light

Too Content With Your Misery

When I was living in the dark I didn’t want to be there but it was what I had known for many years and I found comfort in the familiarity of it. It felt safe, because it was what I knew, but it was anything but. I knew I would eventually die there but it felt too scary to try to leave. I wrapped that darkness around me like like a cloak, and told myself it protected me, but it only protected me from getting well.

It took a lot for me to reach out for help and to take the action I needed to actually get well. There had been many times I had wished to get well, or hoped for it, and even looked into it, but it would always stop there, short of actually taking the action needed. Just wanting something wasn’t enough to make it so, and, truthfully, I wasn’t ready to let go of my misery for happiness, joy and freedom. That, today, sounds crazy to me, but at the time it made perfect sense. Why put myself out there, launch myself into the unknown, where I don’t know what’s going to happen, or how people are going to react, when I can stay here in my misery and know exactly how things will go and how I’m perceived. I had to reach a point where I was no longer content to sit in my misery, and I was fortunate to sit in it long enough to get uncomfortable there.

My discomfort in my misery felt like a betrayal, after all, I had devoted most of my life to that place, and then to find myself uncomfortable and in fear of staying there, I felt like my best friend had turned on me. That fear of staying there, and the realization that it would ultimately be my demise was far great than the fear of stepping out of my misery for something different, and, possibly something better. And so I did. It was extremely uncomfortable at first, and I had to throw out everything I had known from my past to forge a new beginning and a new life. I had to let go of all the romanticizing I had done about my misery and that dark place, I had to stop justifying it, and thinking of it as safe, it wasn’t, and I had to trust where I was being guided and the guidance I was being given and learn to walk one step at a time in this new light. I learned that my misery was not just unique to me, that many others shared in it and my misery became an outlet for me to heal and connect with others who were doing the same. Sharing our misery made us feel less lonely and part of a group of people doing what was best for us, it gave us strength and power to keep going and through each other and the work we were each doing, I began to find myself content there, in the light, the misery seemed like a cold place I didn’t want to return to, my concept of content was changing.

Today I live in the light. The darkness still creeps in from time to time, but it doesn’t feel good when it does, and, it’s a sign to me that I’m not doing what I have learned to do to keep it at bay, I’ve left a door open somewhere and it’s up to me to close it. I have no desire to return to my misery, even though I know it’s out there waiting for me, trying to convince me to come back, but I know better, there’s nothing for me there, nothing but, well, misery. I live in the light today and my life is more than I ever could have imagined sitting alone in the dark, it took that leap of faith, courage and humility to step out from the darkness and seek the light, and it was worth every moment, every amount of work and uncomfortableness I felt to get me to where I am today.

Today I am someone I am proud of, I am someone who is honest, and caring, strong, courageous and compassionate, and I’ve learned that to be any of those things, and all of those things, I have to be them myself before I can see them in others, or encourage them in others, I need to identify them in me, and believe in them for myself so I can identify them in all of you. What it all comes down to is not where you are comfortable, but where you can thrive, be your best self, and share your light with others, and sometimes that means getting out from that place you feel content for a new place that challenges you but you are drawn to because you know it is where you are meant to be and deserve to be. Let go of your misery and let in the possibility of your own happiness. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you too content in your misery? Why do you think that is? Is it the only place you’ve ever known? Have you ever stepped out of your misery? How did that feel? Why did, or do, you go back? What does it look like outside of that place? Why don’t you stay there? What’s keeping you in your misery? What do you have to lose by giving it up? Do it SLAYER! Let go of your misery for what else you may find out there, for what you can be, and what you can have in your life that you deny yourself by staying in your misery. Take that leap of faith like I did, there are many of us that have, and we’re all cheering you on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Anything is possible when you have the right people supporting you.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Candles

Celebrate Life, Especially In Death

It was one year ago today that my Uncle lost his battle with cancer, and two days ago I learned of the sudden passing of a dear friend. In both cases, these men exuded light and love. They were always helping those in need, or those they felt could use some of their light. They laughed, they made others laugh, and they shared themselves, they’re true selves, with those around them. It’s always sad to say goodbye, and, so often, it takes time to even accept that such a bright soul is no longer here, although they are never far. Kevin, who passed a few days ago, has been ever present in my last few days, I’ve seen signs of him in many moments and when I do it always makes me smile and warms my heart. And, it’s a reminder that we never truly lose those we love, they stay with us, popping in and out when we may need a reminder they’re there, or, to keep us smiling. It also reminds me that even in death, we need to celebrate life. Both men did so much for others, there is much to celebrate, and in knowing both men, that is what they would have wanted, not for us to be sad and for our hearts to ache, but to laugh and remember all the good things we shared, the funny moments, the warm thoughts and times of understanding. It is in times like these that things always seem to come into the right perspective.

But, why do we often wait for a big event, or loss, to celebrate life? We should be celebrating every day, with ourselves, and those we love. In fact, we should be actively looking for each moment to celebrate who we are, who we love and how far we’ve come. Now, I don’t mean we should looking to celebrate so much that we stop doing what we need to do, but even just recognizing something, acknowledging something or honoring something, or someone, is enough to keep the celebration going. We can be so hard on ourselves and can get in a cycle of seeking out those things we’ve done wrong, or could have done better, and many times it can be difficult to look for what we’ve done right, or better, and yes, it is great to always strive to do better, but it’s just as important to acknowledge how well we’ve done, or are doing. And, remembering to celebrate those people in our lives who help us, and remind, us to celebrate ourselves, and in turn, celebrate them.

As I remember those I have lost, and all the reasons to celebrate them, it also celebrates who I am and how fortunate I have been to have had these two beautiful souls in my life. Both made my heart bigger, and I can still feel it expand when I think of them, so instead of filling my heart with sorrow, I will fill it with love and gratitude that both of these men showed me how to live life with grace and love and both showed me a version of myself I love and can celebrate today, and each and every day. Celebrate your best self today, and even your lesser self, because when we celebrate all of who we are we get better, and we learn to grow from that place, we learn to love all of our parts and that love may show others how to love theirs. Celebrate life, and the life of those who have left us, it is through our continued celebrating that their light keeps shining in our lives and allows our light to shine brighter. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you celebrate yourself, even in the difficult times? If yes, how do you celebrate? If not, why not? When you’ve lost a loved one, are you able to celebrate them and who they were? Are you able to see who you were to them? Are you able to celebrate that, and see yourself through their eyes? How do you show appreciation for who you are and what you’ve been through? Can you do more? What? Do you celebrate the people in your life? How? Can you do more? We often think people know how we feel, and they may, but it never gets old to hear that appreciation, and you never know when you may not get the opportunity to share it again. Celebrate yourself, and those around you, each day, and watch the light within, and around you, get brighter.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Be a spark in the dark.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Dont Forget

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Everything you don’t know is something you can learn.

New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!

state-of-slay Master Peace

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! What picture are you painting today?

SLAY on!

state-of-slay Paint

Willing To Be Willing

When I stepped on this path there were a lot of changes I wanted to make, and, a lot of things I wished to be removed that I knew were standing in my way of becoming the person I wanted to be, but, some of those things, even though I knew they were standing in my way, I was still holding onto, stubbornly clinging to them for dear life. It seemed like a lot to shed everything at once, even though those things I was needing to let go of hadn’t worked for me, in fact, had brought me to my knees in pain, agony and desperation, some things were still difficult to part with at the beginning of my journey.

I started with the things I knew I could let go first, changes I knew I could take, there were obvious ones that had to go immediately if I was going to make any progress, it felt good to let those go, still a bit scary because they were what I knew, but they had brought me to a place that was even scarier, so those were easier to drop. In their place I had to replace new habits, new thinking and a new way of life that was going to get me on a better path, but there were still those habits or character traits I would cling onto like a lifeboat out in this new ocean of uncharted waters, things I knew I had to let go, or change, but had, I thought, served me well, up until that point. The truth was, I had to do a major overhaul, and pretty much scrap everything if I was to to get better, but some of those things were easier to scrap than others. When we experience trauma, we typically get into “survival mode” or a fight or flight mentality, and that becomes our new normal, we live in that place because no one has told us we can turn it off, we think we have to stay there to protect ourselves when in fact it starts to get in the way of us growing, learning, forging new relationships, or even nurturing the ones we have, it actually fences us off from the world around us and our world becomes very small. It takes time to tear down those walls and fences and start to come out from, what we think, is the safety of them, and sometimes that starts with just the being willing to be willing, we may not be ready to do it, but if we are willing to be willing to do it, that will get us moving in the right direction. Willingness was the key to my freedom, I’ve written about that before, willingness was like a flashlight in the darkness, if I followed it’s beam it was going to bring me into the light. And it did.

Sometimes we may feel we are ready to change, to do the work to get us from where we are to where you want to be, or know we can be, but there may be obstacles we put in our own way. We don’t have to clean house all in one day, but at least be willing to be willing to get rid of those obstacles when we feel we can, that already loosens them from around us so that one day we may become willing to let them go, or cut the chains that tie us to them. We do what we can each day, not judging ourselves or comparing ourselves to others, we may be on the same path as others, but we all walk at our own pace. Find it in your heart today for the willingness to be willing to let go what no longer serves you so that you can focus on becoming and being who you truly are and are meant to be. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you hang onto things that you know get in your way of what you want and who you want to be? Why do you do this? Do you think it helps you to hang on? Do you realize it harms you? How does it harm you? What can you do to let go of something that is standing in your way of your own happiness? If it was removed from your path, what would it help you to do for yourself? Imagine it already has SLAYER, find some time to sit quietly and envision letting go of what stands in your way and you already being free of it, see how that will improve your life, feel it, and remember what that looks and feels like as you find the willingness to let go of what’s blocking you from being your best you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

The Shame And Guilt Quilt

When I was deep in my illness, I walked around constantly wrapped in the shame and guilt quilt. I had draped it over myself so long it became familiar—almost “safe.” But it wasn’t protecting me. It was hiding me.

I carried guilt, shame, regret—and I let them keep me distant from the people I loved, from solutions that could have helped, and ultimately, from myself. I believed I didn’t deserve better. I believed the quilt was my identity.

When Shame Becomes an Identity

We’ve all done things we regret. We’ve made choices we’re not proud of, acted out of fear or desperation, or compromised who we were for what we thought we needed. That part is human.

What turns normal regret into something destructive is when we let shame and guilt become our identity.
We wear them like badges. We drag them into new relationships, new jobs, new eras. We whisper:

“I’m a shame-person.”
“I’m a guilty person.”

When you think that way, nothing positive can penetrate your armor. The quilt blocks the light. It keeps out healing, connection, authenticity.

—

Why We Keep the Quilt On

There are many reasons we cling to the shame and guilt quilt:

  • Comfort in the familiar. Even if the quilt stifles you, at least you know it.

  • Belief in punishment. “I deserve this.”

  • Fear of change. Letting go means vulnerability.

  • Protection from hope. If you believe you’re unworthy, hope can feel dangerous.

For me, the quilt felt safer than the unknown. Better the pain I knew than having to trust someone else—or myself—to be different.

The Price of Carrying the Quilt

Pulling the quilt around your shoulders is exhausting. It weighs you down in unseen ways.

  • You avoid connection because you think you’re “too much” or “not enough.”

  • You hide portions of your life and truth, self-isolating in the name of “keeping up appearances.”

  • You stop believing you deserve healing, comfort, or unconditional love.

And still—you keep it on. Because the cost of letting it go seems higher than the cost of carrying it.

But here’s what I discovered: the cost of carrying it was far greater than the cost of releasing it.

Choosing to Shed the Quilt

The turning point for me was nearly my last. When I realized I had to step out from under that quilt—or I would lose everything that mattered.

It took:

  • Courage to acknowledge: “I’ve been hiding.”

  • Humility to ask for help.

  • Willingness to unwrap the quilt piece by piece, admitting mistakes, offering amends, offering self‐forgiveness.

One of the biggest revelations was this:

Forgiveness isn’t about excusing what happened—it’s about releasing what happened.

Once I forgave myself, the quilt began to fall. And with each piece I left behind, more light found me. More connection. More freedom.

What Happens When the Quilt Comes Off

When you let go of that old wrapping, a few things start to shift:

  • Your identity changes. You stop seeing yourself as the sum of your mistakes.

  • Your relationships open up. Others don’t have to tiptoe around your walls. You don’t have to hide.

  • Your decisions become driven by growth, not by fear of being found out.

  • Your mental & emotional energy frees up. You’re no longer spending 80 % of your day hiding what you’re trying to heal.

The quilt may have kept you “safe” from being seen—but spending life unseen is a cost you never wanted to pay.

How to Begin Removing Your Quilt

  1. Acknowledge what you’ve carried. Sit with one piece of the quilt—guilt, shame, regret—and name it.

  2. Write it out. Get the shame on paper. Speak out loud what you’ve been hiding.

  3. Ask for help. You don’t have to do this alone. Connection replaces isolation.

  4. Offer yourself forgiveness. “I saw, I felt, I made choices—and now I choose something different.”

  5. Choose differently today. One small boundary, one honest conversation, one act of self-respect. The quilt loosens.

  6. Celebrate unwrapping moments. Each time you live without the weight of a secret, light finds you.

SLAY Reflection

  1. Do you feel like you’re still wrapped in a shame and guilt quilt?

  2. How does carrying it help you—and how does it hurt you?

  3. What would letting it go allow you to feel or do?

  4. How would your day change if you didn’t have to hide parts of yourself?

  5. What is one small step you can take today to un-wrap something you’ve been carrying?

S – See the quilt you’ve been wearing
L – Let the light of truth and forgiveness in
A – Align with your worth beyond your mistakes
Y – Yield to freedom—un-wrap, un-hide, unleash the real you

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What part of your shame and guilt quilt are you ready to set down—and what might you gain when you do?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s walk out of the shadows—together.

And if you know someone who’s still carrying that quilt, send this to them. Sometimes, someone else saying: “You don’t have to keep carrying it,” is enough to help the process begin.

#SlayOn

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! All you can change is yourself, but that can change everything.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Beautiful

Humility Coming From Pain

I know for me, it took a lot of pain before I found any humility, it actually took me getting knocked down to me knees, time and time again, until I finally surrendered. Up until that point, I thought I knew better, knew what was best for me, and usually, what was best for you too. My ego kept me sick, and it kept me from having meaningful honest relationships in my life. I was never going to find or see a solution when my ego was running the show, and it was my ego that nearly cost me my life. Humility is where we’re teachable, it’s where the light comes in and the healing can start. It’s that place where we give ourselves permission to ask for help, and where we find the willingness to do the work to find peace. Why do we put ourselves through so much pain until we are able to find humility?

I used to think that humility meant weakness. That it meant I couldn’t fail or make excuses for myself, that I had to have it all figured out, and be successful in everything I did. Now that is one tall order I was never going to live up to, no one could. And, not at all what humility actually is. I also used to confuse humility with self-deprecation. I would tell myself I was being humble but really just putting myself down or not taking credit for a compliment or appreciation of a job well done. That was as close to humility as I ever got, self-abuse to beat my ego down for a moment before it inflated back up to it’s super-sized proportion.

When set out on a path of recovery, I was told I needed to stay right-sized. That struggle inside of me of thinking I knew everything but that I was also a piece if crap didn’t know what to do with that. What size was right? I needed to find some humility and figure it out.

The first step of humility for me was asking for help. A phone call that opened the door, and it was from that step that I was able to find some humility from there, but it took some work to get my ego “right-sized” and admit that not only did I not know everything, I probably knew very little. In fact, considering where I found myself, I probably didn’t know much of anything in that moment. That was scary, but also exciting, to know that, if I let myself, I was about to embark on a new way of life that was going to teach me how to live in a healthier happier way. I had to push that ego aside over and over, as being teachable was the most important thing I needed to get better, and still is today. I needed to look at my part of things, and my part was all over the misery and heartache I had felt in my past, and learn to forgive myself and not blame others for my mistakes and choices that had gotten me to that place. I had to learn what true humility was, and I had to learn that when I let my ego run the show again that the only result was pain, pain that would eventually bring me back to humility.

We don’t have to wait for pain to push us to humility, but for many of us that’s what it takes. Sometimes a lot of pain. I am grateful that I was able to endure the pain I was to find my humility, and that I have learned over the years what true humility is and how to use it properly in my life. I know today that we are all important, and what we say, feel and do has the same level of importance and worth, we are all here to contribute and to share who we are and what we are, the best of what we have to offer, but none of us are better than any other, we are all here to learn, to grow, and, to remain teachable, because if we lose that teachability we probably setting ourselves up for more pain. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Has pain lead you to humility in your life? How so? What pain of you caused yourself with your lack of humility? Do you consider humility a bad thing? Why is that? How have you seen humility be a positive attribute in your life or the life of others? What can you do to find more humility in your life? No human being knows everything, and what we do know is limited to our perspective and experience, it is important to always remain open to new ideas and concepts, as well as the knowledge that there the world is much bigger than what we see everyday. We all have a great contribution to make, to share our best selves, but no one’s contribution is better than anyone else’s if it comes from your true self and shared from our heart.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you