Inspiration

Cherishing Our Character Defects

When I stepped on this path I was encouraged to write down what I thought were my character defects. Defects? That seemed harsh. I mean, clearly, there were some things that weren’t working in my life, after all, I had gotten myself to a place where I could no longer find a way out on my own, but defects, let me digest that for a moment. When I looked up the definition it said that a character defect was a fault, failing, weakness, I didn’t like that one, flaw, shortcoming and inadequacy, it implies moral and psychological failings, yikes! It took me a while to wrap my head around, what I considered, harsh language, and yet, on the flip side, the words I would have used to describe myself at that moment in my life would have been far harsher than those. Outside of just my ego not wanting to admit I had character defects that there preventing me from having the life I would like, it was realizing that many of them, I may have grown fond of, and, may not be willing to let them go.

We all have behaviors, things we do, that we may realize are probably not the best, but we’ve been using them for so long that they feel comfortable to us, or, we practice them out of habit, not even realizing we’re using them. So the first step for me to making a list of things I use or did that ultimately harmed me, or stood in my way of freedom, was to recognize them for what they were. I started out with pen in hand and began writing down what I thought were bad qualities, still thinking of myself as a horrible person, that pen starting flying across the page as I feverishly started to purge what I thought were the worst of my worst defects. And as I wrote, my ego tried to take some of them back as helpful or tools I needed to protect myself, or keep others in line, that’s where I had to get honest. See, I found myself in a place of complete darkness and despair because my ego and negative thinking had been running the show, I had used those defects to get me right where I was, which was total emptiness, so I had to let go of anything that was not going to contribute to my greater good, every one of them had to go. It helped that I was told to write the positive attribute next to each defect I had written down, that way when I caught myself falling back on old behavior I had a quick reference to the opposite behavior to combat the negative. And I wish I could say that just that alone wiped them all out, it didn’t, I still struggle with some today, 14 years later, but, the point is to be willing to let them go, or change, and focus on practicing contrary action, finding a positive attribute to replace the one that is not working for me, and retraining myself to not romanticize the negative into something I need or want.

We all have things we may know hold us back, keep us from moving forward or build a wall between us or others. We may feel these things are our friends and keep us safe and out of harm’s way, but really they themselves are harming us by not allowing us to engage with others and be our best selves. Look at your behaviors and patterns for what they are, not what you want them to be, and be willing to let the ones go that are holding you back from where you are meant to be. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you recognize behaviors or patterns in your life that would be labeled as a character defect? What are they? Do you hold on to them knowing you should let them go? Why? What stops you from letting them go? Do you romanticize them? How does this hurt you? How have they prevented you from receiving what you would like in your life? What can you do to change that? Write down the character defects or flaws you see in yourself, not to beat yourself up, to use a tool to change, and next to each one write the positive attribute to the negative, then you have a path to removing the negative and focusing on the positive. It takes work and a willingness to change, but it’s worth it when you begin to make better choices that reflect the light within you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYERS! The more you deny your feelings, the more power they have over you.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Connection

Are You Disconnected From Yourself?

For much of my life, I felt like I had stepped out of myself and was observing my life from a distance. Not having a way to feel my feelings in a healthy way and a way that promoted my growth, I hide from my feelings and eventually, when the pain got to be too much, disassociated from them and myself. It was a very lonely existence knowing I didn’t have myself on my own side, and feeling like someone else, or something else, was running the show. And even on a night when I made a decision that could have proved to be fatal, I sat back and watched it happen until the fear of what I had done brought me back to myself long enough to surrender and ask for help. It’s frightening to think about now, as I have worked over the past 14 years to be present and in the moment, no matter how uncomfortable or painful that might be, it is important to me to feel my feelings and work through them in a healthy and productive way. To get to this point in my journey, I had to get honest and I had to learn to feel.

I had, at a very young age, stuffed down my feelings. I was afraid to share how I felt, feeling I would be judged for it, made fun of, I would not look smart, or, that I was wrong feeling what I felt. That thinking caused me a tremendous amount of anxiety, which made me feel even more self-conscious and made me disconnect from myself even more. Not giving myself permission to feel my feelings I never learned how to process them when they came up, so I started looking for outside things to change how I felt or to mask or numb what I didn’t want to feel. I constantly lived in my own head, creating other places for myself to go, then I started to control what I ate, then how I did things, having to do them in very specific ways or that anxiety or feeling of dread would pop up again, and on and on it continued, until what I needed to do to stuff down my feelings became bigger and bigger, and, would later threaten my life. Having to sit in the uncomfortableness of my feelings was difficult at first, but I was taught to breathe through it and to acknowledge how I felt, but then let it go, some things were easier to let go than others, but the more I practiced it the easier it got. I began to write down how I felt, which I found to be helpful in showing patterns of when my feelings popped up and what they were attached to. I worked with a counselor to help me make sense of the feelings I didn’t understand, and I began to carve out some quiet time each day to find some peace and to focus on finding a foundation I could build on in this new journey. Feelings aren’t facts, and most times they are tied into something that has nothing to do with our present circumstances, they are old ideas, stories and narratives we’ve told ourselves, or have been told, that we cling to making them our truths even when they are not, or may not be anymore. But feelings can be indicators that something is wrong and can be used as tools if we acknowledge them and process them as such, and they can be wonderful, positive and something we can cherish and enjoy. The bottom line is we have to stay connected to who we are and what we feel and making sure what we feel is accurate, or take note of what they’re telling us as they might be what we need to know to move forward.

Staying connected and present can be challenging at times, we don’t always want to feel our feelings, but avoiding them only puts up a wall between them and us, and the more we avoid them the higher that wall becomes until we may not be able to see ourselves anymore. Stay connected to who you are and know that, even if you don’t want to feel what you feel, feelings pass, and they may be trying to tell you something you should know. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like you are connected to yourself? If not, why not? Why do you think you disconnect from yourself? How do you think it helps you? How does it harm you? What type of feelings you do try to avoid? Why is that? How do you avoid them? Do you go to unhealthy lengths to avoid your feelings? How do you do that? What can you do to stay connected with yourself and how you feel today? What type of things can you do to keep that connection? We are not meant to live a life disconnected from who we are, we are meant to find a connection within ourselves and to what is around us, to live in harmony within our own lives but within a community that we identify with and fills us with joy. Find your own joy within as you love yourself and honor yourself in each present moment.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing you’re worth the trip.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Just A Reminder

You’re Worth It

Fourteen years ago today I surrendered. After years of suffering, I finally admitted defeat. And although that may sound like I failed in some way, I really won that day.  I finally found the humility and courage to ask for help, and I had just enough hope to stand up and fight for myself. That hope was really dim, but it was there, and I held onto that little light inside of myself as I set foot on a new path, my hands may have been shaking, but my heart gave me just enough strength to keep stepping forward, even if those steps, to start, where small.

I learned, early on, that my secrets, those things I fought to hide, those things I thought would show you I was weak, unlovable and ugly, those things were the things that there going to connect me to those who would understand me, lift me up, and love me before I could love myself. What I thought was the ugliest part of me became my ally and admitting my faults was the key to finding self-forgiveness and strength. I would also learn that admitting my faults would not push those away who were true friends and family who wanted the best for me, but it would bring us closer together, it would bond us, open the door to understanding and create a support system for me that I still hold close today. It would also surround me with people like myself who were working to do the best they could with what they had, and had also made the choice to fight for their life. And, that’s truly what I was doing every day, and every day since then, chosen to fight for my life. That fight has become less strenuous over the years but still can be on certain days, but I know today that I never fight it alone, I have a whole army of warriors around me, and I need to, I know, from when I was living in the dark, that I can’t fight alone, and am not meant to, we have far more strength together, and when we are weak, tired or feel we can’t go on, we pick up those who are struggling until they are able to get up and continue their fight alongside us.

My gratitude for the last 14 years is immeasurable, as is my love for those who have walked this journey with me. Today, I walk in the light, because I choose to, and I let that light shine for others to see who may need that spark of hope like I did years ago. When we shine our light and fight to be our best selves, we give others permission to do so also, or perhaps offer a spark that sets them off on their own journey of recovery. That, I believe is why I am still here, to share a message of hope, of compassion and to connect with all of you from a place of vulnerability, transparency and healing, we all want the same thing, to be loved, to feel love, to feel we matter and are appreciated and heard, and I want to you to know, you are, I love you, and even if you don’t love yourself today, I still love you, perhaps even more, as I know that sometimes what we need to get started is someone else seeing us for who we are and loving us anyway.  I hope one day you may find that you have always been worthy of love, especially those parts you think are unlovable. You are worth it, whatever it takes, find what works for you and fight, I am right there with you SLAYER.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel you’re worth fighting for? If not, why not? Is this something you think alone, or have you been told this? By whom? Why do you think they have said that? Why do you think it’s true? What if you didn’t believe them and fought for yourself anyway? What do you think would happen? What would you like to happen? It can. You hold the power to change, to seek help, to find those like yourself to support you, to share your journey with you. You have much more power than you think, but you have to believe you do, or at least have enough to get you started. That’s all it took for me, just enough strength to pick up the phone and share my truth, and that phone call started me on this path I walk today, and that path has given me a life beyond what I ever could have imagined. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Comfort can be found in the quiet.

New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Loud Is Strong

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Quiet the mind and the soul will speak.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Quiet Mind

Does The Quiet Scare You?

When I was living the dark I surrounded myself with a lot of noise. I didn’t realize I was doing it, or that I had stopped doing the things that used to ground me, or allowed me to find peace. My disease didn’t want me to find that peace, it wanted to keep its negative voice running constantly in my head. It wasn’t until I made a commitment to get better that I realized that the quiet scared me because when things were quiet, my negative voices got louder and it was terrifying.

Thinking back to the way things used to be, I always had music on, and loud, in the car, earbuds in while walking, the TV on at home, or stereo, there was always something on to drown out the silence. The silence held many truths, the truth of my situation wasn’t good, or something I was ready to face, there still was good in the silence, in the distance, but it was still there in between the negative chatter. When I made the decision to face my demons and get better I was faced with finding that peace again in the quiet, but at first, it was far from peaceful. Just thinking about sitting, for even a minute, in the quiet made my anxiety spike. It was like, each time I stopped and found some quiet, I was treated to a slide show of all of the things I was ashamed of and all of the ways was I was not enough, or a horrible person, turning that around took some work.

I had to learn to breathe through the uncomfortableness of the quiet, and I had to learn to distinguish between productive positive feedback and my disease trying to pull me back down, hitting the delete button on those negative thoughts became very liberating, but also accepting that they will come up, and still do, and not giving them any value, or judging myself for them. I remember being told in a meditation workshop to acknowledge those negative thoughts and then watch them pass by like a cloud. That imagery helped me to start to let them go. So much of my progress in learning to enjoy the quiet came from practice and patience, and, not judging myself when I wasn’t able to sit in silence, there were going to be good days and bad days, but really, as long as I was trying, none of them were really bad. Again, stopping the judgment and expectations of what I thought it was supposed to be. That was something that I carried over to all aspects of my life, at least, I work to do so. To observe, and if it doesn’t help me, move me forward or nourish me, to let it go. Now, some things are easier than others to let go, and sometimes the process takes time, or, I just get exhausted hanging on for far too long, but it always feels good to let it go without having to fix it or make sense of it, or make it look perfect. Even if it’s messy or unfinished, if it doesn’t serve you, let it go. Watch it pass by like a cloud.

Now I am able to sit in the quiet, in fact, I enjoy it, because, as I’ve shared before, I find many answers there. It is very rare today that I have music on in the car, or earbuds in as I walk outside, I enjoy the time alone, listening for answers and signs that are meant to guide me to where I am supposed to be, I missed many of those drowning out the quiet. Today the quiet is one of the best tools I have to connect with something greater than myself and to feel connected to what’s out there, it is part what anchors me and is a part of my foundation.

If the quiet scares you ask yourself why. Ask yourself what frightens you there, and also ask yourself what you may find there. I assure you, if you can find a comfortableness in the quiet it may become your biggest ally. Let go of preconceived notions of what you think it should be and just let it be, let it be your own experience and your own sacred space, a space where you can settle in and make it your own. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you make time for quiet in your day, or do you constantly bombard yourself with noise to drown it out? Why do you think you do that? Have you ever enjoyed the quiet? If so, what changed? What do you experience in the quiet? What would you like to experience in the quiet? What can you do to change what you experience in the quiet? How can you become more comfortable in the quiet? Our quiet space is our space, we can make it anything we want to, as long as it is contributing to our peace and positive direction in life.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You are not your mistakes, they are what you did, not who you are.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Still Standing

Suicide By Installment

When I look back at how I used to live, I can clearly see how my behaviors and choices led me to the edge of my emotional, spiritual, and physical bottom. I didn’t wake up every day actively wanting to die, but it felt like I was slowly choosing to end my suffering through the choices I was making—death by installment.

At the time, I couldn’t see another solution to the pain I was in. I wasn’t sharing my struggles with anyone, so the only voice I heard was the negative one in my head, and it told me I was right. I wouldn’t have said I was on a path of self-destruction, but now, standing nearly 14 years beyond my worst, I can see it clearly.

Recognizing the Patterns

It’s always easier to see patterns in hindsight—the choices, the behaviors, the downward slide. When you’re in it, it’s much harder to see just how far you’ve fallen. Often, the people around us can see it, but while we’re caught in the spiral, we’re rarely willing to hear it.

In my life, there were countless signs that my actions were compromising my safety, health, and spirit. There were moments that should have been wake-up calls. But instead of asking for help, I brushed them off and kept going.

At first, I lived in denial. When things went wrong, I’d tell myself it wasn’t that bad. But denial eventually gave way to shame, guilt, and finally, apathy. I stopped caring. And when you stop caring about your own well-being, you’re playing a dangerous game—one that could end in disaster.

I’m incredibly fortunate that someone came into my life who recognized what was happening. They shared their story of recovery with me, and for the first time, I saw hope. They showed me that a different life was possible—if I was willing to work for it. Thankfully, I was.

The Power of Choice

Many of us engage in self-harming behaviors—whether it’s neglecting our physical health, ignoring our mental and spiritual wellness, or taking risks that put us in danger. Sometimes it’s subtle, and sometimes it’s glaring. But no matter how it shows up, it’s a slow march toward destruction.

The truth is, we hold the key to our own well-being. It takes rigorous honesty and humility to look at the choices we’re making and ask ourselves: Are these choices serving me? Or am I slowly writing a story of decline, one installment at a time?

A Turning Point

For me, the turning point came when I was willing to face the truth—that I was living in a way that was harming me, that I was denying myself the life I deserved. I had to be honest, with myself and with others, and I had to surrender.

That surrender wasn’t weakness. It was strength. It was reclaiming my power and choosing to live.

Where Are You Today?

We all make choices every day. Some lead us closer to the light, and some drag us deeper into the shadows. The question is: Are you making choices that honor your life and your worth?

If you’re on a path that’s slowly breaking you down, it’s time to stop. It’s time to ask for help, to speak your truth, to make a different choice. You deserve more. But first, you have to believe that.

SLAY OF THE DAY:

  • Looking back at your life, do you feel you’ve made choices that serve you? If not, why not?

  • Have you changed the way you live to reflect more positive, life-affirming choices?

  • Are you still making choices that harm you or lead you down a destructive path?

  • What can you do today to stop this cycle?

  • Do you believe you deserve to live a healthy, fulfilling life? If not, why not?

You matter, SLAYER. I believe that. Now it’s time for you to believe it, too. Take that first step—share your truth with someone you trust, and open yourself to finding a new way forward. SLAY on.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one change you can make today to choose a healthier, more fulfilling path?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who might need this message, send it to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.