, and in most cases I did have a part. As soon as I was old enough to have a choice my part was all over the negative places in my past. I had chosen to engage with certain people, I had chosen not to follow through on what I promised, I had chosen to lie or manipulate someone or a situation, I had chosen to steal, I had chosen to…well, the list went on. It was hard to look at that list at first, because I had crafted my whole identity around being a victim, and even when I could see my part, I would justify it because I was a victim. Getting better for me meant stopping the blame, pointing the finger back at me and asking what I could have done better, and where I had no choice, looking at what I could learn from that person or situation that I could use going forward. If there wasn’t anything, I had to learn to accept it and I had to learn to forgive, the other person, and, myself. Tall order right? It seems so when you think about how much life you’ve lived, and how much damage has been done, but when you break it down, and write it down, and really look at it, look for the patterns, what that gives you is some very useful information about yourself. It shows you where you tend to fall, where you tend to back down, where the action does not serve you, and were you’re not honest. It shows you all of that, but the good part of that is if you make a choice to not continue that behavior, you now know what to look out for, so when you’re about to fall back on those old behaviors, a warning should pop up, it should seem familiar, and it’s at that moment that you should think about your next move and what the next right action is. Now, when I first started doing this, sometimes I didn’t know, so I had to pause to think about it, or in some cases, reach out to someone else and ask for help. As I always say, life is not a game show, there is no prize for the fastest response, so if you’re unsure of what to do or say, pause, and if you’re still unsure you can certainly say that you don’t have an answer at the moment and will get back to the person, or need to step away. As simple as that. Change takes time, and you have to give yourself the gift of time to get into the habit of being honest, and looking for the right thing to do or say instead of falling back into old habits.

When we practice taking the right actions, for us, and also considering the other person, our past tends to be less of a collection of bad memories and experiences. We take responsibility for actions and when we are wrong, we admit it and make it right if we can, or, at the very least, apologize or make an amends. Our past cannot be changed, but when we change our present it no longer affects us the it had because we are no longer that person, we are striving to be better, and more honest about who we are, those mistakes from our past no longer hold power over us because we admit to our mistakes, and, we have let them go. Move forward SLAYER, learn about yourself from those experiences, and in doing so let go, and how you think about your past. You do have control over what your past means to you, and how it affects you today. Take what you can from it, and discard the rest, what’s important is the decisions you’re making today, and how you move forward from this point on. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: When you think about your past is it mainly negative? Why is that? Write down three big moments from your past you think affects you the most. Did you have a choice in being in that situation? If yes, why did you choose to be there? Why did you make the choices you did within that situation? Where you being honest and true to yourself in those choices? What can you do differently today to make better choices for yourself? If you did not have a choice, how can you find forgiveness, in yourself, or perhaps the other person(s) involved? Or, how can you move on from something in your past that holds you back? Sometimes it helps to have someone help you, for me that came in the form of a counselor, as well as some trusted friends, and people who shared their experiences with me, so look for ways and people who may be able to help you through this process, there is no shame in asking for help, I certainly needed to, but it’s worth the work and effort, to set yourself free of a past that you have let shackle you to a time that no longer exists. Break free and let yourself go.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

There Is Purpose In The Process

We live in a very result oriented society. It’s easy to only focus on what the end result will be, or what we want it to be, instead of enjoying, or, taking note, of the journey to get there. Many times, the journey is meant to be the result. Life is about learning, growing, changing, and so sometimes life will dangle a juicy carrot in front of us, so we’ll take the leap and start doing the work, when the carrot was really never the actual prize after all, it was the journey itself. There is purpose in the process.

When I first stepped on this path I had a goal in mind, I had set a date, a milestone for myself, with a very distinctive end result, that I wouldn’t want to die, and I did get that result by the desired date, but what I also got was the realization that all of those days between day one and and that date I had set for myself, all of the work, the new relationships, the changes, the challenges, were just as important, if not more so, as the actual goal. Yes, not wanting to die was a very important goal to reach, but all of that other stuff laid down the foundation from where I could continue to build and of where I stand today. We get so stuck on what the prize is, that we don’t realize the journey is also the prize. It may not feel like it as we struggle, step out of our comfort zone and walk through fear, but it is. The fact that we are doing all of those things, or have done them, is the prize. No matter what the end result, we win.

Today I certainly still have goals and places I’d like to reach in my personal growth, but I don’t worry so much about them as I do staying present during the process. And I also know, from walking on this path, that sometimes that carrot is only there to entice me to start, and that prize was never meant to be mine in the first place, because what I was going to learn along the way was far more valuable. So I don’t question it. I don’t try to figure it out, I just try to be present and in the moment, and looking for opportunities to learn and grow, looking for what I am supposed to be taking away from all of the challenges and obstacles that come my way, and making note of the victories. It’s all of those things that, when I’m paying attention, give me the courage to keep moving forward, to keep challenging myself, and that give me the knowledge that no matter how scared I might be, or overwhelmed, that I will walk through it for the better, because I have so many times before. As my life has settled down, mainly because I stopped creating chaos many years ago, I now that get rush when I do something that I’m afraid to do, but it’s a better rush, because I’m not going to have to clean up a mess after, or hide from what I’ve done, I now can use those victories to share with others, to encourage them to do the same, as was done for me by countless others who had walked before me.

What if you slowed down today, and thought about the process? Took note of each of the steps you have taken to get where you are today. Where you would like to go, and how you are going to get there. Now, you’re not going to know all the steps you need to take going forward, but at least the first step, keep your eyes on the prize as it where, but, keep paying attention to the process, therein lies the greatest prizes of all. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you someone who is very result oriented? Do you get so stuck on the results that you try to rush or force the process to get there? What do you think you might be missing during the process? Do you ever think that you’re not getting what you want because you’re prize is actually learning during the process? Does that scare you? Why? SLAYER, as I’ve said before, we only know a little, we only know our part and not how it fits into the big grand picture of things, so trust the journey, the path you are on, and trust that those challenges you encounter are coming to you for a reason, so the reaction is not, why is this happening to me, the question is, what am I supposed to learn from this, and it may just be patience, to just take each step as it comes and know you are exactly where you are supposed to be and at the time you are supposed to be at. Let go your expectations, your restraints, let go, and just be.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Don’t Stop Before The Miracle Happens

I was speaking last night at a rehab center in LA. I enjoy speaking to people who are at a crossroads in their life, it’s something I relate to very much, as I have had many, but one in particular where I chose to step into the light instead of slip into the darkness. We do always have a choice. I never plan what I’m going to say when I go to speak, I trust that the words will come out of my mouth that are meant to and that my story or message will land where it’s supposed to land. I was reminded last night of a miracle I experiences early on in my journey, a milestone that I had placed importance on, and that if I didn’t feel better by that milestone I would set out on my original plan to take my own life. I made a promise to myself three months earlier, that I would work to live in the light, that I would do what was suggested and dive into whatever work I needed to do to get better, and if I didn’t feel better at the end of that three months then I was free to let go. But something miraculous happened. When I hit that three month mark, having worked very hard to change the way I had been living and better myself, I no longer wanted to die. Now, I’m not saying it was all rainbows and unicorns from then on, it certainly was not, and I had a lot more work to do, but I wanted to stay and do it. By changing my actions, by doing what I could to take action in a positive way I had changed the trajectory of my life. It was, by all accounts, a miracle, as I had spent years prior wanting to die, and at that moment, on that milestone, I realized I didn’t. That was the first miracle I’ve received on this 12 year plus journey.

I’m grateful to always remember that. It reminds me that anything is possible. Change makes things possible, it’s not always easy, but when we stick to it, dedicate ourselves to it, miracles happen. They truly do. I am a living example of that, and each of us who has made it back from the depths of darkness and despair are as well.

A big part of that for me is sharing my story with others, because it not only may give someone else the hope they need to start their journey, or continue on their path, but it reminds me that miracles do happen and to keep going. That what I need to focus on is doing what’s best for me and my mental health, and when I do, and am able to be my best self, miraculous things happen. When we are at the depths of our depression, our despair, it doesn’t seem like anything will or can help, it seems hopeless, and it only is if we don’t take positive action to bring some light into our lives. And, believing we deserve to. As I’ve mentioned before, it starts with willingness, if we are willing things start to happen, it may be slow at first, but willingness opens the door, even if just a crack, and the more we take action to live in the light, the more that door opens and the more light comes in. That all may seem really daunting at first, or from where you’re sitting right now, but, you only have to do the next right thing, that’s it, just one thing, and that one thing will lead you to the next, which will lead you to the next and so on. But it starts with one thing. You don’t have to worry where all those things will lead you, just keep doing them and you will be amazed because before you know things will change, shift, get better, just by doing those small things each day. I started over 12 years ago and still do them each day, and each day I am amazed at the beauty that my life has and the many miracles that have happened along the way, but the most important miracle of all is that I am here, and that today I want to spread and share my light with others, rather than die in the dark.

Go find your miracle, stay on the path of light, and watch your life change. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you want things to be better for yourself? What gets in the way? What can you do today to step into the light, to take action and get yourself on a better path? What has stopped you in the past? Is this something real or what you tell yourself to keep yourself in the dark? Is it something someone else tells you? Why do you think they’re telling you that? No one has the right to tell you who you are and what you deserve, only you can do that. So stand up SLAYER, dust yourself off and change your path, step into the light and start the story of the rest of your life.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you