Good morning SLAYER! If life was meant to be controlled, it would have come with a remote.
New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!
control
Are You Addicted To Control?
Before stepping on this path I was very addicted to control. Control to me felt like safety. When my world felt unsure, when I didn’t know what was around the next corner, or when I felt like people were watching me, wanting me to fail, I tried to control everything I could, even things I couldn’t. I was always tightly wound, trying to keep things together, and trying to make things happen the way I wanted to. It exhausted me. It also frustrated me, because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t control everything, no one can.
That need to control became like a drug. It was something I chased. And when I was able to control something I got a shot, or hit, that gave me a high, and then I was off for the next fix. And when I couldn’t control something the feeling and realization of that always hit me hard, and the bullshit committee in my head would get loud telling me I wasn’t good enough and was a failure. And as my life continued to spin out of control that need for control grew inside of me, like a rope I was desperately trying to hang onto but was slipping out of my hands. Control, for me, was a way to counteract my fear, so when I was told I had to let go to save my life, I was terrified.
Letting go of my need for control didn’t come easy, and sometimes I still catch myself trying to control things, not nearly like I did before, but, there is still a part of me that reaches for that when I feel like my world is, well, out of control. My disease will also disguise it as other things, like food, shopping, relationships, so I don’t notice it at first, but it all comes from the same place, fear. We, as human beings, can’t control everything, it’s impossible, so living a life hellbent on control is only going to drive you into the ground. For me, it’s where my disease wanted me, because it could then keep fuel on the fire that I was a failure, it was a place I was most vulnerable, and the endless need for control kept me so busy I couldn’t see what was truly happening and why. Once I made an effort to stop it, with the help of a counselor, support groups, and others like me who were on the same path, that is when I finally saw the truth in what I had been doing, and how I had been living my life. Coming to terms with why was a hard pill to swallow, but knowing the why helped me to stop the behavior. As I always say, what is the root of the problem? It is finding the answer there, that allows you to get better.
Today I no longer try to control, in fact today when I was thinking about an opportunity I would like, I immediately heard myself say to myself, you’ve done the footwork, now let it go. And that is how I live my life today. I do the work towards a goal or opportunity, I ask myself if there is anything else I can or should do, and if the answer is no, I let it go. That is the place I live in today, that is the place I have to live in today to live a healthy and happy life. And trust me, it is a much easier place to live, and much less exhausting. No matter how hard you try, you don’t have the power to control life so stop trying, control what you can, accept what you can’t, and focus on what you can change to be your best you. That you can control.
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you obsess about things? Do you try to control things in your life? What do you try to control? Why? Are you able to control it? How does trying to control things benefit you? How does it harm you? Write down all the things you try to control. Write down a Y or N if you are able to control those things. Count how many Y’s and N’s you have. Which have more? Do you feel that if you don’t try to control something that something bad will happen? It won’t SLAYER. All you can do is the work that’s in front of you, do the work, trust that you’ve done what you can, and let the results go, you have no control over what the results will be, so stop trying to control something you can’t. Let go, live your life, and set yourself free, you may just get more of what you want by learning to control you need for control. SLAY on!
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
You Found Your Way Out Of The Darkness. So Now What?
This one was actually a special request, but funny enough I was just talking about this topic yesterday with a dear friend who lost his spouse a year and a half go and was feeling lost. I know for me, when I hit my bottom and finally reached for help I was faced with the realization that I had no idea who I really was. I had never asked myself who I was, and what I liked, I spent most of my time pretending to be who I thought you wanted me to be, and I got so good at it, the real me got lost in all the pretending and I had no clue the real me was. With the prospect of starting from scratch and learning about myself I got scared. It seemed daunting. I had to strip away all the characters I had been playing and I was left just with myself, but that felt like a big gray void. I knew I couldn’t let myself get anxious over starting over, so I tried to look at it as an adventure, or a mystery that I was going to solve, and that first started with making a commitment to say yes to everything, to try new things, with new people, and see what I enjoyed and who I enjoyed doing it with. As scary as that seemed, from a woman who had led a very controlled life, what I was leaving behind was far scarier, so I just jumped in. If someone called and asked me to do something I said yes, if there was a position to volunteer for and I was available, I said yes, if someone I didn’t know well asked me to coffee, I said yes, and so on, and with each yes I learned more about myself. I also made a list of things that sounded interesting to me, that I had never tried, and I set out to do all of the things on that list, and, if I could, invite someone else to do them along with me.
As time went on I discovered what I liked and didn’t like, and I made some new friends. Those people who I didn’t pursue a friendship with also taught me about myself. If I didn’t particularly care for someone I would ask myself why, I would also ask myself if that reason was because I recognized something in them that I didn’t like in myself, and from those experiences I was able to put together a cheat sheet of what I look for in a friend, as well as the knowledge of what I am good at within in a friendship and what I needed to work on. The mystery started getting less mysterious and I started to collect some cold hard facts about myself. Over time I was able to build a new me, and authentic me, one that I made no apologies for, and one that did feel familiar to me, but also new, and better. I also, through learning how to be my authentic self, was able to strengthen friendships and make new ones that were more in line with my new way of living, ones that were formed out of mutual respect and love, and ones that weren’t one-sided. I was finding a way to live a healthier happier life.
Today I still try to say yes to new things, and with new people, because today I know that those situations have come up for a reason, so I take the chance and dive in. I have a much better sense of who I am today because of saying yes and taking the time to learn from those experiences, I also learned to give myself the gift of time and patience, because the journey of self-discovery is one that you can’t put a time limit on, in fact, if you allow it, you never really stop, but give yourself some time, let your growth happen as it is meant to, don’t try to rush it or shape it into what you think it should be, let it grow into what it is supposed to be. If you’ve just found your way out of the darkness congratulations, you’re about to start the most exciting journey of your life, the journey of you. Go explore. Go find you. Go SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find you get anxious at the prospect of what comes next? What scares you? What if you made the choice to look at it as someone exciting? Something of an adventure. Do you have a hard time saying yes to new things? Why? What are you afraid of? What was the last time you said yes to something new? What was the result? What it a positive experience? If not, what did you learn from it? Do you see that even if it wasn’t something you liked you can still view it as positive because you learned something about yourself? What can you do this week to make an effort to try something new, or spend time with someone new? Do it SLAYER, go find your authentic you, no one else can do it for you.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
People Hear What They Want To Hear
I used to agonize over what I shared and how I shared it, if I was in a large group, I would think of each person who would be there and how what I had to say might affect them or possibly hurt them by them by hearing what I had to say. I was sharing my truth, my journey, and ultimately what I had to think about were the people who might be helped by what I had to say over who might be hurt. My intention was to certainly not to hurt anyone, but sometimes in our truth there are things that are new information, or perhaps a perspective that hadn’t been seen or heard before, and I eventually decided that it was more important for me to be transparent and truthful than to worry about what others may take away from my words that could be construed as shocking or hurtful to them. What I’ve learned on this path is that people hear what they want to hear, or, what they are ready to hear. When we edit ourselves to try to please everyone, we are not only short-changing ourselves, but anyone who may be listening who can be helped by our truth.
There are many times people can have selective hearing. Whether it’s because they are closed off to any kind of thinking or new information that is not in line with their own, or because they are just not ready to hear the truth and seem to edit the words we share to fit the narrative they’ve put forth in their mind. Regardless of what may be going on for someone else, what’s most important is that we don’t edit who we are and what we share. I have learned long ago to stop worrying and just speak from the heart, and there have been many times when I think that someone might have a hard time hearing what I have to say and lo and behold they seem to have not heard that part or parts I was concerned about, or heard it in a way that made it OK for them. Instead of correcting them, I trust they heard what they were supposed to in that moment, and perhaps, one day, they will be in a place to take in the rest.
Where this gets tricky is if there is a conflict. This goes back to a previous blog I wrote called, People Cast Us In Their Lives. Many times people have already made up their minds who we are to them and what our part is, even without our input, or sometimes, even our knowledge. We may walk into a situation ready to share our truth and they only hear the things that fit the narrative they have already written, they lock in that narrative, with no room for adjustments or edits. That can be difficult, but all we can do is be truthful and honest, share the facts as we see them, and let go of the rest. We can’t make someone hear what they don’t want to hear, but if we are sharing our authentic selves, and our truth, perhaps we have planted a seed, and when they are ready, they might hear the rest, or our words might resonate with them, but, we cannot count on that, nor can we control it. We just need to be honest about who we are and where we’re coming from.
The only person we have control over is us, we can’t control how people perceive and receive our words, and even with the best of intentions, those words can sometimes get twisted through the filter of someone else’s ears, and that is not our problem. We have to be true to ourselves, sensitive to not purposely cause harm with what we say, even if it is our truth, but not worry about sharing who we are and where we’ve come from because we’re concerned it may upset someone else. It’s a fine line of being responsible, but also honoring ourselves. I have learned that if I stand in my truth and share with an open heart and an open mind, most of the time, others will come join you there, those others are the ones who are meant to hear your words, and will stand by you when those words my fall on deaf ears. SLAY on.
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you worry about sharing your true self with others and what they may think or how they may react? Why? Are there examples from your past where things have gone negatively? What happened? Should you have done something different? Or, was the result not your issue, but someone else’s who didn’t want to hear, or chose not to hear, what you had to say? Do you have fear about sharing your truth? Why? Do you see that when you don’t share your truth you are telling yourself that your truth, your feelings, your actions don’t matter? They do SLAYER. Stand tall in who you are, share your heart with others, and if someone doesn’t want to hear, or can’t hear, what you have to say, let them go, perhaps they will return when they are ready.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes
Why are we so averse to change? Well, we’re certainly not averse to the circumstances changing in our lives that we don’t like, we just don’t want to have to change to change it. Therein lies the rub. Change starts with us. In order for anything in our lives to change, we have to make changes in order for that to happen. Did that just make you break out in hives?
Change used to make my anxiety level shoot up immediately. I hated change. I can still sometimes be resistant to it, but now it’s more about when a website changes its interface and I can’t find anything, or a favorite restaurant changes its menu and gets rid of my favorite dish, why do they do things like that? I have learned on my journey so far that I need to make the changes I want to see happen, I need to do the footwork, without that nothing changes.
I used to live my life in this constant cycle of same. One day just like the next because I kept doing the same things. I hated where I was, but I only knew one thing and I stayed there, just spinning my wheels to insanity because every day was just like the last. I kept thinking that life would just change it for me, by somehow just wishing for it, without any more effort from me than that. Well, if that’s you I’ve got a newsflash for you, it won’t change, and if it does, it’s probably for the worse, not better. You have the power to make a change and to set your life in a new direction. When I did that for myself, for me, it was reaching out for help, that act set the course of my life into one of recovery, of hope, of better choices, of self-love and healing, that one act of change changed the entire direction of my life, which as lead me right here.
Knowing what the power of change has done for me, I now look at change as a powerful act, something I can do because it’s within my control, I can choose to make different choices, better choices, I can make choices that are loving to myself, that honor myself, and when I do that, my life always changes for the better. Instead of looking at it as work, I now look at it as taking my power back instead of acting like a victim of life, I can make positive changes that will take me in the direction that I want to go, life will always do it’s dance, but if we can change our steps or learn some new dance moves, we can learn to dance along with it, even if we get knocked down from time to time, when we fall, we learn, and we make different choices the next time that same dance comes our way.
If we are not changing, we are not learning, we are not challenging ourselves, and testing what we are capable of, what we believe we deserve, and showing the universe we are willing to do the work to get it. When we demonstrate our willingness to change, the universe listens. And sometimes it starts right there, just by being willing, even before we are ready for the act, just the consideration of it can bring about change.
We all have sat in a state of frustration and thought, when are things going to change, they’re going to change when you do, so why not start today? What’s stopping you SLAYER?
SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you averse to change? Why do you think that is? What about change scares you, or makes you uncomfortable? What do you think your biggest roadblock is to change? How do you think you can overcome that? In the past, have there been instances where you have made a change and the result was different? Site those examples. Do you see that you making the change or changes caused things in your life to change? What stops you today from making changes? What in your life today, that you have control over, can you change to live your life in a healthier happier way? What’s stopping you? I challenge you SLAYER to be open to that change, to consider it, and of course, to take the necessary steps to make that change for you. Find it in you to overcome your fear to change, and make that fear less than the fear of staying the same. SLAY on!
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
When Someone Tries To Shame Us, It Only Shames Them
Most of us have experienced it at some point.
Someone calls us out for not knowing something.
Mocks a decision we made.
Ridicules us for a mistake.
Speaks with just enough condescension to make us feel small.
Shame has a way of landing fast and hard — especially when we’re already feeling vulnerable. And in that moment, it can trigger an old, familiar ache: the part of us that once believed we were “less than,” “different,” or “not good enough.”
But here’s the truth we often forget when shame is directed at us:
When someone tries to shame you, it says far more about them than it ever does about you.
Shame is not strength.
It’s insecurity in disguise.
Shame Is a Projection Not a Truth
People who are grounded in themselves don’t need to humiliate others. They don’t gain confidence by tearing someone down. They don’t feel threatened by curiosity, learning, or different experiences.
When someone tries to shame you for not knowing something or for making a choice they believe was “obvious,” what they’re really doing is projecting their own discomfort.
It’s the need to feel superior.
The need to be right.
The need to appear knowledgeable or important.
And more often than not, that behavior is rooted in low self-esteem — not high confidence.
Shame is rarely about education or growth.
It’s about power.
Why Shame Hurts Even When We Know Better
Even when we intellectually understand that shame isn’t about us, it can still sting.
Why?
Because shame targets our most tender places — the parts of us shaped by past experiences, criticism, rejection, or moments when we were made to feel wrong for simply being human.
On the wrong day, at the wrong moment, someone’s words can slip past our logic and land directly in our nervous system.
That doesn’t mean you’re weak.
It means you’re human.
And it’s exactly why compassion — for yourself first — matters so much in these moments.
We All Come From Different Places And That Matters
No two people arrive at life with the same background, education, experiences, or opportunities. We learn different things at different times, through different paths.
That’s what makes conversations interesting.
That’s what creates diversity of thought.
That’s what keeps us growing.
It is impossible — and unreasonable — to expect anyone to know everything.
There is no shame in learning.
There is no shame in asking questions.
There is no shame in saying, “I don’t know.”
In fact, there is far more strength in curiosity than in pretending you already have all the answers.
When I Realized I Had Been on the Other Side
I can say this honestly: I haven’t always handled this perfectly.
Before I was living the life I live now, before I found self-love, self-worth, and self-respect, I had moments where I tried to elevate myself by putting someone else down.
And if I’m being truthful, I know exactly why.
I felt insecure.
I felt less than.
I felt like I needed to prove something.
Belittling someone else gave me a temporary sense of control — a fleeting boost that never lasted. And afterward, it always felt worse. Heavier. More disconnected.
Once I started living in alignment with who I truly am, that behavior didn’t just stop feeling good — it felt wrong.
Because when you build real confidence, you no longer need to steal it from someone else.
Compassion Without Tolerance
Understanding why someone shames doesn’t mean excusing it.
You can have compassion and boundaries.
You can recognize someone’s pain without accepting their behavior.
You can see the truth without internalizing it.
I don’t tolerate shaming behavior anymore — but I also don’t take it personally.
Because I know what it looks like when someone isn’t in a good place.
And I know it has nothing to do with me.
You Are Not Required to Know Everything
Let this be your reminder:
You are not required to know everything.
You are not required to be perfect.
You are not required to justify your learning curve.
There is power in humility.
There is power in growth.
There is power in owning where you are without apology.
When someone tries to shame you, remember this:
If it wasn’t you, it would be someone else.
That tells you everything you need to know.
You Control What You Carry Forward
You can’t control how others behave.
But you can control what you absorb.
You get to decide whether someone else’s insecurity becomes your burden — or whether you set it down and walk away lighter.
And here’s the truth that matters most:
Knowing who you are is far more powerful than knowing whatever someone thinks you should know.
You don’t need to shrink.
You don’t need to defend.
You don’t need to explain your worth.
Just be you.
That is enough.
SLAY Reflection
Let’s reflect, SLAYER:
S: Have you ever been shamed for something you didn’t know or a decision you made? How did it make you feel?
L: Looking back, can you see how that moment reflected the other person’s insecurity rather than your worth?
A: Have you ever been on the other side and shamed someone else? What was going on inside you at the time?
Y: How can you choose self-respect and compassion the next time shame shows up — whether from someone else or within yourself?
Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
Have you experienced someone trying to shame you — and how did you handle it?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.
And if you know someone who’s carrying shame that isn’t theirs, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.
We’re Only As Sick As Our Secrets
For a long time, my entire life was a secret.
I hid what I was thinking.
I hid what I was doing.
I hid how I was really feeling.
I carried shame, confusion, and anger quietly, convincing myself that keeping everything inside was somehow safer than letting anyone see the truth. I believed secrecy gave me control.
Instead, it made me sick.
Very sick.
And the hardest truth to accept was this:
I was the one holding myself there.
The Illusion of Control That Secrets Create
When we keep secrets, it often feels like protection.
We tell ourselves we’re avoiding judgment.
We think we’re sparing others.
We believe silence keeps us in control.
But secrets don’t protect us — they isolate us.
They keep us from asking for help.
They keep us from being known.
They keep us trapped in our own minds.
I believed that if no one knew, I could manage it on my own. But what I was really doing was cutting myself off from the very things that could have helped me heal.
The Moment the Truth Lost Its Power
Everything changed the first time I asked for help.
The first time I said out loud what I had been hiding.
That’s when I heard a phrase that landed like a weight in my chest:
“You’re only as sick as your secrets.”
It was devastating — and freeing — all at once.
Because suddenly, I could see how much suffering I had endured not because of what I’d done, but because I refused to speak it. The moment I shared my truth, it lost its grip on me.
There was nothing left to hide.
And in that openness, I found freedom.
Shame Thrives in Silence
Secrets feed shame.
They whisper that we are bad people.
That we’re unlovable.
That no one would understand.
But shame lies.
There is nothing you’ve done that someone else hasn’t already done, felt, or survived. We like to believe our pain makes us uniquely broken — but the truth is, our experiences connect us far more than they separate us.
When we share our truth, what we usually meet is not punishment — but understanding. Compassion. Connection.
And sometimes, in telling our story, we give someone else permission to tell theirs.
Why I’m Not Afraid to Share My Story
People often ask me if I’m afraid to share my truth publicly.
Do I worry about judgment?
Do I fear what people might think?
And the answer is no.
Because the people who matter most in my life already know my story — the broad strokes, the truth of where I’ve been and who I am now. I told them years ago, and in doing so, I was released from the bondage of my past.
I own my story.
I own my choices.
And I also know I am no longer that person.
There is power in that clarity — far more power than silence ever gave me.
Secrecy Makes Us Vulnerable Honesty Makes Us Safe
The kind of “power” secrets give us is false.
It feels like control, but it actually leaves us exposed — to ourselves, to our darkness, and sometimes to people who would exploit what we hide.
Honesty removes that leverage.
When you are open, there is nothing to hold over you. No threat. No fear of being found out. You get to stand in truth instead of hiding behind it.
And that truth doesn’t just heal you — it protects you.
Sharing Your Truth Builds Real Connection
Being honest about where we’ve come from allows people to understand us more fully.
It deepens relationships.
It opens communication.
It builds trust.
Sometimes it also keeps us physically or emotionally safe — especially when others need to understand our boundaries, our triggers, or the reasons we must protect ourselves from certain people or situations.
Your truth gives context to your needs.
And context invites compassion.
Freedom Lives on the Other Side of Secrecy
At the end of the day, you hold the key to your freedom.
Keeping secrets you believe are “unshareable” doesn’t protect you — it imprisons you. It keeps you from intimacy, from support, and from fully living your life.
You don’t have to tell everyone everything.
But you do need to tell someone.
Because secrecy keeps pain alive — and truth allows it to heal.
You are only as sick as your secrets.
Don’t let them own you.
SLAY Reflection
Let’s reflect, SLAYER:
S: Are there parts of your life or past you’ve never shared with anyone?
L: What fears keep you holding those secrets?
A: What do you believe would happen if you spoke your truth out loud?
Y: How might your life change if you chose honesty over hiding?
Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
Have you ever experienced freedom after sharing something you thought you had to hide?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.
And if you know someone who’s carrying secrets that are weighing them down, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.
