help

Never Give Up

I’m spending the weekend with two beautiful souls and have gotten into some lengthy conversations about our stories, our journeys and what has brought us to where we are. Each of us has had a bumpy road, some of the bumps unique to each of us, but many we share in the commonality of having overcome them. As we’ve talked and shared it has brought up emotions, memories, parts of our lives, ourselves, we haven’t thought of for a while, or perhaps buried deep, but as we share from the places we are today, the other side of that turmoil, those challenges, the struggles, it is a reminder to never give up.

I almost did. I thought giving up was the only way to make the pain stop. To end my suffering. I let the darkness wash over me, consume me, and once I had let it take control, that was all I could see. I was a fighter, I was proud of what I had overcome in my life, I thought of myself as a warrior, but at some point my sword just got to heavy, and because I was not sharing my battles with anyone else, it ultimately was a fight I couldn’t fight alone, it was too powerful and the fight too long. I hated the idea of giving up and fought with every last bit of energy I had left before realizing that the one thing I was afraid to do, share my truth, was what was going to save me.

No one can do this alone. We’re not meant to. We each bring strength where others are weak, we each bring knowledge where others may lack it, together we are stronger. We  hold each other up when one of us has fallen, we lift each other up when we don’t have the strength to do it ourselves, and we remind each other to, above all else, never give up, because we are right there fighting with them.

There are so many warriors out there, more than you know, our heads will tell us no one cares, that everyone is to busy, that we don’t matter, but that’s a lie, we are all out here waiting to take action, we just don’t know we’re needed many times unless we are asked to. Sure, we can see when a soldier is down, but we can’t pick them up if they’re not wanting to get up, or don’t tell us that can’t do it on their own. It is up to each and every one of us to ask, to reach out, to take the action necessary to trigger us into action, because we will come, we will come in droves.

Every life is worth fighting for. Every person, every soul is special. Each of us has special gifts we can share and contribute, and if you don’t know what yours are, we’ll tell you. We know. We can see them, and appreciate them, we appreciate you.

Having walked through the darkness, having fought my way out of the pit of despair, I can tell you, it can be done, it wasn’t easy, it took a lot of work, and I didn’t do it alone. When I reached out for help, when I spoke my truth, there was an abundance of help around me, and more support than I could have imagined. The trick is to ask. To walk through the fear of sharing my story, my truth. To not listen to the voices that told me  not to.

Own who are you in this moment, and know that that is not who you have to be, you have the power to change your story, right here, right now. Never give up, always keep fighting, there is something great waiting on the other side of that battle. How do I know? I’m writing this from that side. Please, come and join me. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you suffer in silence? Why do you do that? Why don’t you reach out? Is your answer based in fact or the story you’ve been told or have crafted? Have you chosen the right people to surround yourself with? If not, find those people, look for people who are walking the path you want to be on. Find the people who are willing to help. They are out there. Sometimes it takes more than one try, don’t let that one no keep you in the dark. Keep looking, searching, they’re there, we’re here. Are you afraid of getting better? Do you think you deserve to get better? If not, why not? You do. You deserve to be your best you, to shine bright, to live in the light, don’t listen to people, or you if you’re telling yourself that. Fight. Find the light, even if it’s just a little spec on the ground, go to it, find it, hold on to it, that is enough to start. Share your truth, let the darkness out, and the light in, we’re all here to light the way.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

It’s OK To Say No

I’ve written before that is it’s OK to be sad, it’s OK to not be OK, it’s OK to ask for help, it’s OK to say you don’t know, but it’s also OK to say no.

Before stepping on this path I never wanted to say no, even if saying yes made me angry or uncomfortable, I wanted you to like me because then you wouldn’t ask so many questions, so I figured if I wouldn’t say no, I would stay in all of your good graces. Consequently I made a lot of plans I didn’t like, I agreed to help even when I didn’t have time, or really didn’t want to, but I never wanted to be seen as ‘the bad guy,’ because in my own mind, I was the worst of the worst of all bad guys, and agreeing and saying yes, I thought, hid that from all of you. I carried around a lot of resentment towards all those people that I was not saying no to, but the resentment I should have looked at was the one towards myself, the one that had me saying yes over and over to things I shouldn’t have.

I’m a firm believer that you should never say yes to something unless you want to. Sure, there are things you have to do, like taxes, but in life, unless you want to, and are not expecting anything in return, you should say no. Saying yes to things you don’t really want to do only breeds resentments. When we say yes to things we don’t want to we’re going against who we are and we’re not being our true selves. We may say yes to look good to others, to get something in return, or even to get the credit for our good deed, but none of these reasons are reasons to say yes. And, all of these reasons will produce a resentment if the desired result isn’t received.

So, make it easy on yourself. Say yes if you want to say yes, and say no if you want to say no. It’s OK to say no. Typically I like to give an explanation if I say no, my reasoning for it, because people aren’t usually used to saying no and no can be quite jarring to some people, especially to those people who you’ve constantly been saying yes to. Be true to who you are, and honest, and only say yes when you truly want to say yes, and, don’t be afraid to say no. This also goes back to my blog Are You A People Pleaser? People-pleasers do not follow their heart, or what they want to do, they do what everyone else wants them to do, or, what they think they do. We, as SLAYERS, follow our heart, we help out where and when we can, but not at our own detriment, we are open, honest, and we look for ways to be of service, because we want to, period. No other other reason, no other motive. And, if you don’t want to do it, or can’t, it is OK to say no.

What’s your motivation for saying yes? And, should a lot of those yes’s really be no’s?

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have trouble saying no? Why? What are you afraid of? Where you told that you shouldn’t or can’t say no? To whom? Is this someone from your childhood? How did it make you feel when you were told you couldn’t say no? How do you feel about it now? What if you did say no, what do you think will happen? What’s the worst that could happen? Is that possible result worse than you not being true to yourself? When was the last time you said no? How did it feel? When was the last time you said yes when you would have rather had said no? How did that feel? SLAYER the only person you need to be true to is you, when you take action and it is of pure intentions, then you will never be disappointed, because no matter what the result, you did what you wanted to without expecting anything in return. So, no matter what happens, your actions were true to who you are, and what you intended to do. Be true to yourself, always, SLAYER, do what you want to do, say yes to new things, but it’s also OK to say no, when it’s not right, or you feel that saying yes will compromise your true you. Be honest SLAYER, and never be afraid to speak your truth, even if it is a no. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Every life has purpose, and every story may help someone change theirs.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Story

Slay Talk Live Video

Hey SLAYER! We had an amazing SLAY TALK LIVE today, if you missed us, here’s all the SLAYtastic action.

SLAY on!

Slay Talk Live Video

Hey SLAYERS! Missed us tonight on SLAY TALK LIVE tonight? Not to worry, catch what you missed here.

A great chat with best-selling author Kelly Martin about Dealing With Anxiety.

Why, Why, Why Can’t I Be Normal?

When I was struggling, and even when I started this journey of healthy living and addressing my mental health, when the road ahead seemed especially daunting, or the road beneath my feet seemed uneven, I would wish that I could just be normal. Now, that makes me laugh, because, what is normal anyway? I still don’t know. And, I’ve learned that all those difficult things, those are the different things that connect me to the most important people in my life. And really, I don’t know if anyone truly is normal, I think we all have our own struggles, whether we voice them or not, I think some of us are just better at hiding them, to appear normal, than others. I was especially good at it for a long time, but I knew I wasn’t. I knew something was wrong and instead of facing it head-on, I tried just wishing it away.

I wasted a lot of time wishing I was normal, thinking if maybe if I just pretended I could make it so, but while I did that my disease got worse and I kept sliding lower and lower into the pit of darkness I eventually called home. When I finally got help I was relieved to finally not be living a lie anymore, but I was also resentful that I had to work through my mental illness and that I was told it was something I would be doing for life. For life!? Ugh! Why can’t I just be normal? I would slide back to that. The fact of the matter was, and is, I’m not normal, and I do have to practice self-care each day to make sure I am able to live the life I want to life and to keep myself in the light. Is that an impossible task? Absolutely not. Are some days harder than others? Of course. And on those difficult days I can still wish to be normal, even 12 ½ years into this journey, but, what I know is that I am on this path for a reason. I am here to be of service, to encourage other, non-normal, people to embrace who they are and to take care of themselves, I can walk with them on their journey, and they me, and together we make one heck of a non-normal SUPER SLAYER army of people all doing what they can to be their best selves. I’ll take that over normal any day.

What we have may challenge us, but it also makes us special, because you can’t not be special to walk this path, what may seem like a shortcoming or weakness is really what makes us strong, and what makes us persevere and rise to the top. I am a firm believer that we are given the challenges we are because we can handle them, because they will lead us to where and to whom we’re supposed to go and be with, because they will sharpen our tools so we can rise above and be our best selves, and, show others it can bed done. The way I look at it, we are not normal, we are exceptional, and we have the scars to prove it. We are phoenix’s rising from the ash, we are warriors. We could never be any of those things without our struggles, we were never meant to be normal.

So, instead of wishing for something that just isn’t meant to be, focus on what makes you outstanding, what makes you useful to those who are still struggling, what makes you one badass superstar who can shine bright for all the others, just like you, to see. I see you. I embrace you. I am just like you. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you wish you can be normal? What does normal mean to you? What makes you not normal? What makes you exceptional? What have you overcome in your life to live the life you have today? What do you still want to overcome? What parts of you connect with those around you who are like you? Are those the not normal parts? Are you grateful those parts have connected you to others? When you look at those parts as assets, as good, because of what they do for you, they become much less of a burden, you start to look at them differently, and even though there are days when they may seem overwhelming, they are making you stronger, better and sharpening your SLAYER tools. Stop wishing to be something you aren’t, because what you are is exceptional.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You have two hands, one for helping yourself, and one for helping others.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Hands

How Do You Want To Feel?

I was speaking with a friend the other day about not feeling good about a situation and he turned to me and asked, “how do you want to feel.? That got me thinking. How did I want to feel? And as I started to think about it, I started to feel it. For a few moments I felt the way I wanted to feel, and that got me thinking. What action do I have to take so that I feel this way?

We often can get stuck in our feelings, and feelings can be tricky. They can be tied up in some many things and not necessarily with how we feel about our current situation, but can be tied to experiences and trauma from our past. I know for myself that there have been times on this journey where I gotten triggered by something, unbeknownst to me at the time, and I have reacted to how I’m feeling thinking it is a genuine feeling about where I am currently at, but it’s not. Something or someone has hit that trigger and it’s pulled up something that has nothing to do with the person standing in front of me. It used to baffle me. My hair-trigger reaction to things seemed to flare up immediately, and if I didn’t pause to think about why I might be feeling the way I was I would just react and react to whomever was standing in front of me, only to feel badly later on, or, if I was really not present, blame them for something that they were never involved in at all.

With the help of counseling and therapy I now have a better sense of what those triggers mean and what the root of them are, so that when one flares up, I can, when I take a moment, realize what the true source of that feeling is. Feelings tend to have a lot of baggage, and far-reaching tentacles in our lives. But feelings also aren’t’ facts. Feelings can tell us a lot about ourselves and what’s going on for us, but we can also manipulate them, or have a skewed perception, of what the true facts actually are. I used to romanticize a lot of things, or, make them far worse than they really were. It was all about really high highs and really low lows for me, when really, a lot of those things, probably fell more in the middle. But the memory of them, and my feelings of them, where at either a 1 or a 10. and, I would get stuck there. To the point where it seemed like I either didn’t care or I was in a complete rage, with no warning. Sometimes that can still happen, and when it does I know I have more work to do there, it’s a sign that I still need to work on what that trigger is and how to make peace with it.

But back to feeling the way you want to feel. Just by thinking about that, you do feel that feeling. It’s like an instant shot, and it may only stay for a moments, until our brain kicks in and brings you back to reality, but, if it can do it for a few moments we know we can go there, it’s attainable, we can get it, so the next question is, how?

You know I’m always about taking action, it’s what keeps us on a positive path, and makes us warriors. So, what can you do today to feel the way you want to feel? When you ask yourself that, the answers come, and if they don’t, just start by taking some positive action, any positive action, and keep asking yourself that same question. Sometimes, we can’t do it alone, I know I couldn’t at the beginning, and sometimes I still need the help of someone else, so don’t put pressure on yourself to have it all figured out right away, it takes practice, and there’s no prize for doing it alone.

Choose to feel the way you want to feel, and if you don’t, take action to go after that feeling. Even the thought of that makes me feel good. Take action to feel good SLAYER.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to get stuck in the way you are feeling and feel like there’s no way out? How would you rather feel than how you’re feeling right now? What can you do to attain that, or, get closer to it? What have you tried in the past? What has worked? What hasn’t worked? What have you still not tried? What would you like to try? Try it SLAYER. Think right now, about how you want to feel, and before your brain kicks in to say you can’t, say yes I can, and go after that feeling. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Create Healthy Habits, Not Restrictions

When I first stepped on this path I had to change most of the ways I did things. I had to face the fact that me doing things my way brought me to my knees. That my best thinking had gotten me to my bottom.  And that I couldn’t do it alone, and that trying to do so I caused myself a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering.  The habits I formed were based on two things, fight, or flight,  none of them were healthy, and the unhealthy part of myself loved that, thought I deserved that, and gave me a small twang of pleasure when I would act out on those habits that were harming myself. So, because I practically had to start from scratch I had to look at all of those changes as new healthy habits, not restrictions.

Restrictions were something I always pushed back at, I still do, but try to soften and look at the reasoning behind them, but when I was starting to get better, even though I had positive intentions, I still had a negative mind, the word restriction was still, very much, a four letter word to me. The last thing I wanted was something that was labeled as limiting or controlling. I had already cut out all of the things that I had been using to numb myself and to get by, so to think of replacing all of those things, which I thought freed me from my thoughts and feelings, I certainly wasn’t going to be on board with anything that was a restriction. And, because this new path was one that was one of better mental health, replacing those vices with healthy habits seemed like a better fit, and one I wasn’t going to rebel against as much, because when I did come up against that resistance I would remind myself it was for better health. Going back to the word health, I also had to remember that old habits can be difficult to break, especially when you’ve used them most of your life, so you’re going to slip back into old behaviors, so when I did, I had to learn to be kind to myself and recognize that even if I slipped, even the recognition that I had slipped was a win, and to love myself for that and try the better choice the next time. Those negative voices in my head would pop up and tell me that I was a failure and that I couldn’t change, but I had to try to ignore that as best as I could, and, counter those thoughts with something positive to show myself that I could change, and that doing something good for myself, and loving, through the learning process was change and proof that I could make that positive change if I just kept trying to do it.

It’s just like going on a diet. When we restrict the foods we eat we tend to just want them more, or we feel deprived, but if we just strive to eat healthy and make better choices in our diet, even if we slip it’s not the end of the world, we just make a healthier choice next time. The idea of a restriction just makes most of us want to rebel and plow through that restriction with a vengeance, or at least I do. Looking at something as a healthier choice is a positive way to look at the changes you want in your life. It’s about making a choice to put a positive spin on the work you are doing to be your best you, even that itself is a healthy habit.

I continued to add more and more healthy habits in my life which eventually replaced most of the unhealthy ones, some of those old ones just don’t want to go away and pop up from time to time, but the good far outweighs the bad, and when the old ones do pop up, I can recognize them and use them to identify what’s going on for me that my old, negative, ways have jumped in thinking they were right for the job. They now help me pinpoint what may be wrong and what I need to address or work on, so, even those negative habits can be turned into something positive.

SLAYER, if you’re working on making changes in your life and the thought of restrictions, control, or limitations make your skin crawl, flip the script, and think of them as healthy habits, ways for you to walk in the light, to be someone you can be proud of, and someone who may just inspire others to do so as well. Make healthier choices for the life you want to live, and the person you are meant to be, it’s all in your hands to make it happen.

SLAY OF THE DAY:  When you hear the word restrictions what do you think of? How does that make you feel? How have you reacted to restrictions in the past? If you hear the words healthy habits, how does that make you feel?  What healthy habits have you implemented in your life? How has that changed or life or made it better? Which negative habits do you struggle with? When you notice yourself fall back into old behaviors, what is your reaction? Do you beat yourself up? Or, do you acknowledge them and strive to do better next time? Habits take time to form, good or bad, so set your intention to make better choices, with that intention you are always looking to do what’s right and best for you, but no one gets it right every single time so include, with your intention to make better choices, the choice to let yourself make mistakes and learn from them, it’s within that place that we learn the most. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You are enough. You have always been enough. You will always be enough. You matter.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Important 1