depression

Do You Build Up Walls To Protect Your Disease?

When I was living in my disease I built up walls. I thought I was building them up to protect me from all of you. From the big bad cruel world that was out to get me. But what I was really doing was building walls to protect my disease so I could stay sick. I didn’t want to stay sick, but that’s what’s tricky about mental illness, it controls our thoughts and actions without us even knowing it, making us think what we’re doing is our idea, when it’s really not, or in our best interest. Those walls that I built to protect me, only protected me from getting well, and behind those walls I kept getting sicker.

When I think back to those years I struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, and bad habits and decisions that did harm to my overall mental, spiritual and physical health, my decline was so seamless I didn’t even notice it until I felt overwhelmed by it. I had been setting up my own decent into darkness for years and years, and as each year passed, I built up more and more walls to keep me from connecting from those people, places and things that could have had a positive influence on me. I didn’t want a positive anything in my life, even though I thought I did, but truthfully as the years went on I didn’t feel I deserved it, so I set myself up to fail, to fall deeper and deeper into the dark until I almost wasn’t able to find my way out. I would have been offended back then if someone had said I had disease, much less that I had been protecting it, but that is the truth of what was going on, and I am responsible for my part and acknowledging my disease was the first step in taking my life back.

We all can build walls to protect us from things we think are there to harm us. But how many of us have built them to protect us from getting help, or better, and we’re actually protecting our disease and keeping ourselves sick because that is what we know and think where we’re supposed to be? What are our walls protecting exactly? Only we can be rigorously honest and ask ourselves that truth.

For some of us, our sicknesses have become our identity, it’s what connects us to others who will not judge us, because those we spend our time with our just as sick, or perhaps sicker. We keep ourselves tethered to people and things that keep us just out of reach of the help we may need, or even a positive voice that may shed some light on our path. For me, I had been doing that for so long, it was absolutely terrifying to step out into the light, to feel exposed and unsure of the next step, but it also felt liberating to no longer feel tied down and ashamed the place I found myself, and, in doing so, I found a little bit of hope that I could move forward from that place and it wasn’t my destiny to stay stuck there. The truth is, we are never stuck, unless we allow ourselves to be, there is always hope, there is always help, and there is always a way out, but we’ll never find those things hiding behind our walls all by ourselves.

Tear down those walls you may have built, or, at least look around them, to find the light you need to light your path. Stop protecting what harms you and start fighting for yourself and where you are supposed to be, a place that allows you to be your best self, reaching your full potential and your dreams of what you could become. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you build walls to protect yourself? From what? From whom? Is it possible you are protecting your disease, or sickness, bad habits or fears that keep you away from connecting with people who may love and support you? Why do you think you do this? When did you start doing this? What can you do to stop doing this? How does it harm you to do this? Find the courage SLAYER, to reach out, to connect with those like yourself, with those who have overcome obstacles of their own and who may offer you a hand to pull you out from behind those walls you’ve built for yourself.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Celebrate Instead Of Isolate

The holiday season is here and it’s a time that may not be all that jolly for everyone. I know for myself, before I started my journey on my current path, I dreaded all holidays. It was a time that made me feel like hiding or escaping and I felt pressured to have a good time and live up to not only my expectations but those around me. I just wanted to isolate, stick my head in the sand and wait for them to be over. Even in writing how I used to feel, I can feel my anxiety rising. Thankfully, I don’t feel that way today.

Before walking this path I was constantly hiding, even in plain sight. I could isolate anywhere, in a room of ten people or a stadium of people, it didn’t matter, if I felt uncomfortable, which was most of the time, I would find a way to distance myself from those around me. I thought it kept me safe, but all it did was keep me feeling lonely. What I didn’t know back then is that my disease, that negative self-talk that ran constantly in my head, wanted me to isolate so it could have it’s way with me, because if the voices in my head were the only voices I was hearing, I was going to believe what they were saying, and I did. Going into the holiday season felt like I was running a gauntlet of high pressured uncomfortable gatherings. The only way I could get through them back then was to numb myself, with whatever I could, even if it was dessert table and a tray of cupcakes, whatever it took to get outside of myself to get by. But that only worked while I was there, in the moment, then the sadness would kick in, that bullshit committee in my head would start up and I would beat myself up for not being “normal” and able to join in and have a good time. But, is everyone really having a good time? Probably not. And that brings me to the next hurdle I had to overcome, perception. Again, my head wants to tell me that everyone loves the holidays and all of the events of the season and everyone has a great time and finds it easy to socialize and engage with those around them. Now, I know today that isn’t true, and I’m sure you’re out there shaking your head too, but back when I was specializing in isolation my head told me the latter, and I believed it. There goes that anxiety spike again. The truth is that most people get anxious at gatherings and events and everyone is doing their best to look and sound like their not, and once I allowed myself to see that and believe that, my anxiousness became acceptable to me and I began to look for those people like myself, who seemed a bit awkward, and made a commitment to talk to them. Just like outside those gatherings, it’s all about finding your tribe and support group, and when you take off the “weirdo” glasses you think you’re wearing and look through your own eyes and the truth, you see that there are others, like yourself, who may be struggling out there. That’s when things started to change. I also used a back up system. I had my support team, those group of people who understood me and my challenges, and I would let them know I was venturing out for some holiday cheer, I would be accountable, and when I felt overwhelmed I would excuse myself and call and text someone on my team, then I didn’t feel like I was walking in alone, unarmed. When I let my team know I was nervous I would get messages back checking in or encouraging me to jump in there and participate, that made a huge difference to start, to know I had support. That support and my willingness to break out of my isolation was the key to learning to connect with people and actually starting to enjoy the holiday season by being in the moment rather than trying to live up to what I thought, or someone else thought, it should be. And for those gatherings that may not be healthiest place, having that support team in your pocket not only makes attending those functions easier, but also gives you some great conversation and connecting with that support on the ride home.

The holidays come ever year, whether we like it or not, so why not like it, maybe not all of it, but find the parts you like, or a willing to be open to liking, gather your support team and don’t head out there alone. Also, find a way to give back on those days that are most challenging. I have always found when I give back I find relief in my own anxiety or depression as the act of giving gets me out of my own head and allows me to see the good through others. So, if you find that you are finding this season particularly challenging, think about what you can do to make someone else’s day brighter, even if it’s just by picking up the phone. We all have the power to change our perception of the month ahead, why not find a magic in it that makes us want to celebrate instead of isolate. Change always starts with willingness. Be willing to find something to celebrate this holiday season. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find the holiday season difficult? Why is that? Do you tend to isolate over the holidays? How does that make you feel? Does that help with your feelings about the holidays? Does it make it worse? What can you do to isolate less? How can you find some joy and magic in the holidays? Is there any part of the holidays you do enjoy? Can you add something of yourself or something you love to the holidays? What is that? Many people have trouble getting through the holidays, you are not alone, find and hook in with your support team, stay connected with them as you navigate through the holidays season, and, look for those little things you might enjoy, even just for yourself, those little things may just blossom into a personal appreciation and holiday spirit.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

When Things Seem To Be Falling Apart, They May Be Falling Together

I was reminded yesterday, thanks to Facebook memories, which aren’t always a good thing, but yesterday was a good one, that one year ago yesterday my life changed, a change for the better, and a change that has brought me to this place I am today, gratefully so. Personally, a year go, I was not in a good place, a place that did not serve me, make me happy, or, was good for my spirit, I knew I needed to make a change, and had known for a while, but wasn’t sure what the next step was. An opportunity came, out of the blue, and I jumped at it, not knowing what was waiting for me on the other side. The reasons I thought the opportunity was going to be a good one turned out not to be what I received from it at all, what I received was something better, and unexpected. But it got me thinking today about this topic, when things seem like they’re falling apart, they may be falling together. We only know what we know, which, in the big picture, is very little, but we work with the knowledge we have each day to make the best choices we can. That’s all we can do. Many times we get caught up trying to future surf, trying to imagine or wish for what we would like happen when we should be focusing on what we can change in our present lives to possibly get to that place, or a better place for us. When things don’t go as we would like, or had expected, we can fall into depression, anxiety or fear and let the disappointment of what we had thought our lives, relationship or situation was going to be consume us allowing the negative self-talk to creep in telling us we’re stuck, alone or don’t deserve better, but what we should really be doing is accepting what is not meant to be and being open to what is next.

In my experience, life, very often, doesn’t go as planned, but, it always goes as it is meant to. The highs and especially the lows have all been designed for a reason, and each experience has gotten me right here where I am today. Many times those things I thought I needed or wanted, when I look back, likely saved me from heartache or a situation that may have ultimately lead me down some dark roads. But, I’ve found, when I’ve opened my heart, and asked for direction, told the universe that I am ready for change, ready for new things and ready to take action, it appears. Now, that’s not to say the sky is going to open up revealing the secrets to life, but, when we are open, the signs, the people, the opportunities do come, but we have to make sure that we don’t grab for the same ones we have before and take a chance on something new, something different if we want to see change in our lives. A wise friend used to say to me, “the universe will give us the same present over and over, but in different wrappings, just to see if we’ve learned our lesson or, really mean we’re ready for change,” and that was true for me, probably for you too. How many times have we found ourselves in a place and said, “how did I get here again,” the wrapping may have fooled us and we got the same present we had already unwrapped many times. I try to look for those signs, things that I recognize from past situations that didn’t work or got to me a place I didn’t like, but sometimes we get fooled and tricked into believing that something, or someone, are different. So, when things start to fall apart, start to look at things as they are, not how we think they may be, or want them to be, for what the facts are, and see if there may be a reason for them falling apart.

When I look back over the past year, I had no idea what this weekend was going to mean to me a year later, I just took the opportunity that was in front of me and trusted I was being directed to where I needed to be, and I trusted that it was a place where I could let my heart be open and that it was safe, as a result, something beautiful happened that weekend, something unexpected and my life shifted.

When things don’t seem to be going your way, when relationships are ending or when you just don’t seem to be getting anywhere in your pursuit of things, instead of focusing on what may not be working, ask yourself why it may not working and what it may be showing you, what you perceive as the biggest disaster may just bring you to your greatest achievement, if you let go of what you think things should be and trust where you are being lead. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: When things appear to be falling apart do you fall into despair or trust that you are being led to something new? Have there been examples in your life when things looked to be falling apart but were actually falling together? What’s an example. When you look back on your life do see examples of this happening that you may not have thought were examples of this? Do you look for new opportunities when something ends or falls apart, or do you tend to follow the same patterns and find yourself in the same places over and over? What patterns do you see in your life that you could break for a different or better result? Look for those places SLAYER, to make changes, trust that you are being given what you need to make those changes, and also look for places that may look different, but may be places you’ve already been that didn’t work. Life is a journey, we are here to learn, but ultimately we are given the direction to get to where we are meant to be.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

When You Don’t Speak Up, You Set Yourself Up To Blow Up

I was just sharing the other morning with a group of women I meet up with regularly that before walking this path I would never share how I felt. I often shared my opinion, especially if it made me look good, or smart, or better than you, but I never shared my feelings, my fears or anything I felt was negative in my life. I stuffed down anything I thought was bad, but those feelings and thoughts didn’t just go away, they may have sat there for a while, and watched as I piled on other thoughts and feelings, and then, BOOM, there was an explosion and they would blow right out of me. That blow up can manifest itself in a lot of ways, it can take form of a verbal assault, it can manifest itself in self harm, self medicating, or physical abuse, it will take whatever form you are willing to give it, but it will take form eventually.

Keeping things inside doesn’t make them better, in fact, most of the time, it makes them worse. Holding in what you feel and think will cloud your decisions and result in actions that do not serve your best interests, and not only can they get you in hot water in life, they can also be the cause of health and physical ailments which will further aggravate how you feel and cause you to sink even lower to a depression. No matter what may be bothering you, it is important to always find a way to let it out. Talk about it, cry about it, walk it off, laugh it off, work it off, share it, pray about it, write about it, but get it out, let out those words, those thoughts and let them go, the moment you do, they lose their power of you.

At some point we must come to a place where we can trust someone enough to share who we really are, what we really are, and what we’re thinking. It took someone sharing their true selves with me, who recognized himself in me, to get me to open up, and once I did, a huge weight was lifted off of me. After a lifetime of stuffing down my feelings, numbing them or masking them as something else, it felt incredible to just let it all out. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone, at times, feels they’ve failed or have found themselves in places they never thought they’d be, but when we share those things with another individual it restores our humanness, it gives us permission to learn, to keep us humble and to allows someone else to see our vulnerability, it’s in that place that we get our power back, and we’re able to share that power with someone else.

We hold the key to our own relief. Let out your truth, no matter what it is, before you blow up and it all comes out in a way that you may need to apologize for later, or, maybe in a way that you can’t take back. When you speak up you release the pressure giving yourself time to heal, to exhale and to find a way back on the right path. We are all human, we all make mistakes, we all have feelings and we all struggle from time to time, when we share our true selves, in the moment, we open ourselves up to be teachable and we allow ourselves to connect with someone who may need to hear what you have to say, or, may just understand exactly what you’re going through. Accept that you will make mistakes, or feel hurt, or don’t know what to do, allow yourself to experience those things, to be those things, and to let those things go. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to share how you feel or keep your feelings bottled up? How do you feel when you don’t share? Do you tend to keep things under wraps until you explode? How do you feel after an explosion? What can you do stop the next explosion from happening? What scares you about that? Why do you feel you can’t share your thoughts and feelings with others? Have you had bad experiences in the past? What made them bad? How can you change that moving forward? Release the pressure and share what you may be holding inside that can cause the next blow up, that bomb can always be diffused with the truth, your truth, and can help you avert the next disaster.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

The Set-Up For The Let-Down

Before walking this path I very often would set myself up for a let-down. I would allow myself to have these grandiose thoughts or expectations, that life just couldn’t live up to, and certainly my efforts couldn’t produce, and then fall into a depression when my fairy-tale ideas of how things should be fell short. I would repeatedly do this, falling deeper and deeper into my darkness each time my expectations weren’t matched by my reality. But, there was an even darker force at work than just disappointment. Part my sickness was that if I failed, or if the result wasn’t what I had imagined, it allowed me to continue telling the narrative that I wasn’t good enough and didn’t deserve good things. As much as my ego would say I did deserve the best, my head would tell me, when I didn’t get it, that I didn’t get it because I don’t deserve the best. And that was only part of my insanity, and I constantly set myself up to be let-down.

A lot of where this thinking and behavior came from was self-centered fear. I was afraid of losing what I already had, or afraid of not getting what I wanted, or should say, demanded, because if it didn’t look and feel exactly the way I had envisioned it, it was never good enough. I was living daily with unsatisfied demands, which led to a place of continuous irritability and frustration. I didn’t know, consciously, what I was doing to myself, or even that I was being controlled by my disease, I just continued  in the loop of expecting too much and not getting enough.

This also bled into my friendships and relationships. My expectations of everyone in my life was perfection, unless I was in the need to feel superior, then it was OK if they fell short because I could swoop in and tell them how they were doing it wrong, or how I would have done it. I didn’t give anyone any leeway to make mistakes, work at their own pace, or discover things on their own…sometimes I can still fall back into these behaviors, but it’s not any of my business what anyone else is doing, and how they’re doing it, so why get myself all frustrated and irritated with someone else’s decisions? Again, it plays into setting myself up for a let-down. As long as I kept myself in that cycle I was never going to get any better, and I was never going to see what I was actually doing, and what was happening actually was my doing.

Part of my journey to get well was to look at things for what they are. To have goals, hopes and dreams, yes, but not blow them up to such inflated heights that no person or thing could ever match it. I had to live within realistic terms, and, even if those didn’t play out the way I had hoped, to accept that they played out the way they were supposed to if I had done everything I could to make it happen. Sometimes, I had to learn, I wasn’t mean to have whatever it was I wanted, because I meant to have something else, or be somewhere else. Acceptance was the key to this new way of life.

We set ourselves up to fail if we always set our expectations to impossible heights. Always reach for the top, but make sure the top you see is attainable for you in that moment, and if it’s not, see what is within reach, and maybe by reaching that top, there is an even higher top waiting for you from that place. Live in the now, and keep your expectations in check as you grow and excel from the place you are right now. Life is a journey, there are no short-cuts, what lies in front of us is where we must go to get where, ultimately, we are meant to be, so suit up, show up, and never give up, there’s reason for everything, trust that journey as you continue to reach for attainable goals for you today! SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you set yourself up to fail? Why do you think you do this? Are your expectations so high that no one could ever reach them, even yourself? Why do you think you set them so high? How do you feel when you, or someone else, doesn’t reach your expectations? How do you think you can change this? Why do you think you should, or need, to change this? What realistic goal can you set for yourself and achieve this week? Take a look at your expectations SLAYER, and see if you are setting yourself up for disappointment when you can set yourself up for success by setting your sights on goals that are within your reach.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Back To Reality, Back To The Dark

We all have things we look forward to, maybe things we’ve built up in our heads, anticipated, or worked hard for, and when they happen we feel that high, that rush of excitement, of accomplishment, and we’re lifted up. But what a lot of people don’t talk about, or label, is the crash when we get back home and it’s over. It happens for me after I finish a project, I get that super rush of adrenaline, the endorphins kick in, and all is good, and then, it’s over and that all falls away. Things go back to normal, and things can, in comparison, seem dark, quiet, and the fear kicks in that I will never have it again. I see it, and hear it, in others, whether they’ve come back from a convention, a vacation, or have finished something they had been working on for a long time. They feel down. When this used to happen to me I didn’t know what it was for a long while, that let down, the blues, or the grays, and I wasn’t hearing anyone else talk about it, so I thought it was just me. I realized as I started to talk about it, that it’s not just me, it’s you too.

When you think about it, it’s only natural that coming back home, finishing a project, or just returning to our every day lives, that we would feel down after the excitement and exhilaration of what we had been doing. I wrote about this from a different angle in my blog, Are You Addicted To Excitement? There is a high associated with these types of events in our lives, of having something to look forward to, or being able to participate in something, or seeing a project come to life, so it seems only natural once it’s over we would feel a void. Now, if we’re not careful we can fall into the rabbit hole of depression, not labeling it for what it us, the come down from an event or job we enjoyed, it’s easy to let the negative self-talk kick in and tell us that we’ll never had what we just had again, that we are alone, that no one cares, and this darkness will never end. But it will end, we know it will because it has in the past, and, we can put an end to it. How do we do that?

Well, first we acknowledge it is what it is and not make it anything more than that. Don’t give it anymore power than you coming down from a high. Also, don’t let it tell you that you’re the only one that suffers from this, you’re not, and the more you talk about it for what it is, the more you’ll realize that we all go through this once something is over. So, how do we get ourselves out? Acknowledging it helps, and then we need to take some action. We need to get out and continue to participate in life, find ways, in our daily life to get that little shot of excitement we experience on a bigger scale during one of those events. Find things to do that you enjoy that make you smile, that challenge you, that allow you to give back. Find all the ways in your life that you can fill your heart, so when you come back home and are feeling down, you have a list of things you can take action on to get you moving out of the dark and back into the light. Life is not just a bunch of big events strung together with darkness in between, we need to fill those days up with light each day, and not depend solely on those bigger events in our lives to carry us through. And, also, to prepare for the crash after those events because we know it’s coming.

We can’t remove the come down after a big event in our lives, it still will happen, but we can lessen the impact it has on us by preparing for it in advance, knowing it’s coming, and making sure we are ready for it when it goes. I still feel it after something big, but I now know what to do to kick things back into gear and get life rolling again. Life doesn’t stop after the party, or job, or vacation, in fact, it’s after those things that we need to work harder to keep moving forward and keep from sliding back to something we can’t relive.

SLAY OF THE DAY: After a big event in your life do you tend to slip into a depression, or darkness? Have you realized this about yourself in the past? Or, do you just keep finding yourself there without the understanding of why? Think back in the past few years, to the events that stand out for you, did you find you crashed when you got home and back into your normal life? How did you feel? Why do you think you felt that way? Those feelings are normal SLAYER, we all feel them to some degree. It’s natural to feel down when we’ve felt so high. So, when you know you have something coming up, something you’ve been looking forward to, write down 5 things you can do when you get home to make that transition easier, brighter, and more productive, so when the darkness hits, you can look at that list and get into action. Trust me, that action will bring in just the right light to get you shining bright. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Does Happy Hurt Your Hurt?

We all have the choice to be happy, to find the good in any situation, or at least something to take away from it, to learn, to not dwell in the negative but strive to find happiness, even in situations that didn’t favor us, or turn out the way we would have wanted. Happiness is always a choice. But, have we put so much time into our hurt that happiness hurts our hurt? Are we not willing to let our hurt go? Has it become our identity, who we are, something we wear like a badge of honor? There are those of us out there that it is.

For me I used to wear my hurt like a dark cloak, I used it to hide behind and I used to protect me from more hurt, or so I thought. What it did was keep me in the darkness, and it kept me isolated from people, and when I wasn’t connecting with the people in my life I was left with only listening to the lies my head was telling me and I sank deeper into my hurt. I put a lot of time into that hurt, many years of work had gone into it, so when I made the choice to get better and live in the light, it was hard to say goodbye to it. It was a place that felt safe to me, even though I knew it was killing me. I knew that place, I thought I deserved that place, and I knew no one else could come into that place and find me. When I was finally able to reach out for help, when I began to share my hurt with those around me, I realized that there were many people who shared similar hurts, who were living in similar places, and were fighting similar battles, I wasn’t alone, but, was I ready to shed my hurt?

My hurt had become my identity, and I used to it to my advantage when I thought I could. I used it to manipulate, to gain sympathy, to lower people’s expectations of me so that I could disengage in life, but also still get what I wanted. I was a walking contradiction most of the time, I thought I was a piece of crap who deserved only bad things, but I also thought I was better than you. So essentially, the most unique, most incredible piece of crap you were every going to meet. Think about that. And try imagine living in that space. Some of you know that space. It was pure torture. Torture I was administrating to myself.

When I stepped on this path, I’ve said this before, I outed myself to everyone in my life. I called them and told them everything I had been doing and I explained to them what I was planning to do to get better. It was scary, I didn’t know how people were going to react, but my life depended on me lifting back the curtain and sharing my truth. What did happen was an outpouring of love and support. Of understanding. Of friends sharing their stories with me, stories I had never heard because I had never bothered to ask. I realized that we all have hurt, but it’s what we decide to do with it that sets us apart.

Our hurt is not who we are. It’s not the best of us. We all deserve to be happy, or find our happy, and know that that looks different for everyone. And yes, our happy will hurt our hurt, and it should, because our hurt is hurting us. In some cases, killing us, it was killing me. Let the happy in, or find it, look for it, and let it kill your hurt, let it die, it’s not who you are, not at your best. Your hurt is from the past, it is not your present unless you let it be, you have the power to stop it. Find your light, shine bright, and let it take away all the shadows and darkness in your life, let your hurt go, because when you do, there’s a whole beautiful world waiting for you on the other side, I know, because I’m there right now. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let your hurt define you? Are you afraid to let it go? What frightens you? When you think of yourself, what do you think about? How would you describe yourself? How would you like to describe yourself? Why can’t you? What actions can you take so that you are able to describe yourself that way? What can you do this week to allow more light into your life and let go of your hurt? Do it SLAYER, let it go, and let your true self shine for all of us to see, nothing is worth dimming your light, especially those things from our past we cannot change. Live for today, live in this moment, and live for yourself. Choose to be happy. Choose to be you. Choose to be bright.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you