Good morning SLAYER! Fill yourself up with love until you become like a magnet and that love becomes attracted to you.
New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!
Forgiveness
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! Don’t let the shadows of your past darken the the doorstep of your future.
New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!
Slay Talk Live Video
Hello SLAYERS! Thank you to all the SLAYERS who joined me tonight! For those of you how didn’t join us, here’s what you missed!
SLAY on!
You Can’t Change The Past, But You Can Change How It Affects You
There is no going back. No way to erase our past, make different choices, take different action. The past is, well, the past, it is what it is. Before stepping on this path I used the stories from my past to back up the narrative that I wanted to tell, that I was a victim. I would use it to try to manipulate people to get what I want, to get them to feel sorry for me, or show them how I had been wronged. In reality, most of that past, those stories, I played a big part in, but I couldn’t see that when I was living in the dark, I wasn’t willing to. I used my past as an excuse to act out, to act badly, or to not act at all. If someone called me out on my behavior I would cite a time from my past that I thought justified what I had done in the present, and by doing that I was letting my past have power over me, I was also letting it affect my present by continuing those behaviors and mimicking those situations over and over. It wasn’t until I made the commitment to get better, to live my life in the light, to be honest, to everyone, especially myself, that I realized that how my past affected me could be changed.
Instead of walking around with shame, anger, or frustration about my past, I learned to take responsibility for my part, and in most cases I did have a part. As soon as I was old enough to have a choice my part was all over the negative places in my past. I had chosen to engage with certain people, I had chosen not to follow through on what I promised, I had chosen to lie or manipulate someone or a situation, I had chosen to steal, I had chosen to…well, the list went on. It was hard to look at that list at first, because I had crafted my whole identity around being a victim, and even when I could see my part, I would justify it because I was a victim. Getting better for me meant stopping the blame, pointing the finger back at me and asking what I could have done better, and where I had no choice, looking at what I could learn from that person or situation that I could use going forward. If there wasn’t anything, I had to learn to accept it and I had to learn to forgive, the other person, and, myself. Tall order right? It seems so when you think about how much life you’ve lived, and how much damage has been done, but when you break it down, and write it down, and really look at it, look for the patterns, what that gives you is some very useful information about yourself. It shows you where you tend to fall, where you tend to back down, where the action does not serve you, and were you’re not honest. It shows you all of that, but the good part of that is if you make a choice to not continue that behavior, you now know what to look out for, so when you’re about to fall back on those old behaviors, a warning should pop up, it should seem familiar, and it’s at that moment that you should think about your next move and what the next right action is. Now, when I first started doing this, sometimes I didn’t know, so I had to pause to think about it, or in some cases, reach out to someone else and ask for help. As I always say, life is not a game show, there is no prize for the fastest response, so if you’re unsure of what to do or say, pause, and if you’re still unsure you can certainly say that you don’t have an answer at the moment and will get back to the person, or need to step away. As simple as that. Change takes time, and you have to give yourself the gift of time to get into the habit of being honest, and looking for the right thing to do or say instead of falling back into old habits.
When we practice taking the right actions, for us, and also considering the other person, our past tends to be less of a collection of bad memories and experiences. We take responsibility for actions and when we are wrong, we admit it and make it right if we can, or, at the very least, apologize or make an amends. Our past cannot be changed, but when we change our present it no longer affects us the it had because we are no longer that person, we are striving to be better, and more honest about who we are, those mistakes from our past no longer hold power over us because we admit to our mistakes, and, we have let them go. Move forward SLAYER, learn about yourself from those experiences, and in doing so let go, and how you think about your past. You do have control over what your past means to you, and how it affects you today. Take what you can from it, and discard the rest, what’s important is the decisions you’re making today, and how you move forward from this point on. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: When you think about your past is it mainly negative? Why is that? Write down three big moments from your past you think affects you the most. Did you have a choice in being in that situation? If yes, why did you choose to be there? Why did you make the choices you did within that situation? Where you being honest and true to yourself in those choices? What can you do differently today to make better choices for yourself? If you did not have a choice, how can you find forgiveness, in yourself, or perhaps the other person(s) involved? Or, how can you move on from something in your past that holds you back? Sometimes it helps to have someone help you, for me that came in the form of a counselor, as well as some trusted friends, and people who shared their experiences with me, so look for ways and people who may be able to help you through this process, there is no shame in asking for help, I certainly needed to, but it’s worth the work and effort, to set yourself free of a past that you have let shackle you to a time that no longer exists. Break free and let yourself go.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Sometimes All Someone Wants To Hear Is, I’m Sorry
There are moments when nothing can be done—when there’s no way to fix a situation or make it better. And in those moments, sometimes all someone wants to hear is, “I’m sorry.” Even if we’re not responsible for what happened, acknowledging someone’s experience can mean the world.
A Simple Yet Powerful Gesture
I think back to my life before walking this path, and how much it would have meant to hear those words. The power of a heartfelt “I’m sorry” is incredible. It connects us, makes us feel seen and valued, and reminds us that our feelings matter.
I remember sharing my story with someone I trusted, and when she gently put her hand on mine and said, “I’m sorry,” it felt like a wave of warmth washed over me. She had nothing to do with the events that led me to that moment, but her simple words were the first real validation of my pain and struggle. It helped me exhale. It helped me start to let go.
Owning Our Part
When we do have something to apologize for, those words carry even more weight. Saying “I’m sorry” for something we did—whether intentionally or not—shows strength. It honors the other person and ourselves. It’s not about weakness or surrender, but about standing in our truth and striving to be better.
As SLAYERS, we’re constantly working on ourselves. Yes, we’ll slip. Yes, we’ll make mistakes. But admitting our wrongs and saying, “I’m sorry,” can mend broken relationships and open the door to healing.
A Path to Healing
There’s magic in those words. “I’m sorry” can be the start of a new chapter, whether it’s in a relationship scarred by past pain or for someone still carrying the weight of old wounds. Sometimes, the apology won’t come from the person who caused the hurt. But when it comes from someone who cares—someone willing to listen and extend compassion—it still holds power. It’s a first step toward healing.
SLAY on.
SLAY OF THE DAY: Reflect & Rise
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Do you struggle to say “I’m sorry”? Why?
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What do you think it says about you if you apologize?
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Have you ever seen “I’m sorry” as a sign of weakness? Can you shift that perspective?
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Do you appreciate hearing someone say they’re sorry, even if they weren’t directly involved? How does it make you feel?
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Do you offer that same compassion to others when they’re hurting? Why or why not?
Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
When was the last time you heard—or said—“I’m sorry”? How did it change the moment?
Share your thoughts in the comments. Let’s build each other up with honesty and compassion.
And if you know someone who’s been holding on to pain, send this to them.
Sometimes, just hearing those words is a step toward healing.
Setting Them Free Frees You
Holding a resentment against someone ties you to them, it forms an attachment to them, it connects you cosmically. And when you are angry with someone, and dare I say, hate someone, do you really want to be tied to them? There’s a saying that a resentment is like drinking poison and then waiting for the other person to die. They won’t. But you might. What good does harboring a wrong or your anger really do? It does nothing except keep punishing you for someone else’s actions. You may be holding someone in a cell, but you as the jailer are also a prisoner, and, you are your own prisoner! So, how do we learn to let go, and, possibly, forgive, those who have wronged us?
The reason why you should find a way to move on and forgive is simple, for you. It’s not about letting someone get away with it or letting them off the hook, it’s about setting yourself free. We as SLAYERS are not pushovers, but we don’t continue to harm ourselves with our own actions, the healthier choice, the stronger, more self-loving choice, is to find forgiveness and let them go. At the end of the day, our own peace of mind far outweighs some grudge we have against someone else, or some plot to find revenge, that behavior does not serve us, it only brings us down to a lower level, a level that brings with it more anger, more hate, and more negative energy.
Finding forgiveness doesn’t mean we are pardoning or excusing the other person’s actions. It doesn’t mean that we need to tell the other person they’ve been forgiven. It also doesn’t mean we are not entitled to have feelings about the situation or person. It doesn’t mean that there isn’t further work to be done if we choose to continue a relationship with that person, we’re not giving them a free pass, we’re not forgetting the actions took place. Forgiveness is not something we’re doing for the other person, it’s something that we are doing for us. It is a loving action that allows us to move on and be free of what happened. So, how do we do this?
First, it takes time. Allow yourself to find some peace with it gradually, and some take longer than others, but it’s also about not letting yourself wallow in it too long, which also doesn’t serve us, nor does letting it become your identity. You are not a victim, you are a SLAYER! To start with, you have to be willing to forgive. I’ve talked about willingness in a previous blog post, and without willingness, you’re not going to get too far. Even if it’s small to start, willingness will open the door to forgiveness, even if it’s just a crack to start. From there we go to:
1) Accept – accept that the incident happened. Accept the facts of the circumstances, how you felt, and how you reacted. In order to forgive you have to find acceptance around it, and focus on the facts rather than the feelings it has brought up, as our feelings may be attached to other things, and other incidents from our past.
2) Find The Growth – what did you learn from the incident? Was there something you could have done differently that could have prevented it or lessened it? Did you ignore warning signs that you now know to pay attention to? What did the incident teach out about boundaries? Could you have been clearer. Not placing the blame solely on ourselves, but typically it does take two to tango, so as a SLAYER, are there ways you could have protected yourself from the incident giving you more strength and power? Use this as an opportunity to grow and learn for next time, turning it into something positive for yourself.
3) Perspective – try to look at the situation or incident from the other person’s perspective. We all have bad days, is it possible the person did not mean to hurt you but his/her perspective was off, or skewed, blurring their judgment? Again, we’re not giving them a free pass here, just trying to see the incident from a different angle. Was there a misunderstanding? Or were the person’s motives to deceive, hurt, or always had malicious intent? We as human beings are all flawed, many times it is those flaws that cause us to hurt or clash with others, perhaps it could have been one of those times.
4) Take Stock – does it serve you to hold on, to not let go of the resentment? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say no, in every case no. There are certainly varying degrees of forgiveness, from flat-out letting it go and moving on to finding as much forgiveness as you can so you can move forward, and revisiting it later when you have some distance from it. But, ask yourself how it benefits you to hold on to the past? It doesn’t. It only holds you back.
5) Letting Go – letting go can come in many forms. Perhaps it is telling the person you forgive them in person. Maybe you write them a letter. Maybe you send that letter, maybe you don’t. Maybe you write it and then burn it to let it go. And maybe you just make a living amends to yourself, to do things differently, to set more boundaries, to ask more questions, to make different choices to you don’t get caught in the same situation again. Finding a way to turn a negative into a positive. You can. You have that power.
Stop drinking the poison and let it go. Forgiving someone is a beautiful way to honor yourself, and to break the tie that holds you to someone or something that hurt you, it also affirms to the universe that you deserve the good, and deserve to be happy. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you hold resentments or grudges instead of moving on? Why? How does this benefit you? How does it hurt you? What can you do let go of the resentments in your life? How can you turn those incidents from negative to positive for you? Write out a list of resentments you currently have, using the points above go through each one and find ways to take away some positive actions from them, and, maybe even find some forgiveness for those people, and yourself.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Weaknesses Become Strengths
Yeah you read that right SLAYERS, those things we consider our weaknesses will become our strengths! Crazy right? Hear me out. All of the things in our lives that challenge us, when we learn to and choose to take the right action, make us stronger and better people. I know, you’re still skeptical, I used to be as well. But let’s first start with this…have you forgiven yourself yet? If you haven’t that’s still on your list of things you need to SLAY, if you have, this concept may not seem so far fetched. I know for myself all of the things I used to hate about myself are the things that made me stronger because I was able to overcome them, or realized they weren’t weaknesses at all, they just made me feel vulnerable, and one way to weed through these things was acceptance, listening non-forgivers?
Acceptance is really the answer to all our frustrations, and that doesn’t mean being a door mat and letting people walk all over us, it means, looking at things for what they are, truly are, with the facts, not our feelings, and then deciding what the next right thing to do is. There are always going to be things that we don’t want to accept, for instance I don’t really want to accept that someone I trusted betrayed me, fraudulently used my name and personal information for his own gain and now I’m paying the consequences of that, but I have to, and I have. Once we know the facts we are safe. We’ve already established that we are not in control of all things, we’re not, or we would have everything we want, and everything would look exactly how we think it should look, and well, we’d probably be on a really awesome vacation right now, but alas, we don’t control all things, but we wouldn’t be SLAYERS if we did, we wouldn’t get stronger, we wouldn’t learn how to accept when things don’t go our way, or when people don’t behave the way or how we expect them too. There are many things we just have to accept.
For me acceptance goes along with my spirituality, if I believe in something greater than myself, something that is looking out for me, it’s easier for me to accept things for what they are, because really, I only have my one perspective, I only know how my actions affect those immediately around me or myself, I have no idea what the bigger picture is or how what I do may affect others out of my immediate circle who are supposed to be affected by something I’m doing. I trust that, if I am connected and paying attention, that I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to be doing, it’s a leap of faith I know, but you have to agree that when we are on the right path and doing things for the right reasons, ie: not for just ourselves, that things seem to go smoother, that people seem to come into our lives who can help and support us, or who are just of like mind, it’s those times, the times our “gut instinct” tells us to do something, that we are one with our purpose, so for me, when things don’t go my way, I try remember that it wasn’t meant for me, or I’m supposed to go through something for myself and quite possibly the other people in involved.
Great example of acceptance. I was stuck on the 405 in Los Angeles, late for a meeting, my frustration and anger were at a boiling point, I was 25 minutes late, I hate being late, when I finally get to my destination I see a fire truck and ambulance parked out front. I found out that a woman had lost control of her SUV and rammed right into a car parked behind the spot where I would have parked, about 25 minutes before I got there, meaning if I had been on time she would have slammed into my car, and quite possibly me getting out of it. I try to remember that story when I get stuck in traffic and say to myself, “you are exactly where you are supposed to be.”
We don’t always know or understand why things happen to us, but finding a way to acceptance saves us a lot of heartaches and is one of the ways that I have found peace, and a way I turned a weakness of trying to control or manipulate situations into a strength. I can now find patience when things are out of my control and trust the process. This can be done for any of those attributes we think are our weaknesses, even just the awareness of them make us stronger, but asking yourself if that attribute really does make you weak, or if it just gives you the illusion of weakness because it makes you human, vulnerable, or soft, if that’s the case, it’s not a weakness at all, but what makes you a loving caring individual, something to be proud of, and the more tools you get in your SLAYER chest, the more you’ll have the courage to wear them like a badge of honor. If they are truly something that is hindering you from living as your authentic self, then the work begins to throw them away, or at least keep them in check, these are old ideas that no longer serve you, and even though they may pop up, even in SLAYDOM, they can be told to take a hike because their services are no longer needed. It’s all part of the process SLAYER, be patient, loving and kind to yourself during your journey, but in the end, if it doesn’t serve you, you don’t need it, throw it away and own your power and strength. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Make a list of the things you have a hard time finding acceptance about. Ask yourself why? Are the reasons selfish or because of fear? What attributes or habits stand in your way of you living as your authentic self? Make a list, ask that those attributes or habits be taken away, light the list on fire and watch the burn away.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
You Are Not Alone
I used to feel so alone. I could be in a stadium full of people and feel completely alone. I didn’t realize that it was because of my actions that I felt alone. I had family, friends, and people I looked forward to seeing at work, but I always felt alone. It wasn’t until I started to work on myself and started to open up that I realized I could change that.
I was feeling alone because I wasn’t opening up to anyone, so even though I might be out with friends, and even having a good time, I had put up a barrier to keep people at a distance, again, I didn’t think that you would like me if you saw everything, so I had to keep the act going of everything being fine so you wouldn’t ask too many questions. After doing this for years and years, and things being anything but fine, that barrier seemed like an ocean, and I was standing on an island all by myself watching a ship go by full of people have the time of their life.
This ties into what we’ve already touched on, I had to let go. I had to stop worrying what people where going to think if I said I wasn’t OK, that I needed help, and needed someone to listen, I had to stop worrying that if I didn’t appear to be “perfect” people would still like me. I took a leap and trusted that the people I had so carefully allowed into my life would understand, that they wouldn’t judge me, and it would be OK. So I took the leap. I was terrified. I had never really told anyone anything that I perceived as “bad” about myself, I really didn’t know how this was going to go, but I knew that if I continued on the way I was, keeping everything in, that it would kill me, literally, I couldn’t handle it anymore, and there was just too much to stuff down, it just wouldn’t stay down.
I was shaking, but I reached out to a friend and spoke my truth. This was new territory for me, and I waited for a response. What happened was an outpouring of love, and because I let down my walls I felt closer, more of a connection to this friend, someone who had been in my life for many years, and I had never really let in. It felt so good to come clean and be honest that I called all the people in my life and told them what was going on, I suddenly felt like all of those people had formed a circle around me, supporting me, and offering me their strength when I needed it most. I realized that letting someone in and sharing, what I may think is something awful or challenging, helps us to connect to those around us, whether it’s because they’ve also shared that experience, or they just can understand. It’s those human experiences that connect us and make us stronger. It felt freeing to let it all go, and for those who didn’t understand or backed away, there weren’t many, but they weren’t meant to continue to be a part of my life, our story together had come to an end, but my journey was to continue surrounded by people who did want to listen, who cared, and loved me no matter what. It has been through their strength, and others, that I have been able to walk through some really challenging times because I know I have an army around me, and, I really am not alone because I choose not to be.
It can be difficult to find this in our lives, sometimes circumstances, or geography, make that hard, but we have so many ways to reach out nowadays, and so many ways to connect with like-minded individuals, it’s easier than ever to go and find your tribe, if it’s not already in your life, or expand the one you have, whether bonding over common interests or hobbies, or joining groups who share your goals. I also hope we can start our own circle of SLAYERS, to share our common experiences and support one another. As I’ve said, there is strength in numbers, we alone can accomplish a lot, but we as a group are unstoppable!
SLAY OF THE DAY: What stops you from reaching out to others? What do you think will happen if you do? Is this a fact or a fear? What can you do to overcome that obstacle? If you have a difficult time opening up I encourage you to do it here, to reach out, we are just like you and, we want to welcome you to the fold.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slayer Say
Happy Saturday SLAYER! New blog goes up Sunday morning, until then, show yourself love and grace today on your journey, be patient, it takes time to fill the SLAYER chest with new tools. SLAY on!
Forgiveness: First Steps To Freedom
I know what you’re thinking, screw ’em, all those jerks who hurt me, burned me, betrayed me, I know, I have a long list as well, and we’ll get those people, but what I want to talk about today, and what is most important on your journey to SLAYDOM, is finding forgiveness in yourself. Yeah, you! When I finally had the courage to sit down and talk to someone about the circumstances that finally brought me to my knees, I was asked to write down a list of people who had harmed me, finally I thought, let me show you why I’m here, let me know show you all the horrible people and the horrible things that were done to me to get me to this place, and I feverishly wrote that list. What was asked of me when I was done was, did you write your own name on your list?
My own name?! What? Yes my own name, because I had harmed myself the most, and I believed I deserved it, that I didn’t deserve to have good things and good people in my life because I was a bad person, I was weird, I was different, awkward. I was told in order to heal I needed to first forgive myself. That was a blow. How the hell would I do that?
This was a place in my life, my journey, when I romanticized taking my own life, when my self worth was less than zero, and all of the lies and manipulations and shitty things I had done to move through life without you asking me too many questions or letting you get too close, had caught up to me. I thought I was lower than low, the scum of the earth. I physically could not look at myself in the mirror and say “I love you,” it’s not that I wouldn’t, I could not, trust me, I tried, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror, I brushed my teeth looking down into the sink. So, to now be asked to find it in myself to forgive myself, I thought it was impossible. Thankfully it was not.
No matter what we’ve done, or think we’ve done, it can be forgiven. What I learned is, I had to allow room for myself to be human, to be flawed, to learn, I couldn’t expect myself to know things I was never taught, and that I could now make a commitment to learn, to be the person I wanted to be, to hit the reset button and start again. But hitting reset didn’t mean forgetting the past, it meant taking full responsibility for it and learning to do it better. When I was able to look at myself from that perspective I was able to start forgiving myself. It goes back to those tools in our toolbox, if we don’t have the tools we need, we use the ones we have, so we can’t fault ourselves for not using tools that aren’t there. Our job now is to find and use those new tools so we can do it better, and that takes time, and patience, a blog for another day. But if we’re able to acknowledge the places where we’re lacking the tools to do it right, we can start forgiving ourselves for doing it wrong, and forgiveness is the first step to freedom. It may seem really scary, and it is, but that’s exactly where we want to be, because where it feels safe got us here, it’s time to do things differently.
We are always hardest on ourselves, but what if we stopped that, and started to love and nurture ourselves? Acknowledge our flaws and work to fix them, or find a better way, to maybe do the opposite of what our nature tells us to do because it’s what we’ve always done, or what those around us have done. Who do we want to be in the world, our communities, our families and relationships? We can be those people, we just have to work on it, and, start by forgiving ourselves for those things we think are unforgivable.
SLAY OF THE DAY: What’s stopping you for forgiving yourself? What do you think makes you unforgivable? What do you think you can do to start to forgive yourself so you can move forward from here? Building on the blog before, write a fresh gratitude list with five things you LOVE about yourself. Read it out loud before bed and in the morning when you get up. Don’t forget to smile SLAYER.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
