feelings

Upside-Down Personality Right-Side Up

I always felt different from everyone else. As far back as I can remember, sitting in school, or standing in the playground, everyone else seemed to have an easier time than I did, or so it seemed, to me. I always had friends, but I had to work at it, it wasn’t something that came easily to me. I would overthink things, try to plan out what I was going to say, worry about what others were thinking about me, and trying to anticipate who everyone else wanted me to be. I always felt like my thinking, my humor, who I was was upside-down.

I managed to get by for a long time pretending I was like you. But eventually all that pretending caught up to me, and I tried to use things to stuff down the anxiety and uncomfortably I felt in my day-to-day life. I thought maybe it was something I would grow out of, but I never did. And as I finished school and started my career that anxiety got worse, so I did whatever I could to suffocate it with whatever I could, to appear normal. Eventually what I was doing to get by stopped working and the anxiety ramped up even more to the point where it became unbearable. I found myself in my mid-30’s not really knowing who I was but not liking who I thought myself to be. If I thought I was upside-down in the past, I was now really upside-down then.

I was fortunate that someone came into my life at that time who had felt the way I had. But, he no longer felt that way. I was intrigued. Was there a way to turn my upside-side personality right-side up? He told me there was, because he had done it. It had never occurred to me that I could, I thought I would just have to find a way to live the way I had been, even though I knew I couldn’t go on living that way. I was desperate enough to try something new and so I set out on this path I now walk on.

The key to finding my right-side-up personality was with self-love, but I also a heavy dose of forgiveness. Some things were easier to forgive than others, but the more I was able to see that the way I felt wasn’t always because of my own actions, that I had a mental illness that got in the way of me living and learning like most people, and because of that I did not have the tools I needed to live a healthy and happy life. Even that took some acceptance, even though it made sense to me and I was identifying with the symptoms and actions of my illness, I had to get over the stigma of being labeled with one, but once I was able to accept that, I wanted to gather as many tools as I could, because I knew I had to get to work, and I knew if I did, I could get better. I realized that how I had felt as a child was not my fault, there was something else going on that I couldn’t have understood, and that I did the best I could with the information I had. Did I go on a spree of self-destruction later in adulthood, yes, but again, I had a disease I didn’t know I had and without the proper information I just reached for what I could to quiet it down.

Today I know the difference. I know who I am, and I love who I am, flaws and all…remember those aren’t really flaws they are what make us flawsome. But I’ve done enough work to know what I’m dealing with today, that doesn’t make every day easy, but it makes it manageable, and if it doesn’t feel manageable, I have places to go to hit the reset button, and people I can talk to walk me through it. I’ve also learned that some of my personality is a little upside-down, but today I embrace those upside-down parts, it’s what makes me me, as long as I make sure that most of me is right-side up, I know I’ll be OK. And you know what, you will be too. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel different from those around you? How so? Do you think that what makes you different makes is wrong? Why? Who says they’re wrong? Do they hurt you? Do they hurt others? What parts of you would you like to change? How can you? Why would you like to change those things? Is there someone or a group of people who can help you do that? Have you reached out to them in the past? If not, why haven’t you? If you have, why didn’t you continue to do the work? Is there something you’re afraid of? Does feeling better scare you? Why? SLAYER, you have the power to change, and that’s pretty powerful, I know because I’ve done it. Seek out those who can help you make the changes you want to see in yourself. Love yourself through those changes and find forgiveness in the past when you didn’t know the difference, and love yourself for knowing what you do today.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Worthy Of Love

I find myself in a place I’ve never been. A place I don’t think I thought I would ever be in. A place that is new, where I am vulnerable, and I’ve been, and am vulnerable, but this is a new kind of vulnerability, a good kind, a sweet kind, a kind I should be, and am blessed to be experiencing, and yet I find that I get scared in this place. That in itself surprises me. I have walked this road for almost 13 years now, and I’ve learned that my vulnerability is one of my strengths, but what I’ve learned, in this place that I am, is that there is still a part of me that doesn’t believe I am worthy of this kind of love. No one is more surprised by this than I am. My whole being is about self-love, receiving love, and sharing love with others, so now, in this place of ultimate love, how I can I be so scared? How can I still have this doubt deep inside that I’m not worthy of someone else’s love?

When I first realized that that is what my fear was based in, it made me sad. It saddened me to think that there was still a part of myself that didn’t believe, and that that part of me that had been laying dormant, silent, while the rest of me celebrated myself and the love I did have in my life, but this love is different. This love is true. Not that the other love in my life isn’t, or wasn’t, but this is a kind of love I’ve never known, one that I had seen, in other people, or in the movies, but never really believed was real or could happen to me. But here it is. And here I stand, scared of what that kind of love means. It seems silly to me when I think about it, that fear, but it’s there, and very real, and then that sadness rolls like low fog telling me I don’t get to have this kind of love. But I do, and I am, but that part of me that is sick, the disease, is trying to make one last stand to get in the way of me and my happiness, and all of the work I’ve done that had led me here.

So what now? Well, I know I have to walk through this fear. I know it’s not real and I know it’s based on the stories I used to tell myself. I do deserve to be happy. I do deserve to be loved. I do deserve to have this kind of love in my life, and I know I can have it, I do have it. I have to conquer my fears, and tell those voices that they’re wrong, they’re lying to me, they’re not going to win. For some reason it feels like it used to when I had to fight, it’s brought up those feelings of doubt, but I know I have it in me, I know the truth, and I deserve to walk away beating my fears to something really wonderful, and I will. I guess, in my my commitment to always be honest with all of you, I had to say all of that out loud, to share it with you all so that it would lose some power over me, and to know that all of you SLAYERS are standing by my side with your torches ablaze as I walk through my fears.

If you find yourself in fear, or feeling not worthy of love, walk with me, because you do, and are, let us stand together and move forward through our fears to the love that is waiting for us, that is ours. Stop listening to those voices or old stories that tell us we don’t get to have it, we do, and are meant to. Focus on the love in your life and see the love all around you, the love you receive and the love you give, know that you are worthy of all of it, and that there is much more love out there waiting for you. Tear down the darkness of your fears and let the light of love in, even if you’re afraid to let it, it is in the light of love that our true spirit shines, and we fully become who we are meant to be. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel worthy of love? If not, why not? Why do you think you don’t feel worthy? Is it because of things that have happened in your past, or things you were told? Are these things valid today? Are they true? Or are they just stories or experiences from our past from before you became the person you are today? Let go of the past SLAYER, focus on who you are and what you need. Let love in, and don’t listen to those negative voices that tell you you don’t deserve love, they don’t speak the truth, and only you can silence them by showing them just how much love you are capable of having. Let your light shine.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Truth never fails in proverbs, but in judgments. Be true to who you are, and accountable to your truth.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Judge

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Feelings are like waves, they come and go, and you get decide which ones to surf.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Peace

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Inferior

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You can close your eyes to things you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to things you don’t want to feel.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Real

 

Pain Is Inevitable, Misery Is A Choice

I talk a lot about letting things go and acceptance here at State Of Slay, I also talk about being accountable for your actions. Inevitably we will experience pain in our lives. Life does it dance and sometimes we fall and skin our knee. But it’s up to us whether we get back up again or remain on the ground focusing on the pain of what has happened. We have a lot more power than we think we do when we get knocked down. We may not be able to stop the blow, but we can determine how we move on from there. Or, if we move on. Sometimes we get stuck in that place of hurt, of being a victim, or because we think we belong there. We don’t. You always have the power to stop the misery that comes from the initial pain, and you definitely have the power from preventing it again.

Life teaches us things, or it’s meant to, if we are quick learners we only have to go through it once before we make a change to stop it from happening again, but there are many of us, myself included, who may need several times at bat before finally hitting that home run and moving on. I used to sit in my misery not knowing how to get out of it. I would harbor resentments for those involved, and myself for letting myself get or stay there, and just stay stuck, not knowing how to get out from under the pile of hurt I was finding myself in, and many times, not wanting to get out because staying in that place was a way to punish myself. We are not meant to stay in the place. We are meant to move on, to learn, make peace with what was done, make peace with our part, because yes, as I mention a lot, we typically have one, and move on. Let it go. Now, some things are easier to let go of than others, most of the time the ones that aren’t easy are the ones that are triggering something from our past. Something we haven’t dealt with or have been able to find peace around. This may have been the reason the pain happened in the first place, as a red flag that you are meant to deal with an issue from the past. When I hurt, I always ask myself, is this because of what has happened in the present, or is this something bubbling up from my past I still need to work on letting go? A lot of the time our feelings are tethered to experiences and feelings from our past, things we’ve buried deep, or refuse to let go of. Those will keep popping up in our present lives, often reeking havoc on relationships we have today. As I always say, what is the root of the matter? Where does it stem from? There are usually answers there, and ultimately a solution.

Finding the answers to those questions will usually help you to move on faster, to let your pain go, or to at least give it the amount of weight it deserves, without piling on more for optimum effect. I always go back to, what are the facts? The facts don’t lie. Our feelings can trick us, they often have far-reaching tentacles that reach far back in our lives, and can skew the truth of what the matter really is, but if we focus on the facts, they will usually point us in the right direction. Once we have the facts we can usually expedite a solution to let it go, much faster than when our feelings get into the mix. But our feelings can indicate what’s really going on. So don’t count them out entirely, just don’t use them as a barometer of what actually happened.

Acceptance is the key to most of our problems when we are feeling disturbed or hurt. Learn from what happened, make a note of what you could have done better, or what you learned, and let it go. If you choose to hang on, you’re only torturing yourself and causing yourself unnecessary pain, set yourself free and make a commitment to yourself to do better next time. After all, it’s pain that helps us grow the most, so look at it as just that, growth, and turn a seemingly negative experience into something you can use for the good. That’s how we do it SLAYER! SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: When you experience pain or get hurt do you sit in that hurt or work to move on? If you sit in it, why do you do that? How does that help you? How does that hurt you? What can you do to move on? What holds you back from doing so? How can you overcome that? Holding on to past hurt doesn’t serve you, it only holds you back, learn from the past and use that to make better choices moving forward. No one gets it right all the time, we are here to learn, so look for the lesson, and humbling look at your own actions, and let it go. You have the power to stop your own misery today, right now.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Just Part Of The Passing Parade

I used to engage with everything that I came my way. I would get into pointless arguments, make sure my opinion was known, explain to someone the ‘right’ way to do something, basically insert myself into each situation that crossed my path. I felt I had to. It was what was right. What I didn’t realize until I got healthier was that the reasons I was doing it was to feed my sickness, whether to make myself superior, to feel anger, to prove that all people were ‘idiots’ so I didn’t feel so bad when I lied to them, manipulated them, or even stole from them. I was never engaging with anyone to be helpful, or to be of service, well, if I was it was to get something in return. But most of the time it was to feed my ego because I felt less-than. Those little altercations where like a hit of a drug, for a moment, right after, I would get a high…and then it would wear off and I’d go looking for the next hit. It wasn’t until I made a commitment to let go of those old behaviors that I realized what those behaviors where doing to me.

Everyday we cross paths with a lot of people. And we cross paths with them for many different reasons. Nothing happens by chance. And there are those out there that seek out trouble, they were like me, and they’re looking for a fight, or a moment to feel better than whomever they encounter. I know now that they are just part of the passing parade. I don’t have to engage with each float, clown, and marching band that comes my way. I can stay on the sidewalk and just watch them go by. Because today I have nothing to prove. Today my mental health is what is my priority, and engaging with the passing parade is not good for my mind. Sure, if someone needs help I will jump in to be of service, and I will initiate a conversation with someone to hopefully brighten their day, but the rest of those hooligans, they can keep marching on by. Don’t get my wrong, sometimes it is tempting, they always make it look so enticing, and, on a bad day, I may even start to dip my toe in those murky waters, but it never feels good, I don’t get that hit or high anymore like I did, if I do, it’s very fast, and the awful feelings are quick to rush in and wash that high away. And, I’m glad they do, I’ve worked very hard to find my serenity, or peace of mind, because where I came from was so far off from that place, so far, I didn’t even know it was possible to find it. But trust me, it is. Just stay off that parade route.

I also use the parade analogy for the thoughts in my head. That negative self-talk, or bullshit committee as I like to call them, love to chime in, especially when I’m in H.A.L.T., hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, boy their voices get loud, but instead of engaging with them, I let them pass, sometimes I’ll even catch myself saying, “thank you for sharing, but you can take that someplace else.” Because the truth is, they are like a passing parade, they will just pass by if you let them, they might try to come back, but as long as you don’t acknowledge them, they keep walking.

As we navigate through each day, we have a choice, we can do what’s best for our own peace of mind, or we can try to win every battle that comes our way that we actually can’t win. Because we lose each time we engage in something we are not meant to be engaging with. Each of those battles chips away at our self-love, and it keeps us in a cycle of being sick. When we are well, loving and honoring ourselves, we don’t feel the need to engage with the passing parade, we notice it, and then let it pass on by, so if that parade passing in front of you is too hard to let go, that’s a sign of some work to be done SLAYER, and time to put on that investigative hat and find out why you feel so compelled to fight a battle you cannot win, a battle that is really with yourself, and not the people in that parade, because the only battle you can win, is the battle that goes on within yourself, and once you know the facts of why you feel you need to go to battle, you’ve found your armor, and that armor will protect you from anything that crosses your path. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel compelled to interact with anyone and everyone that crosses your path? Why? What if you didn’t? What do you think will happen? Do you get caught up in other people’s drama, and fights, at the detriment of your own mental health? Why do you think you do this? When you feel compelled to do this, are these times when you may be in H.A.L.T.? Are you looking to make yourself feel better? Are you looking to make yourself feel bad? What are you looking for? Why do you think you’re looking for it? What if you stopped? What if you didn’t engage with these people? What if you took a deep breath and walked away. Took your power back and did what was right for you. Noticed when these fights were fights that cannot be won, or, the expense was too great to your own person. What if you chose to not get involved unless it directly affected you? What if you chose to look for ways to give back and be of service instead of engaging with those who only want to inflict pain, or put you down? Why don’t you do that SLAYER. Let the passing parade go by and focus on those people who may need your help, need a hand, or just might need a smile. You’ll see how that affects those distractions that pass you by, they become much less distracting, and much more of just some noise in the distance.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Anger is the emotion we choose when we’re trying to avoid less comfortable feelings.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Anger

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Don’t like the way you feel, how do you want to feel? Think about that feeling until you feel it, then, take action to make that feeling your reality.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Happiness 3