Suicide By Installment

When I think back to how I used to live my life, I can see how my behavior and choices lead to me hitting my emotional, spiritual and physical bottom. I did want to die every day, but only because I, alone, could not see any other solution to end my suffering, and, by not telling anyone how I felt, the only feedback I was getting was the negative voices in my head, and they told me I was right. When I started sliding down into the darkness I wouldn’t have necessarily said that I was heading toward my own demise, but now, being almost 14 years past my worst, I can see that I had been making choices for years that were slowly bringing me to that point, like I had decided to end things using suicide by installment.

Looking back it’s always easier to see the patterns in our lives, or the downward slide, it’s more difficult when we’re in it to see just how far we’ve slipped or fallen. Many times it’s much easier for those around us to see where we’ve fallen, but most of the time, while we’re in this downward spiral, we’re not open to listening to such observations, and it may take us falling down pretty far to realize it ourselves. In my life, there were many indicators over the years that I was compromising my safety, physical, mental and spiritual health. There were quite a few incidents that should have been a wake-up calls for me, that the way I was living my life was not working, or that I needed to ask for help, and yet, I would brush myself off and carry on. In thinking about my emotional state back then, early on, it was mostly denial when things bad things would happen as a result of my behavior, and after many years of that denial, and feeling shame and guilt for those bad things, that denial slid into not caring about myself. That’s when things got dangerous, because if I no longer cared that I was putting myself in danger I was tempting fate to see if I could indirectly take actions that would harm myself in a way that would not be reversible. The installment plan. Those chapters in my life that brought me closer and closer to death.  I am very fortunate that someone came into my life who recognized what was going on, saw what I was doing and shared his story of recovery with me which gave me hope that there might be a better life if I was willing to work for it. Thankfully I was.

Many of us do things that harm ourselves in our daily life, whether it’s not taking care of our physical health when we know we should, not taking care of our mental and spiritual wellness or taking risks in our lives that put us in danger in some way, we may have put ourselves on a path to destruction, slowly declining and descending down to a place we may not be able to return from. We hold the key to our own well-being, and it takes some rigorous honesty, and humility, to really look at the decisions we’re making and the life we’re living. Are you doing what you can to live your best life, or have you been choosing suicide by installment?

SLAY OF THE DAY: Looking back at your life, do you feel you’ve made choices and decisions that serve you best? Do the choices you make support your health and your growth? If not, why not? What can you do to change that? Have you changed the way you’ve lived your life to reflect more positive choices? What have you done? How have you noticed these changes in your life? Do you feel that you’ve been making choices that have harmed you or lead you down a negative path? How have you done this? Are you still doing this? What can you do to stop this behavior? Do you care about yourself and the direction of your life? If not, why not? You matter, I believe you do, but you need to believe it too. Share your truth with someone you trust and be open to finding solutions to improving your life. Change starts with willingness, be willing to look at your actions and choices for what they truly are and see the path that you are on for what it is. Does the path you’re on reflect who you are and where you want to be? If not, get off that path and find the one that will lead you to your best self. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

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