Mental Health

Be The Attitude You Want To Be Around

We’ve all felt it—that lift you get from someone’s positive energy. The kind of vibe that makes a room feel warmer, lighter, better. We seek it out, gravitate toward it, and sometimes, we depend on it. But here’s a truth that changed everything for me:

Instead of waiting to be around the energy you want, be it.

Don’t get me wrong—we need good people in our lives. Community, support, and encouragement are vital. But real change happens when you stop outsourcing your attitude—and start showing up as the person you wish you could find.

I Wasn’t Always That Person

When I was deep in my darkness, I avoided positive people. They annoyed me. I didn’t trust their joy. I assumed it was fake. And, if I’m being honest, I didn’t want them to see the way I was living.

But beneath all that judgment was jealousy.

I admired them. I just didn’t believe I could ever be like them.

Recovery taught me otherwise.

It showed me that joy can be genuine. That light isn’t fake—it’s earned. And I could earn it, too.

So I made a promise to myself: I would become the person I wanted to be around.

Not overnight. But one day at a time.

Give What You Wish to Get

In the beginning, I didn’t feel like I had much to offer. I was still shaky, still figuring it out. But someone reminded me:

Even if you’re just a few steps in, you’ve got something to share.

Because someone else is just starting out. And to them, you might look like a mile ahead.

So I showed up. I told the truth. I dropped the act and chose transparency. And little by little, I built trust in myself by being accountable, being honest, and shifting from asking, “What can I get?” to “What can I give?”

And I found that even on my worst days, if I could help someone else, it helped me too.

Sometimes, two bad days colliding can spark one good one.

Attitude Is Energy

Gratitude was a big part of this shift. When I started focusing on what I had instead of what I lacked, everything changed.

Even the hard things didn’t feel impossible anymore—because I wasn’t tackling them alone. I learned to ask for help. That was huge for me.

Asking for help didn’t make me weak. It made me real.

And in asking, I often gave someone else the gift of showing up. We got closer. We built something.

Because we all need help sometimes.

Become the Energy You Admire

Think about the attitudes you’re drawn to. What do you admire in others? What kind of energy lifts you up?

Now ask yourself:

What if that’s already inside of me?

What if the very thing you’re craving is something you’re meant to cultivate and share?

Start there. Be that. You might just find your truest self waiting on the other side.

SLAY Reflection

Ask yourself:

  • What attitude or energy am I most drawn to?
  • Do I embody that energy—or just chase it in others?
  • What’s stopping me from becoming that kind of person?
  • How can I use gratitude and service to shift my own energy?
  • What’s one small step I can take today to be the vibe I want to be around?

S – L – A – Y

S: See the energy you admire in others.
L: Listen to how your own attitude shows up.
A: Act in alignment with the energy you want to attract.
Y: Yield to your inner strength—it’s always been there.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
What’s the attitude you want to be around—and how are you choosing to embody it in your own life?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s working on becoming their best self, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! A dangerous place to live is in a state of “I’ve always done it this way.” When going back doesn’t interest you anymore, you’re doing something right.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay New Beginning

Hear Your Own Complaints

I know for myself that no matter how bad I might complain about something, or feel that something is, it never warrants me going to back to the way I lived my life before. As I always remind myself, my worst days today are still better than my best days back then, but my mind can try to convince me when I’m angry, lonely or tired, that how I’m feeling in that moment will not change, I’m grateful to know that it will. Life ebbs and it flows, nothing lasts forever, things always passes, and I know, from talking to those who have slid back to their old way of life, that there is nothing good waiting for me there, and likely what is waiting is worse than where I left it, and it was really bad. I need to put things into perspective and use the experience I’ve had on this path to remind myself to stay right where I am and not go back, and  any thoughts of going back are my illness trying to lure me back to where I came from, they’re not truths. No burdens, disappointments, blows to my pride or ego, or loss is worth going back to my old way of life. And if I harbor those thoughts and not let them go I’m at risk of sliding back, so I know I have to learn to live life as it comes, to not get stuck in negative thinking and to let go of anything that could potentially pull me back, recognizing that my complaining could be the gateway to the way I used to be.

It is up to us to keep ourselves in check, to stay positive, live in the light, and to stay in gratitude, no matter what is going on. Ultimately, even when we’re going through things that challenge us, we still have many things to be grateful for, so when I find myself in one of those places I know I need to double-down on my gratitude and focus on the positive, from that place I know I won’t slide back, and from that place I can keep track of what’s really important in my life and not what my head tells me is. I also have to be aware of the patterns of my thinking, what triggers those negative thoughts and sets me off in the wrong direction, and listen for those same complaints, and that tone I’ve heard before, always remembering that as I’ve gotten better, my illness or disease has been learning what I have, so it’s using that information and trying to find the work-around while I’m working to stay well and continue to grow.

It’s important to listen to ourselves and our own complaints. To recognize the ones we’ve heard before, or even the tone of our complaining to identify what may be setting us off in that direction. We are typically so quick to judge others when they complain but we don’t call ourselves out in the same way and pin-point the true source of the problem, which may be, that there is no problem, sometimes we make problems when there aren’t any because we’re more used to having them than not, and it’s uncomfortable to live without them, but we must learn. We always need to be rigorously honest with ourselves, about ourselves, to make sure we stay on the path that allows us to be our best selves. When we listen, we learn, and when we have knowledge, we are can do anything. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you listen or take notice when you complain? When you find yourself in that place, where does it lead you? Does your mind take you back to a darker time? How can you prevent yourself from going there? What are the warning signs that you’re headed there? How can you keep yourself in the light and in a place of gratitude? Finding the gratitude in your life will keep you in the light, even when you may be going through a dark time, it’s that gratitude that will keep the light burning in your life and light your way back to your path.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! If you cannot do great things, do things in a great way.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Expectation

The Set-Up For The Let-Down

Before walking this path I very often would set myself up for a let-down. I would allow myself to have these grandiose thoughts or expectations, that life just couldn’t live up to, and certainly my efforts couldn’t produce, and then fall into a depression when my fairy-tale ideas of how things should be fell short. I would repeatedly do this, falling deeper and deeper into my darkness each time my expectations weren’t matched by my reality. But, there was an even darker force at work than just disappointment. Part my sickness was that if I failed, or if the result wasn’t what I had imagined, it allowed me to continue telling the narrative that I wasn’t good enough and didn’t deserve good things. As much as my ego would say I did deserve the best, my head would tell me, when I didn’t get it, that I didn’t get it because I don’t deserve the best. And that was only part of my insanity, and I constantly set myself up to be let-down.

A lot of where this thinking and behavior came from was self-centered fear. I was afraid of losing what I already had, or afraid of not getting what I wanted, or should say, demanded, because if it didn’t look and feel exactly the way I had envisioned it, it was never good enough. I was living daily with unsatisfied demands, which led to a place of continuous irritability and frustration. I didn’t know, consciously, what I was doing to myself, or even that I was being controlled by my disease, I just continued  in the loop of expecting too much and not getting enough.

This also bled into my friendships and relationships. My expectations of everyone in my life was perfection, unless I was in the need to feel superior, then it was OK if they fell short because I could swoop in and tell them how they were doing it wrong, or how I would have done it. I didn’t give anyone any leeway to make mistakes, work at their own pace, or discover things on their own…sometimes I can still fall back into these behaviors, but it’s not any of my business what anyone else is doing, and how they’re doing it, so why get myself all frustrated and irritated with someone else’s decisions? Again, it plays into setting myself up for a let-down. As long as I kept myself in that cycle I was never going to get any better, and I was never going to see what I was actually doing, and what was happening actually was my doing.

Part of my journey to get well was to look at things for what they are. To have goals, hopes and dreams, yes, but not blow them up to such inflated heights that no person or thing could ever match it. I had to live within realistic terms, and, even if those didn’t play out the way I had hoped, to accept that they played out the way they were supposed to if I had done everything I could to make it happen. Sometimes, I had to learn, I wasn’t mean to have whatever it was I wanted, because I meant to have something else, or be somewhere else. Acceptance was the key to this new way of life.

We set ourselves up to fail if we always set our expectations to impossible heights. Always reach for the top, but make sure the top you see is attainable for you in that moment, and if it’s not, see what is within reach, and maybe by reaching that top, there is an even higher top waiting for you from that place. Live in the now, and keep your expectations in check as you grow and excel from the place you are right now. Life is a journey, there are no short-cuts, what lies in front of us is where we must go to get where, ultimately, we are meant to be, so suit up, show up, and never give up, there’s reason for everything, trust that journey as you continue to reach for attainable goals for you today! SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you set yourself up to fail? Why do you think you do this? Are your expectations so high that no one could ever reach them, even yourself? Why do you think you set them so high? How do you feel when you, or someone else, doesn’t reach your expectations? How do you think you can change this? Why do you think you should, or need, to change this? What realistic goal can you set for yourself and achieve this week? Take a look at your expectations SLAYER, and see if you are setting yourself up for disappointment when you can set yourself up for success by setting your sights on goals that are within your reach.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Trust the journey and know that a setback is merely a chance for a stronger comeback!

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Believe In Yourself

Never, Never Again

There were so many times in my life, before walking this path, that I would say never again. And yet, I would repeat those same behaviors over and over, even the ones I knew were self-destructive and were taking down an even darker road than I was already on. My attitude, always, was, well if I’ve already messed up this little bit I might as go whole hog and hit the “f*ck it button.” There was no middle ground, I was either doing great, or down in the dumps, I gave myself no room for anything in between. Living within those tight parameters I was setting myself up to fail, most of the time, and truthfully that’s where my head wanted me, to constantly be failing so I would increasingly get worse and think there was no way out. But there was.

When I finally fell to my knees and was able ask for help, I was told it takes time to break old habits and to begin a new way of life, and that even if I made mistakes, or failed in my opinion, that was part of the recovery process. That I had to wrap my head around. Failure was part of the process? Well, the truth was, it wasn’t really “failure,” it was all just part of the process, something I had to learn as I fell and got back up again. I also learned that those falls were where I learned the most, so they, for me, were an essential part of the process. I had to find comfortabililty in the gray areas between what I viewed as “right” or “wrong.” Being OK in the gray wasn’t easy at first because the minute I wasn’t perfect at this new way of life and slipped back into old behaviors or patterns, that negative bullshit committee in my head would pipe up and say, “see, you can’t do it!” In fact, they would scream it. And, I had to learn to say, “you’re lying, I can, watch me.”

Change takes time. It takes of trying, over and over again, until it becomes less effort. Until it becomes a part of who you are and not something you have to think about anymore. You are going to fail, or fall, or make mistakes, that’s part of making changes, but the important thing is to not give up, to keep going, to do better next time, or try again. Don’t put those parameters on yourself and say never again, you may do it again, you may do it many times before you stop doing it, and even when you stop doing it, you may do it another time. Allow yourself to have some wiggle room, to be in the gray space in between, where you’re trying your best, and that’s good enough, it is actually more than good enough. It was pointed out to me in my early journey that I had done things the old way much longer than I had the new way, so it wasn’t fair to beat myself for falling back to what I knew or once did, but I always had the chance to do it better the next time. And that’s what I did. It’s been over 13 years now and sometimes I can still fall back, but I know now that when I do it’s just a moment and it’s not who I am today, and maybe I fall back from time to time to remind myself where I don’t want to fall back to, and that’s OK, because today I know the right choices for me and what I need to do to live this life I’ve worked so hard for, a slip from time to time isn’t the end of the world, it’s just part of the process.

Allow yourself to make mistakes, and when you do, never say never again, say, I’ll do better next time, or I’ll try to, or, I did my best today. No one is perfect, and embracing those times we may fall back, and learning to look at them as learning opportunities rather than failures is the mindset that will get us to the place we’re working so hard for, I know, because I got there, and I know you can too. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like you’ve failed if you fall back on old behaviors? Do you beat yourself up for it? Do you set strict parameters for yourself that you can’t possibly live within to grow and learn naturally? Why do you think you do this? How do you think you can ease those parameters to let yourself grow and make mistakes as part of your process and journey? What do you think will happen if you do? Let yourself live in the gray area sometimes, let go of the restrictions of right or wrong and let yourself find your way, always striving to do better the next time if you haven’t made the best choice in the moment, let yourself find the right way and not beat yourself up for the mistakes along the way, those mistakes might just be what’s guiding you to the right choice the next time.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! If you can carry love in your heart, you can heal any moment.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Choose Life

Immobilized By Sadness

I used to let my sadness immobilize me. I’d let it wash over me and take me out to sea, where I’d just float in my sadness until one day I’d wash up on shore again. I was out to sea with my sadness much more than I was on shore before walking this path. I’d let my anger do the same, let it take over, feeling paralyzed. It’s awful being in that place, feeling hopeless, helpless and without a way out. I can still feel that way, but now I know I can’t let it take hold of me the way it once did, it’s too hard to get back.

That sadness, and anger, took hold me other night and the following morning. I got up anyway, and trudged forward, and then finally sank back into bed with the blanket over my head. I knew I couldn’t let myself stay there, and it’s rare that I even indulge the way I did that morning, but I let myself succumb to it, giving myself a time limit to sink back in. Sometimes I allow myself to fall back so I remember how bad it feels, and it did feel bad, but there was also a part of me that relished it, and just wanted to tune out the world and stay there. I made myself get up, I had too much to do just to hide in my room, and I kept trudging forward once again. But the sadness stayed, like a veil over the day, a veil that sometimes I would trip over and be reminded of throughout the day. I knew it would pass, in fact, most of it has already, but I used to believe my head when it would tell me that it never would, and that I would always be drifting in the sea of sadness, that thought would immobilize me and I would just stay there.

Today I focus on forward motion. That’s not to say I rush through, I do focus on getting to the heart of what’s really going on, and what feelings and emotions might also be tagging along from my past. I am in forward motion, but at my own pace. And we all have different paces. Don’t rush through because you want to feel better without figuring out what triggered the sadness and why, but don’t let yourself get washed out to sea either. For me, it takes a lot of checking in, really seeing where I’m at and if I’m just lingering the old-time sake, or if I am where I’m supposed to be in my process. Forward motion, always, even if it’s an inch at a time.

Only we suffer when we let our sadness immobilize us, and speaking from my own experience, if you let yourself float too far out to sea, it can be nearly impossible to get back, I nearly didn’t. We should acknowledge our sadness, and even talk about it, that alone may quash it and send it packing, but even if it doesn’t, reminding yourself to keep moving forward, and, if you’re not able to come to a concrete solution, to just let it go, you won’t get stuck in it. Do the work you need to get on the other side of it, and to put it in perspective, it can be easy to blow it up into something bigger than it is, or to only see your point-of-view, sometimes the way out is looking at it through someone else’s eyes, that may be the life-preserver you need. Either way, you are the one who can break free of your sadness, focus on the good in your life, and do something good for you, that will get you moving out of sadness and into happiness. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let your sadness overtake you and immobilize you? How? Why? What can you do to not let it take over? What typically triggers your sadness? Is that something you can control or change? When it gets triggered, how long does your sadness immobilize you? How can you shorten that time? How can you not let it immobilize you at all? Find out what triggers your sadness, and when it happens focus on moving through it, instead of letting it move through you. Take control and learn from your sadness, and then let it go. You have the power to do that SLAYER, I know you do.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Loneliness Is Curable

If someone had told me that my loneliness was curable before stepping on this path I would have laughed. I had always felt lonely, even in a big room full of people. I always felt apart from everyone else, different, and those feelings kept me from connecting with others. I always had friends, and had several long-term romantic relationships, but I never really let anyone in completely, fearing that what they would find in me they wouldn’t like, because I didn’t like myself on the inside. That feeling of loneliness was always present in my day-to-day life. What I didn’t realize is that I held the key to that loneliness, I could let people in and find a peace and love in myself to wipe out the loneliness I felt.

Just as we hold the key to most of our suffering, we hold the key to our recovery from our past. For me, I found a way to connect with a spiritual way of life, to find a belief in something greater than myself. That took some time, even though I had always believed there was something out there, I was told it was up to me to find something that I could connect to and nurture a relationship with. I set out to find something that wanted the best for me, that was there to guide me and watch out for me, and I started to talk and connect with that idea. That alone wasn’t enough, but it was a great start. As that connection grew stronger I started to feel less alone, and that along with making an effort to connect with others like myself, who were on a similar path, those feelings of loneliness started to subside. It wasn’t always easy at the start, to reach out to people I didn’t really know, but it helped to focus on our commonality and those things I knew we shared and when I was able to do that asking someone to meet for a coffee or for their phone number became less scary, and as I did that and formed new friendships and relationships my life got richer and fuller. I still maintained many of the friendships from before, but it helped to form new ones with people who understood the journey I was on.

We, many times, impose our own loneliness, we sentence ourselves to be alone, because we may not feel worthy, or may not like ourselves or convince ourselves we don’t deserve to have good people in our lives, we do, but we have to believe we do and then set out to form those friendships. And, if you live in a smaller community where it’s more difficult to find people like yourself, find them online, find groups or fandoms that you can relate to, and that have common interests, goals or ways of life that coincide with yours. They’re out there. There are so many ways to cure your loneliness, all it takes is some effort on your part, no matter where you find yourself, no matter what interests or excites you, there are people just like you who will not only accept you, but embrace you, so let them know you’re out there and invite them in. Your loneliness is within your control, take your power back and let yourself live as your true self, allowing others to celebrate who you are along with you. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel lonely? When do you feel lonely? Why do you think you feel lonely? Have you always felt lonely, or was there a specific time or event that started your loneliness? Do you feel like there is something missing from your life? If so, what is it? Are you able to identify it? Do you have a spiritual belief or relationship in your life? If so what is it? When you connect with something greater than yourself, do you feel less lonely? Does connecting with it give you comfort or make you feel more confident? Do you have trouble making new friends, or seeking out new people with similar interests or a similar journey? If not, why not? What gets in your way? Find the courage, SLAYER, to reach out those like yourself if you’re feeling alone, work on engaging with those people and find a commonality with them you can connect to. You can cure your own loneliness, but it takes work, so get to work and kick loneliness to the curb!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you