fear

Why Do We Hate?

We hate out of fear. We hate out of ignorance. We hate out of intolerance. We hate because we hate ourselves.

When I was living in the darkness I hated myself. Because I hated myself I hated a lot of other things. It’s hard to find love in your heart for other things when you’ve stamped it out for yourself. I also lived in a place of ego, ego and self-hatred, that was the insanity of my reality, I thought I was the biggest piece of crap out there, but I still thought I knew more than you did. I was really unforgiving of others because I was unforgiving of myself. I judged everyone and had an opinion about everything. I didn’t like someone who was different because I felt different, and that made me feel uncomfortable. But all of that really came from that deep-seated hate for myself, once I found self-love hate became something I no longer thought about. I know that for some of us self-love seems like a daunting task, but know others who were able to find self-love by loving others, or letting others love them, looking at themselves through someone else’s eyes and seeing the love they see. There is not just one route to finding self-love and the love that is shared between us, but those who hate will tell you different.

We see so much hate in the world today. And hate seems to have a louder voice than love. And maybe that’s because we who love and are spreading love do it in a more one-on-one, softer and gentler way than those spreading hate, they seem to spread it in a rapid fire spraying motion trying to cause the most collateral damage as possible. Love is not spread that way. For me it’s spread because of the love I feel within, I want to share that with those around me and so that they may possibly feel the way I do. The thought of hate doesn’t even really cross my mind. There are certainly things, and even a few people, I dislike, but hate to me feels evil, dark and sinister, and a gateway to the place I used to live. I have also learned to have much more of an open mind than used to, although, I can still be a bit stubborn at times… I’ve been told. Okay, yes, I can be. But when I lived in hate I would never budge, I thought I knew the truth, I thought, I knew the best way and that was that, even though the best way I came up with nearly cost me my life. Which brings me to another topic I’ve discussed before, humility. There is no humility in hate, it cannot co-exist, humility opened the door for me to recovery, to find a solution because the solution I had come up with was not working. I had to admit that I was wrong and I had to surrender. Both things I used to think would make me weak, but after doing it was able to see the strength in it.

When we live in a place of self-love, when we are open to new things, when we can find compassion for our neighbors, we no longer have a place for hate in your lives. We seek to learn, to understand, to honor those around us, and ourselves, so now when I see someone spreading hate I feel badly for them because I know that that hate likely extends to themselves, as mine once did, and I know the only antidote for hate is love. Perhaps today, we can all send some love out in the world to try to neutralize the hate, maybe if we all did it we could extinguish it, even just in our own lives. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you hate? What do you hate? Why do you hate? What does that word mean to you? How do you feel about yourself? Describe yourself? How many of those things are positive? How many of them come from love? How many from hate? Do you think of yourself as better than those around you? Do you consider yourself worse? What can you do to even level that field? Do you love yourself? If yes, why? If not, why? Finding love for yourself is the most important work you can do, and the most rewarding. It is the base of everything you do, and it allows you to share that love with others and possibly show them love that they might see themselves. Love is contagious, so why not spread instead of hate?

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you cannot change.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!
state-of-slay Emotional Pain

I Don’t Want To Feel What I Feel

I stepped on this path over 13 ½ years ago, and much of what got me to this path was not wanting to feel my feelings. At first it started with not wanting to feel bad, or different, or less than, disappointed, or unsafe, but as my disease grew, and I continued to stuff my feelings down, I got to the point that I didn’t want to feel anything, even the good. The good, toward the end, was worse than the bad, because I didn’t feel like I deserved the good, so when a good feeling crept in it was immediately followed with guilt, and, fear that something bad was going to quickly come because I didn’t deserve to feel good. Much of the work I have done in recovery has focused on feeling my feelings, all feelings, acknowledging them, giving myself permission to have them, and letting them go. It has been many years since I have been challenged the way I am right now with not wanting to feel.

There has been an ongoing issue with a neighbor, a neighbor, ironically, who suffers from mental illness, and appears to be self-medicating with an illegal substance that affects our home and our own mental health greatly. We have tried through different channels to address this situation and it was decided on, through council, that our best option is to remove ourselves from the situation altogether. This, brought up a lot of feelings. And even though I am an advocate for everything I talk about here at State Of Slay™ I am still human and the feelings that came up knocked me off my feet.

I’ve really struggled, this week in particular, and I realized that since dealing with this issue next door, something that has been so upsetting and traumatizing that I may actually have some emotional damage from it, and, alongside that, the feeling of anger, frustration, and grief at having to leave a home we love because of someone else’s illness. Again, I can see the irony in this, as I was once, very much like this person next door, was living inside the darkness of my disease, although, never brought my disease to someone’s front door and into their home the way this person has. And as a result, I’ve  had a really difficult time through this. I struggled in a way I haven’t for a long time and there were moments in my struggle that scared me. And, it’s interesting being so open about mental health and an advocate for self-care and positive thinking, because I almost didn’t give myself permission to feel what I was feeling, and, to not want to feel it. Having been on this path for so long I have many safety nets in place, and, ultimately know what to do to get myself back on track, openly admitting this to someone I love and trust was a big first step and eased a lot of the shame around it, and digging into the foundation I have built has gotten me on stronger footing already, but it was a bit of scary week. I think, also, having this all come during Suicide Prevention Day and this month of awareness also brought up some old feelings and gave my disease a little bit of a soap box to stand on. I am grateful that I know better to listen, but those all too familiar feelings came up, and they felt awful.

My point for sharing this today is that no matter who you are, how far you’ve come, or what you use for voice for out in the world, you are allowed to feel, whatever that may be, and if those feelings bring you to a place that scares you or gives you concern, reach out to someone and share with them, and do the things you need to do to get yourself back to where you feel safe and at your best. Life does has it’s ups and downs, and most of it is beyond our control, accepting life on life’s terms and doing our best to navigate the twists and turns is all we can do, sitting in our hurt, or hate, or anger, and not accepting the truth only hurts us more. Today I will work on seeing the silver lining in all of this, of what I can learn and take away from my pain, and to use it to shine a light for others who may be feeling the same. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you allow yourself to feel your feelings? How do you do that? Do you share how you feel with others? If not, why not? If yes, do you have a circle of friends or people you trust you can be open and honest with? It’s OK to feel, you are entitled to have feelings, but what’s not OK is letting them dictate how your day is, or life is, or your value as a human being. Feelings are great indicators of what is really going on, they are triggered by memories or situations from our past, and can tell us a great deal about where are mental and spiritually. Let yourself feel and then set those feelings free, thanking them for showing you what you needed to see.

S – self  L – love A – appreciate Y – you

When Things Seem To Be Falling Apart, They May Be Falling Together

I was reminded yesterday, thanks to Facebook memories, which aren’t always a good thing, but yesterday was a good one, that one year ago yesterday my life changed, a change for the better, and a change that has brought me to this place I am today, gratefully so. Personally, a year go, I was not in a good place, a place that did not serve me, make me happy, or, was good for my spirit, I knew I needed to make a change, and had known for a while, but wasn’t sure what the next step was. An opportunity came, out of the blue, and I jumped at it, not knowing what was waiting for me on the other side. The reasons I thought the opportunity was going to be a good one turned out not to be what I received from it at all, what I received was something better, and unexpected. But it got me thinking today about this topic, when things seem like they’re falling apart, they may be falling together. We only know what we know, which, in the big picture, is very little, but we work with the knowledge we have each day to make the best choices we can. That’s all we can do. Many times we get caught up trying to future surf, trying to imagine or wish for what we would like happen when we should be focusing on what we can change in our present lives to possibly get to that place, or a better place for us. When things don’t go as we would like, or had expected, we can fall into depression, anxiety or fear and let the disappointment of what we had thought our lives, relationship or situation was going to be consume us allowing the negative self-talk to creep in telling us we’re stuck, alone or don’t deserve better, but what we should really be doing is accepting what is not meant to be and being open to what is next.

In my experience, life, very often, doesn’t go as planned, but, it always goes as it is meant to. The highs and especially the lows have all been designed for a reason, and each experience has gotten me right here where I am today. Many times those things I thought I needed or wanted, when I look back, likely saved me from heartache or a situation that may have ultimately lead me down some dark roads. But, I’ve found, when I’ve opened my heart, and asked for direction, told the universe that I am ready for change, ready for new things and ready to take action, it appears. Now, that’s not to say the sky is going to open up revealing the secrets to life, but, when we are open, the signs, the people, the opportunities do come, but we have to make sure that we don’t grab for the same ones we have before and take a chance on something new, something different if we want to see change in our lives. A wise friend used to say to me, “the universe will give us the same present over and over, but in different wrappings, just to see if we’ve learned our lesson or, really mean we’re ready for change,” and that was true for me, probably for you too. How many times have we found ourselves in a place and said, “how did I get here again,” the wrapping may have fooled us and we got the same present we had already unwrapped many times. I try to look for those signs, things that I recognize from past situations that didn’t work or got to me a place I didn’t like, but sometimes we get fooled and tricked into believing that something, or someone, are different. So, when things start to fall apart, start to look at things as they are, not how we think they may be, or want them to be, for what the facts are, and see if there may be a reason for them falling apart.

When I look back over the past year, I had no idea what this weekend was going to mean to me a year later, I just took the opportunity that was in front of me and trusted I was being directed to where I needed to be, and I trusted that it was a place where I could let my heart be open and that it was safe, as a result, something beautiful happened that weekend, something unexpected and my life shifted.

When things don’t seem to be going your way, when relationships are ending or when you just don’t seem to be getting anywhere in your pursuit of things, instead of focusing on what may not be working, ask yourself why it may not working and what it may be showing you, what you perceive as the biggest disaster may just bring you to your greatest achievement, if you let go of what you think things should be and trust where you are being lead. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: When things appear to be falling apart do you fall into despair or trust that you are being led to something new? Have there been examples in your life when things looked to be falling apart but were actually falling together? What’s an example. When you look back on your life do see examples of this happening that you may not have thought were examples of this? Do you look for new opportunities when something ends or falls apart, or do you tend to follow the same patterns and find yourself in the same places over and over? What patterns do you see in your life that you could break for a different or better result? Look for those places SLAYER, to make changes, trust that you are being given what you need to make those changes, and also look for places that may look different, but may be places you’ve already been that didn’t work. Life is a journey, we are here to learn, but ultimately we are given the direction to get to where we are meant to be.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Feeling Bad Doesn’t Mean You’re A Bad Person

Before walking this path I thought I was a bad person. Because I felt bad and was thinking bad thoughts I thought that made me a bad person. What I didn’t realize back then is that I had an untreated disease that was centered in my mind, a disease that constantly fed me bad thoughts and was working every day to keep me believing I was a bad person who only deserved bad things. Any time I did or said something that could be labeled bad my disease stood up and yelled SEE,”just in case I hadn’t yet got the point. It took a lot to let go of the belief that I was a bad person, and even more work to realize that if I do feel bad, that doesn’t mean that I’m bad.

Our thoughts and minds can be our worst enemies. Most of us would never tolerate what we think and say to ourselves from anyone else. And yet, we can tear ourselves down daily without questioning why or fighting back. For me, I let it beat me down until I almost didn’t have any fight left, or hope, but was fortunate to find just a flicker of it when I needed it most. On my journey of recovery I had to throw out my old ideas and learn new ones, ones that would build me up instead of tear me down, and I had to let go of the idea that feeling bad made me bad. Feelings aren’t facts. Just because we feel something doesn’t make it true. We sometimes feel fear when there is nothing to be afraid of, we can feel hurt when nothing was done to us, or we can feel sad for no reason whatsoever. Our feelings, at times, can deceive us, they’re not always what they appear to be, and can be rooted in something else entirely, or, have been received through our own perception and a filter of our choosing, perhaps not based in reality at all, but there to allow us to continue to tell the narrative we wish to tell. Feelings can trick us if we’re not in tune with our emotions and receiving them for what they are, so it’s important to not let them define us.

We all have days when our minds might bend to the side of negative, or we’re agitated, but those thoughts or feelings are not who you are, even if you go through a period of time feeling them, you get to decide who you are, you are in charge, and feeling something doesn’t mean you are pigeon-holed into only being that one thing. I was able to let go of my perception of being a bad person by thinking of my feelings like the clouds, they come and go, pass by, some are white and fluffy, some are pink, and, some are dark and menacing, but none of them stay in one place for long, and I would never define the sky as only having clouds that look one way. Our feelings too are like the clouds in the sky, they change, they come and go, but behind them is still the beauty that remains, the beauty that is always there, even when we can’t see it.

What you feel is not what you are. Allow yourself to have bad thoughts without labeling yourself a bad person. Find out where these feelings come from, why they come, and when, and you might just find your key to letting those bad feelings pass. Look up at the sky today SLAYER, and watch the clouds pass by to reveal the blue skies ahead. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you label yourself a bad person if you think or feel bad thoughts? Why do you think you do this? What do you think or feel? Why? Are these feelings based in fact? Where do they come from? How can you let them go? Does it serve you to hang onto them? Does it hurt you to hang onto them? Do you think you’re a bad person? Why? What, in your eyes, makes you a bad person? We’ve all done, said, and thought things that might be labeled bad, but it only makes us a bad person if we believe we are. You have the opportunity, at any given time, to shed that bad label you’ve given yourself and be who you truly are, and if you’re not sure who that is, why not start today on your journey to find out.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Hand In Hand Is The Only Way To Land

Before walking this path I would freely tell people, I wasn’t a “group” person. I had always had a few close friends, but rarely did I even go out with them more than one or two at a time. I kept things small. Intimate. And, back then I couldn’t tell you why, but I knew that I felt uncomfortable in groups, in fact, many times I felt more alone in a group than I did when I was actually alone. I kept to myself back then, I would share some things with friends or family, but the dark stuff, the big stuff, I carried alone. I felt like I didn’t want to burden anyone else, but I also felt like, even though they might be friends, that I might be judged or thought of as weak if I let the truth out about who I was and what I was going through. As a result, I suffered a lot at my own hand, and I suffered a lot alone.

When I made a commitment to get better, it was suggested I join a group. I shivered. Panic shot through me at the thought of not only walking into a room of strangers but that I would be asked to share myself at a time that was my darkest, something I hadn’t even been doing with those I considered close. I was told that I didn’t have to take this journey alone, that there were many others who had walked this road before me, and who, like me, where also starting their journey. I was encouraged to reach out and get to know those who I identified with. As scary as that was at first, as I had a fear that people were collecting information about me and my private life, as crazy as that sounds now, I had some major trust issues to work through, but as I reached out my hand and said hello, that fear started to leave me. What happened was, when I opened up and shared my true self with those around me, they tended to do the same, whether it was new friends or old, that honesty closed the gap I had always felt between me and everyone around me. And, I started to become a “group” person, in fact, today, over 13 years later, I love those groups, and even if I don’t know anyone in it, I know we all sit there for a common purpose and we all share our truths because it helps us to get better and it helps those who may be just starting their journey and need to hear themselves in our stories, and, that it gets better.

Life will always do it’s thing, we have no control over what comes our way, but we can arm ourselves with a team of people who love and support us, so when things do hit the fan you’ve got as many helping hands as you may need. And the trick is to use them! For the support to work you have to reach out for those hands, and, take them. It doesn’t magically happen just by thinking about it. We are not mind-readers, ask for what you want and need. But also remember, that doesn’t mean that everyone is always able to be what you want and need exactly when you need it, so that’s why it’s important to build up that group, that network or extended family, so when you do fall, you’ve got those extra set of hands to help you back up.

It took me falling down as far as I did to realize that I didn’t have to fall that far, I could have reached out for the hands that were already around me, and even though they might not have understood exactly what I was going through, they would have understood I needed that hand, and I could have saved myself a lot of pain and misery.

No one walks their road alone, unless you choose to, but we’re not meant to, our lives, and the people in them come to us for a reason, and together we are stronger and capable of anything. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to keep to yourself or do you share what’s really going on for you? If you don’t share, what stops you? Have you shared in the past? What was the result? If it was good, why have you stopped? If it wasn’t good, why do you think that was? Did you reach out for help from the wrong person? Did you not share your total truth? Did you expect too much? What can you do differently next time for a better result? SLAYER, I could not have the life I have today without the support of others. And not only do they help me when I need a hand, but I get to do the same for them, which again helps me, it’s just how it works.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! To live a beautiful life we must lose the fear of being wrong.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Express Yourself (1)

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The most important time in the world is the time you make for yourself.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Spend Time

Live In Simple Sentences

We all have stories that dragged on too long. Stories we should have ended that we held onto because we hoped they would somehow turn into what we had imagined, or worked for, or stories that used to be good but haven’t been in a long while that we cling to because of what once was, and then there are those stories that never seemed to reach their full potential, and we stay thinking that there could be a day that they could change. Without a conscious period, or punctuation mark at the end, those stories can go on forever, leaving us feeling unsettled, frustrated and unsatisfied. The more a story drags on the more complicated it becomes, and the more we attach feelings and emotions around the people and circumstances of that story that can make it difficult for us to move on when we should. We too, can hang onto a story too long because we want to be right, we want to prove something or we are determined to make something that is broken work, even when perhaps it never did, but the longer we stay in a story we are not meant to be in, the further we get away from our intended destination.

I have participated in many stories that should have ended long before they did, or perhaps, should have never started. Sometimes out of fear, or adventure, or trying to make things right, when they never could be. I do believe that things happen when they are meant to, but I also believe that we can delay our growth, and those moments, because we don’t take them in the moments we should, and may never get a second chance. Sometimes we do get that second chance, if we’re lucky, and it’s meant to get us back on track and on the journey we are meant to be on. When we live in simple sentences we are living in the now. We are checking in and making sure we are doing what’s best for us today, and working toward our next destination. Living in simple sentences clarifies things, it cuts away all the excess, the things that distract us, or the things we hang onto that complicate an otherwise simple story, it helps us focus on what we want and what we need to do to get it. It keeps us looking forward instead of backwards, and helps us describe our past in simple sentences as well, which keep it in perspective, and keeps the lessons pure and simple.

Sometimes we find ourselves in a story with many run-on sentences, it’s during those times we need to start editing and adding some punctuation. Life can get complicated all on it’s own without us dragging some excess baggage with us on top of it all, keep things simple, and at face value for what they are, not what you think they should be, could be or would be. Stop watching the reruns in your life and end the stories that need to end, it’s when we let go of those old distractions that our future becomes clear, right before our eyes. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you hang on to stories that you should have ended? Name one. Why should you have ended this story? Why haven’t you? What can you do to end that story in your life? Why should you? How has hanging onto this story harmed you? How may it have stopped you from finding what you are looking for? What are you looking for? How can you go about getting it? Do you believe you deserve to get it? If not, why not? SLAYER, we all deserve good things, but we need to make sure we take the road blocks out of our own way so those things can come our way. We need to let go of the past and end those stories that hold us back from becoming what we are meant to be in the future.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The best is yet to come.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Not Yet