I find myself in a place I’ve never been. A place I don’t think I thought I would ever be in. A place that is new, where I am vulnerable, and I’ve been, and am vulnerable, but this is a new kind of vulnerability, a good kind, a sweet kind, a kind I should be, and am blessed to be experiencing, and yet I find that I get scared in this place. That in itself surprises me. I have walked this road for almost 13 years now, and I’ve learned that my vulnerability is one of my strengths, but what I’ve learned, in this place that I am, is that there is still a part of me that doesn’t believe I am worthy of this kind of love. No one is more surprised by this than I am. My whole being is about self-love, receiving love, and sharing love with others, so now, in this place of ultimate love, how I can I be so scared? How can I still have this doubt deep inside that I’m not worthy of someone else’s love?
When I first realized that that is what my fear was based in, it made me sad. It saddened me to think that there was still a part of myself that didn’t believe, and that that part of me that had been laying dormant, silent, while the rest of me celebrated myself and the love I did have in my life, but this love is different. This love is true. Not that the other love in my life isn’t, or wasn’t, but this is a kind of love I’ve never known, one that I had seen, in other people, or in the movies, but never really believed was real or could happen to me. But here it is. And here I stand, scared of what that kind of love means. It seems silly to me when I think about it, that fear, but it’s there, and very real, and then that sadness rolls like low fog telling me I don’t get to have this kind of love. But I do, and I am, but that part of me that is sick, the disease, is trying to make one last stand to get in the way of me and my happiness, and all of the work I’ve done that had led me here.
So what now? Well, I know I have to walk through this fear. I know it’s not real and I know it’s based on the stories I used to tell myself. I do deserve to be happy. I do deserve to be loved. I do deserve to have this kind of love in my life, and I know I can have it, I do have it. I have to conquer my fears, and tell those voices that they’re wrong, they’re lying to me, they’re not going to win. For some reason it feels like it used to when I had to fight, it’s brought up those feelings of doubt, but I know I have it in me, I know the truth, and I deserve to walk away beating my fears to something really wonderful, and I will. I guess, in my my commitment to always be honest with all of you, I had to say all of that out loud, to share it with you all so that it would lose some power over me, and to know that all of you SLAYERS are standing by my side with your torches ablaze as I walk through my fears.
If you find yourself in fear, or feeling not worthy of love, walk with me, because you do, and are, let us stand together and move forward through our fears to the love that is waiting for us, that is ours. Stop listening to those voices or old stories that tell us we don’t get to have it, we do, and are meant to. Focus on the love in your life and see the love all around you, the love you receive and the love you give, know that you are worthy of all of it, and that there is much more love out there waiting for you. Tear down the darkness of your fears and let the light of love in, even if you’re afraid to let it, it is in the light of love that our true spirit shines, and we fully become who we are meant to be. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel worthy of love? If not, why not? Why do you think you don’t feel worthy? Is it because of things that have happened in your past, or things you were told? Are these things valid today? Are they true? Or are they just stories or experiences from our past from before you became the person you are today? Let go of the past SLAYER, focus on who you are and what you need. Let love in, and don’t listen to those negative voices that tell you you don’t deserve love, they don’t speak the truth, and only you can silence them by showing them just how much love you are capable of having. Let your light shine.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
State Of Slay™ 
Carrie,
You know how some people are always jumping into new relationships without seemingly any fear or worry of the outcome? They always have those sweet little quips about ‘it’s better to have loved and lost’ or ‘taking a leap of faith might lead to your forever’ or ‘this time, it’ll work, for sure’…
All those sayings and bumper sticker quotes always seemed like permission to ignore the very worst impulse control issues. It seems to smack of the desperation to never, ever be alone with one’s own mind. To constantly search for the distraction of more drama, more problems, more noise, instead of just being quiet and still and doing the work we need to do to be healthy.
You did that for a while, too. Distracted yourself with people and things. Hurt yourself, made yourself cry. Hated you. (God, I wish I’d been able to tell how much I love you, back then!)
But then, you did the work. You stood on that precipice, overlooking your own death looming in the distance, and you fought. Then, you flew! Not in a day or two. Not even in a year. It took time to become the you, you see in the mirror today. The you that helps the rest of us heal. You, that volunteers to be the polishing rock the rest of us can bang into when we need a good shine.
You deserve all the love that comes your way, Carrie, and I have proof. You know you deserve to be loved wholly and completely, based on the very simple fact that, you know I deserve to be loved wholly and completely. Even if I don’t always remember that, you do, and you tell me often.
I know you’re wary, maybe even afraid, but you’re just gonna have to be afraid, and do it anyway. Because you deserve it. Congratulations. 🙂
“And I do think, if love was waiting somewhere for me, well, I’d run to it just swiftly as the wind.” ~ Aunt T, “The Bewitchin’ Pool”
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OK, it took me a while to get through this as I kept crying, this post should have come with a Kleenex warning!
Thank you so much for your beautiful words. We all deserve love and to be loved, and this has brought to light that I have a little more work to do in that area, but I will do it, because what I have is worth the work and walking through my fears.
Much love to you my SLAY sister!
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You are the most worthy of love! You’re a wonderful, wise, wild woman and your soul shines bright! Keep SLAYing sister, keep being loved and keep being you.
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As does yours Emma, we all find each other because of our light, and we all shine brighter together. SLAY on!
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