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Loved Into Loving

When I first stepped on this path I hated myself. I didn’t even know if I was worth saving, or that I could change the way I felt about myself. I had lived so long as a liar and had done so many things to harm myself, I was so ashamed of the place I had taken my life that I wasn’t sure there was a way back from that. I was lucky enough to have had a friend who had come back from a very similar place and he found his way back, and not even back really, he found a new place, and he found self-love. He was the one I reached out to at my lowest low, when my head was telling me that the only way out was to die, I was blessed with enough fight in me to pick up the phone, instead of something else, and ask for help. Walking on this new path was scary, I felt exposed and fragile, and I was. It was the first time in my life that I was truly being honest, with myself, and those around me, that was scary, especially for someone who hated herself. The thought of having to let out my deepest darkest secrets and somehow find love for myself in the process seemed like an impossible task, but I was blessed with an incredible group of people around me who supported me, and, loved me into loving.

I didn’t really understand what they meant when someone would say to me that they would love me until I could love myself. At first, it just seemed like a line someone would say to make themselves look and sound better. I mean, I hated myself, and I have the most to gain by finding self-love, so how could someone else love me when I didn’t? Then I also thought, well, if you do love me it’s because you don’t know me yet, once I tell you who I really am, that will change, and that love will go away. But it didn’t. In fact it got stronger. The more open and honest I was able to be with these incredible people, and myself, the more they loved me, so much so that I could feel it each time I let my guard down a little more, and little by little, through their love, I began to love myself. It was easier to see love through their eyes, to see how much they cheered for every one of my victories, to see how they were there on those difficult days, and to encourage me to keep going and discover my true self. I certainly had doubt along the way, but it helped on those days to have their support and love to remind me that I was worth fighting for.

Before starting this journey I didn’t tell people I loved them openly, it was very rare. It’s not that I didn’t love the people in my life, I did, but because I didn’t feel it for myself I was hesitant to say it to others because I felt like it was mostly just words. When you tell someone you love them it comes from that place of love in yourself, like your love is shared with them, or your love recognizes the love in them and acknowledges it, so when I only felt hate towards myself it felt false to say that I loved someone else. As I began to feel love for myself through the love of others, and through doing the work I need to do to forgive, accept myself and let go of the past, that love I was now feeling for myself spilled out to the people in my life, and it certainly spilled out to the people who loved me into loving.

Love is the most powerful vibration in the universe. When we tap into it, whether ourselves, or through others, miracles happen. I’ve often said to SLAYERS who are having a bad day of self-doubt and self-hatred, that I love them, and if they respond in a way that tells me they don’t, I tell them again that I love them anyway, and I’m happy to love them for them until they can find the love for themselves. You have to let the love in to let it grow inside of you. We are all worthy of love, and we all have the ability to love ourselves, if we just let that love in. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you love yourself? If yes, why? If not, why not? What stops you from loving yourself? Why do you think you’re unlovable? Are these reasons valid today or stories from your past, or someone else’s opinion who may be struggling with love? What are three ways you can show yourself love today? How can you share that love with others? When someone tells you they love you, do you believe them? If not, why not? Do you tell people you love them? If you do, are you lying? You’re not SLAYER. Find your way into self-love, whether through the love of others, or by showing someone you care about the love you have to share. Sending out or receiving love gets you into loving, yourself, and those around you. I love you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Shapeshifter

When I was very ill, it was obvious what needed to change in my life for me to get better, and once I removed that from my life my disease started to reach for other things that I could use to try to fill the void I felt inside, to soothe me or to try to quiet my mind. It was so seamless at times I didn’t even realize I was doing it, and it sometimes worked it’s way in as things that wouldn’t necessarily raise a red flag at first, sugar, caffeine, shopping, overeating, not eating enough, exercise, even gum chewing, the behaviors or habits would start and because I was so focused on the removal of something else that brought me to my knees, I wasn’t looking at these others things. Mental illness is very cunning, it will disguise itself as anything it needs to to survive. It watches and listens as you get better, and tries to find the work-around, and, if we let our guards down, it succeeds. I’ve seen it at work in my own life, and it has almost succeeded, and, I’ve seen it succeed in others’ lives, and take lives. It shows no mercy. It doesn’t care who you are, where you’ve come from, that you may be a loving talented person, it wants what it wants, and mine wants me dead.

The trick for me is stay on top of things. To not let old habits slide, and to stay accountable for my actions. I have an incredible network of people in my life who I stay honest with, and when I notice something flare up or that I may be falling back I call myself out, that way I now have to take action, and there is going to be a person, or people, there to check in on me.

Before stepping on this path I kept anything I thought was bad to myself. I never shared anything with anyone except the good stuff, and even then I was a little hesitant because I was concerned I would jinx it, or that the person I was sharing it with wouldn’t like me anymore. This was the insanity of my head. So when I made the commitment to get well I had to out myself on everything. No more secrets. And damn it felt so good. After a lifetime of putting on an act or showing you only what I thought you wanted to see, it felt so good to just be myself, the good, the bad and the ugly, especially the ugly, to just let it all out. The reaction I got was incredible, so much support, but that’s not why I did it, I did it because it was imperative for my survival, and my recovery, but the support and love helped quiet down my disease that used to tell me that no one cared, they did care, and always had, but I hadn’t let them.

Being open and honest about who we are and what we struggle with sheds light on our disease, or illness. When we are open and honest we let the light in and those damaging habits or behaviors can’t hide in the shadows like they once could. We have to stay vigilant about our own recovery and health, mind, body and spirit, because when we’re looking the other way what we think we’re battling can shapeshift into something else that we think is harmless, and that’s when it can do the most harm. When you notice something coming up more frequently in your life, take notice of it, it could be a sign that something is running amok in your life while you’re attention is elsewhere. As much as we think we can outsmart it, it knows what we know and the moment we let our guard down, or have a moment of doubt, it takes that opportunity to slide in and lay some roots. The key to our best selves, and healthy selves, is to be open and honest about who we are and where we are, to remove those things from our lives that take us down an undesirable path, and that harm our spirit. Watch out for the shapeshifter in your life, and identify it for what it really is, that is the only way to reduce it’s power and to take yours back. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you notice your disease, mental illness, or struggles shapeshift in your life? How so? How have you caught it? How have you quashed it? How has it gotten the best of you at times? How can you stay on top of things and keep it from shapeshifting? Typically when things shapeshift in our lives it’s because we’re taking something bigger on and our disease feels threatened, or we’re not being honest about who we are and what we’re struggling with, truth will stop it in it’s tracks, it has nowhere to hide in our truth, so let your light shine in all the shadow places it likes to hide and share your truth with those around you, once you get to the source of your struggles you have the ultimate weapon at your disposal, and no amount of shapeshifting can survive that.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Our greatest good is what we can do for others.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Change The World

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Let no one discourage you. You don’t need a fan club to achieve your goals. Be your own motivation.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Ships

Slay Talk Live Video

Hello SLAYER! For those of you that couldn’t join us tonight, here’s what you missed…Daphne is exhausted from her first livestream. SLAY on!

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Sometimes people just need someone to listen and acknowledge what they’ve said. No advice. No words. Just an ear.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

state of slay listen

Honor Each Other’s Experience

I was with a group of people recently, and someone was sharing about a very dark time in their life and how she turned things around to the life she has today. Shortly after her sharing her story someone else chimed in to share a time when things were dark in their life, and make a comment like her story was a walk in the park compared to his. My heart sank a little in that moment for the person who had first spoken up, because by doing what he did it seemed like he was saying that her story wasn’t nearly as bad as his and so not as valid. We all have things we experience, good and bad, and it’s important that we honor those experiences in each other and not try to diminish them or one-up each other to come up with the worst, or best, story, it’s about listening and giving that person their moment.

Before stepping on this path I was guilty of doing just that, many times, trying to take someone’s moment by coming up with some bigger, better, or badder, story to share. I realize now that I was doing that to make myself feel better, because I felt less than, and by taking away someone else’s experience as being valid it would inflate my ego and steal the spotlight from them. That behavior sounds disgusting as I see it in print so many years removed from it, but I did it regularly for most of my life.

We all have our own journey and path ahead of us, all of our experiences are valid and ours to own and share with others, they are what have made us who we are, have taught us what we’ve needed to learn, or have given us hope when we’ve needed it. No one has the right to take any of those away from us, and really, no one can unless we let them. The woman who had first shared her story took that moment in stride, she smiled, understanding what was going on, and knew that her story was an integral part of her journey, and perhaps by the man sharing his even darker story right after, may have also shown her that things could get worse if she chose to return to the life that had gotten her to that dark place years ago. Really, it’s all about perception, and how we choose to receive the information we’re being given. As much as I was annoyed by the man who tried to steal her moment, I realized that everything happens for a reason, and perhaps that woman needed to hear how bad things had gotten for him to put things in perspective for herself, or to find some gratitude that she didn’t have to do down that far to realize she needed to find a way out.

Most times, all anyone really wants is to be heard. No matter what the situation, we all want our story, thoughts, and ideas to be heard, and it’s important to give those moments to those we come into contact with. As I learned to walk on this path I had to learn to listen, without interrupting, and honor each person’s story, concern, or idea before chiming in with my two cents, and, learning that I should only be offering my 2 cents if asked for it, that person may not want it and may just need someone to listen without interruption or a rebuttal.

Each time we find ourselves in a situation where someone is sharing themselves it’s important to give them their moment, and if there is an appropriate time and it seems right to share our experience in relation to that then by all means chime in, as long as you’re adding something positive or constructive to the conversation without taking away from someone else’s experience. We all have a right to have our own experiences, and no one’s is more important than the ones we’re having ourselves, those moments help us grow, guide us, and give us strength, and no one can take that away from us. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like you have to one-up someone when they are sharing a story or telling about an experience they’ve had? Why do you think you feel you need to do that? What does that say about you? How do you feel when someone does that to you? Have you told someone in the moment how that makes you feel? If not, why not? Do you see how each of us have the right to the experiences and stories we’ve had and have the right to share those experiences with others? All of our experiences are important, they make up the fabric of our lives, don’t let anyone try to take those away from you, and, don’t try to take someone else’s away to try to make yours seem more important. We all get to share our stories.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! A good exercise for the heart is to bend down and help someone else up.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

state of slay light (1)

H.O.P.E. – Help Other People Everyday

I have a special anniversary coming up in a few days, a day I think of as my actual “birthday.” It is the day, 13 days ago, that I decided to let go of the way I had been living my life and the day I asked for help. This day was a long time coming, and truthfully could have, and probably should have come earlier in my life, but it came when it was supposed to, and when I was ready, 100%, to do the work and find a solution a problem that was dead set on taking my life. A big part of how I became ready to make this big change came in part from a story a friend shared with me about his struggle with the same disease. The night he told me his story, it seemed like just that, an incredible true story of someone who had fought his way out of the darkness to now live in the light. A remarkable journey, and one I was quite in awe of, and it remained just an incredible story for months after that. But for whatever reason, those months later, on a dark dark night, a night I became very scared I may harm myself to stop my pain, I remembered that story, and for the first time I recognized myself in the beginning of that story, the part where there was pain and suffering, it resonated with my life then, and I realized that there may just be hope for someone like me, that maybe, just maybe, I too, like my friend, might have a fighting chance against my own head that wanted me dead.

I have never forgotten that story, and that gift that friend gave to me so many years ago, and I make it a point to give back that gift whenever I can, this blog is a huge part of that, but being of service, or helping others can come in many forms, it can be as simple as a smile or saying hello, or, perhaps just showing up. When we simply show up we show others that they matter, they’re worth it, and depending on where you’ve shown up to, you may also show someone who is there that there is hope, and they matter. You see, it was a little light of hope that kept me going, kept me moving to the light back then, it wasn’t very bright at first, but it was there, and it was enough to get me to keep putting one step in front of the other, even when my head told me I couldn’t, hope told me I could and to just do it and trust where that step would lead me.

Hope is something magical. You can’t see it on it’s own, but you can in others. You can see it in people’s eyes, in their actions, in their words, and when hope is there anything can happen. We can offer our hope to others by showing them we care, we see them, we hear them, by doing nice things, or by simply being there. In my early days, when things were still dark, sometimes just seeing someone else struggling with the same issues I was gave me hope, to know I wasn’t alone, and when someone with those same struggles had any kind of success, we all felt like we succeeded because even if it wasn’t our personal victory, we saw that it was possible, and we all kept going.

We all have the ability to help other people everyday, whether small or large. We can offer our heart, our truth, or kindness, and compassion, and you just never know how that could impact that person’s life, they may even be writing about it 13 years later from the other side of that pain and that struggle, grateful for the hope you shared with them on one important day. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like you have something to offer others? Do you see that your struggles may give someone else comfort or hope? Have you received comfort or hope from someone else’s struggles? How? When we do something to help another individual it takes us outside of ourselves, even on our worst day, in fact, especially on our worst day, that time we spend to help another person becomes about them, and it takes focus off of ourselves, and many times, just by reaching out, even with a smile and a hello, that darkness we may be feeling lifts and our day becomes brighter. Every one of us has something to offer, we all have experiences that may be just what someone else needs to hear about, whether you’ve overcome them or not, it’s the commonality that helps us through a tough time, and sometimes, even with the intention of helping someone else, it helps us most of all.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Talk Live Video

Hey SLAYERS! Couldn’t join us tonight for SLAY TALK LIVE, no problem, I got you covered, here’s what you missed!