Good morning SLAYER! Happiness and success depend on the child that you still carry within.
New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!
acceptance
Would Little You Be Proud Of You Today
When I was little girl I used to dream about what I thought my life would be like. Now, it was things that I thought were what I should be dreaming about, and back then, that little ol’ me, didn’t know that what would make me most proud had nothing to do with “things,” but the person I could become and the ways I could share that with others. As I got older I started to feel disappointed in myself, in my eyes, I could never do things good enough or how I had imagined them in my head, I always fell short, and as I continued into adolescence, that disappointment turned to hate. I hated myself and started a very long journey of pretending to be who you wanted me to be, or who I thought you wanted me to be, to hide who I really was. I thought, if you knew the real me, you would hate me as much as I did, and as much as I would have told you back then that I didn’t care, I did care, because it was one thing for me to hate myself, but if you all did too, I didn’t think I could survive that. As a result, most of my actions were a result of the fear of that, and most of my actions abused that little girl full of dreams inside of me.
It wasn’t until I made a commitment to get better, many years later, that I started to think about that little me, and recognized that she was still in there and I had done a horrible job protecting and loving her. She was really beat up, that girl, and feeling small, and so part of my job in getting well was to show her the love I had neglected to give her most of my life, and to protect her, show her it was safe, and show her that I was not only able to love her, but love myself. It helped, on those difficult days, to think of her, that little me, sitting alone feeling vulnerable, I could see her there, so when I was battling those negative voices in my head that told me I wasn’t worth fighting for, I would say, maybe not, but she is and I’m going to fight for her.
As I got better she was less shy about coming out, she learned to trust me and when I would celebrate a milestone or overcome something that used to defeat me, she was always there to celebrate and cheer me on. And as I got more confident so did she, until we started working together and learning to love who we were. There are times on this journey that I have let her down, even hurt her, but the work I’ve done allows me to go back and find her and make things right.
My life has changed a lot over the past six months. I have a lot things in my life that I wasn’t sure I would ever have. Things that you can’t buy or easily find just because you want them because they come when you’re ready for them, when you are able to share your best self and honor who you are. I was reflecting on all the good in my life today and I thought about the little me inside of myself, and tears came to my eyes as I saw her smile and felt that she was proud of me, that this was the place she used to imagine and hope for, not only in terms of where I find myself in my life, but where I find myself, in place of self-love and acceptance. It’s been a long rocky road to get to this place, and I know, no matter where the journey goes from here, that if who I am and what I’m doing doesn’t make that little me proud, then I’m on the wrong path. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think about the little you that’s inside of yourself? When you think of that person, what do you feel? Do you think that little you is proud of you today? If yes, why? If not, why? If you don’t think they are, what can you do to make them proud? To show them love? To let them know they’re safe? When you were that little person, what did you hope for for the future? Have those hopes and dreams materialized? If not, how can you work to get those things into your life? Find some time to check in with your little self and see if there is something you can do to make them proud today.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! As dark as things might be, you never know how bright the light is that is waiting for you if you just hold on.
New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!
Hold On For The Good
Today is the 9 year anniversary of the night I should have died. I’ve written about that night in a blog entitled “A Power Greater Than Myself,” it was a night I should not have survived, and a night, back then, where a part of me wished I hadn’t. I had struggled with depression for most of my life, and that coupled with mental illness, there were many nights, years even, where I could only see the darkness in my life and didn’t actually believe there was good waiting for me, and if by some miracle something good did come, I believed it would be taken away. I’ve spent many years working on my own self-love, working on acceptance and working to live my life in the light, I no longer wish to die, and today, 9 years removed from that very dark and scary night, I am living the happiest days of my life.
When I sat on that beach that night, feeling alone and afraid, like death was closing in, I never could have imaged this place I am in right now. I was certain I was going to die on that beach, and my last memory of that night was me surrendering to the fact that I was not going to see another day. But the universe, God, whatever your belief or name you prefer, had other plans and knew where I was meant to be, one day, and so by some sort of miracle I was saved and survived insurmountable odds to find myself right here, right now.
The last seven days have been ones of great love, of a lot of laughter, of companionship, caring, and support. My life has changed tremendously, I became a Mommy to an adorable little pup, and became someone’s fiance, two things I would have missed out on if I had died today 9 years ago. Life has a plan for all of us, and even on those days that seem our darkest, or impossible to survive, if we let go, get out of our own way, and ask for guidance we can walk out of anything. I spent so many nights hoping I wouldn’t wake up in the morning, and thinking of that today it makes me sad, because today I look forward to start of each day, to walk this path with someone who loves me, who makes me laugh and brings so much light in my life. I am extremely grateful that I didn’t miss this time in my life, that something, or someone, knew better and kept me here when there were so many times I wanted to check out.
My point for sharing this today is to show my gratitude, but to also send out a beacon of hope to those who may be in the dark. There is a way out, and there may just be something really wonderful waiting for you that you can’t even imagine yet. Always keep fighting, even when things seem like they might not be worth fighting for, trust me, they are, and you’ll have no idea if you give up and stop fighting. When I was in my darkest days, I never could have imagined the life I have today, but there was a plan, and getting through those dark days inspired me to write this blog, and to give back in the many ways I am of service today, and coming to terms with the demons of my past has allowed me to find self-love and acceptance, and has allowed me to share my true self with someone I love, so even if things look to be at their darkest, hold on for the good, you have no idea what may be waiting for you. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel that there is good in your future? If not, why not? If you do, how do you know? What do you put your faith in? Have you overcome darkness to now see the light? What did you learn from that experience? Don’t let the darkness you may be living in tell you it will always be there, or that it is the only future for you, keep fighting because your brightest days just may be right around the corner.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
If You Don’t Accept It, What Else Are You Going To Do?
When I first stepped on this path I was told that acceptance was the key to all my problems. Well, that’s going to be a problem I thought. How was I going to find acceptance to everything I labeled a problem in my life? I was one stubborn gal back then, I would fight even when I knew I was wrong, so finding acceptance seemed like a tall order, there had to be some other solution where I didn’t have to accept the things I didn’t want to. Well, there wasn’t. It turns out those who had walked before knew what they were talking about. Now, don’t get my wrong, acceptance isn’t about turning over and letting everyone walk over you, but it’s about letting go of the things you can’t change, or have no control over. I know, that still seems like a lot to ask, but it can be done, you’ll have to trust that coming from this reformed stubborn gal.
The reality is, acceptance is the easier of the two options, I know you’re thinking hell no it’s not, but really it is, because when you really break it down, if you don’t accept the things you cannot change you end up spending a lot of useless energy holding resentments or anger towards something that isn’t going to budge just because you won’t accept it. When I think back I wasted so much energy not accepting things. I let it sidetrack me. Distract me. Keep me from being productive and keep me from moving forward. And that was my big revelation when I was finally able to find acceptance, I realized that my inability to accept kept me living in the past, and I was the one holding myself there.
Breaking things down into what I can change and what I cannot keeps things simple for me, especially when I find I am pushing back with some resistance. Also, accepting whatever had happened in the past, that was a big category to start with, but none of us can change the past, so I had to accept it, or find a way, because the alternative was literally killing me. It also helped me to think of those things, in the past, as learning experiences, situations that I could now use to teach me moving forward, and that allowed me to look at those things as positive experiences, even though they may have hurt or been frustrating, or downright infuriating, I could make the choice to look at them as lessons for the future, and when I was able to do that I was able to find acceptance around them.
Really, in a lot of cases, we don’t have much of a choice except to accept. Well, we do have a choice, but the other choice is one were by not accepting things we continually hurt ourselves over something that has already happened. We hold the key to setting ourselves free, that key is acceptance and the trick to unlock the door is humility. When we can set our ego aside or our need to be right, we can find the road to acceptance, and that road is one with fast lane to our own peace of mind and happiness. Vroom vroom SLAYER!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have a hard to finding acceptance around things you cannot change? Why is that? What holds you back? What have you not been able to find acceptance around in your life? How has that held you back? How has it gotten in the way of relationships in your life? How can you find a way to accept that situation? How can you work on finding acceptance in your life moving forward? What are the hardest things for you to accept? What are the easiest? What makes the hard ones so hard? Work to find acceptance in your life and cut the cord with your past and those things you cannot change, your life will thank you for it!
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! You can only accept mistakes and flaws in others to the degree that you accept your own.
New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!
Believing In Yourself May Be One Of The Most Daring Things You Can Do
Believing in myself wasn’t something that came easy for me. I spent most of myself doubting my abilities, talent and worth. I may have started the day, or even a task or goal, with all the intention in the world of believing I could do it, and not just do it, excel at it, only to let the voices in my head talk me down and tell me I wasn’t good enough to get it done. And then would begin the vicious circle of beating myself up for not doing something to my ability or being to afraid to let myself shine as I knew I could. I would then slip into a depression believing I would never get what I want or achieve my goals because I was too afraid to reach for them or I wasn’t good enough to get it. It would take days, weeks, sometimes months to work up the courage to get back out there and try again, and sometimes I would find the success I was looking for, but even when I did I would label it as luck, not really believing I deserved it and would then worry it would be taken away. That fear, that disbelief in myself only grew stronger as I got older, and my disease grew along with me, it was harder to overcome, even paralyzing at times where I would freeze not able to do anything because of the overwhelming fear of failure.
When I made the decision to seek out help, when I found the courage to admit I was in trouble and was willing to make changes in my life to live a healthier and happier life, I did hear those same voices telling me it wouldn’t work, or I would fail, but this time it wasn’t just something I wanted, this was my life that was on the line, and walking through that fear of failure was necessary for my own survival, so I just started to walk.
I learned as I began my journey on uncharted waters to trust myself, to trust that I was being guided to where I was meant to be, and that there was a reason why things were happening in my life, good, bad or otherwise. Looking back, yes, I had let many opportunities pass me by, and even though those missed opportunities frustrated me, or made me angry for letting them go, they helped me learn acceptance, no matter how I felt, I couldn’t change the past, so I had to take what I could learn from it and let it go. And, remembering how I felt about those missed opportunities, I would not let myself miss those opportunities from now on so I didn’t have to feel like that again. That was something I had control over, doing the best I could and then letting the results go, because if I had done my best, that’s all I could have done, and can ever do, the rest isn’t up to me, and once I did that I was able to find love in myself, even in who I had been because she didn’t know better, I was able to start believing in my own self-worth. That seemed impossible when I started this journey, but it slowly came as I continued to forgive myself for my past and began making loving decisions for myself each day.
When we don’t believe in ourselves we make it almost impossible for us to succeed. We need to believe. We need to believe we are worth it, we are capable of it, and we need to believe we deserve the good we seek out. That may seem like a tall order, but it can be done, you’re reading the words of a believer right now, one that used to not believe so much she got in her own way most of the time. Find the love within yourself to believe, find the forgiveness to let go of mistakes from the past, and find the life you truly deserve, dare yourself to believe. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you believe in yourself? If not, why not? Does this come from actions or decisions in your past? Does this come from what you’ve been told by others? How do you stand in your own way? Why do you do this? Why do you think it’s OK? Give an example of something you didn’t accomplish or get because you didn’t believe in yourself. How did you feel after? You have the power to change that SLAYER. You are capable of anything you decide to do, you just have to believe you can and set out to do it. Anything is possible if you think you can. Start by learning to love who you are, and honoring that person, learning to trust what you want and look for opportunities to go get it. You can have those things you dream about, with some work, and, a belief that you can.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! The bad part about being so numb is that when the time comes that you want to feel again, you might not remember how.
New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! The person who tries to keep everyone happy often ends up the loneliest, focus on making yourself happy, and loving who you are.
New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!
Don’t Let Your Mind Bully Your Body
No matter who we are, what we look like, or how much we take care of ourselves, there are always things about our bodies we don’t like. And for some, things we hate. Even typing the word hate when talking about body image makes my whole body recoil. I used to hate my body. It never looked the way I thought it should. I realize now, those expectations I had were unrealistic, and those women who I compared myself to, on TV or in magazines, likely didn’t look that either, I know because I work in a profession where there are many paid professionals to make us look our best, and better than we look in life. But I can still fall into the trap of comparing myself to others. What is it about our brains that tell us our bodies aren’t good enough?
This goes back to my favorite topic self-love, something that I know may make a lot of you take a step back, and it also goes to acceptance. We’ve all been made in different shapes and sizes. And all of those shapes and sizes are beautiful, and all have traits and features that others don’t have. We tend to always be drawn to what we don’t have. But what if we focused on what we do have? And how we can make the most of what we have and showcase our assets in the best way?
I used to place the utmost importance on being thin, no matter what the cost. That obsession manifested itself in an eating disorder, and even at my lowest weight, it still wasn’t good enough. For me, now, it’s about being healthy and happy. I do eat well, I watch what I eat, I exercise, but I’ll also allow myself a piece of chocolate cake, it’s not something I eat every day, but every now and again, when I come across one particularly enticing, I indulge, and enjoy that. It no longer makes me feel guilty if I eat that cake, and I no longer punish myself for it like I used to. It’s about moderation today and enjoying life.
I used to use food as a reward or a way to punish myself. I would reward myself for something I had done with food I loved, but maybe deprived myself of, and I would also use it to punish myself when I wanted to feel bad about myself and I would eat things that would make me feel sick, or overeat for the same result. Neither of these actions are healthy eating, or way of finding a healthy body image. We should love the body we’re in, it allows us to do a lot of things, maybe not all the things we would like, but it gets us around, it brings us to the ones we love, it protects us from harm, so why don’t we protect and love it for doing all that it does for us? Why can’t we accept it for what it is?
No matter what your body looks like there is always something beautiful about it. Whether you’re athletic, or curvy, tall or short, there is something to celebrate, something that you can make your own, and own it! Find those parts of your body, or things your body enables you to do, and be grateful for all that your body does, and find things about your body to love. There is nothing more beautiful than self-confidence, so be proud SLAYER of the body you’re in and show it some love as you continue to use it to walk this journey and this path. You are beautiful, just as you are. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you like your body? If yes, what do you love? If not, why not? What don’t you like? Why? Are those things something you can change or work on? Have you worked on them? If not, why not? Are there things you’ve always struggled with in terms of body image? What specifically? Why do you think that is? Are these current reasons or stories from your past? SLAYER, you’re body may not always look exactly how you would like, but if you are taking care of yourself and loving yourself you can feel confident in how you look. We’re not all meant to look the same. We are meant to be healthy and happy, and when that priority is put before body image, you may be surprised how beautiful you find your body, and how grateful you are to have the body you’re in.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
