We’ve all been there. Minding our business. Doing the best we can. Just trying to get by. When BAM, someone sucker punches us with something totally out of left field. Accusing us of things that aren’t true, or based in facts, claiming falsehoods, pointing fingers at us. I used to get angry. Vehemently defend myself. Engage with that person. Now I see it for what it is. Someone else’s sickness, or disease, seeping into my life. It doesn’t make it right, but it doesn’t mean I need to get sucked in to their drama and issues.
Most of the time when someone lashes out at us, accuses us of things that aren’t true, or bends the truth, it’s a sign that they are in distress. They are struggling with their own battle and instead of recognizing or looking at what may be causing their behavior, they look for a scapegoat to aim their frustrations on. They may not even know they’re doing it. But, when any of us has a problem, if we’re irritated, angry, jealous, fixated on someone else instead of looking within, that is our problem, and solely our problem to fix, unless someone has acted out toward us, it’s up to us to find out what the root of the issues are that we’re trying to mask by making it someone else’s problem.
I used to engage in this behavior a lot. Because back, before I was on this path, I always made myself the victim. In my eyes, everyone else had it easier than I did, and everyone was against me. And I was spiteful, oh yeah I was. If I felt you had wronged me I certainly didn’t want to see good things happening for you, and I spent a lot of energy finding out if they were, and then figuring out how to diminish your good fortune.
I don’t live like that today. Gratefully so. I am genuinely happy when good things happen for other people, even the people who may have wronged me. Because what I am responsible is my side of the street. And if I am doing what I can, to the best of my ability in each given moment, then I should be OK, regardless of what anyone else thinks I should be doing. No one else has a right to tell me I’m doing me wrong, because no one else knows me as well as me. Now, I certainly have people in my life who, when I’m not acting like I typically do, will call me out on my behavior, and I welcome that, I do the same for those I love and care about, we keep each other in check, but ultimately, no one else walks in my shoes each day, so no one can really know what it’s like to be me.
When someone inserts their sickness into my life it can be shocking, it typically seems to come out of nowhere. Because, for the most part, that other person has been sitting with their pain for long enough that it finally has to come out, and then there it is, right in your face. But it’s not my job to fix them. It is my job to share my truth, my side of things, and if the situation is right, perhaps suggest a conversation about it if one can be had in a respectful and productive way, otherwise, I will excuse myself from the situation entirely because I know it’s a situation I cannot win, it’s not set up to be played fair, it’s only meant to tear me down.
I understand, coming from a place where I practiced this behavior often, but today I live my life in the light, I am always open to have someone join me there, but will not step back into the darkness of my past and let my old behaviors take control and pull me down in the dark. I’ve worked far too hard to allow myself to do that. When someone inserts their sickness into your life, let it go. Make clear your side, make clear your intentions, but don’t engage with a fighter who has rigged the game in their favor. You have nothing to prove. You have nothing to gain. You only need to be you. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: If someone comes at you with accusations do you immediately come out fighting? Why do you feel you need to do that? How does that help you? How does that hurt you? What if you didn’t? What if you took a breath and thought about what might really be going on? Why the other person has chosen to come after you? And what their pattern of behavior has been with you up until this point? What their pattern of behavior has been with others up until this point. Start to paint a bigger picture than that moment. Once we take our ego out of it, and not take it personally, often we are able to see what is really going on, and typically what is really going on, has nothing to do with us. Stay on your side of the street, and keep it clean.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
State Of Slay™ 
Carrie,
Thank you for your honesty and compassion. It’s hard to remember how far we’ve come, when somebody is hurling their pain at us, and expecting us to create some kind of balm to heal them.
When I was young, I spent summers with my grandparents. I watched my grandmother deal with all kinds of upset people, with the same kind of compassion you just talked about. She used to tell me, all the time, about her 7 Minute Rule. “You never can know what happened 7 minutes before you walked into somebody’s day. So, instead of answering their anger with your own, see if you can’t get them to smile.” I’ve witnessed how one simple sentence, one humble apology, one kind smile, can transform a tense situation to a calm one, in mere seconds.
I’ll never forget how, one afternoon, Granny and I walked in to a grocery store to pay the light bill. The woman behind the counter was just furious about something. When she glanced up and saw us standing there, she said, “Oh, for god’s sake! I suppose you want something from me, too!”
I looked up at Granny, and she patted my back, and said to the woman, “Oh, honey. What’s got you so upset? I bet it’s a man.” Then, this woman, who’d been so angry and ready to fight, just melted, and laughed. “I’m sorry. I just got off the phone with my husband, and now I have a huge list of things to do after work, today. I didn’t mean to take it out on y’all. How can I help you?”
Just like that, the whole scene changed. 7 Minute Rule. It’s a powerful thing to be kind in the face of pain. Thank you for the reminder. Love you.
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You’re Granny sounded like a smart lady. Yes, very true, we never really know what is going on for someone, or what may have triggered them. But not only not matching their emotions with those of your own, but finding a way to make them smile or see that you are not a part of the problem and even making them smile, is what we strive for. It’s not always possible, sometimes people are determined to stay in that place, but we don’t have to go there with them.
Always love hearing from you. Happy SunSlay!
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