perspective

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Time is what we can want most, but can use the worst.

New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!

state-of-slay Precious Resource

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Every day of your life is a special occasion and a reason to celebrate.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Celebrate Each New Day

Celebrate Instead Of Isolate

The holiday season is here and it’s a time that may not be all that jolly for everyone. I know for myself, before I started my journey on my current path, I dreaded all holidays. It was a time that made me feel like hiding or escaping and I felt pressured to have a good time and live up to not only my expectations but those around me. I just wanted to isolate, stick my head in the sand and wait for them to be over. Even in writing how I used to feel, I can feel my anxiety rising. Thankfully, I don’t feel that way today.

Before walking this path I was constantly hiding, even in plain sight. I could isolate anywhere, in a room of ten people or a stadium of people, it didn’t matter, if I felt uncomfortable, which was most of the time, I would find a way to distance myself from those around me. I thought it kept me safe, but all it did was keep me feeling lonely. What I didn’t know back then is that my disease, that negative self-talk that ran constantly in my head, wanted me to isolate so it could have it’s way with me, because if the voices in my head were the only voices I was hearing, I was going to believe what they were saying, and I did. Going into the holiday season felt like I was running a gauntlet of high pressured uncomfortable gatherings. The only way I could get through them back then was to numb myself, with whatever I could, even if it was dessert table and a tray of cupcakes, whatever it took to get outside of myself to get by. But that only worked while I was there, in the moment, then the sadness would kick in, that bullshit committee in my head would start up and I would beat myself up for not being “normal” and able to join in and have a good time. But, is everyone really having a good time? Probably not. And that brings me to the next hurdle I had to overcome, perception. Again, my head wants to tell me that everyone loves the holidays and all of the events of the season and everyone has a great time and finds it easy to socialize and engage with those around them. Now, I know today that isn’t true, and I’m sure you’re out there shaking your head too, but back when I was specializing in isolation my head told me the latter, and I believed it. There goes that anxiety spike again. The truth is that most people get anxious at gatherings and events and everyone is doing their best to look and sound like their not, and once I allowed myself to see that and believe that, my anxiousness became acceptable to me and I began to look for those people like myself, who seemed a bit awkward, and made a commitment to talk to them. Just like outside those gatherings, it’s all about finding your tribe and support group, and when you take off the “weirdo” glasses you think you’re wearing and look through your own eyes and the truth, you see that there are others, like yourself, who may be struggling out there. That’s when things started to change. I also used a back up system. I had my support team, those group of people who understood me and my challenges, and I would let them know I was venturing out for some holiday cheer, I would be accountable, and when I felt overwhelmed I would excuse myself and call and text someone on my team, then I didn’t feel like I was walking in alone, unarmed. When I let my team know I was nervous I would get messages back checking in or encouraging me to jump in there and participate, that made a huge difference to start, to know I had support. That support and my willingness to break out of my isolation was the key to learning to connect with people and actually starting to enjoy the holiday season by being in the moment rather than trying to live up to what I thought, or someone else thought, it should be. And for those gatherings that may not be healthiest place, having that support team in your pocket not only makes attending those functions easier, but also gives you some great conversation and connecting with that support on the ride home.

The holidays come ever year, whether we like it or not, so why not like it, maybe not all of it, but find the parts you like, or a willing to be open to liking, gather your support team and don’t head out there alone. Also, find a way to give back on those days that are most challenging. I have always found when I give back I find relief in my own anxiety or depression as the act of giving gets me out of my own head and allows me to see the good through others. So, if you find that you are finding this season particularly challenging, think about what you can do to make someone else’s day brighter, even if it’s just by picking up the phone. We all have the power to change our perception of the month ahead, why not find a magic in it that makes us want to celebrate instead of isolate. Change always starts with willingness. Be willing to find something to celebrate this holiday season. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find the holiday season difficult? Why is that? Do you tend to isolate over the holidays? How does that make you feel? Does that help with your feelings about the holidays? Does it make it worse? What can you do to isolate less? How can you find some joy and magic in the holidays? Is there any part of the holidays you do enjoy? Can you add something of yourself or something you love to the holidays? What is that? Many people have trouble getting through the holidays, you are not alone, find and hook in with your support team, stay connected with them as you navigate through the holidays season, and, look for those little things you might enjoy, even just for yourself, those little things may just blossom into a personal appreciation and holiday spirit.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Space is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself in times of upheaval or confusion, or, just to breathe.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Permission To Pause

The Negative Space

I was in a conversation someone who works in design the other day and she was talking about the beauty of negative space. It made me think, that yes, there is beauty in not having to fit everything in, in order or right in line with the next. There is something very beautiful with space between things, not only aesthetically but in life as well.

Before walking this path I was constantly trying to control everything. What I didn’t realize until I was in recovery was that my need for control was a result of me feeling out of control of my life and the world around me, so, I would dig in and hold tight trying to do the impossible, control the uncontrollable. Negative space, any space or gaps, made me nervous, I always wanted everything to line up and to be perfect. Well, I don’t know about your life, but mine, no matter how much I tried to force it, never quite lined up that way, not for long anyway, and when it didn’t, I thought I had failed. The insanity for me was continuing time and time again, day in and day out, to line everything up, and each day finding it didn’t. I never left room for any negative space, or anything I couldn’t see or label. Learning to leave that negative space caused me anxiety at first. Things felt unfinished, or undone, two things I never let happen while I was living in the dark, I always had to see everything to it’s conclusion and have it neatly tied up at the end, even if it was harmful to me. I had to change my thinking and my perspective to focus on my own self-care, and that had to take precedent over trying to finish something or lining everything up neatly so it looked pretty but may have damaged my heart and soul. I challenged myself to leave some space, or not finish something if it didn’t feel right or wasn’t in line with my new way of life. It was difficult to walk away at first, but I found my power in it, if I had made that choice there was a good reason, and that reason was me. I had to put myself at the top of any list and make sure whatever it was I was engaging in was feeding me with positivity, or teaching me something I needed to know or experience. I began to look at that negative space as self-love, of giving myself space to breathe, to let go and to allow for the possibility of the unknown, and as I did, my anxiety started to dissipate and retreat. I know today that the only control I have in my life is my reaction to what is around me and my intentions, that is all, and when I feel the need to try to control I can change that need to being of service to others, to finding a way, or ways, to make someone else’s day brighter or let them know they are loved and appreciated, when I focus on that intention, my need to control goes away, and I am no longer stuck in my head trying to run the show. Today I can find peace in the negative space because it’s where I can exhale and find some room to move, to investigate and to be open to new things. I have made that space a positive space.

We all have the ability to give ourselves some space, to leave some room in between those people, places and things we deem important or essential in our lives, and when we do, we open the door for new thoughts, new experiences and new ways of life, letting go of the patterns we may have been in that no longer suit us, or perhaps, never did. Learning to enjoy the negative space in our lives allows us to be gentler to ourselves, it always us room to learn and make mistakes, it gives us permission to be human and flawed, and it allows us to laugh where we may have beat ourselves up in the past. Find the negative space in your life, and look for some that you can expand and give yourself more room to grow. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you allow for any negative space in your life or do you keep things tight and lined up? If you don’t allow for any negative space, why is that? How does that help you? How does that hurt you? Does it frighten you? Why is that? What if you tried SLAYER, to ease off the control of our life and let there be some room for some negative space in your life, some room to let go and breathe. The answers you seek may just be in that space you so desperately try to avoid.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

When Eating A Piece Of Fruit, Thank The Person Who Planted The Tree

We live in a society that is all about consumption. It’s about being the first, about going faster and wanting more. We consume all day long, most of the time without thought. We are glued to our screens while we eat, while we walk and many of us even have a hard time staying present when we’re taking part in an activity we love. We, if unchecked, can walk through life blindly, having no awareness of what, or who, is around us, and how what it may have taken for us to enjoy what we do each day. I have a friend who once encouraged me to thank my house for protecting me, for keeping me warm or cool and for giving me a home. I first I kind of chucked to myself, but then I thought about it, and yes, I was grateful to come home to a place of safety, a place I enjoyed and was proud of, so why wouldn’t I say thank you. When we think about those every day things we may take for granted and we begin to appreciate what they do for us, what they give us in return, and, the work or effort that went in to those things before we used or consumed them, it sets us up to live in a place of gratitude, and while we’re in the place, we are not only happier in our own lives but we share that joy with those around us.

We are conditioned to always want something new, or what someone else has, social media plays a big part in this, and even though we know that what we’re seeing may not, and likely is not, the truth, we still judge our own lives compared to what we see. When we turn that energy into being thankful for what we do have and what has gone into each of the things we have that self-judgment and measuring our lives to those around us slips away, and we focus on all the good we have, and trust me, whether we are where we’d like to be right now, we all have a lot of good in our lives, starting with a roof over our heads. Give thanks each day, thank your home for protecting you, thank you car for getting you to where you need to go, thank your body for moving you around and giving the means to express yourself, be thankful for everything you have and everything you touch, and stop and think about how that came to be, the work, the craftsmanship, the design, the labor, appreciate it all and when you do it is a way of giving thanks, to all of those people who have played a part, but in your life as a whole. Even when we find ourselves in a tough spot, or feeling down, or struggling, we have a lot, and when we start to focus on what we do have we lose focus on what we don’t.

Take a moment today to be thankful for all of the things that make your day easier, better, safer, brighter, and better. Pause and be grateful, and work to slow yourself down as you navigate through your busy life to not just consume and a rapid pace, to think about what you have and how those things give back to you, it’s time you gave back to those things and said thank you. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think about how grateful you are to have what you have, or do you focus on what you want or what you don’t have? If you are grateful, how do you show that gratitude? If you don’t, what do you think you get in return by focusing on what you don’t have our what you want? How do you think it will change your perspective to start looking at your life with gratitude? Why don’t you start right now. Write a list of all of the things you are grateful for, and then think about who or what has made those things possible, find gratitude and give thanks to them. Living our lives in gratitude changes our thinking from negative to positive and when we have a positive outlook our world gets bigger and brighter, which we then share with others. Be thankful and give thanks for what you have, carry that gratitude in your heart as you navigate through your busy day, remembering to slow down to acknowledge all that you have.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

When Things Seem To Be Falling Apart, They May Be Falling Together

I was reminded yesterday, thanks to Facebook memories, which aren’t always a good thing, but yesterday was a good one, that one year ago yesterday my life changed, a change for the better, and a change that has brought me to this place I am today, gratefully so. Personally, a year go, I was not in a good place, a place that did not serve me, make me happy, or, was good for my spirit, I knew I needed to make a change, and had known for a while, but wasn’t sure what the next step was. An opportunity came, out of the blue, and I jumped at it, not knowing what was waiting for me on the other side. The reasons I thought the opportunity was going to be a good one turned out not to be what I received from it at all, what I received was something better, and unexpected. But it got me thinking today about this topic, when things seem like they’re falling apart, they may be falling together. We only know what we know, which, in the big picture, is very little, but we work with the knowledge we have each day to make the best choices we can. That’s all we can do. Many times we get caught up trying to future surf, trying to imagine or wish for what we would like happen when we should be focusing on what we can change in our present lives to possibly get to that place, or a better place for us. When things don’t go as we would like, or had expected, we can fall into depression, anxiety or fear and let the disappointment of what we had thought our lives, relationship or situation was going to be consume us allowing the negative self-talk to creep in telling us we’re stuck, alone or don’t deserve better, but what we should really be doing is accepting what is not meant to be and being open to what is next.

In my experience, life, very often, doesn’t go as planned, but, it always goes as it is meant to. The highs and especially the lows have all been designed for a reason, and each experience has gotten me right here where I am today. Many times those things I thought I needed or wanted, when I look back, likely saved me from heartache or a situation that may have ultimately lead me down some dark roads. But, I’ve found, when I’ve opened my heart, and asked for direction, told the universe that I am ready for change, ready for new things and ready to take action, it appears. Now, that’s not to say the sky is going to open up revealing the secrets to life, but, when we are open, the signs, the people, the opportunities do come, but we have to make sure that we don’t grab for the same ones we have before and take a chance on something new, something different if we want to see change in our lives. A wise friend used to say to me, “the universe will give us the same present over and over, but in different wrappings, just to see if we’ve learned our lesson or, really mean we’re ready for change,” and that was true for me, probably for you too. How many times have we found ourselves in a place and said, “how did I get here again,” the wrapping may have fooled us and we got the same present we had already unwrapped many times. I try to look for those signs, things that I recognize from past situations that didn’t work or got to me a place I didn’t like, but sometimes we get fooled and tricked into believing that something, or someone, are different. So, when things start to fall apart, start to look at things as they are, not how we think they may be, or want them to be, for what the facts are, and see if there may be a reason for them falling apart.

When I look back over the past year, I had no idea what this weekend was going to mean to me a year later, I just took the opportunity that was in front of me and trusted I was being directed to where I needed to be, and I trusted that it was a place where I could let my heart be open and that it was safe, as a result, something beautiful happened that weekend, something unexpected and my life shifted.

When things don’t seem to be going your way, when relationships are ending or when you just don’t seem to be getting anywhere in your pursuit of things, instead of focusing on what may not be working, ask yourself why it may not working and what it may be showing you, what you perceive as the biggest disaster may just bring you to your greatest achievement, if you let go of what you think things should be and trust where you are being lead. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: When things appear to be falling apart do you fall into despair or trust that you are being led to something new? Have there been examples in your life when things looked to be falling apart but were actually falling together? What’s an example. When you look back on your life do see examples of this happening that you may not have thought were examples of this? Do you look for new opportunities when something ends or falls apart, or do you tend to follow the same patterns and find yourself in the same places over and over? What patterns do you see in your life that you could break for a different or better result? Look for those places SLAYER, to make changes, trust that you are being given what you need to make those changes, and also look for places that may look different, but may be places you’ve already been that didn’t work. Life is a journey, we are here to learn, but ultimately we are given the direction to get to where we are meant to be.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You owe yourself the same love you so freely give to others.

New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Name Yourself

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Believe in your ability to create change.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Change Look

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! All you can change is yourself, but that can change everything.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Beautiful