Journey

People Aren’t Against You, They’re For Themselves

That may sound pretty harsh, but it’s not as harsh as it sounds. We all have busy lives, lives with many working components, we juggle many things each day and try to find our own sense of balance. And, just as we are doing that, so is everyone else. Each of us is doing the best we can with what we have. And, some days, we are feeling we’re short. If we need help we should ask for it, but that doesn’t mean the person we ask has to drop everything to run to our aid.

I used to pride myself on not asking for help, to fault, because I would get myself into situations, alone, that I wouldn’t have found myself had I just asked someone for a hand. But off I would go, stubborn, thinking I could do it without having to ask anyone to help me. When I started to walk on this path, and started practicing self-care and self-love, I was taught that it was OK to ask for help, I had to take a deep breath there, because that went against everything in me to do, but I set out to try to practice healthier behaviors and when I felt I should, I asked for help. Seeing as this was still new, and not quite having all the tools I have today, I had an expectation when I asked for help. I expected whomever I asked to jump to it and make themselves available right way when I asked, because, they should know it wasn’t easy for me to ask and to help me learn and grow they should show up and do their part. Wrong attitude. The second part of learning that new behavior was accepting what came back, and sometimes that was that they couldn’t help me right away, or, at all. The old me then would pipe up and say that that was why I never asked before, because no one was going to help anyway, but I had to get past that, ask if there was a good time for them to help, or if not, say it was OK and move to someone else, and when I say move on, meant it, and not linger in a resentment. All of that took time, and practicing doing it over and over. It mostly meant realizing that the people in my life where not there to serve or be at my beck and call, they also had lives and were just as busy I was, maybe even more so, and, they weren’t spending their days wondering what I was going to need or how they could help me. All fair.

We sometimes forget that, just like we’re busy, so are others, and even though something is very important to us it likely won’t have the same importance for someone else, just as what is important to them may not be important to us. But, as SLAYERS, we can show up where we can for others, and ask others to do the same when we need them, but also understand if they are not able to at that exact moment, they’re not out to sabotage you, they’re just taking care of their own needs and lives. It’s not an us vs. them situation, what it should be is us all living our lives and helping each other when we are able to, that way we are all growing and sharing when when we can and it’s coming from an organic loving place. When we are able to live that way we have less conflict and disappointment, and we are not only honoring who we are, but respecting those around us as they walk their journey and we walk ours. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have trouble asking for help? What stops you? Have you had bad experiences in the past? Or were you taught, or told, you shouldn’t ask for help? Who told you that? Why did they tell you that? Was that based in fact or a story they told you, or maybe one you told yourself? What has been the result of asking for help in the past? Is there a way you can improve how you’re asking for help, or who you’re asking? List the ways how. Do you expect people to drop everything and help you immediately? Why do you think they should? Do you respect the people in your life and their time? If not, why not? You should SLAYER, each of us has their own lives to live, we are all busy, take into consideration someone else’s time, as you would expect them to take in consideration yours, and when someone isn’t available right away, ask them when they can be, or if they can at all, if they can’t, ask someone else, it’s not that they’re working against you, they’re just working for themselves at that time, and that doesn’t mean they won’t be there for you another time. One no isn’t the end of the world, it just means you are meant to ask someone else who is meant to help you in that time of need. So keep asking, you’ll find the right person.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Other People Are Not Your Problem To Solve

We can sometimes get caught up in wanting to fix people. But, people are not our problems to fix. Each of us is responsible for ourselves, and when we meddle in someone else’s life, or try to school them on what they should be doing, we’re not only doing ourselves a disservice, but also them as well, as it’s their responsibility to find their own journey on their own path. It is also usually an indicator that we’re trying to avoid something in our own lives by focusing on someone else’s. It’s always much easier to tell someone else what to do rather than take action on those things in our lives that we should be working on our changing. And, when we’re in avoidance, looking for other people to fix becomes easy as we tend to look for the things that we dislike about ourselves in those around us.

No one has the right to tell us how to live our own lives, or to point out the things they think are wrong with the way we’re living, and, that goes for us too, if someone asks for an opinion, sure, go ahead and give it, but if we’re not asked, we must assume our opinion is not welcome and we need to keep it to ourselves. There are some of us too, who like to fancy ourselves as teachers, but typically what’s really going on there is that we’re feeling less than, or know we’re not doing all we can for our own growth and betterment and are deflecting our energies to someone else we think we can ‘help.’ Any time we think we’re better than someone else, or know better, we’re living from a place of ego, that ego may be covering up our insecurities, but we’re not living in a place in line with the universe, and, ourselves. So when we find those urges come up to school someone we should sit ourselves down and look at our own behavior before trying to teach someone else.

When I was living in my disease I often thought I knew better than most of the people around me. And, I often shared my opinion, especially if it wasn’t asked for, because I thought I was doing them a favor. Meanwhile, my own life was a total train wreck, and, was still barreling down the tracks collecting more and more collateral damage. But, to talk to me, I had it all together, and I knew just how you could too. What a hypocrite. On the flip-side, if someone did see through my bravado, I certainly didn’t welcome their opinion on my life. I would be offended and tell any unsuspecting do-gooder that they didn’t know what they were talking about and they should mind their own business, so why did I think it was OK to do just that to someone else? Well, again, I was sick, and in full denial about how sick I really was, so if I could get the spotlight off of me, I would do that at any cost. When I finally had to take a look at my own life, I realized that those things I used to say that others should do was exactly what I needed to do to live a healthy and productive life, and so I had to put my ego aside and get to work.

Today, I don’t look for people to fix, that’s their job, but what I can do is encourage them as they do make changes, support them as they take changes they never have, and love them even when they fall, in fact, especially as they fall because I know they are trying, as I do every day, and I know that those people in my day-to-day life offer me the same, and we all can lift each other up as we grow and learn and focus on making our lives the exciting adventure we deserve, and worked for. Let everyone have their own experience, give them that honor, and do the same for yourself.  Allow yourself to make mistakes and have the courage to do the work you need to to become someone you are proud of today, and someone who feels good in the place they stand in.  You can SLAYER, just keep that spotlight on yourself, and let everybody else shine theirs on them, so together, you can help each other shine.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Have you in the past fallen into the trap of trying to fix other people? What was the result? How did this help you? How did this hurt you? Were you able to “fix” them? What did you see in them that needed fixing? Is that, or are those the things that need fixing in your own life? Do people in your life try to fix you? If yes, how does that feel? Do you welcome that? If not, why not? How does that make you feel? So, knowing how that makes you feel, why do you try to do it to others? Do you find that you go looking for people to fix when you’re not feeling good about yourself? Do you see a pattern in your behavior? How can you change that pattern SLAYER? What can you do this week to turn that spotlight on you and make some changes in your own life that will help you grow? Take action SLAYER, and take back your power to make some good changes for you. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

This Isn’t Who I Am, But It’s Who I’ve Become In This Moment

I know this feeling all too well. I remember thinking this when things got really dark. When the self-hatred overtook the light that used to burn inside of me. I didn’t like who I was, I didn’t like to look at the person staring back at me in the mirror, and I knew that wasn’t me, but what I’d become. When you’re staring at yourself from that place, the journey back seems impossible, to far to travel, you don’t like where you are, but fear you’ve gone too far the other way to make it back, to return to the you you once where. Or maybe you never knew who you were, or never liked that person either. So the journey then is more about self-discovery, to places you’ve never been, and that alone may paralyze you and keep you right where you are.

But going back to knowing this isn’t who you are. How did you get here? What lead you to this place? And why isn’t this place you? These are questions we need to answer. It’s easy, sometimes, when we make small concessions each day, to slowly lose ourselves, let ourselves slip away to something that may seem easier, or look better, or may be the promise of something new. But when we let who we are slip away, slowly and slowly we lose sight of who we really are, and what we deserve. We start to think we deserve this place, the place we find ourselves in, and we try to convince ourselves we’re OK there, even though we know we’re not. It seems easier to stay than to fight and get out, so we stay, sometimes for many years, sometimes a lifetime. And each time we stay when should go, a little part of us dies there, until one day, maybe we can’t get out, or can’t see the light we used to have inside of us. That is why it’s always important to stay true to who you are, what you desire and what you can take action on. And always take that action when you can. It’s much harder to fight your way back when you’ve gone too far. I was lucky enough to have done that, many years ago, to find that little spark of light inside of me and fight my way back, it took a lot of work, and it took many years, but here I am.

This statement now has a different meaning for me, if I’ve become something else in the moment, and it isn’t who I was, it is now a positive thing. It now means, for me, that I’ve surpassed where I was and have moved on to the next version, the 2.0 version, well, it’s probably more than 2.0 at this point, but you get the idea. That statement can also be used be positive once you’ve started to live as your authentic self and continue to push yourself to grow and expand who you are and the world around you. You know I’m one to always look for the positives in life, and this is an example of just that. I’ve had moments over the past 12 ½ years of being on this journey that have surprised me, I’ve surprised myself in who I am in a moment, because even I didn’t know I was capable of something, or of becoming someone so much bigger than who she was, or even imagined could be in terms of my capacity to love and give back. It’s amazing what you’ll find if you always make sure to stay true to yourself, to stand strong and fight for you.

It’s important to know who we are, otherwise we won’t know when we’ve lost what we’ve had, we may feel off, or different, and that can give us a sign we’re off course, but when we truly know who we are, and know we don’t feel like we are, it’s a sign to get to work and to get back to that place that lets our hearts shine. It’s also, on the flip side, a great marker for when we’ve exceeded who we were to become the beautiful people we are today. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have a strong sense of who you are? Do you like who you are? Is that who you are today? If not, why not? How do you get back to who you are? How did you get lost? What choices did you make to get yourself there? Or have you noticed the opposite, that because of your choices and hard work that you’ve exceeded surpassed who you were to be who you are today? What changes have you noticed? What do you love about who you are today? What else can you do to keep feeding that journey, that path you’re on to becoming an even better brighter version of yourself? Who are you in this moment? Is that person who truly are? Or do you have work to do to reclaim your true self? Find that place again SLAYER and use that as a launching pad to take you to places you have only imagined. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Let Your Heart Shine

We lost a bright star yesterday. As I was in the air, traveling, my Uncle passed away. I’ve spoken about him before, on SLAY TALK LIVE, he had been battling cancer for the past 9 years, and yesterday he found his rest from that battle. What I will carry with me moving forward, and forever in my heart, is how he changed when he was first diagnosed. I imagine a cancer diagnoses must feel like a death sentence, that immediate shock and the reality setting in, although there are many survivors, some of whom I count as friends, but it would be easy to feel defeated, or to retreat from life when you feel like perhaps you don’t have much of it left to live. My Uncle Mel, was not one of those people.

He didn’t have an easy life, and he wasn’t always the man I came to know during his fight, that is the miraculous thing about Uncle Mel, he allowed something that could easily perceived as negative and let it turn him into someone so full of light, so full of love, and he let it fill him with such a desire and drive to make other people’s days brighter, that I believe, it kept him going, for years, as he continued to fight various forms of cancer. I always called him a superhero, and he would laugh, he would say, “I’m just doing what the good Lord shows me to do.” He had a strong faith, and it was that faith that he relied on as his journey was coming to an end. He found a peace with it, and made the most of his time here with us all.

He said this to me a number of times, but the last time we spoke he said that I had permission to tell his story, to share who we was, because it might help someone else. So, today, as I write this with tears in my eyes, I know it’s important to do just that, for me, for anyone who may need it, and for him.

I look at his journey and it reminds me that even in the face of adversity we can still share our light and our heart. We always have something to offer to someone who may be sicker, or feeling even lower than we do, or who just might need a friend. No matter where we are, we always have value, and have the ability to share our best selves. My Uncle never became his best self, I believe, until he started to share it, until he started to give away the light he had to give and was able to light the way for many others as they walked in their own struggle, or darkness. I believe that fire, that light, is what kept him going the past 9 years, and it lit the way for many others.

I talk a lot here at STATE OF SLAY of holding a torch for one another, so when we may find ourselves in the dark, there is always a light to find your way home. I believe that because Uncle Mel held his torch for so many, that yesterday, he saw that light and made his way home.

We have a choice, each day, to live our lives in the darkness, or to shine bright, and it may feel safer in the dark, especially if that is all we’ve known, or we feel we don’t deserve the light, but we are meant to be in the light, not only for ourselves, but so we can share it with others, and when we do not only do we bring light to those around us, but our light gets brighter. I know there will be a bright star shining in the night sky tonight, and that star is my Uncle, his star will continue to shine from above, lighting the way for us here, and as a reminder when we look up, that there is something beautiful up there, watching over us in the darkness of the night. Shine on my SLAYERS!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you allow yourself to shine or do you dim that shine? If you do dim your shine, why do you do that? How does it help you? How does it hurt you? How can you share that light with someone in your life who may need it? Write down a time when you may have felt you had nothing to offer, but were able to make someone’s day brighter. How did that make you feel? Did you feel brighter? You did, didn’t you SLAYER? Always let your light shine, even if it’s just a small flicker of a flame, when you share that flame with someone else, that flame starts a fire, and warms all who are within it’s reach. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Meet Each Other Where We Are

When we’re not feeling our best, or that we’re the best we can be, or maybe even ashamed of where we find ourselves we tend to shy away from the people in our lives, and certainly from meeting new people. We may be drawn to people who are working to be their best selves, but don’t think we’re worthy of their time because we don’t feel good about where we are. That thinking can keep us from getting well, and prevent us from getting the support and understanding we made need to get well. When we have the same intentions, regardless of where we are on our own paths, we meet each other where we are and move forward from there. There is no perfect start time, the time is now, come as you are and I, and others will meet you there, as they are. It’s not about coming and joining in when things are ‘perfect,’ the time to come is now, in whatever place that finds you. You will find people who will love you regardless of where you are and will walk with you on your journey, as you do with theirs.

When you align yourself with people who are all working to be their best selves, doing the best they can each day, there is no judgment of who you are, where you’ve been, and where you find yourself today. There is only love. We all have to start somewhere, we all have to have that moment when we take that leap and trust we’re being led to something for a reason, it’s within that trust that you are enough, just as you are. And who you are today isn’t who you were yesterday, and who you won’t be tomorrow. So, let yourself be enough as you are today and never be ashamed of that.

We are all here to learn, to grow, and even if you might not be at the same place as those around you, you may not meant to be, each of our paths, or journeys, are our own, we can’t compare them to anyone else’s because we are all experiencing different things and are meant to do and learn different things. And no matter where we are on our path it’s where we’re meant to be, so join us right where you are, it’s perfect.

I’ve said before that we each have unique qualities, talents, or experiences to offer, we all have something to offer, even on our lowest of days, even when we think we have nothing, our honesty may just save someone else’s life who may feel like they have even less. Never doubt your worth, you have more than you realize, but we see it, and we appreciate it. So come and join us, we love you just as you are, and together we will all help each other through the dark times, through the difficult times, to better times. We are stronger together, and your honesty in who you are, your authenticity, will give you strength. We know what you may not already, that you are an incredible person with a beautiful spirit, and will help you see that in yourself. There is no waiting for the right time, the right time is now, and who you are right now, is perfect. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you shy away from connecting with people or sharing yourself with others because you think you are not good enough? What about yourself do you think isn’t good enough? What would you like to change? What can you do to change it? Why haven’t you changed it? Where do you think your feelings of not being good enough come from? Do they come from you, or someone around you? Are they because of current events or stories from your past? What can you do to get outside of those? How can you change those feelings? We all have stories we tell ourselves, most of them are just that, stories, not based in truth, or they may be based on what was said to us as children and we’ve adopted it into the fabric of who we are, never questioning it’s merit. Question it SLAYER, question all of those negative things you say and think about yourself, question whether they are based in fact, and question whether they are relevant today. What is relevant is that you find a way to forgive yourself for past mistakes, and focus on the future, the person you can be proud of, who may even be the person you are right now. We’ll meet you where you are, no matter where that is, and it will be beautiful.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

You’re Finding It Hard Because It’s Hard

I know when I started on this path it wasn’t easy. It’s still not easy on certain days. But I know that’s because it’s not an easy path. That’s part of the journey, the ups and downs, it just is, and the tough days always pass. But sometimes when we’re in them they don’t feel like they will. Sometimes when we’re in the them our head tells us they never will. That’s why it’s important to share our truth with those around us, and to find people like ourselves on the same or similar path. When we are working to do the next right thing, when we are facing our fears, our demons, things can get hard, but know that it’s because it is hard, not because you’re doing it wrong. In fact, if it were too easy, that is likely a sign you’re not being truthful, or, not doing all you can do.

I am a firm believer in always sharing your truth, especially when you are struggling, not just for yourself, but to let others who are struggling know it’s normal, and not just them. When I was just starting, and didn’t know what I was doing, just following the directions I was being given, everything was new, everything felt weird, everything felt hard, and when I would speak to someone who was also experiencing the same thing I felt better, like I wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t doing it wrong, it was just hard to throw away all the coping mechanisms I had used, the vices, the bad habits, and replace them with healthy choices, and not having those things I used to use to hide behind, I had to learn to stop hiding and face the truth, my truth, now anyone can imagine, just by looking at it in black and white, that is not an easy road. And why it’s so important to share that to ease that difficulty and possibly share that journey with others who are also in that same path. Life is not meant to be lived alone, we find inspiration, strength, encouragement from those around us, people who are trudging the road next to us, it’s easier when we do it as a group, we propel each other forward, we hold each other up and give each other strength, we cheer for each other when we succeed or go beyond anywhere we’ve been before. Good, bad, easy, hard, it’s important to share what’s truly happening for you each day. Yes, it’s going to be hard some days.

I think many of us have been told or have learned to put on a happy face and pretend that everything is OK, or good, when we may be struggling inside, but when we do that it’s not only a disservice to us, it’s also a disservice to everyone around us who may be feeling the same. It’s OK to be sad, it’s OK to not know the answers, it’s OK to say that you’re finding life hard. It’s more than OK, it’s required to live a life of rigorous honesty, and truthfulness about who we are each day, keeping ourselves and our lives transparent keeps us honest, and keeps us accountable for our actions, it also lets us be vulnerable with those around us which brings us closer to them, and them us. So even when things are hard, we feel protected, safe and loved.

Life gets hard, that’s just life, but when you try to hide your truth, you only make it harder on yourself. You’re not doing it wrong, those hard times are there to teach us things, to draw us closer to people, and to prepare us for what’s coming next. Trust them, share them, share you, and SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think when things are hard that you’re doing it wrong? Do you feel like a victim, and that you are being punished? Why do you think that? You’re not SLAYER, life ebbs and flows, it can be easy and then hard, and then it gets easy again, it’s just the way life works, the hard times always pass. It’s important to share your truth doing those hard times. Do you have trouble sharing your truth when things aren’t good? Why? What are you afraid of? Does this come from an actual experience in your life, or something you’ve been told? Share SLAYER, share. Trust me, you’ll find many of yes by your side understanding where you are, and we are here to help you through it.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Be you’re best you, everyone else is taken.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Normal

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The greatest gift is when you’re able to bless someone else while walking through your own storm.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Shine

Our Darkest Parts Can Bring The Most Light

Those parts of us, the darkest parts, those parts that we may think we should hide, the parts we had to fight the hardest to overcome, or are still fighting to overcome, the parts where we may have almost lost ourselves, those are the parts that can bring the most light. I used to be ashamed of those parts. I would hide them at all costs, never sharing my truth with those around me, even when asked. I thought they made me a bad person, weak, or not capable. It took a lot of pain and suffering, alone, to realize that maybe me hiding those parts wasn’t the best course of action, because hiding them was only leading me down one path, and that path had a dead end.

For me, I was fortunate to have gotten to myself to a place of such desperation that I finally had to let those dark parts out. Share them. And find others who were also working to overcome their dark parts. It took time, and practice, learning to let go of the fear of what I thought you would all think of me and just be honest about where I was coming from, what I was thinking, and what I had done to get myself there. What I discovered is that as I shared my dark parts they felt less dark, because I was able to bring some light to them and learn to make better choices to shift my path onto a better one. And as I continued to share, and continued to get better, I started to see that even though I still have a long way to go to get better, I was still able to shine the light I had on those who were just starting their journey. To them, I had made great strides from the darkness and was living positive healthy life that they had only dreamed of. A lesson that, no matter how far down we may think we are, there is always someone else who may be, or feel, lower, who can be helped by your experiences, courage and story so far. Even on our darkest days, we still have something to offer.

As I got better and many years passed, and, my light got brighter and brighter, I realized that talking about those dark parts was not only essential for my continued growth, to remind myself where I had come from, but also sharing them was like a beacon to those still sitting in the dark. I say this all the time, if someone who has never been through darkness the way we have gives us advice, or offers some suggestions, we are most likely not going to listen or take them, but when someone has come from the places we’ve come from, and offers up what they’ve done to get out, that is something we’ll connect with, and may inspire us enough to take action in our own lives. Never think that your past is something you should hide, or shouldn’t share. On the contrary, share your past, your story, your dark parts, because you never know who can be helped by it, and I guarantee, you will.

Today I make a point to share my dark parts. I share them to show others that there is hope, a solution, I celebrate those dark parts because they give me the opportunity to give back, to be stronger, to share with all of you. Those parts of us in the dark are the parts that connect us to others, and we give them permission to share their dark parts which may in turn shine some light into those dark places. It is the darkest parts of us that, when we share them, give off the most light. Share your truth. Let those dark parts shine bright.

SLAY OF THE DAY: How do you feel about your dark parts? Do you keep them hidden? Do you share them with others? If you don’t share them, why don’t you share them? What are you afraid of? Has someone shared their dark parts with you? How did that make you feel? Did it make you feel that you weren’t alone? That you had a connection to this person? You sharing your dark parts can do the same, not only for them, but for you as well. When we share those parts of ourselves that live in the dark, they get brighter, they loose their power over us, and can bring comfort to someone else. It’s important to share our truth, not only for ourselves to but show others that they are not alone. Let yourself shine bright, share the dark parts and allow yourself to be honest about your journey, that honesty will not only help you grow, but will give someone else hope they can as well. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Seek and you shall find. But somethings we are not meant to find when we are seeking. A quite mind always produces the answers we are looking for.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Still