willingness

Searching For Love

I’ve been spending time with family this week, my fiance’s family, a family I’m enjoying getting to know more and more, and we’ve been talking a lot about love and life. As I plan for my wedding, a big milestone, and a celebration of love, it brings up a lot of emotions, for us, as a couple, and for family and friends who are on this journey with us. We’ve had some spontaneous beautiful moments that all center around love. Our conversations have often gone to memories of new beginnings, of birth, of heartfelt moments, and endings, but through it all, the through line to all of those moments and memories is love. We look for love, are attracted to love and, hopefully, give love. There’s a reason why so my songs have been written about it, and according to The Beatles, “Love Is All You Need.” We probably need more than just love, but love is the center of most things we do, it is something that motivates us, challenges us, and for some of us, something we are constantly searching for.

I had a friend share with me a near death experience she had, she described it in detail, but what has always stayed with me is her describing how she felt in the place her soul went, she said to me, the only way to describe how I felt where was was love, but that doesn’t even come close to the feeling, she said, what I felt doesn’t exist here on earth, and I think we are always searching for it, and the closest thing we have here is love. I think we do always look for love, or gravitate toward it, and why not, for the most part, it feels great, to give it and receive it, but the love I’ve found for myself is the love that allows me to fully enjoy the love around me.

For most of my life I hated myself, there was no love, I was full of anxiety and self-hatred for who I thought I was and that dominated my thoughts and actions. That self-hatred stood in the way of most true love that I had in my life because I didn’t believe I deserved it. I loved to the best of my ability, but I only let it get so far out of fear I wasn’t good enough or it would be taken away. When I made the commitment to get well I was faced with that self-hatred and told I had to learn to love myself, the voices in my head screamed, YOU CAN’T! But anything is possible when we are willing, and with a determination to get well I set out to find the love within myself. It was difficult at the start, I was at a place where I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror, never mind find things within myself to love, but was challenged, each day, to find those things, or on many days, just one thing, to start. And like anything, the most difficult task is always to start, but as I started to shift my focus from the bad to the good, I slowly started finding more things to love about myself, and it was slow, but it happened. I had to be mindful, and still do, each day to keep my heart in a place of gratitude, because that was, and is, where my love comes from, and grows.

As human beings we seem to be on the search for love most often, we instinctively gravitate toward it, when we are able to find it in ourselves or except it from others. And perhaps there is something to my friend’s story, I’ve heard similar stories from others, that we, deep in our souls, search for it because it brings us closer to what we know, to God, or a spiritual connection, or to a place we feel safe.

Open yourself to love, and find the love within yourself, appreciate that love and who you are, and share that love with others. Love really can heal, it can perform miracles, and it can bring joy to even those who just witness it. Spread your love today. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you able to find the love within yourself? If not, why not? If yes, how do you find it and what does it feel like for you? Have you always had this love or have you had to go seeking it within? How did you do that? If you haven’t found love within yourself, how can you, today, begin looking for it? How do you feel when you receive it? Or, give it? Focus on that feeling SLAYER, and look for that love inside yourself, it may just start with you imagining how it feels with others and imagining that within. It starts with a spark and if you continue to feed it, that spark becomes a burning flame.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Be willing to do, willing to create a positive result.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Willingness Opens The Door

Willing To Be Willing

When I stepped on this path there were a lot of changes I wanted to make, and, a lot of things I wished to be removed that I knew were standing in my way of becoming the person I wanted to be, but, some of those things, even though I knew they were standing in my way, I was still holding onto, stubbornly clinging to them for dear life. It seemed like a lot to shed everything at once, even though those things I was needing to let go of hadn’t worked for me, in fact, had brought me to my knees in pain, agony and desperation, some things were still difficult to part with at the beginning of my journey.

I started with the things I knew I could let go first, changes I knew I could take, there were obvious ones that had to go immediately if I was going to make any progress, it felt good to let those go, still a bit scary because they were what I knew, but they had brought me to a place that was even scarier, so those were easier to drop. In their place I had to replace new habits, new thinking and a new way of life that was going to get me on a better path, but there were still those habits or character traits I would cling onto like a lifeboat out in this new ocean of uncharted waters, things I knew I had to let go, or change, but had, I thought, served me well, up until that point. The truth was, I had to do a major overhaul, and pretty much scrap everything if I was to to get better, but some of those things were easier to scrap than others. When we experience trauma, we typically get into “survival mode” or a fight or flight mentality, and that becomes our new normal, we live in that place because no one has told us we can turn it off, we think we have to stay there to protect ourselves when in fact it starts to get in the way of us growing, learning, forging new relationships, or even nurturing the ones we have, it actually fences us off from the world around us and our world becomes very small. It takes time to tear down those walls and fences and start to come out from, what we think, is the safety of them, and sometimes that starts with just the being willing to be willing, we may not be ready to do it, but if we are willing to be willing to do it, that will get us moving in the right direction. Willingness was the key to my freedom, I’ve written about that before, willingness was like a flashlight in the darkness, if I followed it’s beam it was going to bring me into the light. And it did.

Sometimes we may feel we are ready to change, to do the work to get us from where we are to where you want to be, or know we can be, but there may be obstacles we put in our own way. We don’t have to clean house all in one day, but at least be willing to be willing to get rid of those obstacles when we feel we can, that already loosens them from around us so that one day we may become willing to let them go, or cut the chains that tie us to them. We do what we can each day, not judging ourselves or comparing ourselves to others, we may be on the same path as others, but we all walk at our own pace. Find it in your heart today for the willingness to be willing to let go what no longer serves you so that you can focus on becoming and being who you truly are and are meant to be. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you hang onto things that you know get in your way of what you want and who you want to be? Why do you do this? Do you think it helps you to hang on? Do you realize it harms you? How does it harm you? What can you do to let go of something that is standing in your way of your own happiness? If it was removed from your path, what would it help you to do for yourself? Imagine it already has SLAYER, find some time to sit quietly and envision letting go of what stands in your way and you already being free of it, see how that will improve your life, feel it, and remember what that looks and feels like as you find the willingness to let go of what’s blocking you from being your best you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Sometimes it takes an incredible breakdown to have an incredible breakthrough.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Humility

Humility Coming From Pain

I know for me, it took a lot of pain before I found any humility, it actually took me getting knocked down to me knees, time and time again, until I finally surrendered. Up until that point, I thought I knew better, knew what was best for me, and usually, what was best for you too. My ego kept me sick, and it kept me from having meaningful honest relationships in my life. I was never going to find or see a solution when my ego was running the show, and it was my ego that nearly cost me my life. Humility is where we’re teachable, it’s where the light comes in and the healing can start. It’s that place where we give ourselves permission to ask for help, and where we find the willingness to do the work to find peace. Why do we put ourselves through so much pain until we are able to find humility?

I used to think that humility meant weakness. That it meant I couldn’t fail or make excuses for myself, that I had to have it all figured out, and be successful in everything I did. Now that is one tall order I was never going to live up to, no one could. And, not at all what humility actually is. I also used to confuse humility with self-deprecation. I would tell myself I was being humble but really just putting myself down or not taking credit for a compliment or appreciation of a job well done. That was as close to humility as I ever got, self-abuse to beat my ego down for a moment before it inflated back up to it’s super-sized proportion.

When set out on a path of recovery, I was told I needed to stay right-sized. That struggle inside of me of thinking I knew everything but that I was also a piece if crap didn’t know what to do with that. What size was right? I needed to find some humility and figure it out.

The first step of humility for me was asking for help. A phone call that opened the door, and it was from that step that I was able to find some humility from there, but it took some work to get my ego “right-sized” and admit that not only did I not know everything, I probably knew very little. In fact, considering where I found myself, I probably didn’t know much of anything in that moment. That was scary, but also exciting, to know that, if I let myself, I was about to embark on a new way of life that was going to teach me how to live in a healthier happier way. I had to push that ego aside over and over, as being teachable was the most important thing I needed to get better, and still is today. I needed to look at my part of things, and my part was all over the misery and heartache I had felt in my past, and learn to forgive myself and not blame others for my mistakes and choices that had gotten me to that place. I had to learn what true humility was, and I had to learn that when I let my ego run the show again that the only result was pain, pain that would eventually bring me back to humility.

We don’t have to wait for pain to push us to humility, but for many of us that’s what it takes. Sometimes a lot of pain. I am grateful that I was able to endure the pain I was to find my humility, and that I have learned over the years what true humility is and how to use it properly in my life. I know today that we are all important, and what we say, feel and do has the same level of importance and worth, we are all here to contribute and to share who we are and what we are, the best of what we have to offer, but none of us are better than any other, we are all here to learn, to grow, and, to remain teachable, because if we lose that teachability we probably setting ourselves up for more pain. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Has pain lead you to humility in your life? How so? What pain of you caused yourself with your lack of humility? Do you consider humility a bad thing? Why is that? How have you seen humility be a positive attribute in your life or the life of others? What can you do to find more humility in your life? No human being knows everything, and what we do know is limited to our perspective and experience, it is important to always remain open to new ideas and concepts, as well as the knowledge that there the world is much bigger than what we see everyday. We all have a great contribution to make, to share our best selves, but no one’s contribution is better than anyone else’s if it comes from your true self and shared from our heart.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER!  The mind is like a parachute, it only works when it’s open.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Negative Actions

H.O.W. – Honesty, Open-Mindedness, Willingness

Before walking this path, I constantly asked myself how.

How did I let things get this bad? How had I lost control of my life? How could I stop the pain?

What I didn’t realize was that the answer was in the question itself: H.O.W.—Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness.

It was right in front of me the whole time. I just wasn’t ready to see it.

The Missing Ingredient

Back then, I wasn’t practicing any of those things. I was stubborn. I wasn’t being honest about my part in my suffering. And I wasn’t willing to change.

I had to fall a lot further before I finally landed on my knees and asked for help. That pain—the kind I had a hand in creating—was the very thing that pushed me to take action. Once I committed to getting better, I was told I had to live by H.O.W.

To get rigorously honest. To stay open to new ways of doing things. To be willing to do the work.

It didn’t all come at once. Sometimes willingness was all I had—and that was enough to begin. Because willingness almost always leads to action, and action leads to change.

A Lifelong Practice

Today, I still check in with myself using H.O.W. I ask:

  • Am I being honest about where I am?
  • Am I open to the next right step?
  • Am I willing to take action even when it’s uncomfortable?

Because here’s the truth: we don’t graduate from this work. We stay in it. We grow from it. And we live better because of it.

You Already Have the Answer

No matter where you are on your journey, ask yourself: Are you living with H.O.W.?

Are you stuck somewhere because it feels comfortable—or because you think it’s where you deserve to be?

When you get honest about your answers, stay open to new perspectives, and become willing to act, you can change your entire life.

H.O.W. isn’t just a tool. It’s the roadmap.

You hold the key. SLAY on.

SLAY Reflection: What’s Your H.O.W. Check-In?

  • Do you keep asking how you got to where you are—and how to break the cycle?
  • Are you being truly honest about your patterns and choices?
  • How open are you to doing things differently—even if it’s unfamiliar?
  • What small action can you take today with willingness at the center?
  • What would your life look like if you really leaned into H.O.W.?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one way you can practice honesty, open-mindedness, or willingness this week?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s ready for change but doesn’t know where to start, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a roadmap—and a nudge.

Does Happy Hurt Your Hurt?

We all have the choice to be happy, to find the good in any situation, or at least something to take away from it, to learn, to not dwell in the negative but strive to find happiness, even in situations that didn’t favor us, or turn out the way we would have wanted. Happiness is always a choice. But, have we put so much time into our hurt that happiness hurts our hurt? Are we not willing to let our hurt go? Has it become our identity, who we are, something we wear like a badge of honor? There are those of us out there that it is.

For me I used to wear my hurt like a dark cloak, I used it to hide behind and I used to protect me from more hurt, or so I thought. What it did was keep me in the darkness, and it kept me isolated from people, and when I wasn’t connecting with the people in my life I was left with only listening to the lies my head was telling me and I sank deeper into my hurt. I put a lot of time into that hurt, many years of work had gone into it, so when I made the choice to get better and live in the light, it was hard to say goodbye to it. It was a place that felt safe to me, even though I knew it was killing me. I knew that place, I thought I deserved that place, and I knew no one else could come into that place and find me. When I was finally able to reach out for help, when I began to share my hurt with those around me, I realized that there were many people who shared similar hurts, who were living in similar places, and were fighting similar battles, I wasn’t alone, but, was I ready to shed my hurt?

My hurt had become my identity, and I used to it to my advantage when I thought I could. I used it to manipulate, to gain sympathy, to lower people’s expectations of me so that I could disengage in life, but also still get what I wanted. I was a walking contradiction most of the time, I thought I was a piece of crap who deserved only bad things, but I also thought I was better than you. So essentially, the most unique, most incredible piece of crap you were every going to meet. Think about that. And try imagine living in that space. Some of you know that space. It was pure torture. Torture I was administrating to myself.

When I stepped on this path, I’ve said this before, I outed myself to everyone in my life. I called them and told them everything I had been doing and I explained to them what I was planning to do to get better. It was scary, I didn’t know how people were going to react, but my life depended on me lifting back the curtain and sharing my truth. What did happen was an outpouring of love and support. Of understanding. Of friends sharing their stories with me, stories I had never heard because I had never bothered to ask. I realized that we all have hurt, but it’s what we decide to do with it that sets us apart.

Our hurt is not who we are. It’s not the best of us. We all deserve to be happy, or find our happy, and know that that looks different for everyone. And yes, our happy will hurt our hurt, and it should, because our hurt is hurting us. In some cases, killing us, it was killing me. Let the happy in, or find it, look for it, and let it kill your hurt, let it die, it’s not who you are, not at your best. Your hurt is from the past, it is not your present unless you let it be, you have the power to stop it. Find your light, shine bright, and let it take away all the shadows and darkness in your life, let your hurt go, because when you do, there’s a whole beautiful world waiting for you on the other side, I know, because I’m there right now. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let your hurt define you? Are you afraid to let it go? What frightens you? When you think of yourself, what do you think about? How would you describe yourself? How would you like to describe yourself? Why can’t you? What actions can you take so that you are able to describe yourself that way? What can you do this week to allow more light into your life and let go of your hurt? Do it SLAYER, let it go, and let your true self shine for all of us to see, nothing is worth dimming your light, especially those things from our past we cannot change. Live for today, live in this moment, and live for yourself. Choose to be happy. Choose to be you. Choose to be bright.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Always remain teachable.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Learn

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER!  It can be scary to begin, to make changes in your life, and start a new path, but the willingness to try is your key to freedom, just the act of being willing opens the door to a whole new world, and your willingness will help you take each step as you walk towards the life and goals you dream of.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Willingness