Self Help

The Shame And Guilt Quilt

When I was deep in my illness, I walked around constantly wrapped in the shame and guilt quilt. I had draped it over myself so long it became familiar—almost “safe.” But it wasn’t protecting me. It was hiding me.

I carried guilt, shame, regret—and I let them keep me distant from the people I loved, from solutions that could have helped, and ultimately, from myself. I believed I didn’t deserve better. I believed the quilt was my identity.

When Shame Becomes an Identity

We’ve all done things we regret. We’ve made choices we’re not proud of, acted out of fear or desperation, or compromised who we were for what we thought we needed. That part is human.

What turns normal regret into something destructive is when we let shame and guilt become our identity.
We wear them like badges. We drag them into new relationships, new jobs, new eras. We whisper:

“I’m a shame-person.”
“I’m a guilty person.”

When you think that way, nothing positive can penetrate your armor. The quilt blocks the light. It keeps out healing, connection, authenticity.

—

Why We Keep the Quilt On

There are many reasons we cling to the shame and guilt quilt:

Comfort in the familiar. Even if the quilt stifles you, at least you know it.
Belief in punishment. “I deserve this.”
Fear of change. Letting go means vulnerability.
Protection from hope. If you believe you’re unworthy, hope can feel dangerous.

For me, the quilt felt safer than the unknown. Better the pain I knew than having to trust someone else—or myself—to be different.

The Price of Carrying the Quilt

Pulling the quilt around your shoulders is exhausting. It weighs you down in unseen ways.

You avoid connection because you think you’re “too much” or “not enough.”
You hide portions of your life and truth, self-isolating in the name of “keeping up appearances.”
You stop believing you deserve healing, comfort, or unconditional love.

And still—you keep it on. Because the cost of letting it go seems higher than the cost of carrying it.

But here’s what I discovered: the cost of carrying it was far greater than the cost of releasing it.

Choosing to Shed the Quilt

The turning point for me was nearly my last. When I realized I had to step out from under that quilt—or I would lose everything that mattered.

It took:

Courage to acknowledge: “I’ve been hiding.”
Humility to ask for help.
Willingness to unwrap the quilt piece by piece, admitting mistakes, offering amends, offering self‐forgiveness.

One of the biggest revelations was this:

Forgiveness isn’t about excusing what happened—it’s about releasing what happened.

Once I forgave myself, the quilt began to fall. And with each piece I left behind, more light found me. More connection. More freedom.

What Happens When the Quilt Comes Off

When you let go of that old wrapping, a few things start to shift:

Your identity changes. You stop seeing yourself as the sum of your mistakes.
Your relationships open up. Others don’t have to tiptoe around your walls. You don’t have to hide.
Your decisions become driven by growth, not by fear of being found out.
Your mental & emotional energy frees up. You’re no longer spending 80 % of your day hiding what you’re trying to heal.

The quilt may have kept you “safe” from being seen—but spending life unseen is a cost you never wanted to pay.

How to Begin Removing Your Quilt

Acknowledge what you’ve carried. Sit with one piece of the quilt—guilt, shame, regret—and name it.
Write it out. Get the shame on paper. Speak out loud what you’ve been hiding.
Ask for help. You don’t have to do this alone. Connection replaces isolation.
Offer yourself forgiveness. “I saw, I felt, I made choices—and now I choose something different.”
Choose differently today. One small boundary, one honest conversation, one act of self-respect. The quilt loosens.
Celebrate unwrapping moments. Each time you live without the weight of a secret, light finds you.

SLAY Reflection

Do you feel like you’re still wrapped in a shame and guilt quilt?
How does carrying it help you—and how does it hurt you?
What would letting it go allow you to feel or do?
How would your day change if you didn’t have to hide parts of yourself?
What is one small step you can take today to un-wrap something you’ve been carrying?

S – See the quilt you’ve been wearing
L – Let the light of truth and forgiveness in
A – Align with your worth beyond your mistakes
Y – Yield to freedom—un-wrap, un-hide, unleash the real you

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What part of your shame and guilt quilt are you ready to set down—and what might you gain when you do?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s walk out of the shadows—together.

And if you know someone who’s still carrying that quilt, send this to them. Sometimes, someone else saying: “You don’t have to keep carrying it,” is enough to help the process begin.

#SlayOn

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You may have no idea just how much you already have. Count your blessings today.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

Slay Talk Live Video

Hey SLAYER! Missed us today for SLAY TALK LIVE? Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.

SLAY on!

Someone Is Praying for What You Have Right Now

It’s easy to forget how far we’ve come.

On the hard days—when we feel lost, stuck, or like we’re not where we think we should be—it can be hard to see our own progress. We lose sight of the blessings. We downplay our growth. We focus on what’s missing instead of what’s already here.

But the truth is, someone out there is praying for what you have right now.

Even if it feels small to you. Even if you’re struggling. Even if today doesn’t feel like a victory.
To someone else, your “hard day” might look like a dream come true.

Prefer to listen? The Audio Blog version is available here.

Gratitude Lives in Perspective

Not long ago, I was sitting with a group of women I see regularly. One of them was sharing how far she’s come over the last three years, and she said something that stopped me in my tracks:

“On the days I feel low, I remind myself—there’s someone out there praying for what I have right now.”

That. That’s the perspective shift.

Even when we don’t feel our best. Even when things aren’t perfect. Even when we feel behind or broken or unsure—there’s someone out there who would give anything to be where we are.

Your Journey Is Worth Honoring

Everyone’s path is different. No two stories are the same. But most of us tend to minimize our own milestones, especially on the darker days. We often see our blessings last, long after others have already noticed the light within us.

But that doesn’t mean they’re not there.
You’ve come a long way—even if today doesn’t feel like it.

There were times in my life when I would have given anything to have the life I have now… even on my hardest day. I know what it’s like to feel like every day is a worst day. But I also know what it’s like to come through the other side—and forget, for a moment, just how far I’ve traveled.

That’s why I share my story. That’s why I speak about mental health and addiction. Because it reminds me—and others—that our stories matter. That our journeys aren’t over. And that someone out there might be waiting to hear exactly what we’ve been through so they can find their way forward.

Your Bad Day Might Be Someone Else’s Breakthrough

We’re all allowed to have our feelings. We’re allowed to be frustrated, tired, or sad. But we can also hold those feelings alongside a deep awareness of how much good exists around us.

There are people out there who would give anything for what we might take for granted. And that’s not about guilt—it’s about gratitude.

Gratitude grounds us.
It reminds us that we’ve already come through so much.
It keeps us humble.
And it helps us serve others from a place of truth, not perfection.

So even on the days when it’s hard to see the light—know that you are the light. And someone is praying for the glow you don’t even realize you have.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Reflect & Rise

Are you focusing more on what you lack—or what you’ve already overcome?

Do you recognize the good in your life, or does your mind lean toward the negative?
What blessings do you have now that you once prayed for?
When was the last time you acknowledged how far you’ve come?
What steps have you taken to be where you are today?
How can you use gratitude to fuel your growth?

Your path has power. And your progress is worth celebrating—even on the hard days.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s something you have today that you once dreamed of having?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s feeling stuck, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a reminder of how far we’ve already come.

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The most important person to keep promises to is yourself, promise to be true to who you are, what you want and where you should be.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

Live In Simple Sentences

We all have stories that dragged on too long. Stories we should have ended that we held onto because we hoped they would somehow turn into what we had imagined, or worked for, or stories that used to be good but haven’t been in a long while that we cling to because of what once was, and then there are those stories that never seemed to reach their full potential, and we stay thinking that there could be a day that they could change. Without a conscious period, or punctuation mark at the end, those stories can go on forever, leaving us feeling unsettled, frustrated and unsatisfied. The more a story drags on the more complicated it becomes, and the more we attach feelings and emotions around the people and circumstances of that story that can make it difficult for us to move on when we should. We too, can hang onto a story too long because we want to be right, we want to prove something or we are determined to make something that is broken work, even when perhaps it never did, but the longer we stay in a story we are not meant to be in, the further we get away from our intended destination.

I have participated in many stories that should have ended long before they did, or perhaps, should have never started. Sometimes out of fear, or adventure, or trying to make things right, when they never could be. I do believe that things happen when they are meant to, but I also believe that we can delay our growth, and those moments, because we don’t take them in the moments we should, and may never get a second chance. Sometimes we do get that second chance, if we’re lucky, and it’s meant to get us back on track and on the journey we are meant to be on. When we live in simple sentences we are living in the now. We are checking in and making sure we are doing what’s best for us today, and working toward our next destination. Living in simple sentences clarifies things, it cuts away all the excess, the things that distract us, or the things we hang onto that complicate an otherwise simple story, it helps us focus on what we want and what we need to do to get it. It keeps us looking forward instead of backwards, and helps us describe our past in simple sentences as well, which keep it in perspective, and keeps the lessons pure and simple.

Sometimes we find ourselves in a story with many run-on sentences, it’s during those times we need to start editing and adding some punctuation. Life can get complicated all on it’s own without us dragging some excess baggage with us on top of it all, keep things simple, and at face value for what they are, not what you think they should be, could be or would be. Stop watching the reruns in your life and end the stories that need to end, it’s when we let go of those old distractions that our future becomes clear, right before our eyes. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you hang on to stories that you should have ended? Name one. Why should you have ended this story? Why haven’t you? What can you do to end that story in your life? Why should you? How has hanging onto this story harmed you? How may it have stopped you from finding what you are looking for? What are you looking for? How can you go about getting it? Do you believe you deserve to get it? If not, why not? SLAYER, we all deserve good things, but we need to make sure we take the road blocks out of our own way so those things can come our way. We need to let go of the past and end those stories that hold us back from becoming what we are meant to be in the future.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! All you can change is yourself, but that can change everything.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

Just Look For The Green Lights

Everyone, at times, goes through periods where it’s hard to see the positive in our lives, maybe that lasts for only a few hours, a few days, or perhaps a few years, or more. I know, for myself, there were many years that I only saw the negative, and even when positive things did happen, I would find something negative to wrap it up in.

I was listening to someone share their story the other morning, a story that was much like mine, and she was talking about a time in her life when she couldn’t find the good. She had said that someone had suggested to her to count the green lights on her way home. She said she did, and when we got home she called that friend and said, “six, there were six green lights,” and she noticed when she said that she had a smile on her face. She had, even just for that moment, found something positive. I will put that one in my tool box for a day when I may need to count the green lights on my way home.

My life today is much more positive than negative, but my mind always looks for the negative. It will try to ruin any good day with fixating on things to bring some darkness to an otherwise great day, and if my guard is down, that darkness may just cloud over the brightness of that day. My disease is also very cunning, and as much as I’ve learned over the 13 plus years about myself and my disease, so has my disease, so it’s always looking for ways to work around that hard work I’ve put into living a happy and healthy life, something as simple as looking for green lights can turn that around.

It’s about focusing on the good. We, if we take our power back, can change our thinking, or mood, by what we choose to look at, surround ourselves with or engage in, sometimes it may just be a moment of relief, but it’s there for the taking if we take it, but the more we choose to take it, or the more we try, the easier it becomes to look and find the good, and the more we do that, the more the bad doesn’t feel good anymore. It’s also about believing we deserve the good. And we do. We all do. We have to believe we should have and do have good in our lives and we need to actively seek out positive things. Trust me, they’re there. The fact that you’re reading this right now is positive.

As I write this and think about the green lights in my life, I realize that I have always appreciated those green lights, and when I hit a string of them, it does always make me smile, but it’s also not attaching negative feelings to a red light, because we can look at those as a gift as well, a moment to exhale, to pause, before we restart our journey. I do still really love the green over the red though. But it’s about looking for the good in everything. Nothing happens to us without there being a reason, we may label it good or bad, but there is always something to take away from every event, experience or relationship, we learn, we grow, we are challenged to rise to the occasion. Nothing changes in our comfort zone, so when those difficult challenges come our way, they may have been sent to us to get us to change, to reach out or move forward because we’ve stayed somewhere too long.

Life can get difficult at times, especially during periods of change, but if we look for the green lights, the positive things in life, we start to see more of the good we have in our lives. Next time your out, count the green lights on our journey. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you typically look for the negative or positive in your life? If you find yourself in a negative place, how do you look for the positive? How do you find your way out of the negative? What happens if you don’t? What do you typically find as the reason for those negative times? What can you do moving forward to change that? When are minds get dark, that is the time to actively look for the light, it is always there if we look for it, and we no longer attach ourselves to the darkness of our past. Focus on a positive future.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Your silence does not protect you.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

When You Don’t Speak Up, You Set Yourself Up To Blow Up

I was just sharing the other morning with a group of women I meet up with regularly that before walking this path I would never share how I felt. I often shared my opinion, especially if it made me look good, or smart, or better than you, but I never shared my feelings, my fears or anything I felt was negative in my life. I stuffed down anything I thought was bad, but those feelings and thoughts didn’t just go away, they may have sat there for a while, and watched as I piled on other thoughts and feelings, and then, BOOM, there was an explosion and they would blow right out of me. That blow up can manifest itself in a lot of ways, it can take form of a verbal assault, it can manifest itself in self harm, self medicating, or physical abuse, it will take whatever form you are willing to give it, but it will take form eventually.

Keeping things inside doesn’t make them better, in fact, most of the time, it makes them worse. Holding in what you feel and think will cloud your decisions and result in actions that do not serve your best interests, and not only can they get you in hot water in life, they can also be the cause of health and physical ailments which will further aggravate how you feel and cause you to sink even lower to a depression. No matter what may be bothering you, it is important to always find a way to let it out. Talk about it, cry about it, walk it off, laugh it off, work it off, share it, pray about it, write about it, but get it out, let out those words, those thoughts and let them go, the moment you do, they lose their power of you.

At some point we must come to a place where we can trust someone enough to share who we really are, what we really are, and what we’re thinking. It took someone sharing their true selves with me, who recognized himself in me, to get me to open up, and once I did, a huge weight was lifted off of me. After a lifetime of stuffing down my feelings, numbing them or masking them as something else, it felt incredible to just let it all out. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone, at times, feels they’ve failed or have found themselves in places they never thought they’d be, but when we share those things with another individual it restores our humanness, it gives us permission to learn, to keep us humble and to allows someone else to see our vulnerability, it’s in that place that we get our power back, and we’re able to share that power with someone else.

We hold the key to our own relief. Let out your truth, no matter what it is, before you blow up and it all comes out in a way that you may need to apologize for later, or, maybe in a way that you can’t take back. When you speak up you release the pressure giving yourself time to heal, to exhale and to find a way back on the right path. We are all human, we all make mistakes, we all have feelings and we all struggle from time to time, when we share our true selves, in the moment, we open ourselves up to be teachable and we allow ourselves to connect with someone who may need to hear what you have to say, or, may just understand exactly what you’re going through. Accept that you will make mistakes, or feel hurt, or don’t know what to do, allow yourself to experience those things, to be those things, and to let those things go. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to share how you feel or keep your feelings bottled up? How do you feel when you don’t share? Do you tend to keep things under wraps until you explode? How do you feel after an explosion? What can you do stop the next explosion from happening? What scares you about that? Why do you feel you can’t share your thoughts and feelings with others? Have you had bad experiences in the past? What made them bad? How can you change that moving forward? Release the pressure and share what you may be holding inside that can cause the next blow up, that bomb can always be diffused with the truth, your truth, and can help you avert the next disaster.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

State Of Slay™

Where Self-Love, Mental Health & Real Life Meet

Self Help