Love

Slay On

Good morning SLAYER! You are not alone.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Let In

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The person who tries to keep everyone happy often ends up the loneliest, focus on making yourself happy, and loving who you are.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Wrong

Upside-Down Personality Right-Side Up

I always felt different from everyone else. As far back as I can remember, sitting in school, or standing in the playground, everyone else seemed to have an easier time than I did, or so it seemed, to me. I always had friends, but I had to work at it, it wasn’t something that came easily to me. I would overthink things, try to plan out what I was going to say, worry about what others were thinking about me, and trying to anticipate who everyone else wanted me to be. I always felt like my thinking, my humor, who I was was upside-down.

I managed to get by for a long time pretending I was like you. But eventually all that pretending caught up to me, and I tried to use things to stuff down the anxiety and uncomfortably I felt in my day-to-day life. I thought maybe it was something I would grow out of, but I never did. And as I finished school and started my career that anxiety got worse, so I did whatever I could to suffocate it with whatever I could, to appear normal. Eventually what I was doing to get by stopped working and the anxiety ramped up even more to the point where it became unbearable. I found myself in my mid-30’s not really knowing who I was but not liking who I thought myself to be. If I thought I was upside-down in the past, I was now really upside-down then.

I was fortunate that someone came into my life at that time who had felt the way I had. But, he no longer felt that way. I was intrigued. Was there a way to turn my upside-side personality right-side up? He told me there was, because he had done it. It had never occurred to me that I could, I thought I would just have to find a way to live the way I had been, even though I knew I couldn’t go on living that way. I was desperate enough to try something new and so I set out on this path I now walk on.

The key to finding my right-side-up personality was with self-love, but I also a heavy dose of forgiveness. Some things were easier to forgive than others, but the more I was able to see that the way I felt wasn’t always because of my own actions, that I had a mental illness that got in the way of me living and learning like most people, and because of that I did not have the tools I needed to live a healthy and happy life. Even that took some acceptance, even though it made sense to me and I was identifying with the symptoms and actions of my illness, I had to get over the stigma of being labeled with one, but once I was able to accept that, I wanted to gather as many tools as I could, because I knew I had to get to work, and I knew if I did, I could get better. I realized that how I had felt as a child was not my fault, there was something else going on that I couldn’t have understood, and that I did the best I could with the information I had. Did I go on a spree of self-destruction later in adulthood, yes, but again, I had a disease I didn’t know I had and without the proper information I just reached for what I could to quiet it down.

Today I know the difference. I know who I am, and I love who I am, flaws and all…remember those aren’t really flaws they are what make us flawsome. But I’ve done enough work to know what I’m dealing with today, that doesn’t make every day easy, but it makes it manageable, and if it doesn’t feel manageable, I have places to go to hit the reset button, and people I can talk to walk me through it. I’ve also learned that some of my personality is a little upside-down, but today I embrace those upside-down parts, it’s what makes me me, as long as I make sure that most of me is right-side up, I know I’ll be OK. And you know what, you will be too. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel different from those around you? How so? Do you think that what makes you different makes is wrong? Why? Who says they’re wrong? Do they hurt you? Do they hurt others? What parts of you would you like to change? How can you? Why would you like to change those things? Is there someone or a group of people who can help you do that? Have you reached out to them in the past? If not, why haven’t you? If you have, why didn’t you continue to do the work? Is there something you’re afraid of? Does feeling better scare you? Why? SLAYER, you have the power to change, and that’s pretty powerful, I know because I’ve done it. Seek out those who can help you make the changes you want to see in yourself. Love yourself through those changes and find forgiveness in the past when you didn’t know the difference, and love yourself for knowing what you do today.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYERS! You may be imperfect, but you are worthy of belonging and love.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Worth Loving

Worthy Of Love

I find myself in a place I’ve never been. A place I don’t think I thought I would ever be in. A place that is new, where I am vulnerable, and I’ve been, and am vulnerable, but this is a new kind of vulnerability, a good kind, a sweet kind, a kind I should be, and am blessed to be experiencing, and yet I find that I get scared in this place. That in itself surprises me. I have walked this road for almost 13 years now, and I’ve learned that my vulnerability is one of my strengths, but what I’ve learned, in this place that I am, is that there is still a part of me that doesn’t believe I am worthy of this kind of love. No one is more surprised by this than I am. My whole being is about self-love, receiving love, and sharing love with others, so now, in this place of ultimate love, how I can I be so scared? How can I still have this doubt deep inside that I’m not worthy of someone else’s love?

When I first realized that that is what my fear was based in, it made me sad. It saddened me to think that there was still a part of myself that didn’t believe, and that that part of me that had been laying dormant, silent, while the rest of me celebrated myself and the love I did have in my life, but this love is different. This love is true. Not that the other love in my life isn’t, or wasn’t, but this is a kind of love I’ve never known, one that I had seen, in other people, or in the movies, but never really believed was real or could happen to me. But here it is. And here I stand, scared of what that kind of love means. It seems silly to me when I think about it, that fear, but it’s there, and very real, and then that sadness rolls like low fog telling me I don’t get to have this kind of love. But I do, and I am, but that part of me that is sick, the disease, is trying to make one last stand to get in the way of me and my happiness, and all of the work I’ve done that had led me here.

So what now? Well, I know I have to walk through this fear. I know it’s not real and I know it’s based on the stories I used to tell myself. I do deserve to be happy. I do deserve to be loved. I do deserve to have this kind of love in my life, and I know I can have it, I do have it. I have to conquer my fears, and tell those voices that they’re wrong, they’re lying to me, they’re not going to win. For some reason it feels like it used to when I had to fight, it’s brought up those feelings of doubt, but I know I have it in me, I know the truth, and I deserve to walk away beating my fears to something really wonderful, and I will. I guess, in my my commitment to always be honest with all of you, I had to say all of that out loud, to share it with you all so that it would lose some power over me, and to know that all of you SLAYERS are standing by my side with your torches ablaze as I walk through my fears.

If you find yourself in fear, or feeling not worthy of love, walk with me, because you do, and are, let us stand together and move forward through our fears to the love that is waiting for us, that is ours. Stop listening to those voices or old stories that tell us we don’t get to have it, we do, and are meant to. Focus on the love in your life and see the love all around you, the love you receive and the love you give, know that you are worthy of all of it, and that there is much more love out there waiting for you. Tear down the darkness of your fears and let the light of love in, even if you’re afraid to let it, it is in the light of love that our true spirit shines, and we fully become who we are meant to be. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel worthy of love? If not, why not? Why do you think you don’t feel worthy? Is it because of things that have happened in your past, or things you were told? Are these things valid today? Are they true? Or are they just stories or experiences from our past from before you became the person you are today? Let go of the past SLAYER, focus on who you are and what you need. Let love in, and don’t listen to those negative voices that tell you you don’t deserve love, they don’t speak the truth, and only you can silence them by showing them just how much love you are capable of having. Let your light shine.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Your body hears what your mind says.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

state-of-slay Problem

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You can’t hang around negative people and expect to have a positive life.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Worth

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Let love in.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

state-of-slay- Self-Destruction

It’s Very Difficult To Push Love Away

Now don’t get me wrong, it can be done, I’ve done it, back when I didn’t love myself, I did push love away because I didn’t accept it, or didn’t believe it, or felt I was unlovable. So, it is possible to push love away, but it takes an effort.

When I started on this path I hated myself. I hated myself so much I would look down to brush my teeth because I couldn’t stand the site of myself in my bathroom mirror. I knew a journey of self-love was going to be a long road, and I wasn’t sure it was a road I would ever find an end to, but I started the journey anyways because I could see others on that road who had found what I was looking for. I surrounded myself with the people on that road, all on different parts of their journeys, but on the same road I was now walking, and those I found on my path showed me love. It was hard to accept at first. I didn’t trust it. And, I still didn’t believe I deserved it. But they loved me anyway, they loved me far before I loved myself. And even when I resisted, or told myself it wasn’t real, they kept loving me, and showed me I was worthy of love, as they all were. I learned to love them for their support, their encouragement, and through their love I slowly learned to love myself. I was shown that no matter what I had done in the past, no matter how ashamed I may have been by my own actions, no matter how disappointed I may have been in myself, I was worthy of love, I was lovable, and, I was love. I was no longer able to push it away, even on those days those negative voices in my head wanted to tell me differently, their love was far greater than my fear of it.

There is love all around us. Much more than we realize. And even more when we’re open to letting it in. We may push it away. Say we don’t have it. But the truth is, it’s there, we just have to let it i, believe we deserve it, and stop pushing it away. Making the decision to allow love in our life is sometimes the first act of love we show ourselves, and sometimes is the biggest act love we can show ourselves. It takes much more effort to push love away than it does to let it in, but once we do that’s when the magic starts to happen, and those dark places within us start to see some light. It may be a little at first, but when we let it in, and we feel it come in, it may just be as smile, a tiny warm spot in the darkness were we lived, but if we focus on the light, that warmth, it will grow, it will get warmer, brighter, and it will start to feel like home.

Let go of what stands in your way of love and let it in, even if you think you don’t deserve it, let it in anyways and learn to trust that you are worthy of it. If we just stop pushing it away, we may just realize that it’s there and through the love of others, we may also find a way to love ourselves, and there is no greater gift than that of self-love. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you see all the love in your life? Do you let it in? Do you believe you are worthy of love? If not, why not? Do you push love away? Why do you do this? What in your past has caused you to do this? Are those reasons valid today, or part of the old you, the story of your past that is no longer valid, or, you can choose to no longer make valid. Does love scare you? Why? Do you have love for yourself? If not, why not? Write down 3 things, SLAYER, that you can find love in yourself. Find 3. Did you have love for yourself in the past? If yes, what happened, how did you lose that love for yourself? You can get it back SLAYER. And, if you’ve never had it, you can find it. Look for the love in your life. Find people, like yourself who are also seeking love, look for those who have found it, who will support you on your journey to find love, let their love fill you up until you can find your own. Allow love in your life and tell yourself you are worthy of love. I know you can SLAYER, if I can, you can, and, I already love you, so use my love to start your journey. I will see you there. I love you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Stand tall in who you are, share your true self, and look for those who appreciate you, just as you are.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Gift (1)