Before stepping on this path I was very addicted to control. Control to me felt like safety. When my world felt unsure, when I didn’t know what was around the next corner, or when I felt like people were watching me, wanting me to fail, I tried to control everything I could, even things I couldn’t. I was always tightly wound, trying to keep things together, and trying to make things happen the way I wanted to. It exhausted me. It also frustrated me, because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t control everything, no one can.
That need to control became like a drug. It was something I chased. And when I was able to control something I got a shot, or hit, that gave me a high, and then I was off for the next fix. And when I couldn’t control something the feeling and realization of that always hit me hard, and the bullshit committee in my head would get loud telling me I wasn’t good enough and was a failure. And as my life continued to spin out of control that need for control grew inside of me, like a rope I was desperately trying to hang onto but was slipping out of my hands. Control, for me, was a way to counteract my fear, so when I was told I had to let go to save my life, I was terrified.
Letting go of my need for control didn’t come easy, and sometimes I still catch myself trying to control things, not nearly like I did before, but, there is still a part of me that reaches for that when I feel like my world is, well, out of control. My disease will also disguise it as other things, like food, shopping, relationships, so I don’t notice it at first, but it all comes from the same place, fear. We, as human beings, can’t control everything, it’s impossible, so living a life hellbent on control is only going to drive you into the ground. For me, it’s where my disease wanted me, because it could then keep fuel on the fire that I was a failure, it was a place I was most vulnerable, and the endless need for control kept me so busy I couldn’t see what was truly happening and why. Once I made an effort to stop it, with the help of a counselor, support groups, and others like me who were on the same path, that is when I finally saw the truth in what I had been doing, and how I had been living my life. Coming to terms with why was a hard pill to swallow, but knowing the why helped me to stop the behavior. As I always say, what is the root of the problem? It is finding the answer there, that allows you to get better.
Today I no longer try to control, in fact today when I was thinking about an opportunity I would like, I immediately heard myself say to myself, you’ve done the footwork, now let it go. And that is how I live my life today. I do the work towards a goal or opportunity, I ask myself if there is anything else I can or should do, and if the answer is no, I let it go. That is the place I live in today, that is the place I have to live in today to live a healthy and happy life. And trust me, it is a much easier place to live, and much less exhausting. No matter how hard you try, you don’t have the power to control life so stop trying, control what you can, accept what you can’t, and focus on what you can change to be your best you. That you can control.
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you obsess about things? Do you try to control things in your life? What do you try to control? Why? Are you able to control it? How does trying to control things benefit you? How does it harm you? Write down all the things you try to control. Write down a Y or N if you are able to control those things. Count how many Y’s and N’s you have. Which have more? Do you feel that if you don’t try to control something that something bad will happen? It won’t SLAYER. All you can do is the work that’s in front of you, do the work, trust that you’ve done what you can, and let the results go, you have no control over what the results will be, so stop trying to control something you can’t. Let go, live your life, and set yourself free, you may just get more of what you want by learning to control you need for control. SLAY on!
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you