compassion

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When you speak your truth with compassion, your words have more power.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Gently

Telling The Truth In A Way It Can Be Heard

I have never been accused of being subtle. My mind works at a fast pace and my mouth is just as fast, and at times, even faster, and can belt out quick comments or opinions as I move about my day. As I’ve walked along this path I have made a conscious effort to use a filter of compassion and understanding on my mouth, but sometimes the unfiltered truth comes out as I’m running out the door, or late because of someone else’s actions or out of my own frustration, and someone gets hurt. What I say typically is the truth, or the truth as I see it, but can probably be said in a softer and gentler way. It seems that the unfiltered truth often gets used on those I love the most, perhaps my immediate response to something I have already had a discussion about or think they should know. But what I should always know is that my words can hurt, and when I feel that rush of hitting my limit of the softer and gentler way, that’s likely when I should double-down on finding that filter instead of just letting the words fly out of my mouth.

Most people are open to hearing the truth, if it’s said in a way that they can receive it. People don’t hear us when we make them wrong. People don’t hear us when when we attack their weakness. People don’t hear us if we’re if we’re telling the truth by making ourselves sound better, or when we assume they don’t understand what we mean. They will typically always hear us when we speak from the heart. That in itself can be the challenge.

Patience is something I work on every day. I have gotten a lot better with it, but when my brain gets it’s gallop going and it’s heading toward the finish line, patience can fly right out the window, and anyone that slows me down or gets in my way sometimes gets trampled on. It’s in those times I need to speak the way I would want to be spoken to. Even if I may be in the right with the truth I am saying, I need to make sure I am carefully choosing my words and the delivery of how I’m saying it or I can be just as wrong. In fact, many times, the moment someone feels spoken down to, criticized or judged they will likely shut you out, and no amount of truth will be getting in once that happens.

We may be right, but it’s not just about being right, it’s about telling the truth in the right way, in a way that can be heard, and a way that you would want to hear it. It’s then, that a conversation can take place, and progress is able to happen in that area. Also, making sure that we’re not holding back our truth until we just can’t anymore and it just come blurting out. Saying it in the moment, or when it’s appropriate, and not just appropriate for us. When we hold back the truth that frustration, resentment or anger can grow and when it finally lands on our lips it can come across much harsher than it was every meant to be, so making sure we are speaking up when we should, so that fire doesn’t burn both of you later on. Work on speaking from your heart, and thinking of the other person as a part of yourself, from that place the truth is often a lot easier to digest. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to be quite direct when speaking our truth? Do you speak your truth in the moment or wait until you can’t hold it in anymore? What is the result of that? How can you improve or shorten the time it takes for you to express your truth? Are people generally open to hearing your truth? If yes, why do you think that is? If no, why do you think that is? What can you do to change your delivery so people may be more receptive to the truth? How do you like to hear the truth? Do you like to hear the truth? Take into consideration how you best receive the truth and work on sending out the truth that way, there may always be someone who isn’t receptive to hearing it, but when we are able to to say it in a way that they don’t feel attacked, they may be better able to recieve what you say.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Be A Conduit Of Good For Others

Before I began this journey, I often did good deeds—but if I’m honest, many were tied to expectations. I sought recognition, appreciation, or something in return. My actions, though seemingly kind, were often self-serving.

When I stepped into recovery, I was met with unconditional support. People offered help without expecting anything back. It baffled me. I waited for the catch, but it never came. Instead, they simply said, “Pay it forward.”

At first, I didn’t grasp the depth of that phrase. But as I started to help others without expecting anything, I felt a shift. Supporting someone else lifted me, too. It reminded me that even in my lowest moments, I had something to offer.

The Power of Selfless Acts

Helping others became a cornerstone of my recovery. Not grand gestures, but simple acts: a smile, a kind word, a listening ear. These moments connected me to others and grounded me in my own healing.

I learned that when I offer support without strings attached, it not only aids someone else but also reinforces my own growth. It’s a two-way street of healing and connection.

Letting Go of Expectations

True kindness doesn’t come with a scoreboard. When I stopped expecting reactions or rewards, my actions became more genuine. If someone didn’t respond as I’d hoped, I learned to let it go, sending them silent well-wishes instead.

This shift freed me from disappointment and allowed me to act from a place of authenticity and compassion.

Small Gestures, Big Impact

Being a conduit of good doesn’t require monumental efforts. It’s in the everyday moments: holding the door, offering a compliment, or simply being present. These small acts can have profound effects on someone’s day—and on our own hearts.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Reflect & Rise

  • Do you look for ways to be a conduit of good in your daily life?

  • Have you experienced someone paying it forward for you? How did that make you feel?

  • What can you offer to someone today?

  • How does giving without expectation shift your perspective?

  • How can you cultivate compassion for others—and yourself?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one way you’ll be a conduit of good today?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who might need a little hope, send this to them.
Sometimes, we just need a reminder that we matter.

Would you like me to create a WordPress excerpt and tags to go with this?

If You Spot It You’ve Got It

Typically those things we find irritating others, those things we judge, or dislike, are things we also have, or dislike about ourselves. We may not always recognize that, we may be in denial that we too exhibit the same behavior, quirk or flaw, but there’s a reason we’re zeroing in on someone else and picking out those things in them, we recognize ourselves there.

Before stepping on this path, and before doing the work to acknowledge my own issues, I often judged other people. I judged them for exhibiting the same behaviors as I was, even though I would never admit that I was behaving that way, or had the issues “they” had. I always had an opinion about what they should be doing, or how they could do it better. And when they failed, I thought, they’re not strong like I am. But what I wasn’t willing to see is that all of that judgment I placed on other people was to deflect my own behavior and actions. If I could put the focus on everyone else, shine a spotlight on their character defects or bad decisions, I could keep doing what I was doing in the dark without anyone noticing, or so I thought. I was noticing. Maybe not consciously, but subconsciously, there was no hiding from myself. And once I made the commitment to get honest, and get better, I realized what I had been doing most of my life, pointing out other people’s flaws and mistakes, I was guilty of doing all of the same things. That was a tough pill to swallow at first because I had stood with my head held high like I was better, smarter and healthier than those I judged, and in the end I was just as bad, maybe even worse, and that was a big piece of humble pie.

Today when I start to judge someone, and it happens, I pause, and I take a look at why I am feeling the need to tear someone else down, and what may be missing or needing work on my end? What do I need to look at, and am avoiding, that’s causing me to want to shine the spotlight on someone else, instead of looking at myself? It’s a good indicator that I have work to do. And, I can now use my acknowledgment of someone else’s stuff as a form of compassion, or understanding, because I likely share in that same behavior. I have been able to turn my judgment of others into something positive, for me, and as a way to connect to those around me.

What we find disturbing or irritating in others is typically what we find disturbing or irritating in ourselves. And that, is our problem. We are all responsible for ourselves and our own behavior, what someone else is doing is none of your business. It is not up to us to judge them or school them on how they should be living their lives, but we can certainly look at how we’re living ours when we find our focus shifts to someone else. Our focus on someone else’s behavior is the best indicator that we need to shift our focus back on us. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to judge others for how they’re living their lives? Why do you think you do this? Do you try to give that person advice? How is that usually received? What behavior or character traits usually catch your eye as something that should be fixed? Do you see those same things in yourself? What can you do to place the focus back on yourself and away from judging someone else? What are some of the things that you pick out in others that you also have yourself? When you look at that list, how do you feel? What don’t you like about what’s written on that list? What can you do to fix that? We all have moments when we judge others. It’s what we do when we notice we’re doing that sets us apart. Use those moments to take a look at your own behavior and actions, use those urges to fix someone to fix yourself. Find away to let that stuff go.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Anger Is A Response To Fear

Might have made you think about that for a moment. It’s been regarded for some time that fear is not a base feeling or emotion. It is something we use to cover up feeling disregarded, unimportant, accused, guilty, untrustworthy, devalued, rejected, powerless, and unlovable. None of those feelings are good, and we certainly don’t want to feel any of those feelings, so many of us, will go to great lengths to cover them up, and anger is one heck of a smokescreen.

Anger can scare people away, get them off the scent of what’s really going on, especially when it seems to come out of nowhere, people can get jolted by, fearful of it, or match that emotion and get angry themselves, it can be contagious, and when everyone is angry the true source of the anger gets lost.

When I think back to who I used to be I got angry a lot. And, when I’m really looking at the source to my anger many times it was to hide what was really going on, because, I figured, no one really wants to deal with an angry person, so people will just leave me alone or just give me what I want so I would go away. That sounds really sad when I see it in black and white. But it’s the truth. I hid behind anger as a shield so I wouldn’t have to look at what was really going on. And what was really going on is that I wasn’t able, or willing, to look at my part in all of the things I was using anger to hide. I wanted to blame everybody else, any thing else, rather than even consider I may be causing myself most of my pain by the decisions and choices I was making. So when I got caught in a place where I had made a bad decision and felt embarrassed by the outcome, I would get mad, angry, to hide my own shame.

It’s funny because now that I no longer allow myself to do that, I see it in others. When someone gets mad or angry I begin to think what might be the actual issue, rather than just jump in and match their anger, or, feel hurt by their actions. Now, I’m human, so there are times I do get hurt in the moment, but I try to peel that back and look into what really may have been going on. It allows me to find some compassion for the other person, and, if they’re willing to talk, find out what the real issue is. For me today, if I suddenly flare up and feel angry, it is my job to look at what is really going on. Now that I no longer live my life in fear, many times it’s base is from a choice I’ve made, that I probably knew was not the best choice, but I made it anyway and now I’m suffering the result of that choice, so, I’m angry. But the right response to those situations should be, lesson learned, I’ll make the right choice next time. Allow myself to feel the frustration of that result, but not let it take over and have power over me letting it escalate to anger.

When we take away anger as a base feeling, it already seems to lessen it’s power and strength over us. And when we feel anger creep in, that’s another time to get out our SLAYER detective hats on and find out what’s really going on. What our anger really is is an opportunity to do better next time, it’s giving us information we need to avoid feeling that way again from the same source, and, we may feel it again from that same source a few times over, I know for me, it usually takes more than once before I get the hint, but, the point is we look for it and we try.

Take away anger’s power, look at it for what it truly is. Change what you can, and accept what you can not. Those are truly the only two antidotes for anger. SLAY on my friends!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let anger get the best of you? Do you find yourself angry and don’t know why? Do you know why and are using anger to hide something? What do you typically use anger to hide? Why do you do that? Is there something you can do so you’re not making the same decisions that get you to anger? What can you change or do differently? When you feel angry, are you able to pinpoint the source of it? Think of the last time you were angry. What was the source of it? And, no, I don’t mean point fingers to someone or something else. What was your part? What can you change for the next time so you don’t find yourself in anger. Take responsibility for actions SLAYER, we all make mistakes, so admit them when you’ve made them, you’ll be surprised how many people will understand, and maybe even help you, when you are honest about who you are and what you’ve done. Anger doesn’t help anyone, and it keeps you in the same cycle you’ve always been in. Break the cycle, kick anger to the curb by changing your path, our actions, the choices you make, and take your power back from anger.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

You Can’t Change The Past, But You Can Change How It Affects You

There is no going back. No way to erase our past, make different choices, take different action. The past is, well, the past, it is what it is. Before stepping on this path I used the stories from my past to back up the narrative that I wanted to tell, that I was a victim. I would use it to try to manipulate people to get what I want, to get them to feel sorry for me, or show them how I had been wronged. In reality, most of that past, those stories, I played a big part in, but I couldn’t see that when I was living in the dark, I wasn’t willing to. I used my past as an excuse to act out, to act badly, or to not act at all. If someone called me out on my behavior I would cite a time from my past that I thought justified what I had done in the present, and by doing that I was letting my past have power over me, I was also letting it affect my present by continuing those behaviors and mimicking those situations over and over. It wasn’t until I made the commitment to get better, to live my life in the light, to be honest, to everyone, especially myself, that I realized that how my past affected me could be changed.

Instead of walking around with shame, anger, or frustration about my past, I learned to take responsibility for my part, and in most cases I did have a part. As soon as I was old enough to have a choice my part was all over the negative places in my past. I had chosen to engage with certain people, I had chosen not to follow through on what I promised, I had chosen to lie or manipulate someone or a situation, I had chosen to steal, I had chosen to…well, the list went on. It was hard to look at that list at first, because I had crafted my whole identity around being a victim, and even when I could see my part, I would justify it because I was a victim. Getting better for me meant stopping the blame, pointing the finger back at me and asking what I could have done better, and where I had no choice, looking at what I could learn from that person or situation that I could use going forward. If there wasn’t anything, I had to learn to accept it and I had to learn to forgive, the other person, and, myself. Tall order right? It seems so when you think about how much life you’ve lived, and how much damage has been done, but when you break it down, and write it down, and really look at it, look for the patterns, what that gives you is some very useful information about yourself. It shows you where you tend to fall, where you tend to back down, where the action does not serve you, and were you’re not honest. It shows you all of that, but the good part of that is if you make a choice to not continue that behavior, you now know what to look out for, so when you’re about to fall back on those old behaviors, a warning should pop up, it should seem familiar, and it’s at that moment that you should think about your next move and what the next right action is. Now, when I first started doing this, sometimes I didn’t know, so I had to pause to think about it, or in some cases, reach out to someone else and ask for help. As I always say, life is not a game show, there is no prize for the fastest response, so if you’re unsure of what to do or say, pause, and if you’re still unsure you can certainly say that you don’t have an answer at the moment and will get back to the person, or need to step away. As simple as that. Change takes time, and you have to give yourself the gift of time to get into the habit of being honest, and looking for the right thing to do or say instead of falling back into old habits.

When we practice taking the right actions, for us, and also considering the other person, our past tends to be less of a collection of bad memories and experiences. We take responsibility for actions and when we are wrong, we admit it and make it right if we can, or, at the very least, apologize or make an amends. Our past cannot be changed, but when we change our present it no longer affects us the it had because we are no longer that person, we are striving to be better, and more honest about who we are, those mistakes from our past no longer hold power over us because we admit to our mistakes, and, we have let them go. Move forward SLAYER, learn about yourself from those experiences, and in doing so let go, and how you think about your past. You do have control over what your past means to you, and how it affects you today. Take what you can from it, and discard the rest, what’s important is the decisions you’re making today, and how you move forward from this point on. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: When you think about your past is it mainly negative? Why is that? Write down three big moments from your past you think affects you the most. Did you have a choice in being in that situation? If yes, why did you choose to be there? Why did you make the choices you did within that situation? Where you being honest and true to yourself in those choices? What can you do differently today to make better choices for yourself? If you did not have a choice, how can you find forgiveness, in yourself, or perhaps the other person(s) involved? Or, how can you move on from something in your past that holds you back? Sometimes it helps to have someone help you, for me that came in the form of a counselor, as well as some trusted friends, and people who shared their experiences with me, so look for ways and people who may be able to help you through this process, there is no shame in asking for help, I certainly needed to, but it’s worth the work and effort, to set yourself free of a past that you have let shackle you to a time that no longer exists. Break free and let yourself go.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You are enough. You have always been enough. You will always be enough. You matter.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Important 1

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When things go wrong, don’t go with them.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Bad Things

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Always speak your truth, even if your voice shakes.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Lie

Your Past Does Not Define You

Well, unless you let it. Many of us have come from difficult, troubled, or tragic places, sometimes beyond our control, it’s easy to get labeled, or label ourselves as victims, or as those people from our past, but that’s not who we are.

I used to dwell on the past, use it as an excuse to for bad behavior, for not treating myself well, for doing self-destructive things, to me, and those around me. I told myself that it didn’t matter, that I was a bad person, and that I was entitled to it because of my past, I was wrong. Perpetuating that story or narrative only got me deeper into the darkness, and yes, there are times in our lives, or circumstances, that are beyond our control, but as an adult we at some point need to take responsibility for who we are and how we’re living our lives, and not use those things as a crutch to behave badly or to not do better for ourselves. We as adults have the power to change our stories, or to start new ones. To say that the past is the past and let it go, or move forward. Some things are easier than others to let go, but nothing is impossible. There may be circumstances that change us forever, but we then get to decide who we are in that new normal, and how we can make a difference, to ourselves, or others. I found a way to take seemingly negative events in my life and use them to connect with others, to share, to offer hope, those things, the past, now has positive purpose in my life, and because of that, all of that darkness is now surrounded by light.

No one gets to tell us who we are, or should be. Only we get to decide. And if someone is only willing to see us the way we were, or in a certain light that is not true to who we are today, then perhaps we need to let them go. It is also up to us who we share our lives with, and as we learn and try to live in the light it’s important to share our lives with those also doing the same, or, at least trying.

Using your past to hide is like continuing the abuse, the bad behavior, or reliving the difficult circumstance over and over again, only you are the one who’s doing it to yourself. To me, that makes it worse. It’s up to us to break the pattern, it’s up to us to say that’s not who we are, and it’s up to us to rise above and not let that define us. There may be residual effects from our past that we need to deal with in our day to day lives today, but we deal with them, we take them in stride, and not let them stop us from moving on, from living the life we want for ourselves today, from succeeding where we once may have failed. Everyone has obstacles to overcome, some more than others, but finding a way to work through them, work around them, or, incorporate them into the life we want is what sets us apart from those who stay stuck and never reach their full potential.

Let the past go, talk about it, work through it, tell yourself that you are not what has happened to you, or even what you may have done to yourself, not if you change that behavior today, and when you are able to do that there is no shame in where you’ve come from, because you are no longer that person, you are better, stronger, brighter, you are who you are truly meant to be, and to get there, it takes some falls, some lessons, and some forgiveness. Let go of what no longer serves you, look for opportunities to turn your past into a positive path for you to walk today, one that allows you to be your best self and allows you to let go of what no longer serves you. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let your past define you? Do others label you based on your past? How does that make you feel? Or, are you the one who labels yourself? Why? How does that help you? How does that hurt you? What can you do today to overcome your past? Who in your life can help you do that? Who supports you in this effort? Who do you admire for rising above their past? What can you learn from them? What can you apply to your own life to do the same? SLAYER, we all have the opportunity to let go, make peace, or re-purpose those parts of our past that are not who we are today, so don’t let anyone, or yourself, hold you back from being your best you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you