resentment

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Close your eyes, clear your heart, let it go.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!
Prisoner

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Holding onto your past is hurting your future.

New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Stop Keeping Track

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Forgive yourself as many times as it takes to find peace.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Forgive Yourself Didn't Know

You Can Forgive Yourself Now

When I was newly on my path I was asked to write down all the people that had harmed me, I, being in victim mode at the time, vigorously got to work, this was my chance, I thought, to point out how I had been wronged and getting it all down on paper was going to justify the place where I had found myself. When I was done I read it out loud, feeling good about my list and all of those on it, now the truth was going to come out I thought. When I was done the question was asked of me, why aren’t you on the list? The comment was made, you should be at the top of your list, you did the most damage to yourself. That hit me like a ton of bricks. What? Had this person not just heard my list of dastardly people who had all such horrible things to me? What did I have to do with that? Well, as it turns out, a lot. I had spent so much time playing the victim that I had totally lost sight that I played a role in most of what I was angrily carrying around. In fact, unless we are children, or the victim of a random crime, we always have a part. Taking responsibility for that part seemed like a daunting task.

For me, I had to tackle it as a fact-finding mission. What were the patterns of my past? And, boy where they there. When I saw it all on paper it was very obvious where my behavior was wrong time and time again. But instead of beating myself up for it, I had to learn to forgive myself and move on. It was pointed out to me that for most of my wrongdoing I did not know better, and for the times I did, I was doing the best I could at that time, not to make excuses for my behavior, but to find a way to not resent myself for it. We all can only do what we can with the tools we have, and if we don’t have the right tools, or any, we can’t fault ourselves for past decisions. Even if we do have the right tools, that doesn’t always mean we’ll use them, or use them in the right way. This is where forgiveness comes into play. Learning to forgive yourself is an integral part of self-love, of having healthy relationships in your life and to stop repeating the past. When we learn from our past, forgive ourselves for what may have gone wrong, we can let it go and move past it. And when we love ourselves we stop doing things and associating with people who don’t honor that love. Forgiveness is the key to all of those things we want and when we don’t understand why we don’t.

Learning to forgive ourselves may be the most difficult thing we do, especially for those of us that have carried that guilt and self-hatred around like a badge of honor. Let it go, let it all go and forgive yourself, and make part of that forgiveness a living amends to yourself by not repeating the past, by learning from those mistakes or events that you carried guilt around for, vow to work to not repeat those same mistakes, and even if you do, use that as a learning moment and move on. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, allow yourself to make them and forgive yourself for the ones of your past. In doing so, you will open the door to your own freedom. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you harbor a lot of shame, guilt or self-hatred towards yourself for your past? If so, how do you do this? How does this harm you? Why do you do this? Do you point fingers at others and have a difficult time seeing your part in these relationships or events? Why do you think that is? What if you looked for your part? When we look at our past it allows us to see the patterns of our behaviors, to see where we keep making the same choices that are getting us results we don’t want. Use those old mistakes as a learning tool and forgive yourself for the choices of your past, turning those old tools that did not work into ones that do.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

It’s Got To Me To Set It Free

I was with a group of ladies yesterday who I regularly see and the topic of resentments came up. Always a crowd pleaser. We had talked about things that may have happened to us as children. As an adult I’ve learned to always look for my part when I am disturbed, angry or have a resentment, and as tough as it may be to swallow at times, my part is always in there. But as a child, you typically don’t have a part, things just happen to you. And what we talked about is that, even though there may be things that happened to us as children, where we had no part, many of us, myself included, then carried out behaviors into our adult life as a result of what happened to us, to either punish that person, punish others in our lives, or even ourselves. That is where we have a part.

I remember when that was pointed out to me as I was early in my journey of recovery, it was like a cold slap in the face. That, the initial act itself was not my self, but what I did following that certainly was. It was in that moment that all of those many years I thought of myself as a victim of certain events I had then used that pain to hurt, manipulate and control others. So, now, not only was a holding a resentment against the person from the original act, I was acting out that same behavior and now had a resentment for myself.

I was told that the center of all my resentments was myself. I had to see me in them to set them free, or, to set myself free. I’ve talked about resentments before, and about taking responsibility for our parts, and that that was the key for releasing that resentment, but this goes further back, and to set of resentments I remember thinking I could legitimately feel and had played no part in. At the end of the day, we’re always responsible for our part, even if we truly were a victim of someone else’s act or behavior, but it’s what we do after that act where our part kicks in, and it’s within that part where we can continually relive, rehash and renew that hurt and anger by perpetuating it ourselves. That is our part. And, the only way to set it free is to recognize what we’re doing, or have done, and find forgiveness for it, for ourselves and for the person who initially was the one who mistreated you.

We all have our own sickness, or struggles, and once I was able to identify and find forgiveness in myself for mine, it was easier to find some compassion for those who have wronged me in the past. I was able to see myself, my own struggles, in theirs, and though it might not make what they had done right, neither was my behavior following that initial event. How could I judge someone else when my side of the street was littered with similar garbage?

As they say, “the truth will set you free.” Find the courage to be open and honest with yourself about how you may have contributed to your own pain and suffering, pinpoint what you have done, and trace it back to see where it all began, and why, it’s within that investigation, that fact-finding and hopefully forgiveness, that you may find yourself free from the resentments of your past, and, may just find yourself on a path of compassion and understanding. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to hold grudges and keep resentments? Of those resentments, do any of them stem from your childhood? What are they? How have you over the years used, or taken, what was done to you and used to manipulate, hurt or harm others, either intentionally or not? How have you done this? Can you see your part in this, and how your part has kept your resentment alive, possibly, years after the initial event? What can you do today to let it go? What can you do today to admit what and where your part is and was? What can you do today to find forgiveness for yourself and your actions? It’s starts with you, set yourself free by owning your part, and taking back your power today.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Anger is like acid, it can do more harm where it is stored than where it’s poured.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Makes You Happy

Are You On Your Resentment List?

When I was on the path of recovery I was told to make a list of all the people who I thought had harmed me. I vigorously started writing. When I was asked to read it aloud, I was asked why I wasn’t on that list. I stopped and thought about that. I wanted to point the finger at everyone else for the pain and anger I felt, but when I thought about it honestly, no one had caused me more pain than myself, and I had a lot of anger toward myself for not being good enough, in my eyes, so why was I so quick to point the finger elsewhere? It was part of my sickness, that part that uses other things to distract me from what’s really going on. My disease wants to me think everyone else is to blame, because as long as I am pointing the finger outward I’m not going to look inward for a solution. On the flip-side, I also couldn’t focus on myself on that resentment list as a way to bash myself further. I had to find a way to use it to heal and to be accountable for my own actions.

I had always resented myself. In my eyes, I had always failed at being who I wanted to be or thought I should be. I never measured up in my eyes. I spent my life with almost unattainable expectations of myself and when I didn’t meet them I would mentally and verbally beat myself up. I not only resented myself, I hated myself for most of my life. But you would never know it. Outside of some self-deprecating comments, I put on a brave face and an air of “I’m fine,” while I was slowing rotting from the inside from my self-hatred. I talk about “my disease,” it wasn’t until I sought out help that I realized I had one, mental illness is cunning and it hid itself in my life from as far back as I can remember. Learning that I had an illness helped me to find some understanding, and eventually some acceptance and forgiveness for myself. It also helped me to find some new tools to live a life that I can be proud of, and one where I would take responsibility for my actions, instead of pointing my finger elsewhere. I don’t resent myself today, nor do I resent those other people who were on my list back then, because I know that for the most part, I played a part in those relationships, circumstances or altercations I was so upset about, and for those I had no part in, I could see that those people were, and are, fighting their own sicknesses and illnesses, and I can, today, find some compassion there, and in some cases, even relate to their struggle.

Beating ourselves up for past mistakes, or for being less than what we think we should be doesn’t make things any better, it never will, all it will do is keep us down, keep us sick, and keep us from reaching our full potential. Learning to love ourselves is the greatest gift we can offer to our heart and our spirit, finding those things we love about ourselves and celebrating that, not what we don’t like. Find more of what you do like, find the good in you and what makes you you, what makes you special, and you are special SLAYER, we all are in our own way, reach deep inside and find the light that is your special light and let it shine, not only out in the world to share with others, but shine it back at you and heal your hurt. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you resent yourself? If so, why? Do you have resentments towards others? Why? What, within those resentments, did you play a part in? If you had no part, can you identify the sickness in those people that may have caused them to act a certain way? Has an illness affected the way you’ve acted, is there something you’re struggling with and working to overcome? We all have our own battles SLAYER, it is important to love ourselves through our difficulties and also those around us, to find some understanding of what others may also be struggling with, and to not engage and put ourselves in situations that may harm us, or others, because it’s something we want or are trying to force into happening. Honor yourself, and those around you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

People Aren’t Against You, They’re For Themselves

That may sound pretty harsh, but it’s not as harsh as it sounds. We all have busy lives, lives with many working components, we juggle many things each day and try to find our own sense of balance. And, just as we are doing that, so is everyone else. Each of us is doing the best we can with what we have. And, some days, we are feeling we’re short. If we need help we should ask for it, but that doesn’t mean the person we ask has to drop everything to run to our aid.

I used to pride myself on not asking for help, to fault, because I would get myself into situations, alone, that I wouldn’t have found myself had I just asked someone for a hand. But off I would go, stubborn, thinking I could do it without having to ask anyone to help me. When I started to walk on this path, and started practicing self-care and self-love, I was taught that it was OK to ask for help, I had to take a deep breath there, because that went against everything in me to do, but I set out to try to practice healthier behaviors and when I felt I should, I asked for help. Seeing as this was still new, and not quite having all the tools I have today, I had an expectation when I asked for help. I expected whomever I asked to jump to it and make themselves available right way when I asked, because, they should know it wasn’t easy for me to ask and to help me learn and grow they should show up and do their part. Wrong attitude. The second part of learning that new behavior was accepting what came back, and sometimes that was that they couldn’t help me right away, or, at all. The old me then would pipe up and say that that was why I never asked before, because no one was going to help anyway, but I had to get past that, ask if there was a good time for them to help, or if not, say it was OK and move to someone else, and when I say move on, meant it, and not linger in a resentment. All of that took time, and practicing doing it over and over. It mostly meant realizing that the people in my life where not there to serve or be at my beck and call, they also had lives and were just as busy I was, maybe even more so, and, they weren’t spending their days wondering what I was going to need or how they could help me. All fair.

We sometimes forget that, just like we’re busy, so are others, and even though something is very important to us it likely won’t have the same importance for someone else, just as what is important to them may not be important to us. But, as SLAYERS, we can show up where we can for others, and ask others to do the same when we need them, but also understand if they are not able to at that exact moment, they’re not out to sabotage you, they’re just taking care of their own needs and lives. It’s not an us vs. them situation, what it should be is us all living our lives and helping each other when we are able to, that way we are all growing and sharing when when we can and it’s coming from an organic loving place. When we are able to live that way we have less conflict and disappointment, and we are not only honoring who we are, but respecting those around us as they walk their journey and we walk ours. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have trouble asking for help? What stops you? Have you had bad experiences in the past? Or were you taught, or told, you shouldn’t ask for help? Who told you that? Why did they tell you that? Was that based in fact or a story they told you, or maybe one you told yourself? What has been the result of asking for help in the past? Is there a way you can improve how you’re asking for help, or who you’re asking? List the ways how. Do you expect people to drop everything and help you immediately? Why do you think they should? Do you respect the people in your life and their time? If not, why not? You should SLAYER, each of us has their own lives to live, we are all busy, take into consideration someone else’s time, as you would expect them to take in consideration yours, and when someone isn’t available right away, ask them when they can be, or if they can at all, if they can’t, ask someone else, it’s not that they’re working against you, they’re just working for themselves at that time, and that doesn’t mean they won’t be there for you another time. One no isn’t the end of the world, it just means you are meant to ask someone else who is meant to help you in that time of need. So keep asking, you’ll find the right person.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

It’s OK To Say No

I’ve written before that is it’s OK to be sad, it’s OK to not be OK, it’s OK to ask for help, it’s OK to say you don’t know, but it’s also OK to say no.

Before stepping on this path I never wanted to say no, even if saying yes made me angry or uncomfortable, I wanted you to like me because then you wouldn’t ask so many questions, so I figured if I wouldn’t say no, I would stay in all of your good graces. Consequently I made a lot of plans I didn’t like, I agreed to help even when I didn’t have time, or really didn’t want to, but I never wanted to be seen as ‘the bad guy,’ because in my own mind, I was the worst of the worst of all bad guys, and agreeing and saying yes, I thought, hid that from all of you. I carried around a lot of resentment towards all those people that I was not saying no to, but the resentment I should have looked at was the one towards myself, the one that had me saying yes over and over to things I shouldn’t have.

I’m a firm believer that you should never say yes to something unless you want to. Sure, there are things you have to do, like taxes, but in life, unless you want to, and are not expecting anything in return, you should say no. Saying yes to things you don’t really want to do only breeds resentments. When we say yes to things we don’t want to we’re going against who we are and we’re not being our true selves. We may say yes to look good to others, to get something in return, or even to get the credit for our good deed, but none of these reasons are reasons to say yes. And, all of these reasons will produce a resentment if the desired result isn’t received.

So, make it easy on yourself. Say yes if you want to say yes, and say no if you want to say no. It’s OK to say no. Typically I like to give an explanation if I say no, my reasoning for it, because people aren’t usually used to saying no and no can be quite jarring to some people, especially to those people who you’ve constantly been saying yes to. Be true to who you are, and honest, and only say yes when you truly want to say yes, and, don’t be afraid to say no. This also goes back to my blog Are You A People Pleaser? People-pleasers do not follow their heart, or what they want to do, they do what everyone else wants them to do, or, what they think they do. We, as SLAYERS, follow our heart, we help out where and when we can, but not at our own detriment, we are open, honest, and we look for ways to be of service, because we want to, period. No other other reason, no other motive. And, if you don’t want to do it, or can’t, it is OK to say no.

What’s your motivation for saying yes? And, should a lot of those yes’s really be no’s?

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have trouble saying no? Why? What are you afraid of? Where you told that you shouldn’t or can’t say no? To whom? Is this someone from your childhood? How did it make you feel when you were told you couldn’t say no? How do you feel about it now? What if you did say no, what do you think will happen? What’s the worst that could happen? Is that possible result worse than you not being true to yourself? When was the last time you said no? How did it feel? When was the last time you said yes when you would have rather had said no? How did that feel? SLAYER the only person you need to be true to is you, when you take action and it is of pure intentions, then you will never be disappointed, because no matter what the result, you did what you wanted to without expecting anything in return. So, no matter what happens, your actions were true to who you are, and what you intended to do. Be true to yourself, always, SLAYER, do what you want to do, say yes to new things, but it’s also OK to say no, when it’s not right, or you feel that saying yes will compromise your true you. Be honest SLAYER, and never be afraid to speak your truth, even if it is a no. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you