Author: Carrie Genzel

Slay Slay

Good morning SLAYER! Celebrate how far you’ve come today.

New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay See More Of

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Every day of your life is a special occasion and a reason to celebrate.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Celebrate Each New Day

Celebrate Instead Of Isolate

The holiday season is here and it’s a time that may not be all that jolly for everyone. I know for myself, before I started my journey on my current path, I dreaded all holidays. It was a time that made me feel like hiding or escaping and I felt pressured to have a good time and live up to not only my expectations but those around me. I just wanted to isolate, stick my head in the sand and wait for them to be over. Even in writing how I used to feel, I can feel my anxiety rising. Thankfully, I don’t feel that way today.

Before walking this path I was constantly hiding, even in plain sight. I could isolate anywhere, in a room of ten people or a stadium of people, it didn’t matter, if I felt uncomfortable, which was most of the time, I would find a way to distance myself from those around me. I thought it kept me safe, but all it did was keep me feeling lonely. What I didn’t know back then is that my disease, that negative self-talk that ran constantly in my head, wanted me to isolate so it could have it’s way with me, because if the voices in my head were the only voices I was hearing, I was going to believe what they were saying, and I did. Going into the holiday season felt like I was running a gauntlet of high pressured uncomfortable gatherings. The only way I could get through them back then was to numb myself, with whatever I could, even if it was dessert table and a tray of cupcakes, whatever it took to get outside of myself to get by. But that only worked while I was there, in the moment, then the sadness would kick in, that bullshit committee in my head would start up and I would beat myself up for not being “normal” and able to join in and have a good time. But, is everyone really having a good time? Probably not. And that brings me to the next hurdle I had to overcome, perception. Again, my head wants to tell me that everyone loves the holidays and all of the events of the season and everyone has a great time and finds it easy to socialize and engage with those around them. Now, I know today that isn’t true, and I’m sure you’re out there shaking your head too, but back when I was specializing in isolation my head told me the latter, and I believed it. There goes that anxiety spike again. The truth is that most people get anxious at gatherings and events and everyone is doing their best to look and sound like their not, and once I allowed myself to see that and believe that, my anxiousness became acceptable to me and I began to look for those people like myself, who seemed a bit awkward, and made a commitment to talk to them. Just like outside those gatherings, it’s all about finding your tribe and support group, and when you take off the “weirdo” glasses you think you’re wearing and look through your own eyes and the truth, you see that there are others, like yourself, who may be struggling out there. That’s when things started to change. I also used a back up system. I had my support team, those group of people who understood me and my challenges, and I would let them know I was venturing out for some holiday cheer, I would be accountable, and when I felt overwhelmed I would excuse myself and call and text someone on my team, then I didn’t feel like I was walking in alone, unarmed. When I let my team know I was nervous I would get messages back checking in or encouraging me to jump in there and participate, that made a huge difference to start, to know I had support. That support and my willingness to break out of my isolation was the key to learning to connect with people and actually starting to enjoy the holiday season by being in the moment rather than trying to live up to what I thought, or someone else thought, it should be. And for those gatherings that may not be healthiest place, having that support team in your pocket not only makes attending those functions easier, but also gives you some great conversation and connecting with that support on the ride home.

The holidays come ever year, whether we like it or not, so why not like it, maybe not all of it, but find the parts you like, or a willing to be open to liking, gather your support team and don’t head out there alone. Also, find a way to give back on those days that are most challenging. I have always found when I give back I find relief in my own anxiety or depression as the act of giving gets me out of my own head and allows me to see the good through others. So, if you find that you are finding this season particularly challenging, think about what you can do to make someone else’s day brighter, even if it’s just by picking up the phone. We all have the power to change our perception of the month ahead, why not find a magic in it that makes us want to celebrate instead of isolate. Change always starts with willingness. Be willing to find something to celebrate this holiday season. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find the holiday season difficult? Why is that? Do you tend to isolate over the holidays? How does that make you feel? Does that help with your feelings about the holidays? Does it make it worse? What can you do to isolate less? How can you find some joy and magic in the holidays? Is there any part of the holidays you do enjoy? Can you add something of yourself or something you love to the holidays? What is that? Many people have trouble getting through the holidays, you are not alone, find and hook in with your support team, stay connected with them as you navigate through the holidays season, and, look for those little things you might enjoy, even just for yourself, those little things may just blossom into a personal appreciation and holiday spirit.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When you choose to see the good in others, you end up finding it in yourself.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Give It Away

Find Your Good And Do It

For a lot of my life I had no idea what my good was. In fact, I, before walking this path, probably would have said I didn’t have any. And, early on, even as I was walking this path I walk today I wasn’t always sure, I just knew I had to keep walking forward, and trusting I was where I was supposed to be. I survived a night I medically shouldn’t have, and I struggled with that for a while, the why, why did I survive, what was I doing that made me worth saving? I had been giving back in my own community up until that point, and I could see the good in that, and I could see how that good I gave to others also helped me in my recovery, but I still wasn’t confident in what my good was. So I wrote about it, meditated about it and continued to ask myself what was my good. The answer finally came when I let go and started to look for the signs I was being given and the direction that was coming.

My good is being of service. It’s sharing my story and offering hope to those who may need it. I never would have thought, years ago, that that would be my good. The shy self-hating fear-based girl who was so afraid that you would hate her she would only let you see what she thought you wanted to see would have never let you see her flaws, or mistakes or anything that she thought was weakness, but, that girl of the past was wrong, she mistook all of those things as negative when they were really her strengths, but to see that, it took an emotional and spiritual bottom to see my light. My good came from all of those dark times, from my mistakes, my misconceptions, my disease, it was all of those things that formed my good once I realized the power it all had, and I had, to share my journey from there to where I am today. Every time I get the chance to offer some hope to someone I think back to that girl, and how she never would have believed I could live without fear and share my truth, I never take that for granted, it is an honor to have survived all that I have and to have the opportunities I do to share my story with those who are open to receive it, and it feels pretty amazing that my story and experience has connected me to so many others who recognize themselves in my journey, and me in theirs, when I used to feel so isolated and alone before finding my voice. My good not only helps those around me but it gives me good back, it reminds me to stay teachable, it reminds me to keep an open-minded and it reminds me that we are all connected and have a commonality. My good helps me in my own recovery, and I suspect that most people’s good helps them in theirs, or in contributing to their greater good.

We all have good to share and do, sometimes it takes what may look like a tragedy to find it, but as I’ve said here many times before, the only tragedy is giving up, everything else happens to lead us to where we are meant to be, and for some of us, myself included, it may take something pretty earth shattering to get us to do the right thing. Your good is specific to you and it is valuable, as are you. If you haven’t already, find your good and share it with the world, we all have good to share and while we do you’ll meet others on your path doing just as you are. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you see your own good? If yes, what is it? If not, why not? What stops you from seeing your good? Name one good quality, talent or attribute you have. Now using that, what can you do to share it with others who may appreciate it? Has someone shared their good with you? Who? How have they made a difference in your life? Have you been inspired by their good? Has their good helped you to see the good in you? What is that good? Allow your good to live through you, share it and let it give back to you, when you send it out to the world good comes back and it may reveal even more good in you, and your life.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Don’t be afraid of asking the questions, be afraid of not asking them.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Being Brave Enough

When We Know The Answers We Are Safe

Before walking this path I was afraid of the truth. I was either to fearful to ask the questions I should have been asking or I let my ego tell me I already knew the answers before asking them. Either way, not asking the questions was unsafe. Most of the time I was too afraid to ask them because I always thought the worst, or had done something that someone may have found out, or just thought of myself as an unlovable and worried that others had figured that out too. I walked around with a lot of question marks, and a lot of knots in my stomach. My solution, back then, was magical thinking, that somehow I could just wish the answers I wanted into being, and I would look for tiny bits of evidence to back up the answers I wanted to believe were true until I could collect enough to almost convince myself they where, but really, I knew I was just seeing and hearing what I wanted to fit the narrative I wanted to tell. The truth scared me, probably because I wasn’t truthful back then, and it’s difficult to believe people are open and honest when you’re not with yourself, or asking for it from those around you.

When I made a commitment to get better I made a commitment to be rigorously honest with myself, and over time I began working with a counselor to help me put all the pieces together and help me get an accurate picture of my past, why I did the things I did, and who I actually was. When we talked about the people in my life and I didn’t have answers to the questions he was asking, those knots in my stomach would return and I would get nervous. I was asked why I wasn’t asking the questions I needed to know from those people, and I would retreat and say I didn’t know. The real answer finally came out, it was fear, I was afraid to ask people what their intentions where, who they were and who I was to them, I was afraid in the past because I, for the most part, wasn’t being honest or forthcoming about myself in those areas, so it made sense I had fear asking someone else to do the same. But what my counselor said to me, which I still live by today, is that when we know the answers we are safe, until we know what those answers are we are not safe because we don’t know the truth about the people in our lives. He had said that even if the answers are not what we want to hear, we then know the facts, and can make a decision about what is best for us. Once we have done that, we are safe. It made sense, but even though it made sense didn’t mean it was easy to put into practice at first, but the promise of safety got me motivated enough to start, and even though all of those answers weren’t what I wanted to hear, they allowed me to make decisions for myself that made me feel safe. And, I could then make informed decisions for myself that kept me safe and built up my self-respect and self-esteem.

Asking the questions we should be asking, especially when we invite someone new into our lives, isn’t’ always easy, but not asking, and not knowing, puts our well-being in jeopardy and may set ourselves up for heartache at our own hand. We can’t control if the answers we are getting are the truth, but sometimes just the act of asking will flush that truth out. Anyone worthy of being in our lives will be honest, and will appreciate our honesty in return, those who don’t may be giving you the answers you need just by their reaction. Never apologize for the answers you need to feel safe. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you ask the questions you should be asking to feel safe? If not, why not? What are you afraid of? List an example when you didn’t ask the questions you needed to and were hurt or disappointed as result. What can you do to make sure you’re asking the questions you need to? Don’t let fear stop you from taking the action you need to for your own emotional safety.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Accountability turns pain into peace.

New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Dignity Reward

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYERS! You either make yourself accountable our you will be made accountable to your circumstances.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Accountability

Accountability

A huge part of my recovery has been my ability to be accountable. That is something I had to learn, as I certainly wasn’t practicing it while living in the dark. Back then I often would say and do things and then blame them on others, pretend it hadn’t been me who had said or done something, or denied my involvement in something that I alone had orchestrated. Being accountable was not something I looked at as an attribute, I wanted what I wanted, and I was going to do whatever it took to get it. When I sat down to look at my life, I had failed myself and others by not being accountable, and if I had any hope of getting better that had to stop.

At first it felt like protective curtain had been lifted from me, that I had nowhere to hide, and I didn’t, but that was the point, I shouldn’t have to hide anything if I’m living an honest life and being forthright with my intentions and expectations. I was told to suit up and show up when I made a commitment, and if there was a reason I could not, I needed to let that be known and why. I found it difficult at first, as I had operated under this smokescreen of mystery for most of my adult life, never really committing to things, being vague and manipulating those around me to produce a desired outcome for myself, but all of that really got me was continued suffering in my disease, my head would tell me that I had won, but each time I wasn’t accountable and honest I was actually loosing, and that was happening daily as I slipped deeper and deeper into darkness and despair. I knew if I was going to save my life I had to get honest, so no matter how uncomfortable it felt a the start I walked through it and trusted it was better on the other side. And, being uncomfortable was the worst of it, it didn’t kill me to be honest and accountable, in fact, it was a big part of building my self-esteem and self-respect, both of which I was lacking. Being accountable was my ticket to better health, better relationships and a better life, so I trudged forward, even when it made me nervous to do so, and I have to say, that never once did it produce a negative effect. Being accountable did exactly what was promised, I began feeling better about myself, I started to make better choices and engaging in healthy activities I was actually excited to be a part of and participate in, I was no longer finding the need to hide from people because I had promised too much, or something I had no intention of following through with. Being accountable forced me to make better choices for myself and telling on myself when I didn’t, which eventually got me in the habit of making those better choices the first time. It was the filter I used before I said or did anything, and it kept me on the path I am now. When we are being honest and accountable for our actions there is no need to hide or feel nervous about any situation, we are being true to ourselves, our motivations and our journey. When we are accountable miracles happen, people and situations can change that we would have never seen otherwise, it’s what keeps us in the light and doing what’s right.

You may have lived your life believing that you have to hide your true intentions or your truth from those around you, but when you do you keep yourself sick, being accountable gives you the tool to live your life with far less complications, to have open and honest relationships with others and to be your best self. Accountability is the key to unlocking a life of better decisions and an anchor to keep you grounded as you walk onto a path of a fulfilling life, one where you are taking care of yourself while achieving the things that you could only hope for in the past and that never seemed to materialize while you were hiding in the shadows. Being accountable puts the spotlight on you and in that light you can learn to shine bright. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think of yourself as accountable? If yes, how are you accountable in your life? In what areas do you struggle to be accountable? How can you improve those areas? What stops you from being accountable? How can you overcome what stops you? In what areas have you improved your accountability? How has this changed your life? Your life will continue to improve the more accountable you are. Accountability means being more reliable to yourself and your needs and to those you choose to have in your life. When you are accountable you can’t go wrong, and even if your plan does go wrong, being accountable provides you with the tools to admit that and move on. In a way it’s a type of superpower, and when you master it, you’ll have the power of good in your life.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you