self-doubt

Woman expressing an intense emotion, representing how feelings can feel true even when they do not reflect reality.

A Feeling Can Be Real Without Being True

Feelings can be incredibly convincing.

When we feel rejected, it can seem like proof that we weren’t wanted.

When we feel guilty, it can seem like proof that we did something wrong.

When we feel afraid, it can seem like proof that something bad is about to happen.

When we feel inadequate, it can seem like proof that we aren’t enough.

The emotion arrives, and almost instantly, our mind begins building a story around it.

I feel it, therefore it must be true.

But feelings and facts are not always the same thing.

Your feelings are real because you are experiencing them.

They deserve your attention. They can tell you something important about your fears, needs, history, expectations, wounds, hopes, and boundaries.

But a feeling isn’t necessarily an accurate description of what is happening.

Sometimes it is.

Sometimes it isn’t.

Learning the difference can change the way we understand ourselves.

Prefer to listen? The Audio Blog version is available here.

YOUR FEELINGS ARE REAL

There is an important distinction between saying a feeling may not be true and saying a feeling isn’t real.

If you’re hurt, you’re hurt.

If you’re afraid, you’re afraid.

If you’re angry, you’re angry.

You don’t need to argue yourself out of an emotion simply because someone else thinks you shouldn’t be having it.

Feelings are experiences, and experiences are real.

But the meaning we assign to those experiences is something different.

You can feel excluded without someone intentionally excluding you.

You can feel unloved while being deeply loved.

You can feel like a failure after making a perfectly ordinary mistake.

You can feel guilty for disappointing someone even though you made the healthiest decision available to you.

The feeling deserves compassion.

The conclusion deserves examination.

Those are two very different things.

FEELINGS ARE INFORMATION, NOT ALWAYS EVIDENCE

Think of a feeling as information arriving at your door.

It has something to tell you.

But that doesn’t mean you have to hand it the keys to the house.

Anxiety may tell you that something feels uncertain.

It doesn’t necessarily tell you that something terrible is going to happen.

Jealousy may tell you that you’re feeling insecure or afraid of losing something important.

It doesn’t necessarily tell you that someone has betrayed you.

Guilt may tell you that you’ve acted against your values.

But it can also appear because you’ve been conditioned to feel responsible for keeping everyone else happy.

Loneliness may tell you that you need connection.

It doesn’t tell you that nobody cares about you.

Feelings contain information.

The mistake we sometimes make is treating that information as a verdict.

OUR HISTORY CAN SPEAK IN THE PRESENT TENSE

Sometimes what we feel in the present was shaped long before the present moment arrived.

Maybe you’ve experienced abandonment.

Then someone you care about becomes quiet, distracted, or unavailable.

Suddenly, you feel that familiar drop in your stomach.

They’re leaving.

Nothing has actually happened yet.

But your body recognizes something.

Not necessarily the situation.

The pattern.

If you’ve spent years being criticized, a small piece of feedback may feel like a complete rejection of who you are.

If you’ve lived around unpredictable behavior, calm can sometimes feel suspicious.

If love once had to be earned, someone else’s disappointment may feel like a threat to the relationship.

Our history doesn’t disappear simply because the calendar moves forward.

Sometimes yesterday puts on today’s clothes.

And unless we stop to look closely, we may not recognize it.

YOUR MIND DOESN’T LIKE AN EMPTY SPACE

Human beings are meaning-makers.

When we don’t know why something happened, our minds tend to fill in the blank.

Someone doesn’t text back.

They’re upset with me.

A friend seems distant.

I did something wrong.

You don’t get the opportunity you wanted.

I’m not good enough.

Someone’s tone changes.

They’re angry.

You walk into a room and suddenly feel self-conscious.

Everyone is judging me.

Notice how quickly we can travel from observation to interpretation.

Something happened.

We felt something.

Then we created an explanation.

Sometimes that explanation is correct.

But sometimes we’ve turned a question mark into a period before we have enough information to finish the sentence.

GUILT DOESN’T ALWAYS MEAN YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG

This one can be especially difficult.

Many of us were taught, directly or indirectly, that being good meant being accommodating.

Don’t disappoint people.

Don’t upset anyone.

Don’t be difficult.

Don’t say no.

Don’t make someone uncomfortable.

So when we finally set a boundary, leave an unhealthy situation, decline a request, or choose ourselves, guilt can show up immediately.

And because guilt usually accompanies wrongdoing, we assume:

If I feel guilty, I must have done something wrong.

But sometimes guilt is simply what change feels like when you’re accustomed to abandoning yourself.

You can feel guilty and still have made the right decision.

You can disappoint someone without mistreating them.

You can choose not to carry something that was never yours to carry.

The presence of guilt doesn’t automatically mean the absence of integrity.

FEAR CAN CONFUSE NEW WITH DANGEROUS

Fear is designed to protect us.

That’s part of what makes it so persuasive.

When fear speaks, we tend to listen.

But fear doesn’t only respond to danger.

It also responds to uncertainty.

Starting over can feel frightening.

Being vulnerable can feel frightening.

Leaving something familiar can feel frightening.

Trying something you’ve never done before can feel frightening.

Even being treated well can feel unsettling if you’re accustomed to relationships where you had to constantly earn affection, anticipate moods, or protect yourself.

Your nervous system doesn’t have a crystal ball.

It recognizes patterns.

Sometimes it raises the alarm because something is dangerous.

Sometimes it raises the alarm because something is different.

Wisdom is learning not to confuse the two.

NOT EVERY THOUGHT ATTACHED TO A FEELING DESERVES TO STAY

Feelings are fast.

They arrive before we’ve had time to investigate them.

And they often bring thoughts along for the ride.

I’m embarrassed, so everyone must think I’m ridiculous.

I’m lonely, so I must be unwanted.

I’m overwhelmed, so I must be incapable.

I’m jealous, so there must be something to worry about.

I’m scared, so I shouldn’t do it.

I’m hurt, so they must have intended to hurt me.

That last part is where we can get ourselves into trouble.

We don’t have to reject the feeling.

We can question the story attached to it.

What actually happened?

What do I know?

What am I assuming?

Is there another explanation?

Have I felt this way in situations like this before?

Am I responding only to what is happening now, or to what this reminds me of?

Those questions don’t silence emotion.

They give it context.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO ACT ON EVERYTHING YOU FEEL

A feeling can be urgent without requiring immediate action.

That’s a powerful distinction.

You can be angry without sending the text.

You can feel rejected without withdrawing from the relationship.

You can feel anxious without cancelling the opportunity.

You can feel jealous without making an accusation.

You can feel insecure without asking someone else to prove your worth.

You can feel afraid without automatically turning around.

Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do with an emotion is simply allow it to exist for a moment.

Feel it.

Name it.

Listen to it.

Then decide what, if anything, it actually requires from you.

There is space between feeling and action.

A lot of our growth happens there.

TWO THINGS CAN BE TRUE AT ONCE

You can know someone loves you and still feel insecure.

You can know you made the right decision and still feel sad about it.

You can be proud of yourself and still feel afraid.

You can know you’re capable and still have moments when you doubt yourself.

You can know a relationship needed to end and still miss the person.

You can know you’re worthy and still have days when you don’t feel particularly worthy.

One truth doesn’t erase the other.

We get into trouble when we believe uncomfortable feelings invalidate everything else we know.

They don’t.

A difficult feeling doesn’t necessarily mean you’re moving in the wrong direction.

Sometimes it simply means you’re human while moving through something difficult.

A FEELING CAN BE REAL WITHOUT BEING TRUE

Emotional maturity isn’t learning how to stop feeling.

It’s learning how to feel without automatically believing every conclusion your emotions offer you.

Your feelings deserve to be heard.

They don’t always deserve to be obeyed.

Sometimes they are telling you exactly what you need to know.

Sometimes they’re showing you where something still hurts.

Sometimes they’re responding to an old experience.

Sometimes they’re reacting to uncertainty.

Sometimes they’re asking you to slow down long enough to separate what happened from what you fear it means.

You don’t have to invalidate yourself to question your interpretation.

You can say:

This feeling is real.

I am allowed to feel it.

And I am going to find out whether the story I’m telling myself about it is true.

That isn’t denying your emotions.

It’s learning to listen to them without handing them the microphone, the gavel, and the final word.

SLAY REFLECTION

S — Separate the feeling from the story
Think about something you’re feeling strongly right now. What is the emotion, and what story have you attached to it?

L — Look at what you actually know
What facts support the story you’re telling yourself? What parts are assumptions, fears, or interpretations?

A — Ask what the feeling may be showing you
Does this emotion belong entirely to the present situation, or does something about it feel familiar from your past?

Y — You choose what happens next
Before reacting, give yourself space to decide whether this feeling requires action, reflection, a conversation, a boundary, or simply time to pass.

CALL TO ACTION: JOIN THE CONVERSATION

I’d love to hear from you.

Have you ever had a feeling that seemed completely true in the moment, only to discover later that the story you attached to it wasn’t accurate?

Or have you ever felt guilty, afraid, rejected, or inadequate even when the facts were telling you something very different?

Share your thoughts in the comments. Your experience may help someone else realize that questioning the story behind a feeling doesn’t mean dismissing the feeling itself.

And if you know someone who tends to believe everything their emotions tell them, send this to them.

Sometimes the feeling is real, but the story still needs a second look.

Slay Say

The Conversation Between Fear and Faith

Every dream begins with a negotiation.

Not with the world.

With yourself.

One voice says it’s too late.

Another says you’re not experienced enough.

It reminds you of every time something didn’t work out.

Every criticism.

Every disappointment.

Every reason to play it safe.

Little by little, doubt starts asking you to lower the price of your dreams.

Maybe aim a little smaller.

Maybe wait another year.

Maybe settle for what’s realistic.

But dreams were never meant to be negotiated with fear.

They’re meant to be built with courage.

Every meaningful life requires moments where you choose belief over certainty.

Where you move before every answer arrives.

Where you trust that the person you’re becoming is capable of carrying the future you’re creating.

Your doubts will always have something to say.

They just don’t deserve a seat at the negotiating table.

This is your reminder that the future belongs to the version of you that chooses courage over comfort.

Slay on.

Dark Horse Wins The Race

It’s always great when we have the support of your friends and family when we set out to accomplish a goal. It doesn’t always work out that way, and many times we can get derailed in our efforts because we let those around us influence our confidence or thinking that we may not be capable of reaching our potential or get to where we want to be. I have a great support group, but there have been times in my life where some around me have not understood or fully supported me in my efforts. It has hurt, and there were times when I was younger that I let that doubt creep in and turn into my own self-doubt and I became fearful and unsure if I could actually do what I wanted to do. As I got older the fear of not trying outweighed the fear of failure so I would move forward anyway, but there was always that bit of self-doubt weighing in the back of my mind. That little bit of negativity often prevented me from giving whatever I was working on my complete all, which always effected the results. I did reach many goals back then, but not always to my full potential.

As I made a commitment to learn to love myself, and honor who I am, I learned, and began to believe, that, not only, was a capable of doing whatever I set my mind on, but that I deserved it. That second part was the missing part that had eluded me earlier in my life. As much as I could dig my heals in and push forward anyway, I never truly believed I deserved what I was working to accomplish, and when I did accomplish it, I would look at that accomplishment as luck or a fluke that I had actually gotten to the finish line, taking away that accomplishment from myself. But once I believed that I deserved those things I was working so hard for, that changed everything. It no longer became as important to me that everyone thought I could do something, it is certainly nice to have a cheering section to encourage me, but it’s not a necessity, in fact, when I did meet resistance, armed with self-love and self-worth, I surged ahead anyway, knowing that, at times, someone thinking I couldn’t accomplish something may work to my advantage of completing that goal. When your not expected to win, you can make a lot of headway without anyone noticing how fast you’re moving forward. And in doing so, I have converted a few doubters into believers when I crossed that finish line that they didn’t think I could cross. As I’ve said many times before, we have the power to take something negative and turn it into a positive, or in this case, fuel or positive energy to give us a turbo boost to our goal.

Don’t let someone else’s doubt cast a shadow on the work you are doing to reach your goal, let it give you that extra spark you need to light that fire within and allow you to burn bright as you move forward. Surround yourself with those who do believe, who support you and encourage you to be your best self, and find those who understand your drive to go after what you want. Be that dark horse, when the shadow of doubt is cast upon you, and convert that negative energy to positive to reach your goal, besides the pressure is off the dark horse when everyone is looking elsewhere, so pull forward, believe in yourself and take the win! SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Have their been people in your who have doubted that you are capable of accomplishing what you have set out to do? How does that make you feel? Do you let that keep you from accomplishing or going after your goals? List an example when you let others derail you from your goal? How can you prevent this from happening in the future? What can you do to moving forward to use someone’s doubt into positive energy? Never let anyone talk you out of what you want in life, it is up to you to go after what you want and if someone else isn’t able to support you in that, look to those who do, and if you feel you don’t have support at all, use all of that to fuel your victory for yourself and cross that finish line. You deserve it, and, are already a winner.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Talk To Your Younger Self

I’ve brought this up before, especially for those struggling with self-care and negative self-talk, to talk to your younger self, or care for your younger self, because sometimes it’s easier to start there, you wouldn’t treat that little you as harshly as you would the you of today. I’ve often thought about what I would say to myself, and I guess, by doing the speaking I do, I do get to do that in a sense. I get to share what I know now with those like myself who are perhaps still struggling, or just starting on their path. Whenever I am called on to speak in front of group, I always ask to myself before I begin, what would I want to hear. But, I think that’s a good approach in learning to talk to ourselves in a healthier and more positive way. What would you want to hear?

For me, I think back to the scared and unsure girl, so full of hopes and dreams, and not sure she had what it takes to get them, just wanting to escape, to be somewhere else, to hide. I think back to her, see her in my mind, and think about what I would say to her today, how I would care for her, what I would make sure she knew. But I can do that, because she is in me, she’s there, and it’s that little girl who I fight for every day. Who I protect. Encourage. Cheer on. And comfort. She is who I SLAY for. She is worth everything in the world. She is my heart.

So now, when I get in my head, when the negative self-talk kicks in, and it still does from time to time, I think about her, and I think about those negative things I’m saying to myself being said to her and it breaks my heart. That stops it for me. The puts it to an end.

I also talk to my younger self when I have self-doubt. I think back to the fear I had as a child and I think about what I would say to her now, and then I say it. Because no matter what my age is, that girl is still there, she’s fighting each day along with me, she’s laughing with me, she’s winning with me, and she’s losing with me. She’s doing it all. But she is the source of my shine, she radiates light at my core, her excitement, her love of adventure, her big heart, she is the life force that keeps me going. To do something to hurt her would kill my core self, my heart, my soul.

It is important to acknowledge and talk to our younger selves. When we get knocked down, it’s those younger selves who need comforting, who need to be picked up again and told it’s going to be OK. It’s our younger selves who can teach us the importance of self-care and self-love, and when we may feel it’s selfish, our younger selves remind us it is not. It is our younger selves who remind us who we truly are, before life got in the way and stripped us of that goodness and innocence, but we can regain that, only now we have some amour to protect it, and them. Let your younger self shine, celebrate them and who they are, because they, are we and our most pure. Never say anything to yourself you wouldn’t say to your younger self, care for, nurture, stand by those young versions of us, they are the key to everything we want and work for. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you talk to you younger self? If yes, what do you say? If not, have you ever thought about it? How do you feel about talking to your younger self? If you could say something, what would you say today? How would you protect your younger self? What can you do today to protect your younger self? Is self-care and self-love easier to practice when you visualize you saying and doing what you are to your younger self? Do it SLAYER. I challenge you to think about your younger self over the next week. Talk to them, care for them, remember what makes them so special and why they shine so bright, and remind yourself that that younger you lives inside of you, it is the center of who you are, so let that little light shine from your younger self and let it turn into beacon of hope, love, and your best you. Let your light shine.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Take Up More Space

I think many of us at times have cut off pieces of ourselves to make other people more comfortable. We’ve made ourselves small. We’ve downplayed who we are and what we want to fit in nicely to what others are expecting of us, or willing to accept from us and cheating ourselves of being who we are authentically or going after what we want. Our job isn’t to make others comfortable with who we are, it’s to be the best us we can be and celebrate who we are and what we love, to go after the things that make us happy, that challenge us, and show off our talents. If that makes someone in your life uncomfortable then perhaps that person shouldn’t be in your life. A true friend or partner would want you to be you, and loves you for being you, and would never want you to dull your shine for them or those around you. Nor should we want nothing less for ourselves. As SLAYERS we should make ourselves priority, always shine bright and believe in our own strength, power, and beauty.

I didn’t always believe. I thought, for most of my life, that I was less than. That you all were the bright shiny stars, and even though I could pretend, put on the act like I too was bright, the truth was I didn’t believe I deserved it, and, I many times, made myself smaller so I wouldn’t stand out, or cause anyone to look at me. I had so many hopes and dreams and there were many I quashed in the darkness, I didn’t dare let out, or tell anyone, for fear you would tell me I didn’t deserve them, or they were stupid, or that you might get jealous. I lived like that most of my life, and it felt like I was constantly cutting away at who I was and I worried what would be left. In the end, not much was left, just an empty girl, with a dark heart, and an empty soul. Thankfully that girl had a tiny bit of light and fight left in her and started to put the pieces back to together.

Sometimes it takes a lot of walking through fear. If you’ve lived in an environment where you’ve been told you don’t deserve what you want, or aren’t good enough to get it, walking through the fear that they might be right can be difficult, difficult, but not impossible. Use your desire to push past your fear, to show yourself that you can, and you will accomplish and get what you want, what you’re working for, don’t let someone else’s insecurities or jealousies stop you from fulfilling your dreams. Surround yourself with people who do believe in you and support you, use that support to further fuel you as you step forward, growing, expanding, and taking up more space. The fear that you might fail is not your story, it’s someone else placing a narrative on you to make them feel better, and if it is you and your narrative, you have the power to change it, as I’ve written in the past, You Are The Author Of Your Own Story, so start writing a new chapter. Make your mark!

Don’t get caught up in someone else’s expectations of who you are and who you can be. Express yourself in it’s truest form and be your best self, regardless of limits others may put on you. You are the only one who can break free of the chains that hold you back, you hold the key to reaching your potential and realizing your dreams, let go of those people who don’t support that and you and let yourself shine, you may just light the path for those naysayers who said you couldn’t.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you make yourself smaller to make others feel more comfortable? Why do you think you do that? What can you do to stop doing that? What do you think will happen if you do? If you have fears in doing so, what are those fears based on? Fears aren’t facts. What are the facts of your situation, why are you stopping yourself from living as your authentic self and going after you dreams? You are not a victim, you are not your past, what you are is a beautiful human being with so much to offer to world, go out there and get it and show us all what you’ve got. SLAY on!

                                                 S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Know Your Own Power

Before taking this journey I thought I was powerless, I never would have let you know that, because on the outside I presented a powerful front that was run purely on self-will and stubbornness, but inside, I felt helpless, alone, and a victim of life. And I was, because that was the outlook I chose to see. There are certain things we do not have power over, many things in fact, but what we do have power over is how we react to them, or, if we choose to engage with them at all, that, is in within our power. We have so much more power than we think, and when we start to exercise that power, and align those choices with our hopes, dreams and goals, our power grows and we go from powerless, to powerful.

No one us you. No one. There is power in that. There is no other person in the world who brings exactly what you have in the package you have it, no one. Know that. Own it. Use it. Even though you may have similar or shared experiences with other people, even though you may have similar backgrounds or education, no one has exactly what you have. Find the strength and power in that and use it to harness your talents, your ambitions, to go after what you want, use it to push you forward toward your goals and the direction you want to go. Don’t wait for permission to do something, create it, do it, go get it, work for it, make it happen. You are only as outside the center of power as you allow yourself to be, because truthfully, you are the center of your own power. Own that space, stand firm in who you are and what you want and take action.

This goes back to many of the topics I’ve discussed previously at State Of Slay, like many topics I discuss, everything builds on itself to create a solid foundation for us to stand, and to leap from, so we can rise to greater heights. Each step builds on the next, and gives us more self-confidence and strength to move forward, even if we’re still working on finding something in ourselves, the act of doing, seeking, or trying, works as a stepping stone to get us to the next step, and in trusting in the act of doing, sometimes we find the answer there. I’ve learned along my way that I’m not always going to figure it all out just because I’m working to do so, but I trust that I am learning what I need to know and gaining the information I need and I understand it when I’m supposed to have it, when I’m meant to, and that when I’m meant to understand or get what I’m working to find or achieve, I will, as long as I keep doing the work, so, even if you don’t have what you think you need to move forward, trust that you have enough, and that you will have the rest when you do need it and are ready, just take action, take action with the best of intentions with the information you do have, and move forward toward the things you want. I know that can be difficult when you’re struggling with self-doubt, or slow self-esteem, but just the act of doing it anyway, as I’ve mentioned before, taking contrary action, can help you gain more self-esteem and start to chip away at your self-doubt because you are taking positive steps towards being your authentic self and going after what you want. Never be ashamed of that. Never give up if it’s something you want and are willing to work for it. Keep moving forward and focus on your inner strength, your inner power, visualize it, use it to move you when you feel paralyzed with fear or uncertainty, use to grow, and to shine your light.

Know your power, and own it.

There is only one you, that is our power SLAYER. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you see and feel the power you have within? If not, why not? How do you think you can find it? Only you have the power to find your own power, and when you do, and you find the fire within you, you have the fuel to propel you to where you want to do, you have the fuel to shine bright in all that you do. It’s time to take action SLAYER, to find and own your power, to know that you are like no one else out there, only you are you. Write down 5 things that you think make you special. Write down 5 things you love about yourself. Write down 5 things that you want for yourself. Now use those things that make you special, use those things that you love about yourself, and go get the things you want! You, SLAYER, have the power to do that.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you