Mental Health

Why, Why, Why Can’t I Be Normal?

When I was struggling, and even when I started this journey of healthy living and addressing my mental health, when the road ahead seemed especially daunting, or the road beneath my feet seemed uneven, I would wish that I could just be normal. Now, that makes me laugh, because, what is normal anyway? I still don’t know. And, I’ve learned that all those difficult things, those are the different things that connect me to the most important people in my life. And really, I don’t know if anyone truly is normal, I think we all have our own struggles, whether we voice them or not, I think some of us are just better at hiding them, to appear normal, than others. I was especially good at it for a long time, but I knew I wasn’t. I knew something was wrong and instead of facing it head-on, I tried just wishing it away.

I wasted a lot of time wishing I was normal, thinking if maybe if I just pretended I could make it so, but while I did that my disease got worse and I kept sliding lower and lower into the pit of darkness I eventually called home. When I finally got help I was relieved to finally not be living a lie anymore, but I was also resentful that I had to work through my mental illness and that I was told it was something I would be doing for life. For life!? Ugh! Why can’t I just be normal? I would slide back to that. The fact of the matter was, and is, I’m not normal, and I do have to practice self-care each day to make sure I am able to live the life I want to life and to keep myself in the light. Is that an impossible task? Absolutely not. Are some days harder than others? Of course. And on those difficult days I can still wish to be normal, even 12 ½ years into this journey, but, what I know is that I am on this path for a reason. I am here to be of service, to encourage other, non-normal, people to embrace who they are and to take care of themselves, I can walk with them on their journey, and they me, and together we make one heck of a non-normal SUPER SLAYER army of people all doing what they can to be their best selves. I’ll take that over normal any day.

What we have may challenge us, but it also makes us special, because you can’t not be special to walk this path, what may seem like a shortcoming or weakness is really what makes us strong, and what makes us persevere and rise to the top. I am a firm believer that we are given the challenges we are because we can handle them, because they will lead us to where and to whom we’re supposed to go and be with, because they will sharpen our tools so we can rise above and be our best selves, and, show others it can bed done. The way I look at it, we are not normal, we are exceptional, and we have the scars to prove it. We are phoenix’s rising from the ash, we are warriors. We could never be any of those things without our struggles, we were never meant to be normal.

So, instead of wishing for something that just isn’t meant to be, focus on what makes you outstanding, what makes you useful to those who are still struggling, what makes you one badass superstar who can shine bright for all the others, just like you, to see. I see you. I embrace you. I am just like you. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you wish you can be normal? What does normal mean to you? What makes you not normal? What makes you exceptional? What have you overcome in your life to live the life you have today? What do you still want to overcome? What parts of you connect with those around you who are like you? Are those the not normal parts? Are you grateful those parts have connected you to others? When you look at those parts as assets, as good, because of what they do for you, they become much less of a burden, you start to look at them differently, and even though there are days when they may seem overwhelming, they are making you stronger, better and sharpening your SLAYER tools. Stop wishing to be something you aren’t, because what you are is exceptional.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When you speak your truth you are doing it for not only yourself, but to show others it’s safe to speak theirs.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

A Voiceless Child

It’s important we always speak our truth. We can become consumed by fear and keep our truth bottled up inside. We may tell ourselves our truth doesn’t matter. Or, that people won’t understand, or care. But when we don’t express who we are or how we feel we tell ourselves that we don’t matter, that our voice doesn’t matter, that what we’re unworthy, and we sink down into our own darkness, sentencing ourselves to life as if we are a voiceless child without a way to communicate that we need help.

We are not voiceless children, we can get help, but that need for that help has to be bigger than our fear of reaching out for it. At least it had to for me. There were many times, many signs, that I needed help, but fear, shame and pride kept me from doing so. To take the onus off of myself I played the victim, that I wasn’t capable or worthy of getting the help I needed. My disease also told me that I deserved to suffer, deserved to be punished for who I was and what I had been doing to get by. I did feel like a voiceless child, sitting alone in the dark. But none of that was the truth. It was just the story I told myself, the story my disease told me, the story the bullshit committee in my head told me, and the narrative I adopted because it took all the blame off myself and allowed me to keep being sick.

My biggest obstacle was fear. Fear was the motivator for most of my decisions before stepping on this path. Fear was the engine that drove my disease, drove everything negative in my life, fear ran my life. Fear is one powerful enemy when we allow it to be. It keeps us from people who care about us. It keeps us from getting the help we need. It keeps us in the dark. And that darkness can consume us. It almost did me. And my fear was so cunning, it actually had me romanticize it and make it sound inviting. Ultimately it was also fear that got me to reach out. I got myself to a place that I knew was very dangerous, and I knew had one final end, and reaching a place where I no longer cared about myself, I got more frightened than I ever had before. That fear, that new sense of terror, was the push I needed to finally speak my truth. And once I did, that voiceless child started to find her voice.

Finding your voice can be scary, but once you start to exercise your right to be heard, it has an incredibly powerful result. We learn to share who we are, what we need and we are able to reach out for the help we need. We learn that once we overcome that fear, walk though it, we stand taller, we get stronger and our community gets bigger. When I found the courage to reach out and finally speak my truth it was like a damn burst inside of me. It felt so good to let out the secrets I had been carrying around.. To not care about being judged, because I knew my life depended on me letting everything out, I knew the only way I could find a solution to how I was feeling was to share it all, and once I did, I let the some light in, and that light felt good. My head still wanted me to believe it wasn’t going to help, and that people were going to think I was crazy, or, that I didn’t deserve the help, but that little bit of light that crept in when I finally spoke up, that light overpowered those negative thoughts, and I kept running toward that light until I felt I could just sit in it for a while and let it shine on me.

Today I live in the light. The darkness doesn’t feel like home anymore. Sometimes I might dip a toe back in the darkness, my head will get me to just check it out, but I get back out because the light is now home. You can find the light in your own life by speaking your truth, no matter what it is, find someone to tell it to, it’s within that moment that the light will come in, and that voiceless child within you will find their voice and fight for the most important person there is, you. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you identify with feeling like a voiceless child? How so? Why do you feel you have no voice? Have you allowed yourself to lose your voice? Have you told yourself that your voice doesn’t matter, or that it won’t be accepted? Has someone else told you that? Why do you believe them? I am here to tell you that your voice does matter, YOU matter, and when you speak your truth magical things start to happen, for you, and those around you. You may just learn how much alike you truly are with those around you, that that loneliness you feel can be quashed with your truth. It is our truth, our story, that connects us to those around us, we all have shared experiences and the only way to learn what they are is to share them with others. Find your voice, step out of the darkness and speak your truth.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Tetris taught me one thing, if you try to fit in, you disappear.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Be you’re best you, everyone else is taken.

SLAY on!

Held With Invisible Hands

I talk a lot about how STATE OF SLAY is a community of like-minded people who love and support each other through their journeys. We talk about carrying a torch for each other, lighting someone’s path when it gets dark. And, I talk about walking next to you on your path as I walk on mine. But we are also all held by invisible hands. We are supported by all the hands of the many SLAYERS around the world, we may not see those hands, but they are there, guiding us, giving us strength, loving us, and cheering us on when we are victorious, or just need a hand to hold. Those hands are always there.

I was thinking about that the other day. I feel you all with me, all the time. Even though we are in different time zones, different parts of the world and on different parts of our paths, we walk as one, and as I often say, no one gets left behind.

Our hands are always stretched out for those in need, they are there to embrace one another in greeting, or in love and support, they hold the hands of others to help when it’s hard to speak, or share our truth, our hands can’t be broken, they make a chain, a link, to all of us, and that chain continues to grow.

I walked most of my life alone. And I felt alone. When I think of all of you out there I know I’m not alone, you are all with me each day and I can feel your hands around me, I hope you can feel ours too. And maybe that’s something to focus on, when we feel anxious, nervous, unsure, visualize those hands with you, holding you, giving you strength, because they’re there, and just by seeing them in your mind, they may give you exactly what you need in that moment.

We share a common goal, we share many common experiences, and we walk this shared path to becoming our best selves. We can’t do that alone, I know I can’t, I tried, and, it’s so much better to do it with others you know, you love, others who understand. Those outreached hands can also help us to learn. We can learn to trust again, or maybe for the first time, we learn that those hands are there when we reach for them, even when we don’t, they are always stretched out in our direction, we can depend on them, and we learn that we can stretch out ours, that it is safe and that we feel good when we do it. Those hands connect us to others, to old friends, to new friends, to those like us, we see that we are not alone, that who we are is OK, that we’re more than OK, that we are incredible and we should celebrate that.

Each and every one us is held up by invisible hands. Whether from this community, or others you may belong to. We are here to support one another, to lift each other up, to share this journey when it gets tough, and to show those who are struggling that it gets better, brighter, and that there is hope. All of our hands reach out to yours, we are always here, even when you don’t see us, we reach out to you, and hope you’ll reach out to us too. There is room for everyone on this path, and sometimes just to get by, it takes a lot of hands. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel supported either here within our community, or within one of your choosing? If yes, why? If not, why? If you don’t, what can you do to connect with others, or at least one person, who can walk with you and share your path with you? Is there something that stops you from connecting? What is it? Is that the truth, or is that a story from your past that is no longer valid? Only you can make it valid today, if it’s an old story, let it go, try something new, reach out to someone who you admire, who’s walking a path of being their authentic self, who will take you along with them. The only person we hurt by not reaching out is us, we lose every time, it is when we learn to overcome our fear to connect with others that our world opens up, it gets brighter, and we see those hands reaching out for us. I challenge you SLAYER, reach out to one new person this week, talk to them, meet up with them, and share with them, you can never have too many hands.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you