path

Losing Touch With Who You Used To Be

I’m often reminded of who I used to be. Gratefully, I get many chances to share my story of where I came from with people like myself, who are on this same path, or just beginning their journey, and it’s in sharing what I used to be like that I realize how far away I am from the woman I was. I am relieved, as she was in a lot of pain and suffered a lot at by her own hand, but she’s still a part of me and the reason I work each day to keep her in the past.

It’s important to remember where we’ve come from, how much we’ve changed, and the work it’s taken to get where we are right now, and the more we focus on the good, on this moment, the here and now, the more we let go our painful past and those parts of us we had to let go to get to this place. It feels good to feel so far away from who I used to be, but I’m also reminded that if I don’t take care of myself, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, that woman, from the past starts to creep back into the present. She’ll never go away, and there’s a part of me that knows it’s important that she doesn’t, so I don’t forget the woman I’ve worked so hard to leave behind. But the more I live as my true self, the me of today, the more I let go of her and lose touch with that me and focus on my life today, a life I can be proud of.

When I was in my disease, and who I used to be, I never imagined the me of today was possible, all I saw was darkness and those things I hated about myself. The negative bullshit committee in my head would tell me that my life was never going to get any better and neither was I. Life seemed so bleak, without any light, and I wasn’t so sure I even worthy of the light, and so I kept sliding back into the darkness. I thought, who I was kept me safe, but what it did was kept me isolated and away from a solution. I identified with who I was, I knew her and I suppose, I hid behind her when life felt too overwhelming or I didn’t want to feel what I was feeling. It was hard to let her go, she was the me I had known most of my life, the me I had grown up with and the me I thought I’d always be, but there was a new me waiting on the other side of humility, courage and hope. Slowly, as I began to build who I am today, I let go of who I used to be, and she, over time, melted into the background.

We get to choose who we are, and if we don’t like who we’ve become, we can do the work to change. It may take some help, it certainly did for me, a lot of it, but with love and support from those who were walking the same walk I was on, and some professionals, I was able to let go and let the love surround me until I felt safe, and from that place of safety I was able to change, a little at a time. You can too. It is within our power to lose touch with who we were as we become or focus on who we are meant to be, to let go of old ideas and concepts that no longer serve us, or never did, to forge a new way of life that let’s our heart and soul shine. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Have you lost touch with who you used to be? How have you done that? What have you done to change? Why did you make those changes? How did those changes allow you to let go of the old you? What parts of the old you do you still cling to? Should you let them go? How can you work on letting them go? What are you most proud of today of who you’ve become? Focus on that SLAYER, those qualities that make you you and allow you to be your best self, and keep challenging yourself to find more of those qualities, the more we focus on our positive attributes, the more we find, until soon, we no longer feel the need to hang on to who we used to be.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Loneliness Is Curable

If someone had told me that my loneliness was curable before stepping on this path I would have laughed. I had always felt lonely, even in a big room full of people. I always felt apart from everyone else, different, and those feelings kept me from connecting with others. I always had friends, and had several long-term romantic relationships, but I never really let anyone in completely, fearing that what they would find in me they wouldn’t like, because I didn’t like myself on the inside. That feeling of loneliness was always present in my day-to-day life. What I didn’t realize is that I held the key to that loneliness, I could let people in and find a peace and love in myself to wipe out the loneliness I felt.

Just as we hold the key to most of our suffering, we hold the key to our recovery from our past. For me, I found a way to connect with a spiritual way of life, to find a belief in something greater than myself. That took some time, even though I had always believed there was something out there, I was told it was up to me to find something that I could connect to and nurture a relationship with. I set out to find something that wanted the best for me, that was there to guide me and watch out for me, and I started to talk and connect with that idea. That alone wasn’t enough, but it was a great start. As that connection grew stronger I started to feel less alone, and that along with making an effort to connect with others like myself, who were on a similar path, those feelings of loneliness started to subside. It wasn’t always easy at the start, to reach out to people I didn’t really know, but it helped to focus on our commonality and those things I knew we shared and when I was able to do that asking someone to meet for a coffee or for their phone number became less scary, and as I did that and formed new friendships and relationships my life got richer and fuller. I still maintained many of the friendships from before, but it helped to form new ones with people who understood the journey I was on.

We, many times, impose our own loneliness, we sentence ourselves to be alone, because we may not feel worthy, or may not like ourselves or convince ourselves we don’t deserve to have good people in our lives, we do, but we have to believe we do and then set out to form those friendships. And, if you live in a smaller community where it’s more difficult to find people like yourself, find them online, find groups or fandoms that you can relate to, and that have common interests, goals or ways of life that coincide with yours. They’re out there. There are so many ways to cure your loneliness, all it takes is some effort on your part, no matter where you find yourself, no matter what interests or excites you, there are people just like you who will not only accept you, but embrace you, so let them know you’re out there and invite them in. Your loneliness is within your control, take your power back and let yourself live as your true self, allowing others to celebrate who you are along with you. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel lonely? When do you feel lonely? Why do you think you feel lonely? Have you always felt lonely, or was there a specific time or event that started your loneliness? Do you feel like there is something missing from your life? If so, what is it? Are you able to identify it? Do you have a spiritual belief or relationship in your life? If so what is it? When you connect with something greater than yourself, do you feel less lonely? Does connecting with it give you comfort or make you feel more confident? Do you have trouble making new friends, or seeking out new people with similar interests or a similar journey? If not, why not? What gets in your way? Find the courage, SLAYER, to reach out those like yourself if you’re feeling alone, work on engaging with those people and find a commonality with them you can connect to. You can cure your own loneliness, but it takes work, so get to work and kick loneliness to the curb!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Your Scars May Be Someone Else’s Hope

When I was living in my disease I used to think I was too damaged to be loved. I thought that if I let someone in, truly in, they would see my scars and see how ugly I was. When I looked at myself, all I could see was the scars, and I worked really hard to pretend everything was OK in the hopes that you wouldn’t notice them. What I didn’t realize was the longer I kept trying to hide them, and hide my pain, the more scars I was accumulating, and the harder it was to hide them. It wasn’t until I sought help that I realized that my scars weren’t ugly, or something to be ashamed of, that they were just a part of my story, and my story, and my scars, may be able to not only help me, but may also be able to help someone else.

Scars prove we are survivors, warriors, they are what’s left when the wound is closed, it’s evidence the pain was there, but a sign that the healing can begin, or has already happened. They don’t make us ugly, or unlovable, in fact they can show the world just how beautiful we are, and how strong our spirit is. To still be standing, to overcome whatever obstacles we have had to to be here today is a show of our strength and our ability to overcome the suffering and to let that pain become one of our brightest assets because it didn’t break us. The fact that we’ve come so far despite the scars from our past allows us to shine a beacon of hope to those out there who are still suffering, I know this is true, because 13 years ago someone else’s beacon caught me in it’s ray of light and it showed me that there might be another way, a way to live in the light.

A large part of this journey for me was accepting those scars I could not see. Those scars that ran deep inside, and went back in time as far as I could remember. Those scars that would get in my way of friendships, relationships, commitments, dreams and ambitions. I had to learn to love those scars as well, and if I couldn’t, at least acknowledge them and learn from them as I stepped forward on this new path of light. Those scars were the ones I needed to share the most, as they needed the most light. And, the more I did share them the more I realized that there were many like me who had those same scars and I learned to find the beauty in them, and, in myself. I used to think of myself as a warrior because I was a fighter and I could get through things on sheer willpower alone, but that’s not what makes a warrior strong, it’s about knowing those weak places inside of us, loving those places, and moving forward anyway, overcoming those parts that aren’t strong, or we’re not proud of, and accepting them all, loving them all, sharing them all, and as we do those scars, those scars we used to think of as ugly, or things we should hide, become the most beautiful things about us because they show our strength, or character, our ability to survive, and we can use that to offer hope to those who still think they need to hide their scars. Our scars offer hope.  SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you try to hide those parts of yourself that you think are ugly? Why do you hide them? Why are you afraid to let people see them? Do you think other people don’t have the scars that you do? Even if some may not, the fact that you have overcome your obstacles, have lived through your scars, proves how strong and how much of a survivor you are, which is nothing to be ashamed of. Those things we have survived in our lives, those things we’ve overcome are what make us the most beautiful, not only because we’ve survived them, but because we can show others it’s possible, we can use those things we thought were the worst of us to show others it’s possible to not only live through difficult circumstances or events, but that we can use them to grow, to connect, and to thrive on the other side of them. I believe we survive, not only for ourselves, but to show others the way to stop hiding the scars and things we used to because we now know the beauty and value they hold today, and they remind us of where we’ve come from, and where you don’t ever want to return to again.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Are You Happy With The Consequences You’re Getting?

As we start the new year it’s a great time to do a check on where we’re at in our lives. To look at what we like, what we don’t, and to ask ourselves if we are happy with the consequences we are getting? As I have said many times at State Of Slay, our lives are what we make of them, they are the result of choices we are making and if we don’t like the results we have the power to change a lot of that if we make different choices. Now, there are always things that are out of our control, but even within those circumstances we do have a choices on how we react to those things. So, if we’re not liking the consequences you’re getting in your life, then you have the power to take different action, or, choosing a different reaction.

As I’ve said in previous blogs, before stepping on this path I believed that life was just something that happened to me. I didn’t think I had much say in how things went, and when things went badly, I always blamed someone else for the result. I also was making choices that could only result in bad consequences which allowed me to continue telling the narrative that I was a bad person who didn’t deserve good things. It wasn’t until I committed to working on self-love and living in the light that it was pointed out to me that I had more power than I thought in all of those things, in fact, I, in many situations, caused the negative outcome myself. It was tough to accept that at first, as it was much easier to point fingers and blame others for my misfortune, but once I was able to wrap my head around that, and, find forgiveness in myself for all those consequences, I realized that I had much more power than I ever thought. That, was something positive I could focus on. If I was able to cause so much chaos in my life, could I not use that same energy and power to now bring good into life? I found that I could, and I still do everyday.

We have the power to change much of what we don’t like in our lives, even if it’s just our attitude or perspective of what we don’t like, but many times it is our choices and actions that may be bringing us unfavorable results, and instead of wallowing in our unhappiness or feeling sorry for ourselves, we can choose to make better choices moving forward to produce different results. That’s pretty powerful. Life is not something that just happens to us, we carry much more power than we realize, and when we live our lives in the light, take positive action, give back when we can, and focus on the good, those are the things that come back to us. If we find ourselves in a negative place, we can look for one thing that is good, one positive thing, or one thing we can find gratitude for, that is a start, that is enough to set us in the right direction, and once we find that one thing, we can keep building from there, keep training ourselves to look for the good, the light, and we will find hope, and if you find yourself not able to find the hope in your life, use mine, use me as a light, and use my hope to show you that you too can come out of the darkness and take your power back, I did, and I know you can too. Shine on. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like you don’t have any power in your life? If not, why not? Why do you feel so powerless? Think about a situation you feel powerless against, what can you do, even small, to take positive action within that situation? Even if it’s just changing how you look at it, or realizing you do have some power, that is a positive step in the right direction, a step that could lead to bigger steps and eventually a better way of life. Write down an example when you have taken positive, or different, actions than you have and saw a more favorable result. Use that example to fuel your actions moving forward, and make a commitment to make positive choices and to use your power to create positivity in your life and create the life you see and want for yourself.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Waking Up And Nothing Has Changed, But Everything Is Different

I have had a number of these moments in my life. And I’m grateful for all of them.

We see things when we’re ready to, or when we’re ready to take action, or capable of taking the right action, or, sometimes when we find ourselves at a crossroads and realize what road we are meant to take, and we realize that we are no longer able to stay were we are. Nothing has changed in that moment of realization, but everything has changed. We see things differently. We see things clearly. And even though it can be a harsh awakening, it is the key to our freedom, or a new chapter in our life. There’s an excitement to it. There can be fear, as we embark on a new journey to perhaps unfamiliar places, and we may have to take action in unfamiliar ways, but we’re ready for them, and they’re ready for us.

It’s easy to live where we are and put blinders on to the rest of the world. To narrow our field of vision, to somehow make where we are OK, to ignore the signs we shouldn’t be there, or to continue to tell ourselves the lies we need to to keep ourselves there. But we know the truth. Deep down. That’s why our light grows dim, we know we are not being true to ourselves and our light can’t shine when we’re not living in our truth.

Sometimes it takes a big jolt to get us to see. Or sometimes it comes as a person, a message, a kind heart. But when it comes it lets the light in, it blows the dust off of those places we’ve let sit stagnant, and maybe stopped visiting for fear of the truth. But once we see we can’t ignore it. Everything changes, and to stay would be too painful, too costly, so we take the action we can, even if it’s small, just a step, we take it, and once we do we start to live in our truth, the light comes in, and we begin to live again. Or, maybe for the first time.

For me, the first time it happened it was when I started to live, truly, in my truth, I had lived most of my life presenting myself to the world the way I thought you wanted me to be, and as a result, I never really connected to anyone, or let anyone really see the real me. In fact, I didn’t actually know the real me because I was too busy being who I thought you wanted me to be. But when my eyes finally opened to the reality of my life and that I held the key to finding a better one, as frightened as I was about the unknown of the future, I had found my power in my actions, and as I took more action, my power got stronger, as did I. And that was the beginning of the person who is now typing this blog.

The last time it happened was not that long ago. My eyes were opened to a life that filled my heart with joy, and does, a life that allows me to be who I truly am, that celebrates that, and allows me to learn and grow in the safety of it’s authenticity. In that moment of realization, nothing had changed, but everything had, as I could no longer stay where I was knowing what I knew, and feeling what I felt, that knowledge and those feelings were so strong they propelled me forward to the place I am meant to be, a place of true love, a place of support, a place that is home. I am grateful that I had had those moments before, and because I had taken action and found positive results, I didn’t hesitate when it happened again, I trusted that I was being shown this for a reason and that I had to take a leap of faith to find out why.

When you wake up and find that everything looks different, even if you’re in the same place, take note of that, and take action to get yourself out of the place you are and in the place you are mean to be. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Have you ever felt like you woke up and everything looked different? Write down an example. What was the result of that? Did you make some changes? What changes did you make? Where there changes you didn’t make? What was the result? What stopped you from making them? Is it too late to make those changes today? Do it SLAYER, make any changes necessary to live as your best you, and, to live your best life. You have it in you, and if you forget, we’re right here to remind you as we live ours.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Meet Each Other Where We Are

When we’re not feeling our best, or that we’re the best we can be, or maybe even ashamed of where we find ourselves we tend to shy away from the people in our lives, and certainly from meeting new people. We may be drawn to people who are working to be their best selves, but don’t think we’re worthy of their time because we don’t feel good about where we are. That thinking can keep us from getting well, and prevent us from getting the support and understanding we made need to get well. When we have the same intentions, regardless of where we are on our own paths, we meet each other where we are and move forward from there. There is no perfect start time, the time is now, come as you are and I, and others will meet you there, as they are. It’s not about coming and joining in when things are ‘perfect,’ the time to come is now, in whatever place that finds you. You will find people who will love you regardless of where you are and will walk with you on your journey, as you do with theirs.

When you align yourself with people who are all working to be their best selves, doing the best they can each day, there is no judgment of who you are, where you’ve been, and where you find yourself today. There is only love. We all have to start somewhere, we all have to have that moment when we take that leap and trust we’re being led to something for a reason, it’s within that trust that you are enough, just as you are. And who you are today isn’t who you were yesterday, and who you won’t be tomorrow. So, let yourself be enough as you are today and never be ashamed of that.

We are all here to learn, to grow, and even if you might not be at the same place as those around you, you may not meant to be, each of our paths, or journeys, are our own, we can’t compare them to anyone else’s because we are all experiencing different things and are meant to do and learn different things. And no matter where we are on our path it’s where we’re meant to be, so join us right where you are, it’s perfect.

I’ve said before that we each have unique qualities, talents, or experiences to offer, we all have something to offer, even on our lowest of days, even when we think we have nothing, our honesty may just save someone else’s life who may feel like they have even less. Never doubt your worth, you have more than you realize, but we see it, and we appreciate it. So come and join us, we love you just as you are, and together we will all help each other through the dark times, through the difficult times, to better times. We are stronger together, and your honesty in who you are, your authenticity, will give you strength. We know what you may not already, that you are an incredible person with a beautiful spirit, and will help you see that in yourself. There is no waiting for the right time, the right time is now, and who you are right now, is perfect. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you shy away from connecting with people or sharing yourself with others because you think you are not good enough? What about yourself do you think isn’t good enough? What would you like to change? What can you do to change it? Why haven’t you changed it? Where do you think your feelings of not being good enough come from? Do they come from you, or someone around you? Are they because of current events or stories from your past? What can you do to get outside of those? How can you change those feelings? We all have stories we tell ourselves, most of them are just that, stories, not based in truth, or they may be based on what was said to us as children and we’ve adopted it into the fabric of who we are, never questioning it’s merit. Question it SLAYER, question all of those negative things you say and think about yourself, question whether they are based in fact, and question whether they are relevant today. What is relevant is that you find a way to forgive yourself for past mistakes, and focus on the future, the person you can be proud of, who may even be the person you are right now. We’ll meet you where you are, no matter where that is, and it will be beautiful.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

When Someone Inserts Their Sickness Into Your Life

We’ve all been there. Minding our business. Doing the best we can. Just trying to get by. When BAM, someone sucker punches us with something totally out of left field. Accusing us of things that aren’t true, or based in facts, claiming falsehoods, pointing fingers at us. I used to get angry. Vehemently defend myself. Engage with that person. Now I see it for what it is. Someone else’s sickness, or disease, seeping into my life. It doesn’t make it right, but it doesn’t mean I need to get sucked in to their drama and issues.

Most of the time when someone lashes out at us, accuses us of things that aren’t true, or bends the truth, it’s a sign that they are in distress. They are struggling with their own battle and instead of recognizing or looking at what may be causing their behavior, they look for a scapegoat to aim their frustrations on. They may not even know they’re doing it. But, when any of us has a problem, if we’re irritated, angry, jealous, fixated on someone else instead of looking within, that is our problem, and solely our problem to fix, unless someone has acted out toward us, it’s up to us to find out what the root of the issues are that we’re trying to mask by making it someone else’s problem.

I used to engage in this behavior a lot. Because back, before I was on this path, I always made myself the victim. In my eyes, everyone else had it easier than I did, and everyone was against me. And I was spiteful, oh yeah I was. If I felt you had wronged me I certainly didn’t want to see good things happening for you, and I spent a lot of energy finding out if they were, and then figuring out how to diminish your good fortune.

I don’t live like that today. Gratefully so. I am genuinely happy when good things happen for other people, even the people who may have wronged me. Because what I am responsible is my side of the street. And if I am doing what I can, to the best of my ability in each given moment, then I should be OK, regardless of what anyone else thinks I should be doing. No one else has a right to tell me I’m doing me wrong, because no one else knows me as well as me. Now, I certainly have people in my life who, when I’m not acting like I typically do, will call me out on my behavior, and I welcome that, I do the same for those I love and care about, we keep each other in check, but ultimately, no one else walks in my shoes each day, so no one can really know what it’s like to be me.

When someone inserts their sickness into my life it can be shocking, it typically seems to come out of nowhere. Because, for the most part, that other person has been sitting with their pain for long enough that it finally has to come out, and then there it is, right in your face. But it’s not my job to fix them. It is my job to share my truth, my side of things, and if the situation is right, perhaps suggest a conversation about it if one can be had in a respectful and productive way, otherwise, I will excuse myself from the situation entirely because I know it’s a situation I cannot win, it’s not set up to be played fair, it’s only meant to tear me down.

I understand, coming from a place where I practiced this behavior often, but today I live my life in the light, I am always open to have someone join me there, but will not step back into the darkness of my past and let my old behaviors take control and pull me down in the dark. I’ve worked far too hard to allow myself to do that. When someone inserts their sickness into your life, let it go. Make clear your side, make clear your intentions, but don’t engage with a fighter who has rigged the game in their favor. You have nothing to prove. You have nothing to gain. You only need to be you. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: If someone comes at you with accusations do you immediately come out fighting? Why do you feel you need to do that? How does that help you? How does that hurt you? What if you didn’t? What if you took a breath and thought about what might really be going on? Why the other person has chosen to come after you? And what their pattern of behavior has been with you up until this point? What their pattern of behavior has been with others up until this point. Start to paint a bigger picture than that moment. Once we take our ego out of it, and not take it personally, often we are able to see what is really going on, and typically what is really going on, has nothing to do with us. Stay on your side of the street, and keep it clean.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The greatest gift is when you’re able to bless someone else while walking through your own storm.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Shine

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Seek and you shall find. But somethings we are not meant to find when we are seeking. A quite mind always produces the answers we are looking for.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Still

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When things go wrong, don’t go with them.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Bad Things