Self Help

Intentions: The Truthseeker

Oh yeah, there’s no hiding from this one. Intentions. Just as important as it is to know someone else’s intentions it is also important to know our own, and to own it! Before stepping foot on this journey my intentions were always self seeking, they were, looking back it was always all about me because I was the victim, I was the one wronged who was owed something from life, and even though I would twist my intentions in my mind and always have a favorable answer to make myself look better, the truth of the matter was, my intentions were always self motivated, whether to try to manipulate the outcome or to tear someone else down to make myself look and feel better. Yup. Pretty huh? But, that’s the honest truth. The good news is I’m not that person anymore, and neither or you. When we decided to walk on a path of self love and living as our authentic selves we left our old selves behind, and even though they may run up behind us sometimes wanting in on the action, and sometimes might even get in on the action, we now have the power to tell them to take off, we don’t need them anymore, and quite frankly, they’re dimming our light!

Intentions can be tricky, especially when the heart or ego get involved, we may tell ourselves we have the best of intentions but we have to look at the cold hard facts. I’ve mentioned before that feelings aren’t facts, feelings like to come in and muddy up our thinking, and they’re really convincing at times and talk a good game, but what we need to do is ask them to step aside, they’ll probably get their feelings hurt, they’re feelings, that’s what they do, but what we need to to do is look at the facts of the situation. Whenever we are in doubt, we need to ask ourselves, what are my intentions in wanting to do this, or for doing it? If they are self-seeking, manipulative, or damaging to us or anyone else, stop, do not proceed, step back and take a breath. You should not be doing what you are doing. If you are doing something only to get a response, stop. Do not proceed. Step back and take a breath. You should not be doing what you are doing. For example, if you are telling someone you love them just because you want or expect them to say it back, your intentions are off, you should only be telling someone you love them because, well you love them, and you want them to know it, regardless of how it’s received or if it’s returned or not. Those are the right intentions. On this path we should only be doing things we want to do, because we want to do them, OK, there are some things we don’t want to do, taxes being one of them, but that’s something we are required to do by law, so do that, but I’m talking about the choices we make every day to engage with other people, who we engage with, what we decide to get involved with, those acts, acts of “charity,” friendship, love, encouragement, etc, all of those things that can be disguised as good things, but can have ulterior motives. Be honest with yourself. Why do you want to do those things? Why do you want to get involved with that person or group? Why are you volunteering? If your intent is because you want to do it and not because of the result or how you could benefit, then you have the right intention. Anything else, abandon ship. Living as our authentic selves we want to keep “our side of the street clean,” to be honest and transparent with those people in our lives, it’s how we cultivate trust, and if we can trust ourselves with our intentions, we can start to trust others, and trust that we are also picking the right people and situations in our lives. A part of that, and the second part to intentions, is knowing, or asking what the other persons intentions are. I know, scary right? But, here’s what we’ve already talked about, when we know the facts, we are safe.

If we are clear on someone else’s intentions then we know why the other person is involved with us or the situation, and what they are willing to contribute, and if that isn’t in line with what our intentions are, then a conversation needs to happen, and perhaps, things shouldn’t move forward from there. I, myself, used to get into many awkward, or angry, situations because I would “assume” that everybody had the same intentions that I did, or knew mine, without ever asking or expressing them. As much as we are not mind readers, neither is anyone else. Speak your truth! You may not always hear what you want to hear, but at least you know the truth, then you can make the best decision for yourself. You are safe.

Intentions can be difficult, cunning at times, but if we are honest about why we’re doing something, and have the courage and self respect to ask others what their intentions are, we don’t run the risk of problems or disappointments down the road. We also don’t carry around guilt or are deceiving others about why we are really there. What are your intentions?

SLAY OF THE DAY: Before you agree to do something or take on a new project, do you ask yourself what your intentions are? Are they self-seeking or manipulative? Are you hoping to get something out of it? Are you afraid to ask others what their intentions are? Why? Do you do things to look good to others? Why do you do that? My challenge to you SLAYER, is to do something nice for someone today without them knowing about it, or telling anyone else what you’ve done, if they find out, or you tell it doesn’t count and you have to try again. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good Morning SLAYER! Learning to take care of your own needs is the ultimate expression of self love, when you show yourself respect and honor yourself you are better able to share that love, honor, and respect with others, and it gives you a strong foundation to handle what life throws at you. Self love is like a spell of protection from the outside world, it cushions us from life and all it’s bumps and scrapes, it gives us strength, and it teaches us a gentleness, bringing us a new-found compassion for who we are and honoring were we’ve been.

New blog goes up Friday, until then….SLAY on.

State Of Slay Self Care

Self Care: H.A.L.T.

Self care, I had no idea what that meant before I started this journey. What the heck was self care? Dodging those people I didn’t want to see, or had skipped out on? Sleeping off the night before? Yelling at someone so they would leave me alone and stop asking so many questions? That was my kind of self care before I started to love myself. Every day we wear a lot of hats, and it’s easy to put other people’s needs ahead of our own, and, it is nice to give back or do something for someone else, but we can’t forget to do something nice for ourselves, or even better, make it more than one thing, and a priority.

When I first set out on this path I hated myself, so the thought of being loving and kind to myself was a little tough to swallow, and having lived most of my life pretending to be who I thought you wanted me to be, I didn’t really know what to do to be kind and loving to myself and to give back to myself. Who was I? What did like? But I found as I started walking a path of learning who my authentic self was and learning to love that person I started to figure out what to do to show myself the love and respect that I would want from others, and to nurture the person inside of me who still believed she was less than.

That’s what it really is. It’s showing yourself that you matter, that your needs should also be met, and that with everything that we do every day, we need time to do something nice for ourselves and show ourselves we care, we need to recharge our batteries and put more fuel in the “I love myself” tank. We all run around with these ‘to-do’ lists, but we never seem to put ourselves on that list, we need to make sure, somewhere on that list, we write our own name down and make time to do something nice for ourselves, even on the busiest of days, even if it’s just singing out loud in your car to our favourite song, let your authentic self shine and show yourself love.

As I got more clarity, and found more self-love, I found ways to give back to myself, and I now make it a priority every day, and this also includes the things I’ve talked about before, making sure I’m eating properly, getting enough sleep, doing the things I need to do to give myself the best chance at success for my day, maybe sitting in silence to calm my nerves or thoughts, or reading something that helps me put things in perspective, lighting a candle, it’s about making sure I am doing what I can to put my best foot forward, all of that is also self-care, and self-love. When I find that my mind is racing and I’m feeling overwhelmed that is the first question I ask myself is, how am I doing in the self-care department, am I in H.A.L.T? I’ve mentioned H.A.L.T before, H.A.L.T stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If I am any of those things I’m not in self care, I have neglected to do the things I need to do to face the day with a clear mind and the energy the I need to tackle my day.

Let’s get into H.A.L.T. Hungry, well, that is simple, if I’m hungry I need to eat, no excuses, I need to do it. My head turns to mud when I’m hungry, I can’t make decisions, and I become overly sensitive. Angry, well, I usually get angry at myself for not eating and for not being able to make decisions because I’m hungry, and then I overreact to things and get angry. Lonely, this will pop up if I have been isolating, not reaching out to friends and family and letting them know what’s going on for me, so I’m feeling shut off and distanced from those I love. Tired, did I go to bed early enough, did I get enough rest for the day ahead, if I didn’t, I am grumpy. H.A.L.T. keeps things simple, it’s the basics, but we all have needs we need to take care of to make sure we are giving ourselves the self care we need.

If these simple things are met I am usually pretty good to go through my day, and then adding a little something that’s just for me is a nice way to celebrate myself and let myself know that I’m cared for and loved, you should also do this, because, you are worth it and deserve things in your life that make you feel good, and nourishes that part of you inside who may have felt beat down, discouraged, who may not have had a voice, or had been feeling lost and alone, do it for that person, love that person and treat that person with the care and love they may not have gotten, give it to them now, give it to yourself now, give yourself what you need, give yourself self love, and self care.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you always put everyone else’s needs before yours? Do you take time out of your day just for yourself? If not, why? Do you think you’re worth taking some time for yourself? If not, why? You are SLAYER! Work on building self-care into your days and see how that changes your perspective on yourself, and the world around you. What’s one thing you can do today for your own self care? SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

A Power Greater Than Myself

I should be dead. Well, I probably should be dead a few times over, but in one particular case it was confirmed by medical professionals. Looking back there were many times in my life when something or someone seemed to be looking out for me, probably more than I really know, and until I started on this path I never really believed that I deserved to have anything look out for me, I wasn’t worthy in my eyes, but it’s interesting that, even believing that, when I knew I was in real trouble, and had stopped caring about myself, and what that meant, I reached out and asked for help, to what or whom I did not know, I just screamed out through a stream of tears in my living room, “I can’t do this anymore, I need help, help me!” When I woke up the next morning I literally heard a voice say, “you’re done,” and something just clicked in my head and I thought, “OK,” what that meant to me was I was done living my life the way I had been, lying to everyone and stuffing everything down inside was a big part of it, so I picked up the phone and asked a friend I trusted for help. That started my journey to self-love and healing.

I wouldn’t say I’m a religious person, but I would say I’m spiritual. Over the last 11 years plus years I have formed a relationship of my own understanding that connects me with my spiritually. Sounds pretty elusive I know, when people reach out to me to ask me how I know something out there has my back, I say to them, I have many reasons, there are many times I was saved from something, or myself, but this one in particular is pretty hard to ignore. This is a true story of what happened to me a few years ago, what happened changed me forever, and because of what happened, I am writing State Of Slay.

It was President’s Day, a long weekend. I was in Los Angeles and feeling lost, feeling out of sorts, disconnected. I had been to a wedding at the beach a few days before and had thought to myself, I live in LA and I never to go the beach, when I was a teenager I went often, it settled my nerves, and quieted my mind, I never do that here, I wonder why. So, on this holiday Monday when my nerves needed settling, I decided to set out for the beach, in Malibu. I drove down the winding roads and found a spot to park along the Pacific Coast Highway. I left my cell phone in the car thinking, I don’t need it, I just want to be one with the ocean. I took my car keys and a bottle of water and headed down to the beach, found a quiet spot away from the crowds and took in the waves and sand. I finally found some peace. So much so I hadn’t noticed how long I had been sitting there and that everyone else had gone home.

I got up to start walking back to the car and the beach, the one I had walked on a few hours before, was gone. The tide had come in. I looked up the beach the other way and it was a long way before there was another set of stairs going back to the highway and the sun was rapidly going down. I thought, well, how deep could the water be, I had walked on the sand hours only a few hours before, I’ll just walk through it. All I remember next is thinking two things as I stepped into the water, a) wow, the water is really cold, and b) the current is really strong. The next few things I remember are only quick flashes of memory, some were very clearly hallucinations, but I remember being cold, wet, in pain, and scared.

My next very clear memory is sitting on the beach in the dark, soaking wet, shaking uncontrollably, and not being able to stand up, my limbs had stopped working, my body was shutting down from hypothermia. I sat there looking far down the beach to see the lights of the Santa Monica Pier and the Ferris wheel going around thinking, there are people on that pier having a great night, laughing, having fun, and I’m sitting here dying, alone, in the dark. There was nothing I could do to help myself, I did have flashes of being in the ocean, and of crawling out, my shins each having huge welts from knee to ankle from my skin sliding along the wet sand. I sat there angry, angry at “God,” the universe, whom or whatever! How dare you have me go through everything I have, fight to overcome it just to kill me on a beach alone, F**k you, I thought. I sat in my anger for a while, but I was beat. I looked up at the stars and said, “I surrender, you got me, there’s nothing I can do, I can’t even stand up, I surrender.” At that moment I heard that same voice and it said, “it’s going to be OK,” I didn’t know what that meant exactly, but I felt this wave of calm and peace come over me, and I sat there looking at up the stars thinking I was going to die there alone.

I woke up to bright white lights and suddenly a woman’s face that said “she’s awake!” I thought I was dead. I truly did. There was a lot of activity around me suddenly and a barrage of questions. Who was I? What happened to me? Did I know where I was? I didn’t know any of the answers, including who I was. It was terrifying. I looked down to see I was wearing a wrist band that said “Jane Doe,” I knew that was wrong but I didn’t know what my name was. I was told I was in emergency in Santa Monica, that a man had found me unconscious on the beach in the morning, I had been out in the elements all night, and that he called 911, insisted on travelling in the ambulance with me, had stayed in emergency, but had since left. I was asked who he was, and in that moment I saw a picture, not a memory of him, but a picture of a man and I heard that voice again, it said “angel.” I didn’t know who I was but I knew enough not to blurt that out loud. I said, I didn’t know.

Later when my doctor arrived she had said, well, this is exactly what she said, “well Carrie, if you were a cat you just blew eight lives, I don’t know how you’re alive and here right now.” I had a major concussion, head trauma and severe hypothermia, I was dehydrated, and, had amnesia, I had only remembered my name by the afternoon, I still couldn’t tell them where I was or what year it was, I just didn’t know, and I certainly didn’t know the details of what had happened, I still don’t.

It was determined, by the neurologist, that I must have fallen when I stepped into the water and hit my head on a rock, that I got pulled into the ocean in a state of unconsciousness or semi-unconsciousness, fought my way back to the beach, or just got spit out by the ocean, and had battled the elements all night and into the morning before I was found.

I was told I should have drowned or succumbed to hypothermia, or both, but for some reason I didn’t.

I struggled with that. Why did I survive? It took me a long time to find an answer to that, it took a lot of counselling, journaling, and a lot of meditation.

But the point of this story today is that, when someone asks me why I believe in a power greater than myself I say, I should be dead, but somehow, after being thrown around in the ocean all night, spit out onto the sand, and someone I don’t know, and will ever know, found me and made sure I was safe, how can I not believe that something or someone is looking out for me? When I had no power to take care of myself, something or someone else did.

Back to my answer of why I survived. I believe it is to be of service, to share a message of strength and hope to those who may need it, to tell my story and share with others, and what came out of that realization is this blog, which is just a start, but a step to say thank you for my life, a life that something or someone thought was worth saving. Each word I type in each blog is my gratitude, my way of saying thank you, to that force that watches over me.

I too think your life is worth saving, in fact I know it is, and I am happy to have you come and sit with me on this beach anytime, if you haven’t found that force, or voice yet you will, if you try, and until then I want you to know, it’s going to be OK.

SLAY OF THE DAY: How’s your spirituality SLAYER? Do you feel connected to something you feel wants the best for you or guides you? If not, why? Try to look for the times in your life that you feel a power greater than yourself may have stepped in and helped or guided you. Keep looking for those times SLAYER, what signs do you see? If you’re having trouble finding that force in your life, use us, us SLAYERS, because together we are far more powerful than you alone, let this group of warriors, survivors, be your power, until you find one of your own. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Expectations: The Evolution Of Evil

You know, if everyone would just do what we expect them to do, the way we expect them to do it, everything would be fine. Am I right here? Unfortunately that’s not how it works, and then, we find ourselves in resentment. Managing our expectations can be tricky, but for me it goes back to what I’ve talked about in previous posts about finding out the facts. As I’ve said before, when we find out the facts, we are safe.

I used to be guilty of wishful thinking, of assuming that everyone knew what I was thinking or expecting, and were just going to do it the way I would want it done. I was afraid to speak up and ask others what their expectations were and, what they were willing to give or contribute. I had too much fear that you might not be on the same page so I just wouldn’t ask the questions, and then be hurt, disappointed, or angry when you didn’t follow through. But, I didn’t follow through for myself, I didn’t get all the information, and if someone called me out on that, I would get defensive and angry. Really, I was embarrassed that I hadn’t spoken up and done the work for myself.

This ties into a few different things. First, believing that your voice matters and asking for what you want. Now, just because you’re asking doesn’t mean you’re always going to get it, but if you are clear about your expectations then the other person or people can then let you know if they are on the same page or not, or what they are willing to do. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. If someone says no, it’s not the end of the world, what it is, is the end of you expecting them to participate and you can now move on to find someone else who may want to help you out or come on board. When we know the facts we are safe. This also goes for other people’s expectations of us. I used to be a people pleaser, never wanting to disappoint anyone or upset them because I didn’t want them to think I was a bad person, so I would agree to things, or kind of say yes without really committing, so that I looked good in the moment, but then wouldn’t follow through or make an excuse when the time came resulting in hurt feelings and frayed friendships, I would always be the martyr and claim that I never really committed, justifying my flakiness in every situation. It’s funny how I always thought I was right in those situations, but when someone did it to me, I was angry. Well here’s the thing, when we’re living as our authentic selves, loving ourselves, choosing the right people to have in our lives, people we love and respect, then it becomes easier to speak our truth, and to ask for it.

Today, for me, it’s about keeping my side of the street clean. If I’m not able to help someone out, I tell them, I will explain why, and if I can and it’s asked for, maybe offer another solution or option, that way the people in my life know where I stand, and what they can expect from me. I’m not going to lie, sometimes people are disappointed, but I’d rather have them not count on me for something I know I can’t or don’t want to do then have them think I’m on board, and that goes for myself as well, I need to ask if someone is willing or wanting to help me with things, and ask, that way if they say no I know to move on, ask someone else. No, isn’t the worst thing someone can say to you, sometimes it can be the best, because it may force you to think outside the box, or go to someone you might not have thought to go to before. I try to look at a no as an opportunity.

When we ask for what we want, and are honest with others about what we are able to give or contribute, our expectations stay in check, as do others’ with us, most of the time, but it’s a good base to operate from to maintain and build healthy relationships. And, an incredible way to honor living as our authentic selves.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you ask for what you want? If not, why? Do you think you deserve to have what you want? If not, why? Do you ask people what their expectations are before getting started on a project or activity? Are you afraid to ask? Why? The challenge SLAYER is ask the questions you need to feel safe, and to be honest with others about what you are willing to give, you, like everyone else, deserves to be heard, and deserves to know the facts. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

You Are Not Responsible For Other People’s Happiness

News flash, SLAYER – you’re not responsible for other people’s happiness! I spent so much of my life trying to make or keep everyone else happy. It wasn’t until I started this journey that someone told me my real responsibility was to make sure I was happy. At first, it felt selfish.

It was pointed out that my efforts to make others happy were sometimes rooted in wanting something in return – even just acknowledgment. I wasn’t doing it purely from the goodness of my heart. Instead, I was trying to fill my own void or prove I was a “good” person.

The People-Pleaser Pattern

As a kid, I constantly tried to make my parents happy. I wore that effort like a badge of honor. Even into adulthood, that need to please followed me. I thought if I could make someone happy, that would mean I had worth. But what it really meant was putting others’ feelings ahead of my own, neglecting my needs, and losing my voice.

I’d martyr myself when my efforts weren’t appreciated. I’d lash out or resent the person for not seeing what I was doing for them. But the truth is, I was trying to do someone else’s job—their happiness—and ignoring the work I needed to do for my own.

Happiness Is an Inside Job

Here’s the reality: we’re all responsible for our own happiness. No one else can do it for us. Sure, it’s lovely when someone does something that makes us feel good. But relying on others to provide our happiness is like expecting someone to go to work for you while you still cash the paycheck.

Happiness comes from within. It’s about being authentic, living our truth, and knowing what lights us up. It’s about asking for what we need without fear and showing compassion for others while still prioritizing our own joy.

Shifting the Narrative

Doing nice things for others can bring happiness—it feels good to spread love. But it should nourish, not replace your happiness. Sometimes, seeing what makes others happy can reveal what makes us happy. But one should never replace the other.

Start identifying what makes you happy. Explore, try new things, say yes. Your happiness shouldn’t hinge on someone else’s feelings. When you make yourself a priority, that joy spills over to those around you—authentically and without strings.

Happiness Is Contagious (But Starts With You)

Our path is about finding what makes our hearts shine. It’s okay to do things we don’t want to do sometimes, but not at the expense of our own happiness. When we cheat ourselves, we also cheat others of finding their happiness.

Fill your life with what brings you joy. And by making your happiness a priority, you might just inspire others to do the same. See how that works?

SLAY OF THE DAY: Reflection Questions

  • Do you put others’ happiness before your own?

  • Why do you think you do that?

  • Do you believe you deserve to be happy? (You do!)

  • What truly makes you happy?

  • How can you challenge yourself to prioritize your happiness today?

Happiness is your job, SLAYER. Make it a priority. SLAY on.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one way you’ll prioritize your happiness today?
Share your thoughts in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s struggling to put themselves first, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Say Yes!

I was never a yes person. Before starting on this journey when I was asked to do something new, something I wasn’t sure about, especially with people I didn’t know, I would say no. It was too scary. What if I wasn’t good at it? What if I looked foolish? What if no one liked me? It was all too risky to jump into something without knowing the outcome. This comes back around to letting go and not having control of any given situation. Consequently I missed out. I missed out on trying something different, maybe something I would have liked, and perhaps I would even have liked the people and made some new friends, perhaps, but I wasn’t open to new people in my life, unless I could tell they were just as messed up as I was, or maybe more, at least then I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself. But when I decided to make an effort in my life to be positive and to do things differently, I was encouraged to always say yes. ALWAYS say yes I thought, that’s crazy. A series a “buts” came after that suggestion was made, we’ll get to those “buts” another day, I thought of every scenario of what I might be asked to do and it gave me anxiety to even think of saying yes to things when I didn’t know what would happen, but I had made a commitment to get better, so I took the suggestion.

As scary as it was, I started say yes. And, I can’t say that I loved everything I got involved in, or all the people, but I realized that I had closed myself off to so much of the world because of fear, and had pretended to be who I thought you had wanted me to be for so long, I didn’t really know what I liked or who I wanted to hang around with. I began to look at saying yes as an invitation to get to know myself, an adventure of learning about me, suddenly the thought of saying yes seemed exciting, and abundant, there’s a whole world out there I never opened myself up to. Saying yes became something of an adrenaline rush, like going over the first drop on a roller coaster, or learning to fly on a trapeze, I knew I couldn’t get hurt, but I felt the rush of trying something new. And, because I started doing that, I started to learn about myself, who the real me was, what I liked to do, and who I wanted to do it with. I also started to trust that the opportunities that were being presented to me were not happening randomly, they were all part of my journey and growth, and I started to look forward to them trying to figure out why they had come my way, or doing it anyway and looking for the reasons later, even if the reason turned out to be that I had just tried.

Some years back I got offered an opportunity to teach. I thought it was crazy. I had never taught anything, ever, and hadn’t been in any class since my one semester of collage before I dropped out to start my adventure into adulthood many, many, years ago. Even though I was well into my years of saying yes, I had some reservations, how the heck was I going to teach a 104 hour workshop? I explained that I had never taught before, and the response was that I had a lot of experience in my field and that was more important than having teaching experience, they said they would give me a syllabus and I would figure it out. I’m not going to lie, I think I was shaking a little bit. But, what my journey had taught me was to suit up and show up, I did the footwork and stayed out of the results. I asked for advice from friends who taught, I audited their classes, and I used the guidelines I was given. I said yes, jumped in… and it was incredible. Having now taught since that first workshop, I cherish the times I’ve had the opportunity to teach and work with others, to see their potential and growth, and to be able to encourage and champion that is such a gift. I still stay in contact with many of my students today, and they all inspire me. Had I said no, I would have cheated myself that experience.

This blog is another example of me saying yes. I have never, in a public forum, discussed any of the thoughts and ideas I have here, but all the signs seemed to point to this place, and instead of bowing down to fear, I said yes, and like teaching you all amaze and inspire me, and I cherish every one of you who have chosen to walk this path with me. Thank you for  saying yes and joining me on this journey SLAYERS. And, keep saying that, YES!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you afraid to say yes to new things? Why is that? What are some of the things that you have said yes to in the last year? What happened when you did? If you didn’t say yes, what do you think would have happened. I challenge you to say yes this week, say yes to new things and see what happens. Things are changing SLAYER, I can feel it. YES!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Want Without Work Is Dead

We all want things, and there are days, or nights, that we sit and dream about the ways we would like them be, but wanting them and working for them are two different things. You have to take action. I used to sit at night and dream up all kinds of things that I wanted for myself, I could visualize it, then I would go bed, wake up, and do the same things I did the day before, never getting anywhere. I did that with a lot of things in my life and wondered why things didn’t change, they didn’t change because I didn’t change. Doing the same things that haven’t brought you happiness, self-love, and fulfillment are going to continue bringing the same thing, nothing, nothing but frustration, despair, and depression. It is up to you to do the work, and yeah, I know that sounds crappy, I mean, isn’t there some kind of pill or magical potion that you can take to make it better, no, no there isn’t. You have to roll up your sleeves, put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, and work, and talk, for things out to move forward.

I was famous for reading all kinds of inspirational things and walk around feeling, well inspired, ready to do something, and then I wouldn’t. So, my challenge to you, and hopefully you have, but my challenge to you is to do the work, the writing at the end of each of these blogs, they’re there for reason, and they’re all things I do and have done, questions I’ve been asked, and work I’ve done that has helped to get me to the place I am today. It’s hard sometimes to sit down and answer these honestly, without any bullshit, but there’s a reason for it.

For too long we have hid behind our disease, or being a victim, or our fear, no more! It’s time to pick up our swords, or pens, and go to battle. Go to battle for ourselves, fight through the fear, and maybe the cold hard facts of what we have done or not done, how much we may have harmed ourselves, but hiding from it, stuffing it down, numbing it, isn’t helping us, trust me, it almost cost me my life, and to that I say, I am not going down because I couldn’t get honest with myself, that is the ultimate loss, loosing you to you at your own hand because you didn’t fight for the most important person in your life, YOU.

I’m not going to lie, things might seem shaky, they will probably be uncomfortable, and they might feel upside down, THAT’S EXACTLY WHERE YOU WANT TO BE! That means you are changing, shaking things up, breaking the patterns you have made in the past, that’s progress! We have to learn to get comfortable in our uncomfortableness, and you will, I did, I mean, there were days I felt like I was going to crawl out of skin, but I didn’t, it passes, and the more we do it, the easier it gets, and, the more we do it the more uncomfortable we get when we don’t do it. True story.

I know you have it in you SLAYER, you’ve come this far, and as I’ve said before, there is nothing that you have done, or a situation you’ve been in that hasn’t been done or happened before, people have managed to move passed it and make better lives for themselves, I have, and know many who have as well. If you find it’s getting too overwhelming or need help making sense of it all, ask for help, seek out someone, or a professional to help you put the pieces together, I have many times on my journey SLAYER, there’s no shame in asking for help along the way. The point is to move forward, learn from our past, our present, and find new tools for our SLAYER chest to move us forward with love and strength.

So, pick up your sword, call out your battle cry, scream, shout, summon all your strength and go to battle, for you!  SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: My challenge to you SLAYER is to do the work. If you haven’t been doing the writing, go back and start, and if you have, re-read what you’ve written and see if what you’ve written has changed, if so update your answers, and be proud SLAYER, that’s growth. We SLAYERS don’t shy away from the truth, we are truth seekers, from ourselves and others, because when we live in truth we are safe. Don’t forget to smile, you are a SLAYING IT!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

People Picker

Yup we all have ’em, but a lot of ours are broken. I used to complain about the “awful people” in my life and the horrible things they did to me, but, it was me who let them into my life, and, participated in those relationships. When we’re not living in our truth, as our authentic selves, and we’re not loving and nurturing ourselves, we’re not making the best choices as to who we let into our lives. It’s not those people’s fault they are wreaking havoc in our lives, or disrespecting us, we’re the ones who invited them in, and, have let them stay!

There are certainly times when we don’t have a choice, but today we’re talking about most of the time, when we do, and honing your people picker starts with you, I think you may have started to see a trend here, everything starts with us, we have to manage who and what we let in, and for me I run that through some tests. What is this person’s intentions? Do they respect me? Do they listen? Do I like them? What do I like about them? Can I trust them? (oooh, that’s a big one, if they fail that one they have to go, no matter what else they may bring to the table). Trust, yeah. Before I started on this journey I did have people in my life I didn’t trust, because my people picker was based on wants and needs. What did I want or need from this person, there were a few people who I just wanted friendship, but there were many that had a purpose, and when they didn’t behave and do what I wanted them to do, or they didn’t fulfill that purpose, well, I got mad, and resentful. But, let’s go back to trust for a moment.

How can we trust someone else when we don’t trust ourselves? That’s the ticket really. We have to learn to trust ourselves, to honor ourselves, and know that we deserve to be surrounded by good people who love and respect us, but we have to honor and respect ourselves first. We have to get quiet sometimes and really ask ourselves for the truth, we know what it is, we just don’t always want to believe it or hear ourselves say it, but that “gut” instinct we all have, if we listen, it tells us, and sometimes it’s quite obvious we just choose to look the other way, or hope it will change. It won’t, until we change. It’s our job to trust we know what’s right, and, who should be in our lives. People tell us who they are, they show us, and it’s now SLAYER that we have believe them. We can’t make excuses for them anymore and let them in, or stay in, when who they are and what they are doesn’t fall in line with our authentic selves, we are living in our truth, and if someone else isn’t, or doesn’t respect yours, they have to go. And listen, I have a lot of compassion for someone who is trying, if I can see they’re doing the work, I can give someone a lot of leeway, but if they’re just spinning the same story over and over and it’s tampering with my peace of mind or my way of life, then they have to go. No, they have to go, there was no ‘but’ after that sentence SLAYER. Now, that doesn’t always mean forever, sometimes your path might meet up with that person again, if you both are on the same path, never say never, but for the time being, it’s the end of that story.

People, relationships, have chapters and stories in our lives, and sometimes they have to end, or are supposed to end, you know when that is, when it becomes the same struggle time after time, or they let us down over and over, or betray us, that story is meant to end, we are the authors, write THE END, and close that chapter.

As we learn to do this, and as we become clearer in our thinking, we become more and more protective of our hearts, are people picker gets better, more exact, but always looks for the facts, what are the people in our lives showing and telling us, believe them, you may need to move on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: How do you choose the people in your life? Are there people in our life you think shouldn’t be there? Why? Why do you think you’ve let them stay? Are you afraid to let them go? Why? Make a list of all of the people in your life, make pros/cons after each name, it should be obvious after you complete your list who should stay and who should go. If who should go scares you, know SLAYER, you are now honing your people picker, and even though it’s hard to say goodbye to who and what you know, you are starting a new chapter, a chapter filled with good people who love you for who you are. SLAY ON.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Stinking Thinking

I used to have some stinking thinking, and on a bad day, I still can. My default mode, when I’m not on top of my self care, is negative, reactionary, manipulative, and downright awful, I know now that those are all defenses I used to use to “protect” myself, and they were my go-to tools before I found better tools for my tool box, but, now I know better, so I don’t let myself get away with using those old ones, I also know that when I do fall into stinking thinking that something is off and I need to take a moment to look at the source of that. As an actor I always liken my job to that of a detective. I get a script and then I try to gather as many facts as I can and research to paint a picture of who that person is and why they’re doing what they’re doing. I talked about being the detective of your own life in Powerful Powerlessness, so taking what I do for work I also apply that with my thoughts in my personal life. My thoughts lie to me, a lot, and I know now how to listen but with a different perspective, I know my perspective can be skewed to the negative so I have to be careful not to let myself fall down that rabbit hole, I’ve worked too hard over the years to let myself live in that negative place, and it’s not the woman I aim to be, so that stinking thinking tells me I need to pause for a moment and get out my detective hat.

Our negative thoughts and actions can quite often have nothing to do with the truth of what’s really going on, but a reaction to something that’s been triggered in you. We walk around with a lot of damage from past experiences, especially if we haven’t been living as our authentic selves, we’ve probably not spoken our truths and have chosen less than ideal people and situations to get involved in, all leaving these really touchy triggers of times we may have felt abandoned, wronged, or not listened to, so in life, we can be minding our own business and then come across something, or someone, and BAM, it triggers something in us from our past, and the stinking thinking comes out in full force. This seems especially true with family and romantic relationships, they seem to have a special atomic reaction with our stinking thinking. Now identifying the source of these takes time, and for me, was aided a lot by counselling to put all the puzzle pieces together, but since these reactions are usually triggered by our past experiences this takes us back to forgiving ourselves, we haven’t gotten to forgiving those other people yet, but if we’re able to forgive ourselves it makes getting through stinking thinking easier. Again, the people we were when we were hurt, or maybe thought we deserved it, is not who we are anymore, we are SLAYERS, and as slayers we are moving forward, but we’re also learning from our past, so when the negative thoughts come up, instead of reacting to them immediately, pause….pause and ask yourself why they’re coming up, what about the situation or person is causing these feelings? As I said, it may take time to come to the truth, or you may need to seek some outside help like I did, but it’s important that you find the root to all of the evils that plague you, once you do, you are actually safer, and, it feels good to have a better understanding of what makes you tick, or ticked off, and why. As a SLAYER we want to have as much of the information as we can so we can make better choices for ourselves moving forward.

For me, I’ve found the answers to most of my triggers, which doesn’t mean I don’t get surprised from time to time, but armed with the information I do have I can typically get to the root of the matter and figure out why I’m being triggered, and if I need to do some more work in that area to clear away the negativity. We are always works in progress, but as much as that can seem overwhelming at times, it also means it’s OK to be fallible, to be human, to make mistakes, we are all here to learn, and sometimes it takes a while to get it, but you will, as long as you don’t give up. The fact that you are even trying is a huge victory SLAYER.

SLAY OF THE DAY: What areas in our life trigger stinking thinking? Why do you think that is? Do you know where it stems from? Looking back at those things, can you find forgiveness and start to love and nurture yourself in those areas? Write down 5 positive things about yourself. Smile SLAYER, smile, you are awesome.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you